Fuck Socrates Caves Are Awesome

Are you ready to get your humor glands brutalized by Jason “Comedy Pugilist” Nelson? TOO LATE HERE HE COMES!

hey guys
this is not-Myth-Guy
since actual-myth-guy is moving to Chicago
here to tell you a story college taught me
about Socrates and a cave

So the story starts with Socrates telling a story
about how ignorant people are
and how smart he is in comparison.
Seriously, Socrates is all about the mental masturbation
throwing his philosophical horndog a bone
choking his thought monkey
squeezing his brooding worm
flying his meditative cloud 9
Okay so you get the point, Socrates like to talk
Just wanted to put that out there as it’s his thing

So the story starts in a dank ass-cave
dank as in grungy and unpleasant
not dank as in good like some people use it
There are people in this cave
chained to the cave walls as prisoners
so that they constantly have to face one wall of the cave
their arms, legs, and head face in one direction
Guys
this story isn’t going to make much more sense
just a warning
So these prisoners are the normal people of society in this allegory
Behind these prisoners is a big bon fire
never explained why
I guess it’s just to taunt the prisoners
Also behind the prisoners is a raised walkway
where people walk back and forth, carrying things on their head.
Now, who these people are that placed them here,
why the people are imprisoned,
and why people would spend their time walking back and forth
with “figures of men and animals” made of wood and stone,
I dunno
I guess I’d be bored too, looking after some prisoners staring at a wall

So the people, not having a whole lot to do with their time,
and I guess having been imprisoned like this since birth,
Watch the shadows being projected onto the wall they’re looking at
not knowing that they’re shadows
and rather beliving they are the real deal
and the echoes of the people walking on the raised walkway to be real sounds instead of echoes
They have their own little competitions over who can guess what sound/shape will be seen next
because what else are you going to do in this situation
play pokemon?
I don’t even know how these guys would learn how to talk
much less understand that Charizard is the best pokemon

So at some point, someone gets released from the shackels
No mention as to why
I think the guards got bored, and wanted to fuck around with this guy
So this guy, understandably, looks around after being unshackled
And doesn’t think the objects he sees are real, since he’d only seen shadows before
And is blinded by the fire when he looks at it
Like “What the fuck
why is that so bright
my eyes are exploding
I don’t even know what an explosion is
Fuck”
And the guards force him outside to the surface, into the sunlight
giggling like little school children
Because they’re massive dicks who are easily entertained by a blind man
wandering around aimlessly
Socrates never mentions who these guards are in this allegory
but I like to imagine it’s Socrates and his buddies
“enlightening” the poor people
Because see, the light is a metaphor for truth
because the truth is hidden from direct exposure to the general populace
and the truth hurts to look at
It’s like learning that Santa isn’t real
unless you haven’t found that out yet
in which case don’t read that last line
about how Santa isn’t real

So this guy on the surface is wandering around, looking into the shadows because that hurts less
understandably pissed about being “enlightened”
then he starts looking at reflections in the water
And he starts to understand what color is
and then at actual stuff
slowly realizing just how stupid he and the prisoners have been for not recognizing that the shadows aren’t real
until he finally decides to look directly at the sun
and he wonders “What’s that bright thing in the sky
that is currently melting my eyeballs?”
and decides that it is the “source of the seasons and the years”
(even though he shouldn’t know what a season or what a year is)
and basically is where truth comes from

So this guys is feeling all smart now
Like some college freshman out of Philosophy 101
And really wants to tell his cave buddies what is actually real
so he can have sex with the impressionable young college-age women
telling them about how it would maximize both of their utilities if they did it
Using words like “propiniquity” or “fecundity”
(By the way that doesn’t work)
Anyway he goes back to the cave
like “sup guys
Did you know that those things are shadows
and not real things?”
But instead of instantly getting bunny hunny
the people are like
“Oh really?
What’s that thing then?”
as they point to a shadow

Because the guy has been acclimated to the sunlight,
he can’t see worth shit in there
and so the chained people make fun of him and don’t believe him
thinking his eyes are broken
no poontang for the enlightened one

So this whole story is basically about how Socrates has seen the light
and anyone who doesn’t agree with him are just un-enlightened
making it that much harder to argue with him
How unexpected

So the moral of this story is
don’t bother looking at the light
because Socrates is always better than you
The End

If Jason has a website I don’t know about it. Or I forgot. But probably he just doesn’t have one.

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4 thoughts on “Fuck Socrates Caves Are Awesome

  1. Philosophy is valuable because it gives people something to think about other then the fact that they can't get laid.

    Also, love this Jason!

  2. Pingback: Orpheus and Eurydice –> Myths RETOLD

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