If Your Last Name is Lambton, I Pity You

Okay!
So!
There’s this dude named Lambton
he comes from a long line of dudes who are named that
and some of those dudes were/are pretty rich
but this particular Lambton is just a regular dude, mostly
he likes to go fishing and yell obscenities
two fitting and proper things for a young man to do
and one day he is doing both of these things simultaneously
when he gets a nibble on his line
and reels in
A REALLY FUCKED-UP LOOKING WORM
so he’s like “ew, gross” and throws it in a well
and then a mysterious stranger comes along like “oh no
it looks like that worm in that well has nine mouths!”
and Lambton is like “Eh, whatever.”

FLASH FORWARD SEVERAL YEARS
Lambton has grown to regret his days of fishin’ and swearin’
and has joined the crusades to make up for his grievous crimes
by killing a bunch of dudes in a foreign country
which means he is miles away from his home town
when the worm he caught suddenly becomes FUCKING MASSIVE
seeing as there are no predators to worry about in the well
and it starts terrorizing the countryside
eating houses and sucking on cow tits
and the only way anyone is able to keep the worm happy
is by offering up a whole assload of milk every day
and if they don’t
it throws a tantrum
and i don’t know if you’ve ever seen the kind of tantrum a worm with 9 mouths can throw
but I know for sure that I haven’t
and also that I do not want to.

So finally Lambton gets back from the crusades
only to find that his hometown has become an UNHOLY CTHONIAN NIGHTMARE VILLAGE
and he’s like “well, I just spent several years swording people
it shouldn’t be too big of a jump for me to start swording worms
but still, I better ask some bullshit oracles for advice.”
So he goes and hits up an oracle
and the oracle is like “okay yo check it
you will totally kill the worm
but then you have to immediately sacrifice the very first living thing you see
or else the next nine generations of dudes in your family will NEVER DIE IN THEIR BEDS”

okay
freeze frame
that does not sound like a bad thing to me
if I was assured that I would never die in my bed
I would just spend 100% of my time
sleeping and getting laid
FOR ALL ETERNITY
I mean if the curse was something like
“the next nine generations of your family will never die EXCEPT BY PROLONGED RECTAL CANCER”
that would seem like a bad thing to me
I mean that’s a curse you can really get behind, so to speak
ha HA!
ANYWAY

so Lambton hears this curse
and he comes up with a pretty solid plan for avoiding it
see, he goes to his dad
and he’s like “When I kill the worm, I will blow my hunting horn 3 times
and then you gotta release my favorite hunting dog
and she will come running over to me
and then I will kill her
it will be pretty sad
but it is better than suddenly running into a hot chick
and having to stab her or be cursed
I hate when that happens.”
and armed with this solid plan
and also a sword
and a suit of armor made entirely out of spears
Lambton heads over to the worm’s crib

So the worm is all up on Lambton before you can say “oh god there’s a worm all over my body”
but Lambton is giving no fucks
because his spear armor is carving that bitch UP
but the worm is managing to give even LESS fucks
because every time a spearpoint chops it in half, it just puts itself back together
my friends
this worm is giving less fucks
than there are chunks of its mutilated body writhing around
but Lambton just keeps on truckin
and finally he manages to chop that worm in half so hard
that it is forced to give at least a few fucks
and those fucks
ARE ITS LAST

So Lambton is pretty jazzed
and he blows his horn to have his dad release the hound
but when his dad hears the horn
he is SO EXCITED TO HEAR THAT HIS SON IS ALIVE
that he completely forgets everything that they have arranged
and just comes running into the clearing himself
and then Lambton is like “fuck
so either I can kill my dad
or curse my family for nine generations?
great job, DAD”
then he calls his dog and kills that
basically for no reason other than to relieve the stress
generated by the fact that now his family is super cursed
hooray!

So the moral of the story
is that there is at least one scenario
where it would probably be okay
to stab your dad.

The end.

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3 thoughts on “If Your Last Name is Lambton, I Pity You

  1. “Unholy Cthonian Nightmare Village” would be a great name for a band. Their fans would just refer to them as UCNV, and people that the University of California had a campus somewhere in Nevada and post things on Facebook that they think are clever about how this doesn’t make sense.

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