The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

Abu Nowas has Big Balls

Wow
Thank you Vanya “Terror-Talons” Tarantula
for introducing me to the shitfarce that is Tunisian folklore
here goes history’s first recorded instance
of a wacky TV sitcom

so there’s this guy Abu Nowas right?
he’s got a wife
OH WHOOPS NO SHE DIED
WHAT NOW ASSHOLE?
well apparently Abu Nowas opted for the extended warranty on wives
because the next thing he does is show up to the sultan’s house
and be like hey dude my wife died
and the sultan’s like WELL SHIT SON
WE GOTTA GET YOU A NEW ONE
MY WIFE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A REPLACEMENT WIFE FREE OF CHARGE
which begs the question
who is in charge of providing the sultan with a replacement wife?
sounds like everybody is shit out of luck if the sultana blows a fuse

but for now everything is fine
the Sultana shows up in the sultan’s justice room like yo what up husband
and the Sultan is like this dude’s wife died
and the Sultana is like oh damn
good thing I’ve been saving a replacement wife for just such an occasion
HEY GIRL GET OUT HERE
so this chick comes out
and she is bo-damn-diculous
chick-a-licious
frot-tacular
and the Sultana is like girl there is this dude here who wants to marry you
by the way he is the king’s jester so-
and the girl’s like I’LL DO IT
JESTERS ARE SO HOT OH MY GOD
god dammit
why are all the women who think juggling is sexy trapped in ancient Tunisia
and not like my house or something
wait that came out wrong
sexy juggle-loving ladies I do not want to trap you in my house
first of all it is an apartment not a house
but I mean you are welcome to drop by if you like

ANYWAY SO THEY GET MARRIED
and the sultan tops it all off with a 1,000 dollar wedding prize
except the money he’s using is better than dollars
think of it like one thousand MEGADOLLARS
and one thousand megadollars is basically like fuck-you money in ancient tunisia
so Abu Nowas and his replacement wife spend like a year
getting into hot tubs and trouble in equal measure
at one point I am pretty sure they buy huge noses from a plastic surgeon
and then fill a gatling gun with cocaine and just go to town
it’s a party festival
on top of a hootenanny stuffed with soirees
battered in shindigs and deep fried in bacon grease
but then their money gun runs out
pretty soon they go from picking their favorite flavor of caviar-plated space lobster
to deliriously trying to remember what food tastes like
and Abu Nowas is like fuck this we gotta get more money
ain’t no way i’m going back to juggling after twelve months in a cocaine blizzard
only one option
WIFE
GO TO THE SULTANA AND ASK HER FOR MORE MONEY
and his wife is like no you
and Abu Nowas is like fine ok

so he goes to the Sultan’s place
but before he goes inside
he maces himself right in the face
so he busts into the justice room pissing out his eyesockets
like WAAH WAAH MY WIFE DIED
and the sultan is like shit happens
I mean she was just a replacement wife
pretty expendable
and Abu Nowas is like fuck I guess I forgot to buy the warranty on my wife this time
fuck it I gotta stick with the plan
so he’s like
BOO HOO HOO I’M TOO POOR TO BURY HER
and the Sultan’s like what happened to the money I gave you?
and Abu Nowas is like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultan’s like well
I guess I appreciate your honesty?
here’s a hundred megadollars

so then Abu Nowas gets back home and he’s like hey wife I have us some drug money
but it’s not nearly enough
this is only enough to buy maybe like
a medium sized dumptruck full of cocaine
and his wife is like well we can’t have that
and Abu nowas is like exactly
so what I want you to do is go to the Sultana and ask HER for money
and his wife is like fair enough

so she goes to the Sultana’s place
and she’s all like WAAAAAAH MY HUSBAND DIED AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO BURY HIM
and the Sultana is like girl what happened to that thousand megadollars
and she’s like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultana is like aw man I’m sorry honey
here’s TWO HUNDRED MEGADOLLARS

so then the wife goes back to Abu Nowas’ house
like hey man I got double what you got
and Abu Nowas is like EXCELLENT
this money will support our unreasonable lifestyle for at least another week
meanwhile the Sultan and the Sultana will be NONE THE WISER

MEANWHILE AT THE SULTANA’S PLACE
the Sultan gets done with a long day of justice
and heads over for a little bit of after-work hunga-junga with the Sultana
and the Sultana is like hey husband have you heard
Abu Nowas is dead
and the Sultan is like uh no
wrong
his wife is dead
and the Sultana is like naw dude I saw his wife like an hour ago
and the Sultan is like woman do I need to send away a coupon for a replacement wife?
and the Sultana is like fine
send your doorman to go check Abu Nowas’ house
we’ll see who’s right

WOW
SO NOWHERE IN THAT EXCHANGE
WAS A DISCUSSION OF HOW MAYBE ABU NOWAS IS A FUCKING CONMAN
OK COOL WHATEVER

so Abu Nowas and his wife are building a snowman out of cocaine in their living room
and all of a sudden they see the doorman coming up to the house
and Abu Nowas is like QUICK
WIFE
PRETEND TO BE DEAD
I WILL CRY AT YOU
and then the doorman comes in and Abu Nowas is like BOO HOO HOO LOOK AT MY DEAD WIFE
and the doorman is like yup
dead alright
i’ll go tell the Sultan

so the doorman goes back and the Sultana is like BULLSHIT
HEY CHAMBERLAIN
GO FIND OUT WHO’S REALLY DEAD
IF YOU GIVE ME THE WRONG ANSWER I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED
so the chamberlain goes

so Abu Nowas and his wife have just finished inhaling the cocaine snowman
when they see the chamberlain outside
and Abu Nowas is like OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DOUBLEDAMN
NOW IT’S MY TURN TO BE DEAD
so he drops dead on the spot
and then the chamberlain comes in like yo what’s up
and the wife is like MY HUSBAND IS DEFINITELY DEAD
and the chamberlain is like YOU GOT THAT RIGHT
I’LL GO TELL THE SULTANA

so then the chamberlain goes back to the palace
and the Sultan is like 2X BULLSHIT COMBO
ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS
WE GOTTA GO SEE FOR OURSELVES

so now Abu Nowas is frantically pacing back and forth in his cocaine-strewn foyer
it ain’t like he’s gonna be sleeping anyway
and he sees the carriage coming up to the house
all chock full o’ problems
and he’s like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
THEY’RE BOTH HERE
WE GOTTA BOTH BE DEAD NOW
so they both go and play dead in the front room
and the Sultan busts in with his wife like HELLO
and he is greeted by a front room full of 2 dead bodies
several snowdrifts of cocaine
and a tophat that once belonged to some kind of snowman
and he’s like OKAY I WILL GIVE 1,000 MEGADOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN THIS SHIT
and Abu Nowas jumps up like ME ME ME PICK ME OH SHIT PICK ME
and the King looks at him for a second
and then puts his hands on his hips
and goes OHHHH ABU NOWAS YOU ARE THE UTTER END
and everyone laughs and the credits roll
and the sultan then proceeds to GIVE ABU NOWAS THE THOUSAND MEGADOLLARS

so there you have it my friends
hundreds of years ago
halfway across the world
the Tunisians predicted exactly what would happen during the financial crisis

THE END.

RedditStumbleUponShare