The Walrus and the Carpenter are Cold-Blooded Psychopaths

ah, the beach

the sand is sandy
the water is wet
basically
everything is doing its job
including the sun
which is doing its job a little too hard
because its shift is over and it is actually the moon’s turn
it’s night time is what I’m trying to say
it’s weird
this is a weird story

but none of this weirdness seems to bother the walrus and the carpenter
presumably because they are a walrus and a carpenter
have you seen the kind of shit carpenters get into?
the mere fact that his friend of choice is a walrus speaks volumes
anyway the only thing they’re really concerned about
is all this fucking sand
like
they’re walking down the beach like aww man
who put all this sand here
why don’t they send someone by to clean this shit up

but pretty soon they forget about the sand
because they are terrible people and they have to start doing terrible things now
so they walk up to these oysters that are hanging out in their oyster bed
and they’re like hey
oysters
wanna go for a walk?
I hear that walking is something oysters are really great at
and the oldest oyster is having none of it
this is
in fact
how he got to be the oldest oyster
but ALL THE OTHER OYSTERS are like YAYYY
WALKING
and they swarm up on the walrus like WHEEEEEE
WE ARE SO FAT AND OUT OF SHAPE AND ALSO OYSTERS
ALSO
WHY ARE WE WEARING CLOTHES
WHY ARE WE WEARING SHOES
WE DO NOT HAVE FEET
WE DON’T EVEN REALLY HAVE SKIN
WE ARE OYSTERS
but it’s okay

so after they walk for a long time
eventually the walrus and the carpenter sit their asses down on a rock
and all the oysters are like okay
we’re here
now what?
and the walrus is like WELL
(the walrus can totaly talk by the way
pretty smart walrus)
WELL
let’s just kinda hang out
talk about some shit
like shoes and boats and those weird things with the screws that you put inside shoes
are they called shoeboats?
also maybe home decorating and politics
and the oysters are like well okay
that’s sort of boring
but uh
oh shit
what’s this
(they are saying that because the walrus and the carpenter are eating them now)

yeah so these two bastards proceed to eat all their friends other than each other
with vinegar and salt and pepper and bread and butter
which means that they definitely planned for this shit
this wasn’t a spur of the moment
crime of passion kinda thing
this was premeditated oyster genocide
and then they are done
and they express some kind of token sorrow over the massacre
and then they’re like COME NOW OYSTERS
LET US HEAD BACK NOW
blatantly forgetting that they just ATE ALL THE GODDAMN OYSTERS
so i dunno
maybe they’re not straight up murderers
maybe they are just insane murderers with short term memory loss
that’s better, right?

so the moral of the story
and I’ve always said this
is that there is nothing more dangerous
than an educated walrus

THE END.

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Rabbits are Sadistic Bastards

Okay so here’s a good one
thanks to Monique “Katana Wombat” Brutalisk

so there’s this farmer
he’s got problems
these problems seem to have taken the shape of a raccoon fox
and two extraordinarily large testicles
that’s right
it’s tanuki time again guys
so this fucking tanuki is just robbing this farmer deaf dumb and blind
meticulously thieving the hell out of every vector of this dude’s estate
and so one day the farmer is like ok I’m done with this
and he digs a hole
and the Tanuki is like OH NO
HOLES
MY ONLY WEAKNESS
and falls in
and the farmer is like haha got you now bitch
gonna tie you to my ceiling and then go out hunting for the day
and tonight I am going to make you into SOUP
DELICIOUS

so the farmer ties that tanuki up
and gives his wife EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS not to let the it down
and then he goes out hunting
and the tanuki is like hm
how can I escape this predicament
OH MY GOD I’VE GOT IT
how about instead of having the farmer’s wife NOT let me down
I get her to
wait for it
LET ME DOWN
BRILLIANT
so he’s like hey farmer lady
let me down and I’ll totally do your chores for you
and the farmer lady is like SWEET DEAL
HAVE SOME FREEDOM
and the tanuki is like great thanks
and then beats the old lady to death with a wooden pestle
which is basically just a big splintery dildo
and then cuts her up and puts her in some soup
WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A TALE OF WACKY HIJINKS
WHY DID SHIT GO ALL JASON AND MEDEA ALL OF A SUDDEN

well anyway then the farmer comes home
and the Tanuki morphs into his wife
OBVIOUSLY
and is like hello husband I heard you like soup
so I put some tanuki in your soup so you could GET REVENGE WHILE YOU EAT SOUP
and the farmer is like EFFICIENT
BRING OUT THE SOUP
and the tanuki brings out the old lady soup
and then right before the farmer eats the soup the tanuki is all HAHA GOTCHA
YOUR WIFE IS IN THAT SOUP ACTUALLY
VROOM
and he runs away
and the farmer is like aww fuck
well at least he warned me before I ate any soup
kind of bad comic timing honestly
although now I gotta throw all this soup out
such a waste
jeeze
oh wait I mean I AM BLIND WITH RAGE
AAAAAA
and he is yelling so fucking loud that he wakes up the local talking rabbit
that is the problem that arises when you have huge ears
any dude in a 10 mile radius gets fucked over by a tanuki and you gotta hear about it
so the rabbit shows up at the farmer’s house like hey man
you seem pretty pissed
what’s up
and the farmer is like THAT TANUKI KILLED AND COOKED MY WIFE
WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE
and the rabbit is like shh shh
we are past fun-loving anime adventure my friend
now it is time for
FUCKED UP KOREAN REVENGE DRAMA
and the farmer is like ok I can go with that

so the rabbit goes out to fuck over the tanuki
he finds him hiding in his cave or wherever tanukis hide
and he’s like yo man
you look pretty shook up
wanna go pick grass with me way the hell out of town?
and the tanuki is like yeah man let’s get the fuck out of here
so they go out picking grass
way up on a mountaintop
no witnesses
and the rabbit pulls a silenced pistol out of his bag
while the tanuki is bent over sniffing flowers or pranking bees or something
but then he’s like no
too easy
so instead they both gather huge bundles of grass
and the rabbit lets the tanuki walk in front
and then he sets the tanuki’s grass on fire with his zippo
and the tanuki is like hey what’s that sound
and the rabbit is like nothing buddy
we’re just passing through the zippo mountains is all
crazy natural phenomena amirite?
and the tanuki is like yeah i guess
but then he starts to hear and smell fire
and he’s like hey what’s that
and the rabbit is like oh no worries dude
now we’re in the fire mountains
they’re right next to the zippo mountains
it’s pretty logical if you think about it
and the tanuki is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
MY BACK IS ON FIRE
WHY WOULD I EVER NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING IN MOUNTAINS CALLED THE FIRE MOUNTAINS
AAAAAAA

so the tanuki gets horrible third degree burns all over his back
and the rabbit is like gee man i dunno how this could have happened
lemme make it up to you
let me rub hot pepper sauce all over your wounds
and the tanuki is like that doesn’t sound like making it up to me AAHHHHHH
and the rabbit is like shhhh
shhhh
it’s okay
feel the burn
i’m totally doing medicine on you right now

but despite all of the rabbit’s fucked up efforts
the tanuki survives his wounds
he recovers
maybe hot pepper sauce actually IS a cure for burns
probably not though
anyway the rabbit is like fuck
now I gotta kill him in a DIFFERENT way
so he goes back to the tanuki’s place and he’s like hey bro
how’s it going
and the Tanuki is like fairly shitty but I’m still alive I guess
and the rabbit is like that’s cool that’s cool
listen dude I’ve been getting really into fishing lately
even though I am a rabbit and rabbits are pretty much vegetarians
i dunno I guess I just like torturing and killing shit
so uh
wanna come with?
and the Tanuki is like DO I?
YES

so they go fishing
and the rabbit has prepared two boats
one is made of wood
the other one is made of clay
the rabbit takes the wooden one and gives the clay one to the tanuki
and the tanuki
who knows fuck all about boats
is like SWEET
FREE BOAT
LET’S GO FISHING
and the rabbit is like I’LL RACE YOU TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON
FRIENDLY TALKING ANIMALS RACING IN A LAKE
I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE AFTER ALL
oh no wait looks like the tanuki’s boat disintegrated
now he is drowning in the middle of the lake
and he is like RABBIT
BUDDY
HELP ME OUT HERE
and the rabbit looks at him
with those fucked up beady red rabbit eyes
and he’s like

no.

and the tanuki drowns to death
and then the rabbit goes back to the farmer and he’s like hey man
problem solved
and the farmer is like sweet
now I can sleep at night
and the rabbit is like if you ever need anyone else tortured or killed hit me up
i think i kinda got a taste for this shit now
and the farmer is like i’m good for now thanks
but you’re welcome to live in my house if you want
so they live together happily ever after
until the rabbit’s trigger finger gets itchy and he turns the farmer into meatloaf

so the moral of the story
is don’t fuck with rabbits
in fact
don’t fuck with anyone because rabbits might find out

THE END

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Tanukis Have Big Balls

Hey
Hey you
Tanya
yeah that’s right I’m talking to you
no not you asshole
is your name Tanya?
didn’t think so.
okay
Tanya:
Cheer up
you have awesome friends and here is a story about raccoons with huge testicles
actually the raccoons thing is for everyone
and maybe you all have awesome friends too but I don’t know
the point is cheer up

okay so tanukis right?
this is some more japanese shit
and being japanese shit
you know it comes with the seal of ultimate japanese quality
ensuring a high density of rich, moist what-the-fuck every time
japan: the mythology you can trust
to be really messed up
but okay so what are tanukis?
first of all they are as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens
(assuming that conveying things at high speed makes them more adorable)
second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogs
making them utterly terrifying ur-bastards of the highest caliber
and third of all they have the BIGGEST TESTICLES POSSIBLE
this is not a metaphor
these dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls City
when they unearthed a whole case of super deluxe triple XL mentronomes
that they promptly superglued to their manplanks
and then proceeded to use the ungodly influx of testosterone
to go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE PROBLEMS
seriously go anywhere in japan
you will find statues of these little fuckers all over the place
getting shitfaced in straw hats
and then dropping ludicrously ill beats
drummed out on their DISTENDED MANBULGES
actually you know what
what i want you to do right now
is pause this myth for a second and go google image search “tanuki testicles”
yep
that’s right
those guys on the second row are using their balls to bludgeon large fish to death
guys i think i found the best google search

BUT YOU DID NOT COME HERE TO LISTEN TO ME WAX POETIC ON THE SIZE OF RACCOON BALLS
or if you are sort of psychic and also a little creepy
YOU CAME HERE TO HEAR A FUCKING MYTH
SO LET ME TELL YOU ONE
IT INVOLVES THE TANUKI

okay so there’s this tanuki right
he’s married to a fox chick
and they have a baby
the baby is a tanuki
not a fox
not a fox-tanuki
presumably because the baby tanuki used its massive fledgling testicles
to smother all of its fox DNA
but anyway this forest has been hunted all to shit
there’s like nothing to eat anywhere
and there are hunters running around all the time
and so the fox and the tanuki are getting pretty freaked out
and also starving to death
and they realize that if they don’t come up with a plan
they are gonna get fucked straight into an early grave
so finally the tanuki is like WAIT I KNOW
WE HAVE MAGIC SHAPESHIFTING POWERS
THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO FUCKING EASY WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT
so what they decide to do
is the fox turns into a dude
and the tanuki turns into a dead tanuki
and the fox carries the tanuki into town
and is like hey guys
who wants a tanuki
tanuki for sale
and everyone is like I WILL GIVE YOU A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THAT TESTICLE DOG
and the fox is like SOLD
and sells the tanuki
and then buys a ton of food
and meanwhile the Tanuki escapes from the house of the dude that bought him
and goes home
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because one of the sucky things about food
is it gets eaten and then it doesn’t exist anymore
and so eventually they need to come up with a plan to get more food
and the fox is like alright
fair is fair
you got to be the dead body last time
i want to be the dead body this time
plus it would be kind of suspicious of the same random stranger walked into town
with the same dead tanuki
like hey who wants to buy my balls raccoon for a second time
i swear it won’t run away
so the tanuki turns into a peasant dude
and the fox turns into a dead fox
and the tanuki carries the fox into town

but oh shit
some of those leviathan testicle veins must have burrowed into the tanuki’s skull
because this is the point where his balls sieze control of his entire brain
and start hammering on every single button marked “BAD DECISIONS”
see he gets into town and he negotiates a sale
and then he’s like hmm
you know one of the bad things about a wife
is you have to share food with her
so how about instead I tell the dude i’m selling my wife to
that she’s still alive
and then he’ll kill her
and i’ll live happily ever after!
HEY PEASANT DUDE WHY DON’T YOU BEAT THIS FOX OVER THE HEAD WITH A BRICK
and the peasant dude is like DON’T MIND IF I DO
and the fox is like hey husband what’s going OH SHIT
and the tanuki just goes out and gets trashed
and stumbles back home at like 3AM
TO HIS SON
like hey kid what’s up
and the kid is like hey dad what happened to mom
and the tanuki is like uh well
when a man and a woman love each other very very much
they definitely do not sell each other to peasants who then murder them
and you know I love your mother very very much
so uh
you know
not that?
and the kid is like uh sure

but as the days go by
the kid starts to get more and more suspicious
and also the tanuki is being a huge dick and not sharing any food with him
so he’s really got no love for this dude whatsoever
and finally one day he’s like yo dad
you know mom taught me all her magical secrets before she died
and the tanuki is like WHAAAAAAT?!
I mean
bullshit
prove it
and the kid is like ok
how about you go to a bridge in the forest
and I will shapeshift into something
and try to cross the bridge
and if you can recognize me you win
but if you can’t recognize me then fuck you dad
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON SON

so he goes to this bridge in the middle of the woods
and a few minutes later his son shows up
but his son doesn’t cross the bridge
NO NO NO NO NO
he just chills out by the far end of the bridge and waits
he waits for his dad to fuck himself over
and sure enough
here comes the local king on his chariot of jewels and human misery
and the tanuki is like HAHAHA NICE TRY SON
YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND ALSO A CHARIOT
ALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
and the king is like ok what the shit is this
why is a raccoon dog trying to blackjack me with his ballsack?
guards
I believe you are trained to handle wild animals and their comically large genitals?
and the guards are like SIR YES SIR
and throw the tanuki into the river
where he proceeds to fucking die
like an asshole
and then I guess the kid proceeds to starve to death
because he just killed his only surviving family member
and now who is he going to pretend to sell to the villagers?

so the moral of the story
is I know the temptation may be great
but try not to assume that everybody you meet is a shapeshifter
it is just as dangerous as not assuming everyone you meet is a shapeshifter

the end.

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Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen

What the fuck is wrong with this guy
Seriously
So far the lessons we have learned from Hans Christian Assersen are as follows:
you need to be a horrible bitch to succeed in life
and then old men will rape you in your sleep
TWO FOR TWO THERE HANS OLD BUDDY
but the story I’m about to tell you not only takes the cake
it bakes a second cake just to videotape itself farting into it

so there’s this duck right
she can talk
OF COURSE
man just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characters
where the animals CAN’T talk
watch I’ll write one right now
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK
“QUACK” SAID THE DUCK
THEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREAD
man okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duck
she has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over them
and then they all hatch
and look at all these adorable baby ducks
holy shit these ducks are fine
they are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troy
or narcissus and HIMSELF
but there’s one duck
who is more like if someone tried to make a salad
out of shit
yeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shame
and the momma duck is like uh whoa
how did that come out of me
I guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked up
anything could have happened
but damn

but it’s okay
because as ugly as this duck is
his ass can SWIM
he can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducks
but oh wait did I say it was okay?
I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first time
all the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLY
GET OUT OF OUR FARM
and then his mom is like well son
you know what they say
true beauty is on the inside
so either you can leave right now
or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homeless
a couple days old and fucking homeless
he wanders around until he gets to the marshes
and he runs into some geese
and the geese are like yo what up uggo
come be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuck
in fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing later
there’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTED
maybe you will get lucky
a little interspecies romance never hurt anyone
except maybe the mutant offspring
and the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DIS
when all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
THAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THERE
and then the other goose gets shot
and the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swamp
waiting to die
and a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITE
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and runs away
and the duck is like well that’s cool I guess
still traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking storm
and the duck takes refuge in a farmhouse
the farmhouse is full of three things:
a blind old woman
a hen that is as stupid as two hens
and an insufferable cat
and the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCK
I HOPE IT LAYS EGGS
but of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggs
because he is a dude
so then the hen and the cat start talking shit
the cat’s like BOY YOU USELESS
BETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIME
WORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOU
and the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or something
and the duck is like fuck this I’m out of here
and that works out pretty well for him
because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty cold
and the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sources
but then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVED
some farmer finds him passed out in a ditch
and takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kids
but what’s this?
turns out kids are assholes
they basically just start punching the duck in the head again and again
and he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THIS
I’M DOUBLE OUT OF HERE
and breaks a bunch of dishes and escapes
INTO THE DEAD OF WINTER
he sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join them
so instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUT
WHAT
HOW DOES HE SURVIVE?
this is one lonely-ass duckling
in the middle of the goddamn wilderness
with no food and all the water is frozen
and it is snowing and he has no shelter
guys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winter
it’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTER
but whatever
apparently he doesn’t die
maybe he chews off one of his own legs or something
in fact yeah
we’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legs
and huddles inside it for warmth?
sure
so then he survives the winter somehow
and the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond again
and there are more of those fucking swans
and at this point this duck’s mind is completely gone
he’s been abandoned by his family
he saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of him
he’s been physically abused by children
and he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winter
there’s no coming back from that
so when he sees some swans chilling out in the pond
he is like well
I really wanna go over to them
but they’ll kill me because i’m so ugly
but you know what
fuck it
better to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my life
yo swans whats up
kill me
and the swans are like what?
no way dude you are totally a swan!
and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re right
and then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERE
LOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE IS
PRETTIEST SWAN EVER
and from then on the swan’s life is great
despite severe psychological damage
because now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the story
is to all you ugly people out there
you better hope to god you’re just a late bloomer
because otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to death
while your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

Thanks, Hans Christian Andersen.

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It’s been a while since I talked about booze

Okay so I’m taking a bartending class right now
and today I learned the origin story
of JAGERMEISTER
which if you are not familiar with it
is basically the closest you can get to shitting into your own mouth
actually it’s not that bad
i just really wanted to say that
it actually tastes like if liquorice developed a drinking problem

but ANYWAY
there’s this guy named Hubert right
he’s born in some french city with a really german name
he’s a duke or something
oh wait no he’s just the heir to the dukethrone
god is there a way to say dukethrone that doesn’t make it sound like a toilet?
also his grandfather’s name is Chairbert

so there’s not really a lot to do when you are mega rich in medieval europe
you kind of just have two options
you can have sex
or you can kill people
and while having sex could potentially supply you with an endless chain of babies
(which you could then kill
thus killing two birds with one stone
or i guess two babies with one sword
actually you could just kill as many babies as you want with a sword
unless they were kung fu babies
but even then my money’s on the sword)
SOME PEOPLE like to keep it simple
and Hubert is one of them
he is all about hunting
just killing animals
maybe taking their horns
not givin’ a FUCK about anything at all
until one day
good Friday to be specific
he’s nancing around the forest chasing this big white deer
and suddenly it stops and turns around
and there’s this HUGE GOLD CROSS JUST FLOATING BETWEEN ITS ANTLERS
and Hubert’s all like AAAAAAAA FUCK A FLOATING CROSS
and the deer is all HUBERT YOU BETTER STOP HUNTING ALL THE TIME
and Hubert is like OKAY CRAZY TALKING JESUS DEER
and then he becomes a priest
the deer actually tells him to go seek out some specific dude
who trains him to be a priest
but whatever
that guy dies like right now anyway
cause yeah Hubert goes on a pilgrimage to Rome
and while he’s there his trainer dude gets assassinated
and the pope hears about it via Catholic Telepathy
and he’s like HUBERT YOU ARE THE NEW BISHOP OF WHEREVER YOU’RE FROM
and then Hubert starts getting called the Apostle of something or other
and he gets sainted and shit

see I like the catholic thought process
not gonna lie
catholics in the middle ages were all like man
this jesus shit is gonna get old QUICK
better come up with some new jesuses
but they can’t be as jesusy as jesus because that would undermine EVERYTHING
so let’s make a bunch of bite sized mini jesii and call it a day
AND IT WORKS
that shit is SO ENTERTAINING
oh fairytale kick is officially over by the way

so anyway hubert gets home and he decides to fuck up all the pagans
who happen to live in the woods he used to hunt in
so i guess he uses his hunting powers FOR JESUS
also he cures a case of rabies
although the myth doesn’t say who or what he cured
could have been a rabid guy
or it could have just been a squirrel or something
no way to know
and then one day he’s on his way to dedicate a church
and god is all HEY HUBERT YOU’RE GONNA DIE
and Hubert is like MAKE ME
and god was like THAT’S WHAT I WAS PLANNING ON DOING BUDDY
so then Hubert dies

and then later someone invents Jagermeister!
it’s got like
the hunter’s prayer on it in german
and the hunter’s badge is on the cap
and there’s a picture of that fucked up deer on the front
because Hubert is the patron saint of hunters
which I don’t really get
because how do you become the patron saint of something
when you gave it up in order to become a fucking saint?
whatever

i guess the moral of the story
is if you are hunting
and deers start turning into jesus and talking to you
it is time to find a new hobby because you are hunting wrong

THE END.

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The Mouse, The Bird, and the Sausage

Seriously

I could just copy and paste this whole tale from Grimm’s
and you would probably think i wrote it
watch
I’ll copy over the first line:
“Once a Mouse, a Bird, and a Sausage joined forces.”
That is what this story is about
this story is about the unstoppable trio of two small woodland creatures and a hotdog

so yeah
the bird gathers the firewood
the mouse fetches water and makes the fire
and the sausage does the cooking
everyone is super pleased and it’s great
until ONE DAY the bird is out gathering wood
and one of his asshole bird friends has to show up and just fuck everything to bits
he’s like HEY BIRDFACE
LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TOTALLY GETTING THE SHORT END OF THE STICK HUH
GET IT I SAID STICK BECAUSE YOU ARE GATHERING STICKS
seriously though dude you have the shittiest job out of the three of you
all the mouse has to do is like get some water and make some fires
and making fires isn’t even work because making fires is AWESOME
and that sausage?
psh
all he does is sit by the pot for a few hours
and then towards the end he swims through the pot a couple of times to add flavor
first of all
that’s really weird that you have one of your friends swimming in your soup
second of all
it’s really weird that one of your friends is a sausage
and third of all
what were we talking about?
whatever
basically you need to stop carrying all the wood
or I am going to call you a pussnexus forever

so the bird comes home that night and he’s like ALRIGHT TWATBASKETS
THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE AROUND HERE
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY WE ARE GOING TO DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO DOES WHAT
and the mouse is like aw man come on
and the sausage doesn’t say anything because it’s a FUCKING SAUSAGE
actually wait in that case the mouse shouldn’t be able to talk either
and neither should the bird
so fuck it
nobody says anything
they all just make it known with meaningful facial expressions
and then they draw straws
and it turns out the bird is in charge of getting water and making the fire
the mouse is in charge of cooking
and the sausage has to get wood
haha sausage and wood are both euphemisms for penis

so the next day they try this stupid stupid arrangement
the sausage goes out to get wood
(haha penis)
and the bird makes the fire
and the mouse starts making some soup
but the sausage doesn’t come home and they start to get kinda worried
so the bird goes out to check on the sausage
and quickly discovers that a dog ate it
which is totally unsurprising because dogs love sausages
and the bird is like YOU BASTARD I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
(remember when i said the animals can’t talk
fuck that
they’re talking now
also they have police)
and the dog is like THAT SAUSAGE WAS CARRYING FORGED DOCUMENTS
I MADE A CITIZENS’ ARREST
WITH MY MOUTH
seriously that is part of the story
what did i tell you about copy and pasting this bullshit festival
so there’s nothing the bird can do in the face of that watertight legal defense
so he flies back home
and meanwhile
the mouse has decided that it is time to swim through the soup for flavoring
forgetting that he is in no way a sausage
and that even if he was a sausage it would still be pretty weird
and the boiling water kills him and i guess he ends up adding flavor after all

so the bird arrives home and the mouse isn’t there
and the bird is like WHERE ARE YOU YOU SILLY MOUSE
and he’s looking all over everywhere
and then the house starts burning down
and the bird is like OH SHIT GOTTA GET SOME WATER
so he goes to the well to get the water but he fucks up and drowns instead
and then the house burns down
and everyone is dead
hooray!

So the moral of the story
is don’t take advice from birds
or else your house will burn down
and you will drown while your friends are alternately boiled and eaten by dogs

the end!

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Little Red Riding Hood is a Dumb Little Girl

hey guys
if you are not following me on twitter
then you are missing out on some pretty great Rapunzel themed rap battles
between me and THE ENTIRE INTERNET
this is not some ploy to get you to follow me on twitter
i don’t actually know what I gain by having you follow me on twitter
but you know
rap battles

ANYWAY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

wait what the fuck is this
she’s called little red cap?
what the fuck germany
did you sneak into my childhood while i was asleep and shit all over everything?
THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW
TELL THE STORY OF LITTLE RED TOMBOY
AND HER MAGICAL NEWSBOY BERET?
whatever i’m just gonna call her red and you can fill in the rest

anyway so this chick has a grandmother
her grandmother lives thirty minutes away
walking
pretty sweet location
plenty of greenery
oh and also
COVERED WITH WOLVES
SERIOUSLY
SO MANY WOLVES
SOMETIMES THE WOLVES ARE SCRATCHING FOR FLEAS
BUT THEY ARE NOT FLEAS
THEY ARE JUST TINY WOLVES
WELCOME TO FAIRYTALES

so anyway little red’s mom is like hey red
take this basket full of booze to your gramma in the woods
we all know she likes to get fucked up
but remember
don’t leave the path
get there as quickly as possible
remember
SO MANY WOLVES
and red is like tsh whatever mom
VROOM

so red is going through the woods
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
HERE COMES A WOLF
all like hey little red whatever
whassup where you headed
and red is like my gramma’s house
and the wolf is like oh yeah what’s her address
maybe i can google map you a shortcut
and red is like GOOD CALL
and gives him the address
and then the wolf is like OH LOOK OVER THERE FLOWERS
and red is like HOLY SHIT SERIOUSLY?
and then proceeds to spend several hours gathering the PRETTIEST BOUQUET

CUT TO GRANDMA’S HOUSE
oh shit we cut too late
grandma is dead the wolf ate her
she let the wolf in because it did a fucking perfect imitation of little red
wait is this a wolf or is it that clown from It?
I AM CONFUSED
but anyway then red shows up
all like hello gramma i brought you your num nums
and the wolf is like YES HELLO CLIMB INTO MY MOUTH
and red is like i have a bad feeling about this
why do you have wolf ears?
and the wolf is like COSMETIC SURGERY
WOLF EARS ARE IN
and red is like ok but your eyes are pretty fucking big too
and the wolf is like oh i’m just mega stoned
you know how i do
and red is like well okay but you also seem to have a wolf mouth
and the wolf is like oh yeah well
that’s just for eating you
and red is like fuck
and then gets eaten
THE END

WAIT THAT’S NOT THE END
FUCK WHY DON’T THESE THINGS EVER END WHERE I WANT THEM TO
no so then some woodcutter shows up to fuck the shit out of gramma
cause he knows how she do
but he rolls in and there’s a fucking wolf in there
taking a post-carnage nap
and he’s like WOLF IMA FUCK YOU UP
and he’s about to kill it with a gun
when he’s like wait
that’s not needlessly cruel enough
lemme just slit open his fucking stomach
on the off chance that he doesn’t chew his food
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
APPARENTLY THIS IS NOT A WOLF BUT SOME KIND OF WEIRD SNAKE CREATURE
THAT LEAVES FULLY FORMED LIVING HUMAN BODIES IN ITS DIGESTIVE TRACT
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
THIS IS NOT SO MUCH A WOLF AS SOME KIND OF HORRIFYING MUTANT
but anyway yeah red and gramma come tumbling out
and apparently the wolf drank all the wine too because he is STILL ASLEEP
and then the woodsman fills his stomach with stones
and sews it up
and the wolf wakes up and tries to chase them
but he falls down and internally bleeds to death
which is pretty funny
until you realize how INCREDIBLY INHUMANE IT IS

but that’s not even the end
apparently a few weeks later
some other wolf decides to try the EXACT SAME THING
except this time i guess red is a little less of a fucking idiot
and instead of getting distracted while the wolf eats her grandma
she books it to grandma’s house
gets there first
warns the old battleaxe
who proceeds to bolt her door
then the wolf shows up all like IT’S MEEEE
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOOOOD
and gramma is like GET AWAY YOU FURRY GODDAMN SOCIOPATH
and the wolf is like OKAYYYYY
and then climbs on the roof to wait for red to leave so he can eat her
but grandma is a fucking wolf master at this point
she sees this move coming a mile away
this wolf is playing checkers and gramma is playing motherfucking HYPERCHESS
she boils some sausages
and then she takes the sausage water and she’s like hey red pour this shit in a trough in front of the house
and red does
and then the wolf is like OH MAN I SMELL MEAT
and dives headfirst into the water and drowns and boils and everything
and then i guess they get to eat the wolf

so the moral of the story is
wolves are not that dangerous
not even shapeshifting superwolves
just as long as you possess rudimentary surgical skills
meat water
or AN OUNCE OF FUCKING COMMON SENSE

the end.

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Who the fuck poaches pigs?

holy shit what is going on in the Ozarks

see there is this old chick right
her name is old betty
which is appropriate
because of how old she is
I think I’m gonna name all my future kids Old
because then it is GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE EVENTUALLY
unless they get fucked to death in their teens by a bison or something
but i mean you can’t think of everything right?
anyway Old Betty is supposed to be a super great conjurer or whatever
like she’s got all these potions and shit
and like special herbs and other varieties of who-gives-a-shit
she sells all this shit in town and I have no idea who the fuck buys it
but anyway that’s not the point
the point is she has a pet pig

who the fuck keeps a pig as a pet
pigs are good for two things
bacon
and crispy bacon
if I had a pig roaming around my house the temptation would just be TOO GREAT
but apparently Old Betty is a vegetarian or some shit
because she keeps this pig around for YEARS
and gives him a shitty name:
Raw Head
what?
LISTEN BITCH
EVERYONE’S HEAD IS RAW
BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT REGULARLY GET THEIR HEADS COOKED WHILE THEY ARE ALIVE
WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST CALL HIM
BREATHING LUNGS
OR
PIG WITH OXYGENATED BLOOD
anyway the pig eats a bunch of her magic spells
because it’s an unruly pig that gets into fucking everything
and so he starts walking around and making wisecracks and shit
which is even more reason to eat him but whatever

anyway one day Old Betty comes into town to sell her mystical bullshit
but HER PIG IS NOT WITH HER
and everyone is used to seeing the crazy witch with the uglyass pig pal
so they’re like hey where the fuck is your pig
and she’s like I DUNNO
but PLOT TWIST
Old Betty uses her crystal ball to figure out what happened to her pig
turns out some shitty poacher just fucking KILLED THAT LITTLE FUCKER
because apparently he is too much of a pussy to poach real shit
like rhinos and elephants and dragons
so he just runs around murdering STRAY FARM ANIMALS
anyway Old Betty gets pretty understandably pissed
so she’s like OH I KNOW
I WILL USE MAGICS
so she conjures some mystical lightning
while yelling about bloody bones
and basically the upshot of all this is that Raw Head’s head comes back to life
and then animates his old bloody bones
and gets up on his hind legs and starts running after the shitty poacher
and chases him down at his farm
or house
or whatever the fuck people live in in the ozarks
and just pulls off some classic horror movie shit
what with the standing in the shadows and breathing in a threatening manner
while the poacher stupidly assumes it is some neighborhood kid playing pranks
and then eventually he gets murdered
because guess what
IT IS STUPID TO IGNORE SKELETAL INTRUDERS ON YOUR FARM
so yeah he dies
and Old Betty is placated

and the moral of the story is
if you wanna kill pigs
be a pig farmer
you get free bacon
and you don’t get chased down by magic demon zombie hogs
usually

THE END

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So It Turns Out Animals Are Less Worthless Than I thought

Alright so japan is apparently full of talking animals
as this story will prove
also other weird shit
SO:

there’s an old man and an old woman
this seems to be a running theme in these stories
except that in this case
the wife is not a huge bitch
and the husband is not an irresponsible jackass
so this is a pretty fucking well adjusted family by any standard
and one day
the wife is washing clothes in the river
i guess cause their washing machine is broken or something
and she finds a peach
floating in the river i guess
and she is like THIS WILL MAKE A LOVELY SNACK FOR MY HUSBAND
and she brings it home
but PLOT TWIST
IT IS NOT A PEACH IT IS A BABY
or rather a peach-shaped egg that a baby hatches out of
so they are sitting around the table like holy shit what do we do
well i guess we kind of have to feed it and shit
let’s name it Momotaro
AKA PEACHBABY

so peachbaby grows up and gets a bunch of shitty ideas
and one of those ideas is to go rough up all the ogres that live nearby
and steal all their shit
so he is like hey mom hey dad
i’m gonna go do something recklessly stupid in a minute
can you make me some dumplings out of birdseed?
and his mom is like sure honey whatever you want

so this kid sets off with a bag full of dumplings
and a head full of idiot
and basically the first thing that happens is he gets ambushed by a monkey
all like HEY HEY HEY
HEY HEY HEY
I’LL HELP YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME OGRES IF YOU GIVE ME A DUMPLING
THIS SEEMS LIKE A GREAT DEAL TO ME
and peachbaby is like yeah sure
so then the monkey starts following him
and then a pheasant shows up like OY OY OY
OY OY OY
I WILL ALSO HELP YOU FUCK UP SOME OGRES IN EXCHANGE FOR A TASTY DUMPLING AS WELL
and peachbaby is like yeah help yourself
and then a dog shows up like WOOF WOOF FUCKITY WOOF BITCH
GIMME SOME DUMPLING AND I WILL GIVE YOU SOME DEAD OGRES
and peachbaby is like i like your style
here’s a dumpling

so by the time this kid gets to the ogres’ island
he’s got this ridiculous animal entourage
and he is basically like alright guys
murdertime
and the bird flies over the walls of the ogres’ castle
and the monkey climbs the walls
and meanwhile peachbaby and the dog manage to beat down the front gates
GUYS
a monkey
a dog
a teenager
and a bird that looks like some kind of psychedelic chicken
JUST COMPROMISED A FORTRESS
BUILT
BY OGRES
WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THESE DUMPLINGS?
and then once they beast their way inside the fortress
they just proceed to start dishing out asses left and right
the ogres are basically queuing up to receive their assrations
it’s a regular ASS-embly line
DO YOU GET IT

so yeah eventually the ogres get tired of getting skullfucked to death
by creatures roughly one hundredth of their size
and they are like shit man fine
just take all our treasure
sure we’ve been saving that stuff for like
CENTURIES
but you go ahead and take it
dicks
and peachbaby becomes obscenely rich
and is happy for ever

so the moral of the story is
if you’re ever gonna do something recklessly stupid
get your mom to pack you a lunch first

the end.

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Sparrows Are Another Kind Of Animal That Can Talk

Sorry I fucked up let’s pretend today is Saturday
what are you complaining about
now you get 1 extra day of weekend

Anyway so Japan right

it’s got these two old people in it
they are married
one is a man and one is a woman
i just thought i’d make that clear
so they have this pet right
it’s a sparrow
apparently that is a kind of pet that you keep in japan
and the old man is all ABOUT this sparrow
but see his wife
like just about every wife we have discussed for the last week
and really pretty much every woman that gets mentioned in myths ever
is resting on a vast underground reserve
of bitchtonium
which is a radioactive element
that basically just makes you a huge bitch all the time
so one day this woman is doing laundry
and the bird flies over to where she is keeping her starch
and is like THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS
YOINK
at which point this dame gets so butthurt
that her butt walks with a permanent limp from that day forward
and also she grabs the sparrow
cuts its fucking tongue
like she’s a mob boss or some shit
and then naturally the sparrow is like fuck this i’m leaving

so later the old man comes home
and he is like where is my lovable feathered pal?
and his wife is like HE STOLE MY STARCH SO I FUCKING CUT THAT BITCH
and the old man is like jesus christ woman
why do you always cut my friends on their tongues
fuck this i’m leaving
so he leaves and he goes looking for his animal buddy
and it takes him FUCKING FOREVER
but finally they just run into each other
and the bird is like sup dude
congrats on finding me
and the dude is like sup bird
congrats on being able to talk despite having a cut up tongue
and the bird is like dude i have not seen you in forever
let’s have a FEAST
so they feast
i don’t know where the sparrow gets all this food
but he is seriously hooked the fuck UP
like he is so hooked up
that the hooks he is hooked up with
are hooked up with other hooks
that are in turn continuing to HOOK HIM UP
so after like a solid week
of nonstop megafood indulgence
the man is like this is really great dude
but i kind of abandoned my wife a month or so ago
and she’s prolly getting pretty pissed at this point
like her natural state is pretty pissed actually
so i think she might be getting ultimate pissed
and when she is ultimate pissed sometimes she threatens to cut my tongue
maybe it’s better that i don’t go home
so he hangs out for like another week or so
but finally he’s like you know what
i kind of miss my house
enough to brave my venomous bitch of a wife
so im sorry dude but i really gotta go
and the bird is like aww fuck dude
it was great having you around
here
have some baskets
and the old man is like damn son
one of those baskets is really unreasonably heavy
and i am unreasonably old
how about i just take the light one
and the bird is like sure dude no problem

so the old man gets home
and his wife is like WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE I WANT TO CUT YOUR TONGUE
and the old man is like chill out i was just hanging with some birds
look i got a basket
and he opens the basket
and it is FULL OF GOLD
WHERE DO BIRDS GET GOLD
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PIGEON WITH A FUCKING ROLEX OR ANYTHING
so his wife is like oh shit yes
hold on husband
lemme try and get some birdgold real quick

so she goes to the bird’s house
which honestly given the details of this myth is probably more like a mansion
and she is like yo bird good to see you
and the bird is like fuck off bitch
and the woman is like aren’t you at least going to give me some presents
and the bird is like sure here’s two baskets but you can only have one
and the woman is like I WANT THE HEAVY ONE I BET IT’S FULL OF GOLD
but guess what
turns out it’s full of GOBLINS instead
i dunno how many goblins you can fit in a basket
but this basket is full of at least three times that many
and they jump out and beat the shit out of her
okay i was confused as to where a bird got gold
but WHERE THE FUCK does a bird get GOBLINS?
GOBLINS THAT ARE WILLING TO GET STUFFED IN A BASKET AND OFFERED TO STRANGERS?
I’VE SEEN DUDES WEARING ROLEXES
I HAVE NEVER SEEN DUDES TOTING A FULL ON GOBLINOID PICNIC PARTY OF PAIN
anyway then the old man remarries and has a son
and lives happily ever after while his wife gets ruined by monsters

so the moral of the story
is make friends with sparrows
i don’t know where they get all this shit
but they will HOOK
YOU
UP

the end.

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