Mary Had a Little Lamb Does Not Deserve to be Famous

right so literally this is what happens:

a girl named mary owns a lamb
let’s skip over why she’s allowed to have an animal
and straight to the fact that this lamb is obsessed with her
it follows her fucking everywhere
it’s weird

but yeah when mary goes to school one day
and the lamb follows her
nobody is surprised
which doesn’t mean nobody reacts
all the kids go apeshit over this lamb shit
kids will go apeshit over literally anything
i mean you have to imagine there are plenty lambs around
if a little girl is allowed to own one as a pet
but everyone is like HOLY SHIT
LAMB AT SCHOOL
SHUT IT DOWN
WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK
they’re all running around howling
hands pressed to the sides of their faces
trying to wrap their tiny child minds
around this insane new development

obviously the teacher isn’t thrilled
so she throws the lamb out of the building
like the responsible adult she is
but the lamb
being neither responsible or an adult
refuses to take the hint and instead just loiters outside
so all the kids refuse to shut up about it
and it’s all they want to talk about for the rest of the day
all like “why is that lamb so obsessed with Mary
what is UP with that”
and the teacher is like “ugh
probably because Mary is obsessed with the lamb
it is likely that the lamb was weaned from its mother too early
and now displays an unhealthy attachment complex to Mary”
and all the kids are like “WHOAAAAAAA WOWWWWWW”

One of the kids is a dude named John Roulstone
and he is SO IMPRESSED BY THIS MUNDANE INCIDENT
that he summarizes all of the above in verse form
and gives it to Mary as a gift
and somehow it ends up in the hands of a poet named Sarah Hale
who either fixes it or writes a whole new part of it
depending on who you ask
and then that shit
for SOME REASON
becomes FUCKING FAMOUS
some dude sets it to music
two renowned blues men record versions of it
fucking paul fucking mccartney covers it
and today
every god damn school child knows
about mary’s lamb and its fucking attachment disorder
all of which leads me to the moral of this story:

kids are fucking idiots

look, i mean
i like kids
they’re the future and they know how to party
but would you ever ask a kid to design your house?
no?
what about drive your car?
no?
what if you needed a lung transplant? Would you ask a fucking kid?
not unless you wanted a bunch of plastic bugs in your chest cavity
and yet we let our kids write poems all the fucking time
and that would be fine if we told them their poems were shitty
but we don’t
we fucking celebrate their garbage
we tell them it’s perfect
Paul McCartney records a fucking cover of it
it’s why there’s so many garbage books on Amazon
and so many garbage painters pouring out of art school
because art is apparently so fucking simple
even a child can do it
in fact ESPECIALLY a child

look
just because poetry isn’t load-bearing
doesn’t mean kids should be allowed to write it for mass consumption
and i mean if they do want to write poetry, fine
that’s great
but no fucking way am I letting babies decide what gets popular
listen carefully, friends:
our kids
are not
cooler than us
shitting your pants is not cool
not knowing about sex is not cool
being legally unable to rent a car is not cool
so why the fuck do we pay attention to the shit kids like

i guess what i’m trying to say
is the next time a kid tells you they like something
tell them they’re wrong.

the end.

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Sing a Song of Suxpence

basically fuck medieval europe

you guys know this nursery rhyme right?

it’s like “sing a song for basically free
like I will give you six pennies and some bread to sing it
a pocket full of bread actually
which is a horrible amount of bread
because have you ever tried to store bread in your pocket
it doesn’t fucking work
might as well be “a pocket full of bird treats”
which is appropriate because this song is about 24 birds in a pie”
THIS IS WHERE I AM GOING TO STOP THE RE-TELLING FOR A SECOND

let me ask you dear reader
what do you think the line “four and twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie”
ACTUALLY MEANS?
are they the 24 letters used to print the English bible?
are they the 24 hours in a day?
NO ASSHOLE
THEY ARE ACTUAL FUCKING BLACKBIRDS
people in medieval europe
straight up used to bake pie shells
and then stuff live birds into the pie shells
so that when you cut the pie open BIRDS FLY OUT
ONE TIME
INSTEAD OF BIRDS
IT WAS A DWARF
FUCK
THIS
ENTIRELY
PIE IS OBJECTIVELY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THERE IS
AND YET SOMEWHERE IN THE CLOGGED OUTHOUSE OF HISTORY
SOME PSYCHOPATH DECIDED TO TURN PIE INTO A DELIVERY MECHANISM
FOR BIRD-BASED TERROR ATTACKS
LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD ASPECT OF THIS I CAN THINK OF
IS YOU MIGHT DECAPITATE A BIRD WHILE CUTTING OPEN THE PIE
BUT THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE GONNA DECAPITATE ALL OF THEM
EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAB EVERY PIE FIFTY TIMES BEFORE I EAT IT NOW

anyway the story unfolds predictably from there
they try to serve the pie to the king
but the king is scrooge mcduck apparently
(which makes it even weirder that they’re serving him live birds)
and he’s in his vault swimming in gold coins
his wife is somewhere else eating an actual meal
but someone still cuts open the pie because they’re an asshole
and the birds fly out
and one of the birds goes into the garden
AND RIPS OFF THE MAID’S NOSE
doesn’t even eat it
just rips it off and leaves it there
so they call the king’s doctor
and he’s pretty chill about it
almost as if he knew something like this was bound to happen.
he sews the nose back on flawlessly
and nobody can tell it was ever ripped off by a frenzied bird

the moral of the story
is if you’re working for a king
make sure he provides comprehensive health insurance

the end

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Humpty Dumpty Had a Rad Death

So there’s this dude named Humpty Dumpty
NO HE IS NOT AN EGG
WHERE IN THE RHYME DOES IT SAY HE’S AN EGG, HUH?
NOWHERE
oh yes, some people say it’s a riddle
and the answer is “he’s an egg”
WELL RIDDLE ME THIS:
FUCK YOU

so this dude is sitting on a wall
he is wasted like a handjob on a paraplegic
probably because his name is slang for a really gross brandy cocktail
but whatever the reason
he falls off this wall
and he SHATTERS

Here’s what I think
I think a wizard did it
I think a wizard was sick of Humpty’s shit
his boisterous ways and his dumb name
and he hit him with a freeze ray
knocked him off the wall
and KA-SPLANK
turned Mister Dumpty into a mosaic-in-waiting
PUT THAT IN YOUR HISTORY BOOKS
NERDS
fuck, first put the original rhyme in history books
then replace it with mine
problem solved, let’s move on

so to make matters worse
all of the king’s horses have escaped
they are stampeding through the town
the king has had to assign ALL OF HIS MEN to apprehend the dumb beasts
so they all come gallumphing down the alley
grinding Humpty’s frozen giblets into even smaller giblettes
and then they’re all like whoa whoa
what the fuck
did someone let a wizard in here
god damn
it’s okay, though, it’s okay
we can fix this

no they cannot
primarily because horses and manservants are NOT DOCTORS
and even if they were
this dude shattered
and superglue won’t be invented for another ten years or whatever
I don’t even know why they’re trying
probably the men see that the horses have stopped for a minute
and they are just using this as a distraction to get the animals back under control

anyway that’s the end
a drunk man dies
a bunch of horses live
fair trade
but I think we all learned a valuable lesson
which is don’t fuck with wizards
they became wizards for a reason
and that reason was so you would not fuck with them

the end

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Old Mother Hubbard and the Slow Descent Into Madness

Hey guys
I know I assured certain of you that I was about to do your favorite myths
and I will
I totally will
but I just found this book in my house
called The ANNOTATED Mother Goose
but here’s the problem guys:
it is not NEARLY annotated enough
so I am here to fix that for you
starting now:

So there’s this chick named Mother Hubbard
yeah i am pretty sure Mother is her first name
because nowhere in this does she have any kids
she just has a dog
and she doesn’t even have enough money to feed that dog
because as our story opens
she is trying to find some kind of dog snacks up in this
but there are NONE TO BE FOUND
that cupboard is so ludicrously bare
that this rhyme was actually banned in victorian times

so this dog is starving right
and making all kind of pitiful noises
so Mother Hubbard goes to the baker to get some stale crusts at least
BUT SHE IS TOO LATE
when she gets home the dog has become the corpse of a dog
because I guess this whole bare cupboard fiasco was more than a one-day thing
you would have thought she might’ve gotten the bread sooner honestly
unless she didn’t like the dog very much
which is outside the realm of possibility
because the next thing she does
is she goes out and buys her dog a CANINE COFFIN
DUDES:
DUDETTES:
I love dogs
I really do
but when MY dog died
I did not buy a coffin for my dog
I set that dog on FIRE
it was more awesome AND more cost effective
and given that Mother Hubbard cannot even afford dog food
you would think that cost effectiveness would be a big issue for her

so she gets home with this coffin
and she opens the door
and what does she see?
Her dog
laughing at her
like HAHAHA PRANKED
and she is just like
what

So she’s legitimately freaked
she’s like maybe my dog’s zombie ghost came back to haunt me
cause i didn’t feed him enough meat
I should get on that
so she runs out and picks up some meat
and when she gets back
her dog is SMOKING A FUCKING PIPE
and she’s like BAD DOG
DO YOU WANT TO DIE TWICE
and the dog is like WOOF WOOF I’M A DOG
GET ME SOME BEER

So she does
and when she comes back
the dog is all up in her armchair
and she is about to shoo him off it when she’s like waaait a second
best not antagonize the zombie ghost
best to get the zombie ghost WASTED

so in the interest of that she goes out and grabs a bunch of wine
on credit, I guess?
but it turns out more booze was not necessary
because by the time she gets home the dog is STANDING ON HIS HEAD

Mother Hubbard is rapidly running out of ideas at this point
so she goes down to the corner and buys some apples and grapes and shit
from the dude who sells fruit out of plastic crates on the corner
and when she gets home
the dog has taken up MUSIC
he is dancing around playing the flute
all like WOOF WOOF I’M A DOG
I AM CONSIDERING PURSUING A CAREER IN THE ARTS

So Mother Hubbard is like alright I can deal with this
I just need to buy my dog some clothes
so that when he goes out to join a band no one will be able to tell he’s a dog
so she buys him a coat and a hat and a wig and some shoes and some linen
and meanwhile the dog tames a goat, feeds the cat, learns to dance and catches up on current events
oh and also he takes up weaving.
And instead of getting just totally freaked by this hyperintelligent animal stealing her life
she goes out and buys the dog a hose for some reason
while he gets dressed in all the sweet finery she decked him out with

Then she comes home
and she curtseys to her canine brainbeast
and the dog bows to her
and she’s like “I am now your slave”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG”
then the debt collectors come and throw the dog in prison
because Mother Hubbard has been borrowing against him all this time to buy all this stuff

So the moral of the story
is that best friends
make the best collateral

THE END.

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A trio of sightless rodents

Short one today
to make up for the LONG LONG FUCKITY LONG one from tuesday
also I have to get on a plane to LA in a couple of minutes
so here we go:

alright so there’s these three mice
they have vision problems
SEVERE vision problems
straight up macular degeneration cataracts glaucoma 3x combo
and their health insurance is SHIT because they are MICE
seriously
these dudes could not see the back side of a barn
which is problematic
because they LIVE in the backside of a barn
or at least somewhere on a farm
cause see one day the farmer’s wife comes sauntering by
and they’re like HOLY SOMEBODY’S COMING
WE’D BETTER DO THE SENSIBLE THING
AND START CHASING HER
so they do
or maybe they thought they were running away
but need I remind you they are FUCKING BLIND
so they are just running all up at her skirts and shit
and she is like EEK EEK EEK
OH WAIT
THOSE ARE MOUSE NOISES
I AM A HUMAN
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SEPARATES ME FROM FILTHY SQUEAKING BARNMAMMALS
IS MY ABILITY TO USE TOOLS
SPECIFICALLY THIS CARVING KNIFE
so she just turns around like SHABAM FLOORTWATS
and the mice have no clue what is about to happen because they CAN’T FUCKING SEE
so she cuts off all their tails
now let me ask you my friends
have you ever seen such a thing in your life?
if you grew up on a farm
the answer is:
probably

BUT MY FRIENDS THAT IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY
because apparently this is all some kind of fucked up allegory
for how there were these three dudes
named Hugh Latimer, Nicholas Ridley and Thomas Cranmer
they ran afoul of the queen at the time
Queen Mary the First
because they were being WAYYYY too protestant
especially Thomas Cranmer
who happened to also be the archbishop of canterbury
and that is kind of a conflict of interest?
so Mary rounds up these dudes
and she’s about to set them on fire if they don’t convert to non-protestantism
and Tommy is like WHOA WAIT
I TOTALLY TAKE BACK ALL MY PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID
I GET TO LIVE NOW, RIGHT?
and Mary is like uh nope
still gonna set you on fire
and Thomas is like WELL SHIT
I GUESS I TAKE BACK ALL THE NON-PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID THEN
PROTESTANTS 4EVA
and then he dies
and this is like that rhyme about the mice
because in this story
the three dudes who got burned represent the mice
except instead of being blind
they are protestants
and the queen represents the farmer’s wife
except instead of cutting off their tails
she sets them on fire
and the whole thing is about religion
which just goes to show
that if you are coming up with a rhyme to celebrate history
folks give you a LOT of leeway

THE END

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