Helen Went To Egypt and it Sucked

And to close this magnificent guest week we have the deliriously ill mythical stylings of Jesse “Fistzilla” Castaldi. Oh wait I lied this does not close the guest week there is going to be one more on Saturday.

Guess what
I bet you thought you knew allll about Helen and Paris
and that whole asshole murderfest a.k.a. the Trojan War
well UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST
this myth calls bullshit on Homer
it’s all about Egypt
and one gold thirsty pharaoh
and one gullible pharaoh
and magic hot ladies made out of clouds

so the whole Helen disaster began with Paris
when he got a little tit-dazzled by Hera and Athena and Aphrodite
and inconveniently picked Helen as his prize
and Aphrodite was like FUCK REALLY
FINE
here’s Helen
have fun with your stupid war
I’ll be back later to save your ass
but bye for now
and gullible Paris sails homeward
and that’s where we leave Homer’s version

MEANWHILE IN EGYPT
Pharoah Seti is chilling out in the royal city of Memphis
probably sitting on gold
in a gold palace
eating some gold covered food
thinking hmmm what new thing will I tax today
because let me tell you
Egypt is fucking full of gold
and do you know why
TAXES IS WHY
they tax the shit out of everything
gold gold everywhere gold
from beautiful delicious taxes

and one day a foreign ship sails up the Nile
and docks by the Shrine of Hershef
which is like home base when you play tag
except in Egypt LIFE IS TAG
are you a slave?
get your freedom at the shrine
pursued by enemies?
chill at the shrine and you’ll be protected
not really clear how Egyptian society continues to function
when this shrine is around
wouldn’t you be going there all the damn time
but knowing Egypt there is probably a tax on shrine visits
or freedom
or something

anyway the ship sails up
and the entire crew just falls the fuck over themselves fleeing into the shrine
all THIS SHIP SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the whole thing looks suspiciously like a taxable situation to Pharaoh Seti
so he commands they come to his palace and explain
because for some reason
escaping a hellish life of servitude aboard a Trojan warship
is not considered a solid excuse

so the sailors start kissing some ass pretty quick
bitching and moaning about how they don’t want to work anymore
because their captain is the ultimate bad houseguest
and while he was visiting another kingdom
he abducted the king’s wife and a bunch of treasure
but mainly he stole the chick because he wanted to be king
and they are just too moral to work for such an asshole
it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with being warship slaves
nope
and then Poseidon blew them off course on the way home
allll the way to Egypt

and then the ship’s captain is like listen
IT’S ME
PARIS
ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU SOME SHITTY LIES
he says nooooo pharaoh they’ve got it all wrong
my sailors are a bunch of tattletale babies
it’s all cool
I won Helen’s hand fairly and legally
and my delicious boatload of treasure
is also totally legit mine
and Troy and Sparta are totally bros
at peace forever and ever yay

and the sailors are like LIAR
everyone knows Helen
because she is supernaturally hot
she is a daughter of Zeus
hey Pharaoh did you know
Zeus is like your god Amon Re

and the royal court of Egyptians is like yes yes we see
we too know of Helen

this is an inspired moment
of cross-cultural ass-licking
let me tell you

and Seti is like yes yes
Paris do go on with more lies

and Paris is like well
okay yes maybe I took Helen
but she basically begged me to abduct her

but Seti is like I’m just fucking with you Paris
you are a pretty shitty liar
you’ve already told me two conflicting stories
clearly your gods hate you
and also your sailors were pretty smart
mentioning the whole shitty houseguest thing
because this is a big fucking deal here in Egypt
everyone knows only hosts get to steal from guests
except we call it taxes
why don’t you chill in my guesthouse for a bit
NO FAIR STEALING ANY TREASURE IN THERE
while I go check out Helen’s side of the story
and inspect your boat for tasty gold
also ps tell your sailors now they have to worship Hershef for life
haha home base in Egypt is not all it’s cracked up to be

so the pharaoh visits Helen
who is chilling in another shrine
the shrine of Hathor
and Helen tells her sob story
about how Paris tricked her into leaving Menelaus
and she begs the pharaoh to protect her
weeping and moaning
the whole bit
except this being Helen
she manages to weep so epically
that the ruby in her necklace
weeps tears of blood in sympathy with her divine hotness
it’s not clear whether Seti agrees to protect her
because of the hotness and the weeping gemstones
or because he knows he is going to get a boatload of gold out of this
literally
a boatload
but he agrees
Helen can stay
Paris must go
minus his gold

but Seti is not content to just kick Paris out of Egypt
he has a plan
and that plan is PRAYING
so Seti tells the high priestess of the temple of Hathor
to start praying
and BAM here comes Thoth,
personal messenger of Amon-Re

Thoth is all hey guys what’s up
it’s me Hermes
I mean Thoth
I mean same deal right
Helen your dad Zeus says hi
okay so listen up
I can help you with this bullshit
Zeus or Amon-Ra or whatever told me
to take Helen’s ka and make an eidolon
and everyone is like durrrrr what now
and Thoth is like ugh okay listen
I was kind of drunk when he told me to do this
but it totally makes sense
I’m going to take her spirit
and make a fake Helen out of clouds
and then everyone is like OHHHHH
and this ruse apparently fools Paris
because he leaves Egypt with hot fake Helen
though of course Seti takes all his gold first
death and taxes, Paris
death and taxes

and then
because it’s not enough to be so hot you are capable of making stones weep
EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT HELEN
for like twenty years
she just chills in the temple
worshipping Hathor I guess
and meanwhile Seti dies
and there are all sorts of succession issues
and twenty years later his young grandson Rameses is about to take the throne
and he knows allllll about the hotness hiding in Hathor town
and he’s like damn
who cares about gold
I am going to get me some Helen
FUCK SETI’S OATH
even though she has got to be like 40 by now
she’s just that hot apparently
Helen: original MILF?

so Rameses is like I am going to be Pharaoh soon
who will dare to stop me
and his mother the queen regent Hasert is like uh actually
how about the gods
the gods might stop you
remember how they intervened to bring her here?
or how about her husband
you know
the one who fought multiple wars in her honor?

and Rameses is all shit
I don’t want to fight a fucking war over this
I just want to bone grandma priestess Helen in peace
so he decides to hold onto his boner until his priests
can figure out whether it is the will of the gods
for him to wed Helen or not

and meanwhile who shows up at Helen’s temple
but a mysterious strange sailor
oho who could this be
IT’S MENELAUS BITCHES
because apparently Hermes finally slept off his epic hangover
and was all holy shit
I forgot about how I went to Egypt
dressed up as Thoth
and hid that mortal chick somewhere that one time
what the fuck was I thinking
also
that was
TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO
MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER HUSBAND
so he visits Menelaus and is all
hey Menelaus
hot tip
maybe you should check out the Temple of Hathor in Memphis
no reason
tell them Hermes I mean Thoth sent you

so Menelaus is in Egypt
somehow too dumb to realize
he’s talking to his own wife
telling her how he went to war and rescued his wife
until she disappeared one day
and Helen goes THAT WAS MY EIDOLON
COULDN’T YOU TELL BY ALL THE CLOUDS IN MY VAGINA
so finally Menelaus and Helen
are all happy weeping and reuniting and shit in the temple
and Menelaus doesn’t even stop to ask
where the fuck all his gold went
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE LOVE
but meanwhile
how the fuck are they going to escape Rameses?

Helen has a plan
she goes to Rameses all oh guess what
I guess we can get freaky now
because this mysterious sailor who showed up
has just told me that Menelaus my husband is dead
and Rameses is like sweet
let’s do this
and by this I mean
the sex
but several decades of being hottest chick in the ancient world
has given Helen some insight into how easy it is
to hoodwink dudes with boners
so she’s like okay
according to my fake new religion
you are required to give me a ship full of food
and oxen and wine and provisions
so I can sail out into the harbor to bury my husband

AND RAMESES FALLS FOR IT
and Helen and Menelaus sail off
and Rameses is pretty pissed
and just as he’s is about to kill the queen regent Hastert
in an angry rage for making him hesitate to fuck Helen in the first place
Thoth/Hermes shows up
almost late to the party as usual
and he’s like RAMESES CHILL THE FUCK OUT
AMON-RA HAS DECREED THIS IS HOW THE STORY ENDS
because apparently in Egypt
the gods occasionally believe in justice and love
and also in abrupt endings

the moral of the story is
listen to your mom
she is probably right about stuff
and gold
is a way better investment than hot chicks

the end.

Jesse doesn’t have a website because she’s too cool for the internet.

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7 thoughts on “Helen Went To Egypt and it Sucked

  1. This is almost exactly how my classics professor explained the whole Helen in Egypt thing. Only he said MILF a bunch more times.

  2. I have to agree with that moral, first of all because gold is significantly lower maintenance than most hot chicks, and second of all because if you’re able to either fake sincerity or really be a huge jerk and you have enough gold you seem to be able to get hot chicks for free.

  3. Yay, a cross-pantheon myth! :-D Those are pretty rare. (For some reason, the people of ancient times seemed to prefer telling and hearing stories exclusively involving their own culture’s gods and heroes…)

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