Happy birthday god dammit

okay so this is the closest update day to your birthday
you
you know who you are
i am not going out of my way to make your birthday special
because i am a mean old bastard
and anyway i am in a bad mood today
because someone bet me i couldn’t go the whole time i’m in chicago
without using allcaps
so this blog is going to suffer heavily
only thing that could have been worse
is if they tried to get me to stop saying fuck

pee ess
now would be a good time to give me that other ten dollars
because i am in a city right now
with places to stay
and unlimited free internet
so i can actually upload videos this week
also i just spent like seven dollars on this cup of pink soup
and i have no idea what makes soup pink
i could die guys
i dont think i have health insurance

anyway here’s a myth about Cuchulainn again

so cuchulainn is still like 12 fucking years old
but apparently this goddess morrigan
who is the goddess of like
blood and awful shit
and tearing motherfuckers up
has heard of his deeds already
and is getting her ladyparts all slippery over them
so one day
cuchulainn is sleeping
when he hears this terrible awful noise
coming from the north
and he is like shit boys
saddle up my chariot
lets go see what that is

so he rides north for a bit
and he runs into this hot chick
with red hair
and a red cloak
and even red eyebrows
which saves cuchulainn having to ask
if the carpet matches the drapes
if you know what i mean
and i think you do

so cuchulainn is like who the hell are you
and she is like i am a chick
who is pretty hot
and who has heard of your deeds
i am here for your loving
and cuchulainn is like i am too busy murdering
go away
and this chick is like you know dude
i have been helping you win all those battles
and i will continue to help you
in exchange
for your young boy-loving
and if you turn me down
we will be enemies forever
and i will come and hinder you when you meet an opponent
who is a match for you

but cuchulainn is apparently a fucking idiot
and he is like bitch did you hear me
no means no
and he goes to smack her upside the head
but suddenly she is nowhere to be seen
and there is a raven sitting on a branch
looking at him like boy you done fucked up now
and suddenly he realizes he was talking to the goddess morrigan
and he is like shit
i done fucked up now

so anyway then he goes adventuring again
kills a ton of dudes
gets a ton of laid
and the very next day
he gets to this river
and he meets this dude Loch
and of course he is like come on dude
i am about to serve you up a hot heaping plate
of you getting killed by me right now
and lock is like psh yeah right
i won’t fight you
you don’t even have a beard
i only fight dudes with beards

so cuchulainn squats down by the roadside
and picks a bunch of berries
and crushes them up
and rubs them all over his face
to make it look like he has a wicked purple five o’clock shadow
and then he takes some grass
and sticks it to the berry juice
so he sets himself up
with the jankiest beard ever
(still better than my beard though now that i think of it)
and then he is like will you fight me now
and loch is like damn kid
how did you grow a beard so fast

so they start fighting
and true to her word
morrigan shows up to fuck with Cuhculainn’s shit
first she shows up as a big old red cow
and tries to knock him over
but cuchulainn just reaches over and breaks that cow’s leg
then she turns into an eel
and tries to trip him
but this is a stupid plan
because it puts her well within stomping range
so with a broken spine and a broken leg
morrigan becomes a wolf
and tries to maul the shit out of cuchulainn’s swording arm
but he is like fuck that
and pokes out her eye
then turns around
and murders Lock with his magic spear
the one with the thirty barbs
you know
the gae bolga
man that is such a funny goddamn name

anyway once he is finished like pissing on loch’s corpse
or ripping off his face
or skullfucking his kneecaps or something
cuchulainn continues across the river
and finds this old chick
milking a cow
and he’s like fuck i’m thirsty
can you give me a drink of that milk
and she is like sure
and she squirts some into his mouth
and he is like more
and she squirts some more
and then he is like more again
and she squirts more into his mouth and he is like ok
my thirst is quenched
that is enough cowpiss thank you
how can i ever repay you
and the woman turns to him
with a broken arm
and a broken spine
and a broken eye
and is like fix me the fuck up asshole
so then he heals her
for some reason
even though she has done nothing
other than try to coerce him into having sex with her
and then when that failed
try to make him die face down in a river
but anyway then he’s like are we even
and she’s like sure
and leaves

but then a few years later
on the way to some battle
cuchulainn sees these three old women
who are all morrigan
and they are like come eat this roast dog
which you are never supposed to eat
or you are prophecized to die
and cuchulainn is like are you sure guys
that sounds like a horrible idea
and they are like come onnn
and he is like ok
and eats it
and then goes ahead and gets killed in battle

but as soon as he realizes his is gonna die
he is like fuck this shit
i am going to die standing up
how is this possible
oh i know
i will tie myself to a rock with my own intestines
so he does that thing
and he dies
and no one is even sure he is dead
until morrigan turns into a raven and lands on his shoulder
and then everyone is like dear god finally

so the moral of the story
is if you find your mortal enemy on the side of the road
suffering from grevious wounds you inflicted
do not
i repeat
do not heal her
no matter how much free milk she offers you

the end.

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7 thoughts on “Happy birthday god dammit

  1. Yay! You made the day before my birthday awesome!

    Seriously, I've been trying to post a comment for like a week now and my computer is like FU. So now I'm on a different computer posting a comment.

    Also yes, your myths are being tweeted. You should tweet stuff too.

  2. Noice. Quick note, just thought you'd like to know…

    The ad directly under this myth was that stupid "…and I'm a Mormon" video that I've seen in a couple places.

    Bitches be askin' for it, that's all I'm sayin'…

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