Gamblin’ Hans

So there’s this guy Hans
he has a gambling addiction
and this is no normal gambling addiction
this addiction is straight up and no joke
SUPERNATURAL
let me explain:

So one night
two dudes show up at Hans’s house
like “hey man we were just passing through
we need a place to crash for a couple days”
and Hans is like “Sorry dudes
I have literally gambled away 100% of my possessions
I don’t even have food or a bed”
and the two dudes are like “oh that’s no problem”
because what Hans doesn’t know
is that these two dudes
are Saint Peter
and GOD.

Wait
what the fuck
what are these guys doing here
don’t they have more important things to be in charge of
like guarding the gates of heaven
and ADMINISTRATING THE FUCKING UNIVERSE?
and even if they’re on vacation or some shit
one would think that the creator of everything
might be able to secure fancier digs
than a GAMBLING HOVEL
so I guess the only explanation is that this is some kinda test

and sure enough, here comes the test
God gives Hans 20 bucks
and he’s like “alright dude, go get us some pizza”
but on the way to Pizza Hut
Hans passes the casino where he lost all his money
so now it’s decision time:
does Hans go buy pizza for god
or does he spend his 20 bucks on roulette?

GUYS I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GAMBLING ADDICTION
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
so God and Saint Peter start to wonder where Hans is at
and they go find him at the casino
like “hey what happened to our 20 bucks”
and Hans is like “uh
A BIRD STOLE IT
FUCKING BIRDS, AM I RIGHT?”
and while god DOES hate birds
he knows that Hans is full of shit
so he reaches into his back pocket of divine justice
and he pulls out
ANOTHER 20 DOLLARS
and he gives it to hans
like “Alright dude
watch out for birds this time.”
Wait what?
I thought this was a test
but it turns out it was just that god had too many Jacksons
and he needed some unreliable dude to help him get rid of them

but it turns out sorta okay
because Hans DOES come back with pizza this time
and then they eat their pizza and god is like
“hey man
thanks for the pizza
I probably could have gotten it faster myself
but apparently I am terrifyingly lazy
so as a reward for this errand
how about I give you three wishes?”
and he figures Hans will just wish to get into heaven
because i mean
eternal paradise is a pretty sweet deal
for a ten-minute pizza run
that you DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR
but instead
Hans immediately wishes for
a deck of cards that will never lose
a pair of dice that will always win
and … a fruit tree
that grows any kind of fruit imaginable
and uh
anyone who climbs up it needs his permission to get back down
because honestly
three wishes
is a lot of wishes to use up rationally.

so god is like whatever
and he and saint peter go back home
and meanwhile Hans proceeds to gamble SO HARD
that within a year
he literally owns HALF OF THE OBJECTS ON EARTH
and saint peter is up in heaven
and he’s like “whoah
god
I think we may have started some problems
by giving this pathological gambler infinite luck”
and God is like “whoa really?
why are people even still gambling with this guy?
You’d think they would’ve caught on by now.
Whatever, let’s just send Death after him.”

So death shows up at Hans’s palace
like “Yo dude, time to die”
and hans is like “Yeah man lemme just finish this hand
in the meantime
why don’t you climb up that fruit tree and get us some pineapples”
and death is like DURR OKAY
and then he climbs up the tree
and he can’t get down unless hans says so
so suddenly no one can die
FOR SEVEN YEARS
just like in that other story
and serious overpopulation shit starts to happen
and up in heaven Saint Peter is like “whoa
god
it seems like your death plan kinda backfired”
and god is like “shit, seriously?
why did death even want a pineapple?
we give him all the pineapples he wants down in hell
whatever, i’ll just tell Hans to let death out of the tree”

so God tells Hans to do that
and Hans is like “Okay fine”
and then death jumps out of the tree and strangles him to death
which seems inexcusably inelegant

So Hans dies
and he goes to hell
and he’s immediately like “hey satan
let’s gamble”
and Satan is apparently an idiot
because he agrees
so Hans wins hell
and then he tells all the demons to go ruin heaven
and Saint Peter is like “Whoah
God
it seems that putting a pathological gambler with infinite luck
in the kingdom of ultimate evil
along with another pathological gambler who does NOT have infinite luck
WAS A BAD IDEA”
and God is like “Really?
Shit man, what did Hans even have to bet against Satan with?
Whatever, just let him into heave.”
WHAT

So Hans gets into heaven
and he turns it into a gambling den pretty much immediately
angels are losing their shirts left and right
and that’s great
because have you ever seen pictures of angels?
those guys are fuckin’ CUT
but so Saint Peter looks down on this fiasco
and he’s like “God
buddy
we really need to come up with a more permanent solution for this guy”
and God is like “Well why didn’t you say so?”
And he flings Hans down to earth
and his soul shatters into a million pieces
and the shards all fly into poor unsuspecting dudes
causing gambling addictions
(kind of like how Thetans work)
and that is when Gamblin’ Hans
finally runs out of luck.

So the moral of the story
is there is no justice
only snake eyes

THE END.

THE END.

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5 thoughts on “Gamblin’ Hans

  1. This kinda reminded me of the anime Kaiji, only that he’s an unlucky bastard with a gambling adiction… and an awesome narrator. It’s pretty sweet.

  2. Gambling is also a major international commercial activity, with the legal gambling market totaling an estimated $335 billion in 2009.In other forms, gambling can be conducted with materials which have a value, but are not real money. For example, players of marbles games might wager marbles, and likewise games of Pogs or Magic: The Gathering can be played with the collectible game pieces (respectively, small discs and trading cards) as stakes, resulting in a meta-game regarding the value of a player’s collection of pieces.*`

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