Hi’iaka’s Quest Just Barely Passes The Bechdel Test

Phew, Silmarillion’s over
gonna take a break and tell some short myths
while I work my way through Moby Dick.
In the meantime, today’s myth is from a very special mythos
requested by majority vote from my Patreon patrons.
(GIVE ME MONEY GIVE ME MONEY)
The mythos of the month is …
*drumroll drumroll drumroll*
HAWAIIAN

I’ve only done one hawaiian myth before
and it was unbelievably badass

but there are other Hawaiian heroes besides Maui
and some of them are even FEMALES
so let’s hear about one of those.

Okay so there’s this chick named Hi’iaka
She has a sister named Pele
who is basically the goddess of lava
and Pele has just finished digging a big hole for her whole family to live in
because I guess housing prices are too high.
Digging a family-sized hole and putting your family inside it is hard work
so immediately after doing it
Pele falls asleep HARDCORE
she falls asleep so hard that her soul ACTUALLY LEAVES HER BODY
AND FLIES TO ANOTHER ISLAND
AND FORMS ANOTHER BODY
AND GETS FUCKING LAID.

Yeah, Pele’s spirit shows up at this wicked luau on Kauai
and since she is basically the goddess of lava
you can bet that the body she forms is suffused with really unhealthy amounts of hotness
so she sidles up to the king of town
whose name is Lohiau
and she’s like “hey baby
wanna get married?”
and he’s like “oh god yes”
so they do that, like immediately
and they also do a lot of other things
but then Pele’s alarm clock goes off and she wakes up
and her hot ghost disappears from Kauai
leaving Lohiau all alone.

So Pele is like UGH WHAT THE FUCK
I WAS HAVING A REALLY GOOD DREAM WHERE I WAS SNOGGING THE KING OF KAUAI
I need someone to go all the way to his village
and tell him to come back here so we can bang some more.
It will be incredibly dangerous and I am offering like no payment
who’s in?”
and Hi’iaka is like “God dammit, sis
you know I gotta do it cause you’re my family
but I am seriously so tired of being your supernatural wingman
supernatural titcaptain*, sorry.”
And Pele is like “GREAT
YOU CAN START TOMORROW
YOU HAVE EXACTLY FORTY DAYS AND YOU CAN’T TWIDDLE HIS WANG AT ALL
IN FACT, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE
GOOD LUCK”
and Hi’iaka is like “what?
ugh.
why do chicks always have to be virgins to do anything cool?
whatever, fine, I’ll abstain
but you gotta give me god powers.”
and Pele is like “Wait, you’re my sister
don’t you already have those?”
and Hi’iaka is like “You would think so, huh?”

but whatever, Pele gives Hi’iaka god powers
and Hi’aka gathers a bunch of her ladybros
with all different skills and backgrounds
and they proceed to trek across the entire Hawaiian island chain
beating up sharks and dealing with street harassment
except instead of the street it’s usually on rivers
and the dudes are in boats
so … boat harassment?
fishcalling?
watersports?
unbridled douchebaggery?
whatever it is, Hi’iaka is having none of it.
At one point she and her crew have to cross a river
but they don’t want to get their clothes wet
so they take them off and hold them above their heads to cross the river
which is pretty impressive and hot
but this ghost god called Hinahina-ku-i-ka-pali starts being a total prude
like “NUDE WOMEN IN WATER?
UNACCEPTABLE.”
so Hi’iaka tells him to get bent
and they do it anyway.
boom
problem solved.

Hi’iaka and crew have a ton of adventures
but I don’t really feel like listing all of them here
(although maybe I will recount individual adventures at a later time)
they basically all boil down to one thing
which is that Hi’iaka is the baddest bitch and you should respect her
the important thing is that when she arrives at Kauai
after deliberately choosing all the most difficult routes
it turns out Lohiau is dead.
He died because his hot wife disappeared and he was sad.
But Hi’iaka is like “Whatever, it’s fine
I’ll just grab his soul and stuff it back in his body
oh, what, two chicks stole his body and hid it in a cave?
I’ll just kill them and take it back, nbd.”
So she does all that, and Lohiau comes back to life
and she’s like “Come with me if you want to get laid.”
He does not need very much convincing.

Here’s the problem, though:
because Hi’iaka has chosen all of the most difficult routes this whole time
the 40 day time limit has long since expired
so when she gets back home
after flipping off more magic sharks
and not touching Lohiau’s weiner even a LITTLE BIT
Pele is like “YOU’RE LATE
FUCK YOU
I BET YOU BANGED MY HUSBAND YOU PIRATE SKANK”
so Hi’iaka is like “Okay first of all
pirates are awesome so you can’t use that word to insult me
second of all I didn’t even put my tongue on this guy
let alone bang him.”
and Pele is like “LIES!”
so Hi’iaka is like “You know what?
Fine.”
And then she fucks Lohiau right in front of her shitty sister
making fierce eye contact with her THE ENTIRE TIME.
So Pele is like “OOOOOOOOOOOH THAT DOES IT
GODS!
SET THESE PEOPLE ON FIRE”
but the gods are like “No, Pele
you are being unreasonable.”
and Pele is like “FINE
I’LL SET THEM ON FIRE MYSELF
I’M THE GODDESS OF LAVA
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU.”
So she sets them on fire
but she forgot that she made Hi’iaka immortal earlier
so only Lohiau gets killed.
This dude is seriously having the worst week.

You know what, though?
Hi’iaka don’t care
she grabs a shovel
and starts literally digging her way into the underworld
going through layer after layer to get to Lohiau’s soul.
On the fourth layer she runs into the ladies she killed to get his body
and she’s like “Fuck it, you guys are alive again, have fun.”
And she makes it all the way to level ten
when one of her friends is like “This is probably a bad thing to be doing.”
so she stops
and it turns out Lohiau’s soul wasn’t there anyway
so she just grabs it out of the air and stuffs it back in his charred body
and they presumably have really weird and painful sex forever.

So the moral of the story
is you should never rely on your little sister to get you laid.

The end.

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