Don’t Go Changin’ on Me

So back to Zeus and the people he puts his dick in

this story actually has a twist
which i am going to give away right now:
in this story
ZEUS DOES NOT GET LAID
guys
this is like
if you were watching a movie
starring action hero BRUCE WILLIS
and he failed to die AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
or if you were watching a movie
starring kung fu legend BRUCE LEE
and he did not kick anyone in the face
or like
if you were watching LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER
starring suicidal miracle machine JACKIE CHAN
and in the first scene everyone joined alcoholics anonymous
shit is straight up UNTHINKABLE
but i assure you it is true
it is true for a very good reason
see zeus has his eye on this choice piece of ass
this sea nymph thetis
only problem is
his brother poseidon has his eyes on this same piece of ass
and he actually has a pretty good argument why he should bone her
seeing as she is a SEA nymph
and not a POLYGAMOUS LIGHTNING nymph
but zeus is king of the gods and a horndog asshole
so he gets into a fight with poseidon
and finally they are like you know what
lets just ask the oracle at delphi
cause she always says SUCH HELPFUL THINGS
so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like
guess what
if thetis ever gets preggers
and has a baby
that baby is gonna be more powerful than his dad
and zeus is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
either I can singlehandedly invent birth control
or I can completely fuck up the divine chain of command
I LIKE being king
and i am too busy getting pussy to be a scientist
you can have her poseidon
and poseidon is like fuck no
i dont want no emasculating demon son
you fuck her
and zeus is like agh fine you know what
how about neither of us fuck her
i happen to owe a favor to this dude Peleus
he’s a friend of my son hercules
how about we just marry thetis off to peleus
and poseidon is like sounds good to me
so zeus and poseidon are like sup peleus
we heard your last wife just killed herself
because this other chick was jealous of your marriage
and told your wife you were gonna fuck a twelve year old
want a new wife?
and peleus is like well im still pretty broken up over my dead wife
and zeus is like this chick is hot man
and peleus is like
what do i gotta do
and zeus is like oh its simple
just go find her on this beach where she hangs out
and put her in a chokehold
and dont let go no matter what
bam
new wife
see what no one is really acknowledging here
is that zeus doesnt REALLY have the authority
to marry thetis off to anyone
all he can do really is give peleus some tips and tricks
in the art of raping
and also a crash course
in the science
of raping
so peleus goes to this beach and finds thetis totally naked sunbathing
and jumps out from behind a dune like
GOTCHA WOMAN WHAT NOW
and thetis is like HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO FIRE
and peleus is like THETIS MY WIFE IS DEAD I NEED A NEW WIFE
and he suffers some serious burns but keeps on holding on
and thetis is like WELL HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO WATER
and peleus is like THETIS I NEED TO GET LAID REAL BAD
and he is so desperate for lovin’ that he manages to hold onto WATER
and thetis is like OKAY IM A LION NOW
and peleus is like I DIDNT LET GO WHEN YOU WERE FIRE
WHY WOULD I LET GO OF A PANSY-ASS LION
and thetis is like SEA SERPENT
and peleus is like MORE LIKE SEMEN SERPENT
HAHA GET IT
I AM SO UNCONCERNED ABOUT THIS
THAT I AM MAKING SEXUAL INNUENDO
and at that point thetis is just like fuck this
id rather marry you than listen to any more of this bullshit
so they get married
and have a kid
no one important
just some dude named ACHILLES
and thetis is like you know what
i dont see any point in having a kid
who is not totally invincible
so im going to take this baby
and dip him in the river styx
and every part of him that goes underwater will be invincible
but hm
i have to hold him by something so he wont get swept away
and drown in the river of death
that would kind of defeat the purpose
so she holds him by his heel
and dips him into the water
keeping his heel totally vincible
the ultimate weak spot
and that is why
to this day
if you are trying to become invincible
you need to make a giant version of one of those wire loops you use when you’re dying easter eggs
dont fuck around

the end.

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7 thoughts on “Don’t Go Changin’ on Me

  1. Gotta admit, I always wondered why she didn't just pick him up, flip him over, and dip his heel in the river too. Is there a no-double-dipping rule on the River Styx?

  2. That always bugged me too, but really, when you think about it, on the list of really obvious oversights in Greek mythology, this one's pretty damn minor.

  3. I never got why she didn't just dip her whole hand in? BAM no more weak spot, plus you've got an invincible hand! Only downside- Achilles heel becomes a rather useless name

  4. Well if I remember my myth correctly, one of the gods (can’t remember who. Athena mabey?) saw her doing it and thought she was drowning her child and so stopped her before she could finish.

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