Joseph Smith is like John Smith but with a slightly less generic name

Hey guys I’m back
I just saw a really popular musical
see if you can guess which one

Okay so it’s 600 BC
there’s some jews hanging out in jerusalem
cause where else are they gonna hang out, right?
oh wait
how about AMERICA?
yeah see cause this prophet Lehi has a vision
where god is like DUDES
I MADE THIS GREAT PLACE CALLED AMERICA
IT’S JUST SITTING OVER THERE BETWEEN THE PACIFIC AND THE ATLANTIC
SERIOUSLY GUYS WHY ARE YOU NOT THERE YET
IT IS BUMMING ME OUT
I MEAN I MADE IT A LONG-ASS TIME AGO
AND IT’S JUST LANGUISHING OUT THERE
WOEFULLY UN-JEWED

so Lehi gets onto a boat with some bros and heads for america
because everyone has always known
that america is the place to be

but when they get to america, they notice a problem
it is the same problem that european colonists will notice
when they show up about 2 thousand years later
it is this:
America has abundant food and water
the deers and the antelopes are cavorting like hell
amber waves of grain all up ins
they’ve even got purple mountains
and where the fuck do you even find those, outside an acid trip?
AMERICA, THAT’S WHERE
but there is one thing that America seems to lack:
BRUTAL WARS
so the colonists are like shit
we better get on this

so they waste no time
they split up into two rival factions
the Nephites and the Lamanites
I think the Nephites are the good guys but I am too lazy to check
it seems to me like they’re all pretty sucky though
cause how are you gonna try and fight a war
after you already traveled like a million thousand miles together
that’s like if I wanted to punch you in the face
and i was like hey man
let’s fly to Singapore
and then when we got off the plane in singapore
I punched you in the fucking face
…okay you know what that would actually be hilarious

anyway they fight and fight
dudes die, it’s awesome
but this whole time the Nephites have been writing this shit down
in a book with golden pages
i dunno how they found the time to get all that gold
seems like they’re pretty busy fighting
but anyway they’re writing and fighting
fighting and writing
in a language that no one else in the history of anything has ever heard of
called “reformed Egyptian”
which
from what I can tell
is made up mostly of sideways boobs, exclamation points, and different versions of the letter T

but then all of a sudden
JESUS APPEARS
cause he just got killed
and he is taking a vacation in america
when he sees all these dudes fighting and he is like WHOAH
WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH
NO FIGHTING
and then he has to explain everything to them that he already explained to the other jews
just to get them up to date
and I guess maybe he makes up some other stuff about how you should have a ton of wives
and some other stuff he forgot to say the first time

but all good things must come to an end
Jesus goes to heaven
and everybody else dies
but not before making sure to bury their golden book under a hill in upstate new york
you know, for posterity

CUT TO 1832
some dude named Joe Smith is hanging out in his house in upstate new york
when all of a sudden God is like JOE
JOE!!!
THERE’S SOME GOLD PLATES IN THAT HILL OVER THERE
I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO GO DIG THEM UP SUDDENLY
GOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOOOOOE

so joe goes over to the hill and this angel appears like WHAT UP
I AM THE ANGEL MORONI
(Moroni is one of the guys who wrote the book with the gold plates
and also the last name of an italian mob boss played by Carl Weintraub on days of our lives
The Face of An Angel
COINCIDENCE?)
so Joe is pretty impressed
but then the Angel is like LISTEN UP KID
I GOT THESE PLATES FOR YOUSE
BUT YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ JACK SHIT TIL YOU SPEND FOUR YEARS COMING BACK HERE AND TAKING CLASSES WITH ME
CAPICE?
and that is exactly what happens

so Joseph finally digs up these golden plates
but like I said they’re in “Reformed Egyptian”
so it’s not like he can read it, right?
WRONG
clearly you have not heard of SEER STONES, my friends

here is how seer stones work:
step 1: take a rock
step 2: put the rock in a hat
step 3: put your face in the hat
step 4: TRANSLATION COMPLETE

I am not exaggerating
for several months Joseph Smith sits in his room
with his face inside a white stovepipe hat
shouting words at his scribe/investor Michael Harris
yes of course Joseph Smith needs investors
not like he could just sell pages from that golden book he found
that would be SACRILEGE

so this goes on for a couple months
with only one false start
which only happens because Michael Harris’s wife
(A confirmed FEMALE)
becomes suspicious of the fact that no one except Joe has seen the gold book
which he apparently doesn’t need to have in the house with him in order to translate
and which is written in a fake language
and is made out of gold and claims that ancient jews built boats and sailed to America
and so she has the audacity to ask to see the translation
and finally does
and then STEALS it
which makes Joe SO MAD
that he decides not to re-translate the part that she stole
and instead write a whole other part in 2 months
and then he has to get his buddy Harris to take out some more loans to get the book printed
but that doesn’t go so well
and Harris loses his house and his wife
which is okay because his wife pretty much sucked anyway

ANYWAY
people are somewhat reluctant to believe in a book
that was written by staring into a hat full of rocks for two months
but a lot of people are willing to make an exception
because it’s the true word of god/they are really bored
at which point the angel Moroni shows up in front of Joe again and is like YO KIDDO
I SEE YOU GOT A NICE THING GOING IN NEW YORK AND ALL
BUT THE TROUBLE WITH NEW YORK IS
IT IS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH LIKE ANCIENT JERUSALEM
BY WHICH I MEAN
DRY AS A BULLFROG’S COOTER AND WAYYY UNPOPULATED
ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU TO SALT LAKE CITY
except he’s way more cagey than that
and actually joseph dies on the way
and his buddy Bringham Young
who has a name like an evangelical pedophile
has to take over and lead them through the desert until everyone gets sick of wandering around
and is just like fuck it
this is where we live now
let’s wear white button down shirts and part our hair on the side
AND THAT’S WHERE MORMONS COME FROM

so the moral of the story is
give a man a fish
and he’ll eat for a day
give a man a hat full of rocks
and he’ll move to a place where there are no fish

THE END

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8 thoughts on “Joseph Smith is like John Smith but with a slightly less generic name

    • Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right. It’s for a four-year-old, apparently. I also see a computer mouse and a lot of really fancy H’s.

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