Coyote Needs Some Goddamn Ritalin

Okay so this is pretty crazy

because my friend James just told me this story about constellations
and then i went onto this blog right here
and this chick charlotte
is all up in here
requesting a myth about constellations
my mind is blown

but not blown enough apprently
because i am still going to go ahead and tell this myth

alright so rabbit
he is kind of a complete puss nexus
he is so much of a push over
his wife rolled over to his side of the bed once
and he ended up on fucking mercury
so when the great spirit shows up like HEY
HEY RABBIT
I’VE GOT ALL THESE FUCKING STARS
AND I NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERGO THE INCREDIBLY MENIAL
MIND NUMBING
FUCKING UTTERLY POINTLESS TASK
OF PUTTING ALL OF THESE STARS IN THAT SKY OVER THERE
ONE BY ONE
IN A VERY PARTICULAR PATTERN
DICTATED BY ME
IN ORDER TO SPELL OUT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT LAWS
WHICH I THEN EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW
AND MAYBE ENFORCE ALSO
BASICALLY
I’M GONNA GO GET WASTED WHILE YOU DO MY JOB
and rabbit is like ok dont hurt me

so the great spirit gives rabbit this blanket
full of all the stars ever
which are covered
in ULTIMATE SUPERGLUE
so if rabbit fucks up even once
everything is ruined forever

so of course rabbit is ultra careful
sitting up there in the sky
taking out a star
checking where it’s supposed to go
double checking where it’s supposed to go
gingerly placing it in the sky
doin’ it all again
and again and again

so after like
a hojillion hours
coyote shows up
like HEY ASSCACTUS WHAT’S HAPPENING
and rabbit is like oh fuck
i mean hey coyote
nothing
nothing at all
and coyote is like IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE NOTHING
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE PUTTING ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY
HERE LET ME HELP
and rabbit is like fuck
why don’t i have a spine
ok you can help
so coyote is like OK I SEE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPELLING OUT SOME LAWS
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT
and rabbit is like yes that is the idea
and coyote is like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I’M GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET PICTURES OF ANIMALS
CHECK IT OUT THIS ONE IS A FUCKING BEAR
and rabbit is like coyote that is not what we are supposed to do
that is not what we are supposed to do at all
and coyote is like DONT YOU SEE RABBIT
I MADE A FUCKING BEAR
A MOTHERFUCKING BEARRRRRR
OK I’M GONNA DO YOU NOW
WATCH
and rabbit is like coyote i am flattered by your portraiture
even if your medium is precious irreplaceable stars
but if you would just hold on for one moment
and coyote is like TOUGH TITS NANCY BOY
I AM MAKING ALL KINDS OF ANIMALS UP IN HERE
FOX
CAT
BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
IS THAT A GODDAMN RHINOCEROS
FUCK NO
GIRAFFE ASSHOLE
but then suddenly
coyote is like WAIT
THIS IS TAKING

WAY

TOO

LONG

I WANNA GO RIDE A BIKE OR SOME SHIT
MAYBE SET SOMETHING ON FIRE
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
I’M COYOTE
ANYWAY I’M HANDLING THIS
and he takes the remaining stars
and chucks them all into the sky
creating the milky way
and that’s why the sky looks so fucked up now

as for rabbit
well
the great spirit only punishes him a LITTLE
for coyote’s actions
so it works out kind of ok in the end
except who the fuck knows what those laws were supposed to be

so the moral of the story is
if you have a friend like coyote
who is a massive toolclown who cannot stop causing problems
invest in some industrial strength solvent
or your friend will get you in trouble with god

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Coyote Needs Some Goddamn Ritalin

  1. I heard that the reason coyote howls at the night sky is because while making pictures, he forgot to make a picture of himself.

  2. ha-ha-ha! said Magpie. I DO have a friend called Coyote. Happily I can get into trouble all b myself with no help from her. AND I can always blame her anyways! ;-P hee hee hee!

  3. you need to do more coyote myths. like that one were coyote wants to bang this hot chick but shes all no way i want to bang the guy with the smallest dick so line up and let me check so coyote exchages his dick with a mouse and coyote wins and everyone is happy unti everyone sees the mouse trying to drag coyotes huge dick around.

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