Eshu Elegba is a Big Ol’ Jerk Clown

I’m okay guys don’t freak out
jeeze
everybody is being so nice to me I feel like I must be terminally ill or something
grad school may be a lot of work
but it gives me access to JSTOR
which is the source of today’s myth
(also, the jesus video will go up tomorrow when I hijack a computer at school
man what would I do without school?
have a lot more money probably)
Oh! Also!
Check out this guy. He’s doing what I’m doing but exclusively with Chinese myths
and he speaks Chinese so he is getting at the primary sources and stuff!
There’s a really hilarious one up right now about vomiting
you should take a look

Okay so there’s this dude Eshu right?
He’s one of the main gods in the Yoruba pantheon
and also a pretty cool dude
basically he is what Hermes would be like
if he was pretty much allowed to run his whole pantheon
he is associated mainly with roads, trickery, pipe-smoking and dongs
the last two may be interrelated
hell, the last three
you know what, fuck it
everything is related to dongs
MOVING ON

this should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit Eshu pulls:

so there are these two farmers
they are best buds and they live across the street from each other
so one day they’re sitting out on their respective porches
enjoying the sunshine and each others’ companionship
when Eshu Elegba walks by real fast
and the farmer on the north side of the road is like dude did you see that guy?
the one with the red hat?
where the hell was he running?
and the farmer on the south side of the street is like uh dude
i saw a guy
but he was wearing a BLUE AND WHITE hat
i think maybe you’ve had too much to drink
and the first farmer is like no no no guess again shiteyes
that guy’s hat was clearly red
and the second farmer is like YOU are the one with shit for eyes
and the first farmer is like I’LL SHIT ON YOUR EYES
and just then Eshu Elegba walks past in the other direction
and the first farmer is like holy balls you’re right
the dude’s hat IS blue and white
and the second guy is like What are you talking about
YOU are the one who is right
that guy’s hat is CLEARLY red
and the first farmer is like YOU KNOW WHAT’S RED?
MY FIST
AFTER I USE IT TO EXTRACT YOUR STILL BEATING HEART FROM YOUR CHEST
THAT HAT WAS BLUE AND WHITE YOU SNIVEROUS TWANK
and the other guy is like IT WAS RED, YOU SHANDY-PANCAKE
and the first guy is like WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHANDY PANCAKE?
and the second guy is like DON’T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS TO CUT YOUR FACE OFF WITH IT
and then the neighbors show up like whoa guys
enough is enough
we’re gonna take you guys to the king and let him sort it out
and they go all the way to the king
and they get into the throne room
and then Eshu shows up like POOF KLAZAM DICKHEADS
and they see his hat from the front
because i guess they never tried to look at him
while he was RUNNING TOWARDS OR AWAY FROM THEM
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
IT’S HALF RED AND HALF WHITE/BLUE
IT IS THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN PARTY FEDORA
and Elegba is like guess what guys
YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D
this is what happens when you start a new official friendship
and fail to make a sacrifice to me in the process
BECAUSE I’M ELEGBA
APPROVER OF FRIENDSHIPS
naw jk guys I just kinda wanted to see a fight
and then he runs off and everyone is like what the hell was the point of that?

so the moral of the story
is make sure to eat your carrots
because depth perception might just save your friendship

THE END.

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7 thoughts on “Eshu Elegba is a Big Ol’ Jerk Clown

  1. i am so pleased about this chinese myth site! i've been meaning to send you a suggestion email, and you go and preemptively direct me to a sweet website. thanks!

  2. Pingback: Besouro Kicks Cops in the Face | Myths RETOLD

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