The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

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WHOOPS

Good thing i have internet in this godforsaken wilderness
below is the original text of the myth for the day
below that
is another myth
for thursday
PROBLEMS SOLVED STARTING NOW:

OH SNAP

NO MYTH ABOUT BRER RABBIT TODAY
because frankly
that guy is a prick
and i am sick of talking about him
so instead
IT’S SCOTLAND TIME

now scotland right
it is going through
one hell of a depression
like
terminal depression
real bad
so bad
there is this family right
and they cant afford to feed all their kids
so the parents are like WELP
GUESS WE GOTTA GET RID OF OUR THREE YOUNGEST
CAUSE IT WILL BE LESS PAINFUL FOR EVERYONE
IF THEY GET EATEN BY WOLVES
INSTEAD OF STARVING TO DEATH IN HERE
WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM AND FEEL BAD ABOUT IT

so they cast off their three youngest
who all happen to be girls
like they are chucking sandbags out a hot air balloon
in some kind of dramatic hot air balloon chase
perhaps the finale of some wacky action comedy
only instead of wacky adventures
they are setting their kids up for DEATH BY EXPOSURE

so these three girls are out in the woods
the oldest girl
i forget her name
and so does the whole internet apparently
so i’ll call her
Pansy MacNobody
she starts blubbering and pissing herself
and her sister
the second oldest
who i am going to call Worthless O’Dipshit
i guess thinks this is some kind of being scared contest
and so she pisses herself twice as hard
and also cries a lot
but the youngest girl
whose name is MOLLY WHOOPEE
is like guys
hey guys
sisters
SHUT
THE FUCK
UP

I am going to get us through this
me
all on my own
because i guess you guys all forgot your competence
in our mom’s birth-sack
and when i was born
i grabbed all that shit
and tied it around my waist
and now i am at least three times more competent
than anyone else in the world

so true to her word
molly whoopee leads her sisters through the woods
and they find a castle
and molly goes up and knocks on the door
and a big big big big woman opens the door
like OH SHIT GO AWAY GUYS
GUYS MY HUSBAND IS A GIANT
and molly whoopee is like no shit so are you
and the woman is like NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
HE WILL EAT YOU
and molly is like bitch
the only people
who are going to be eating anything
are me and my sisters
let us in and give us some fucking SOUP

so the giant lady lets them in
and they have SOUP
and it is DELICIOUS
but then the giant husband comes home
and he actually does that stereotypical giant thing
where it is like FEE FI FO FUM
I SMELL SOME MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD IN HERE
and his wife is like shut the fuck up husband
we all know you’re a giant already
you don’t have to go perpetuating
these racist stereotypes
about how giants yell that all the time
kind of like how dwarves
are all scummy little bastards who fuck gold rings

but the husband is having none of it
he is like I AM GOING TO EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU LITTLE GIRLS
and his wife is like no you are not
you are not going to embarrass me in front of company like that
and the giant is like ok fine
you guys can eat that soup
and i won’t eat you
and you can even stay the night
i guess

so they do
molly and her worthless sisters
end up sleeping in the same bed
as the giant’s three daughters
and before they all go to sleep
the giant comes in
and he puts a gold collar on each of his daughters
and then straw collars on molly and her sisters
and then he’s like goodnight girls
sleep well
try not to die brutally during the night
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

now molly gets a little suspicious about all this
and she waits until everyone is asleep
and then switches all the collars
so she and her sisters are wearing the gold ones
and the giant girls are wearing the straw ones
see the first time i heard this story
i thought she was just trying to steal some gold
but that is not what it is at all
cause see a couple hours later
when the whole house is quiet
the giant sneaks into the room in the dark
and he feels around on the girl’s necks
and whenever he finds a neck with a collar of straw on it
he strangles that neck
he strangles it hard
i don’t understand what this solves for the giant
like
if his wife wakes up in the morning
and finds molly and her sisters strangled in bed
she is still going to know it was her husband
it’s not like this will help him get away with anything
but anyway it’s a moot point
because instead of strangling molly and her sisters
the giant strangles ALL HIS DAUGHTERS
and then leaves the room
very pleased with himself
at which point molly wakes up her sisters
and they get THE FUCK OUT OF THAT CASTLE

so after a lot of running
and then some walking
and maybe even some sleep who knows
molly and gang arrive at another castle
this one happens to not be full of giants
which is already a pretty sweet deal
what’s more
molly gets to talk to the king
and she tells him how she pranked the giant
and the king starts laughing his ASS off
and is like man
I have not laughed that hard in a while
he killed his DAUGHTERS?
instant comedy
here
try some haggis
(note: haggis is a scottish delicacy
made of intestines and terror
other scottish delicacies include:
suffering)
and molly is like no no no nono
i’m alright thank you
even though i’m starving
do you have anything else?
and the king is like well
i have a sweet quest you could go on
how about you go back to that giant
and you steal the sword he keeps over his bed
and molly is like what’s in it for me
and the king is like how about
i marry my oldest son to your oldest sister
and molly is like SOLD
MY SISTER CAN HOOK ME UP LATER
SHE BETTER FUCKING HOOK IT UP
GIVEN ALL THE BULLSHIT I GO THROUGH
CAUSE SHE CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGH
TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF

so that night
molly goes back to the giant’s castle
and she sneaks in
and climbs up the headboard of the giant’s bed
and grabs the hilt of the sword
and slides it gently and carefully off the rack
and balances it on her back
and is halfway out the door
WHEN THE GIANT WAKES UP
AND HE IS LIKE I’LL GET YOU MOLLY WHOOPEE
and molly is like haha it sounds funny when you say my name
and she runs
and he runs
and she runs
and he runs
until they come to this bridge
called the bridge of one hair
as you can probably imagine
this is a very thin bridge guys
so molly crosses it
and the giant cannot even put one foot on it
so he settles for standing on the other side of the bridge like
YOU BETTER NOT COME ACROSS THIS BRIDGE AGAIN HO
and molly is like how about instead
i come back two more times
biiitch

so she brings the sword back to the king
and the king is like SWEET DEAL
HERE PANSY MACNOBODY
HAVE MY SON
molly you have done well
how bout some haggis
and molly is like how about shut up
and the king is like how bout another mission
i’ll marry my second oldest son to your other sister
and molly’s like what i gotta do
and the king is like how bout
you get the sack of gold
the giant keeps under his pillow
and molly is like SOLD

so that night
she goes back to the giant’s castle
and she sneaks in
and she climbs up onto the bed
and she goes to the pillow
but the giant’s giant head
is on the pillow
so she can’t pull it out
so what she does
she pulls a goose feather out of the pillow
scratch that
a GIANT goose feather
and she tickles the giant’s nose
and he rears up and SNEEZES
and molly grabs the sack of gold
and books it out the door

BUT THEN THE GIANT WAKES UP{
like I’LL GET YOU MOLLY WHOOPEE
and molly is like haha it never gets old
and he runs
and she runs
and he runs and she runs
until they get to the bridge of one hair
and molly runs across
and the giant is like DON’T FUCKING COME BACK YOU WHORE
and molly is like DONT WORRY
I’M ONLY GONNA COME BACK ONE MORE TIME
see she’s got this shit all planned out

so she gets back to the castle
and the king is like haggis?
and molly is like no
how about a third mission
and the king is like i was thinking the same thing
bring me the ring the giant wears on his finger
and i will marry you to my youngest son
and also make you my heir designate
and molly is like SOLD AND DOUBLE SOLD

so that night
she goes back to the giant’s castle
and she sneaks in
and she climbs up onto the bed
and she slides the giant’s ring past his first knuckle
but then
it gets STUCK!
SHIT!
but it’s okay
molly goes to the kitchen
and finds some lard
and rubs it all over the giant’s finger
and POP
OFF COMES THE RING
and molly puts it around the waist
and is about to run awaySURPRISE
THE GIANT WAKES UP
GRABS HER
and is like WHAT NOW BITCH
and molly is like i don’t know bitch
what now

and the giant is like hmm
i don’t know actually
i’m really bad at coming up with punishments
last time i came up with one
i killed my daughters
so like
if i was you
and you was me
what would you do
and molly is like seriously
and the giant is like yeah
and molly is like ok well
i guess i’d put you in a burlap sack
with a dog and a cat
and a needle and thread
and a pair of shears
(NOTE: shears is scottish for scissors
you’re welcome america)
and then i’d hang you from the door in the kitchen
and i’d go out into the woods
and i’d find the biggest strongest sapling
and pull it up by the roots
and come back here
and beat you to death
that’s what i’d do

so the giant is like hmmm
that sounds just crazy enough to work
so he puts her in a burlap sack
with a dog and a cat
and a needle and thread
and a pair of scissors
and hangs her from the door in the kitchen
and then goes out into the woods to find the biggest sapling
so he can come back and beat the shit out of molly

meanwhile
the giant’s wife comes into the kitchen
and starts making some soup
and molly hears her
and just starts going
OH MY GOODNESS
HOLY FUCKING JESUS SHIT
THE INSIDE OF THIS BAG IS SO AMAZING
I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCES SUCH A THING IN MY LIFE BEFORE
and the wife is like whaaaaat?
what’s so amazing about it
and molly is like I CANT
LIKE I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE IT
IT’S JUST SO FUCKING MINDBLOWING
BOY I SURE DO LOVE IT IN THIS BAG
and the giant’s wife is like can i look in the bag
and molly is like NO THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE IN HERE
FUCK YOU
and the wife is like pleeeeeease
and molly is like WELL NO
and then the wife is like PRETTY PLEASE
and molly is like OK
I GUESSSSSSSSS
so she takes the shears
(scottish for scissors guys
remember)
and she cuts a hole in the bag
and she gets out
and then she is like come on in
and the giant’s wife climbs in
and molly sews the bag shut with the needle and thread
and then goes and hides behind the door
the wife kind of fails to see what is so amazing about the bag
but at least she has a dog and a cat to keep her company

so a couple hours pass
and finally the giant comes home
with one motherfucker of a sapling
and he takes the bag
with his wife in it
and starts BEATING IT with the sapling
all like HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MOLLY
HUH
HUH
and his wife is like NO NO I AM YOUR WIFE
but it doesn’t matter
because at the same time
the cat is like MROWWWRMOROWMRRMROMRMRORR
and the dog is like AROOF WOOF AROOF ROOF ROOF
so the giant can’t hear shit his wife says

but when molly runs out the door laughing her ass off
the giant finally catches on
and he drops the bag and the tree
and starts chasing her
and he runs and she runs and he runs and she runs
and she crosses the bridge like always
and the giant is like SERIOUSLY
COME ON
DON’T COME BACK HERE ANYMORE
MY DAUGHTERS ARE DEAD
AND MY WIFE IS BADLY BEATEN
YOU’VE TAKEN MY MONEY
AND MY SWORD
AND MY RING
WHAT ELSE
COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME
and molly is like
what?
nothing
haven’t you been paying attention?
i’m never crossing this bridge again
enjoy the rest of your life

so then molly goes back to the king
and turns down the haggis AGAIN
and then marries the king’s youngest son
and then becomes king
because she’s the most competent motherfucker
in all the land

so the moral of the story
is it’s okay to destroy someone’s entire life
and livelihood
and family
as long as they started it

The end.

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