Jumping Mouse Has Crazy Healing Powers

So mice

we have them in my apartment
also my house
they eat things and it sucks
but imagine how much worse it would be if they could do this:

so one day this mouse gets fed up hearing all these fairy tales
about crazy mystical far off lands
and he’s like FUCK STORIES
I’m going to go to those far off lands MYSELF
so this mouse just picks a direction and starts walking

but almost immediately problems start happening
because like ten feet from the mouse’s house is a river
and mice suck at rivers
so he’s sitting there trying to figure out what to do
when a frog jumps out of the river like WHAT’S UP MOUUUUUSE
and the mouse is like uh
how do I cross this river?
and the frog is like oh, that’s easy
just swim
and the mouse is like oh … ok
and the frog is like why do you wanna cross the river anyway?
and the mouse is like well I am just trying to get to the magical fairytale kingdom
and the frog is like well that sounds reasonable
here:
let me give you
SUPERPOWERS
I HEREBY NAME YOU
JUMPING MOUSE
and ho-lee shit
this mouse suddenly has incredible frog jumps
superman leaps
man these are some hops you could brew beer with is what I am saying
and the mouse is like THANKS MAGIC FROG
and the frog is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
ANYWAY GOOD LUCK

so jumping mouse is jumping along
and he runs up on a buffalo that is passed out in the grass
and he’s like hey buffalo
what the fuck is wrong with you
and the buffalo is like dude
I totally went blind from drinking too much
and now I am so screwed
aaaaaaa
and jumping mouse is like dude it’s okay
don’t you know that I have BASICALLY NECROMANCY POWERS?
HERE
HAVE MY EYES
and he straight gives his eyes to the buffalo
and the buffalo is like HOLY SHIT THIS WORKS SOMEHOW
SORRY YOU’RE BLIND NOW LITTLE DUDE
LET ME GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE MOUNTAINS
I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM EAGLES
WHICH ARE THE GREATEST DANGER TO TRAVELING MICE
NOT THAT THERE ARE REALLY A LOT OF TRAVELING MICE
BUT WHATEVER DUDE
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE
so that is what the buffalo does
but then it turns out buffalos are useless and can’t climb mountains
so jumping mouse is left to crawl blindly up the rest of the way
and halfway up he just runs STRAIGHT INTO A WOLF
and instead of eating him
like a REAL WOLF
the wolf is like BOO HOO HOO I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL
and jumping mouse is like oh no problem dude
HAVE MINE
and the wolf is so grateful
that he CONTINUES TO FAIL TO EAT JUMPING MOUSE
and in fact gives him a ride to the bottom of the mountain
protecting him from terrifying eagles the entire way
not that jumping mouse can even really tell at this point
because he is BLIND AND CANNOT SMELL

so he’s down in the valley
which turns out to be the magic fairy kingdom lands
and suddenly he hears this creepy voice up in his ear
like congratulations jumping mouse
it is i
magic frog
apparently I knew a faster way to get here the whole time
but enough about me
it is time for you to JUMP JUMP JUMP
and jumping mouse is like seriously dude?
I am kind of mourning the loss of about half my senses
and the frog is like YOU ARE FORGETTING ABOUT THE SIXTH SENSE:
JUMPING
and so jumping mouse starts jumping
and then all of a sudden his arms turn into wings
and his sight comes back
and also his smell
and he is just soaring all the fuck over everywhere
and the frog is like CONGRATULATIONS JUMPING MOUSE
IN RETURN FOR YOUR GENEROSITY
YOU GET TO BE AN EAGLE
and Jumping Mouse is like whoa
i should probably get a different name huh?

So the moral of the story
is give away all your organs
and you can BECOME YOUR GREATEST ENEMY

The end

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5 thoughts on “Jumping Mouse Has Crazy Healing Powers

  1. I should think the moral would be, "Don't waste your precious organs giving them to drunk-ass buffalo, because they will fucking leave you stranded as soon as shit gets real."

  2. dude. that was seriously the funniest thing i’ve read and i swear to god i died like five times reading it out of pure excess of laughter. thank you.

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