Kullervo Dies Finally

So Kullervo just banged his sister so hard she killed herself
and now he’s looking for a distraction
because that’s not the kind of thing you want to dwell on
so he’s like “I KNOW
I’LL KILL UNTAMO

THE DUDE WHO CHASED OFF MY PARENTS
AND THEN TRIED TO RAISE ME
UNTIL I KILLED LIKE EVERYONE IN HIS HOUSE.”
and his mom is like “No dude, don’t do it.”
and Kullervo’s like “I GOTTA”
and his mom is like “why?”
and he’s like “BECAUSE OF REASONS.”

So he goes to all his surviving family members one by one
and asks them if they’ll miss him while he’s gone
and his dad is like “No, fuck you
you destroyed my boat and my nets and fucked my daughter to death
you are basically the worst.”
and his brother is like “Yeah no, seriously fuck you”
and his surviving sister is like “Yeah, please leave
before you accidentally have sex with me in a sled you creeper.”
and Kullervo is like “FINE
I DON’T NEED YOU GUYS ANYWAY
I’LL MAKE MY OWN FAMILY
OUT OF SNOW AND BRANCHES AND BERRIES AND SHIT
I’M A WIZARD
BUILDING A FAMILY IS TRIVIAL.”

Then he goes to his mom and he’s like “Hey will you miss me?”
and she’s like “WHAT?
OF COURSE!
I LOVE YOU, SON
DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE EXCLUSIVELY DONE TERRIBLE THINGS
FOR YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE
I AM SOMEHOW DOOMED TO NOT WANT YOU DEAD
IT IS A SPECIAL, LONELY HELL FOR ME.”
And Kullervo is like “Awesome, thanks mom.”
Then he leaves.

So he’s riding over to Untamo’s place
and a messenger catches up with him, like “Hey, your dad’s dead.
You should prolly go home and bury him.”
and Kullervo is like “HAHA SUCKER.
Nah I’d love to but I really have to go murder this other guy.”
and then another messenger comes and is like “Your brother is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “LOL”
and then another messenger comes and is like “Your sister is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “THAT’S WHAT SHE GETS FOR NOT HAVING SEX WITH ME
AM I RIGHT?
HIGH FIVE.”
But that messenger just leaves him hanging
and then ANOTHER messenger comes
and is like “Dude, your mom is dead.”
and Kullervo is like “Oh shit, SERIOUSLY?
You mean, the one person in the entire goddamn world
who doesn’t think I’m an asshole
is now DEAD?!”
and the messenger is like “Well if it’s any consolation
she also thought you were an asshole
she was just forced to love you because motherhood.”
and Kullervo is like “BALLS.”

But he still REALLY wants to kill Untamo
so he prays to Ukko for a sweet sword
and Ukko is like “sure dude,
have a sword.”
And then Kullervo shows up at Untamo’s place
kills everyone
burns down all their houses
and leaves.
I’ve just spent more lines describing that battle than the original does.
It’s really not a big deal, apparently.

After all that murder, Kullervo’s like “Welp, better go home.”
So he goes home
and BIG SURPRISE
his house is emptier than the bowels of a die-hard laxative addict.
Seriously I have no idea why he even went home
those messengers straight up told him his whole family was dead
what, does he not trust those messengers?
I mean … I guess messengers have fucked up before.
Probably a smart move on Kullervo’s part, to be honest.

But if it is, it’s the only smart move Kullervo makes
because then he wanders off into the forest
with the magic sword Ukko gave him
and he’s like “Hey magic sword
you can talk, right?”
and the sword is like “Yeah, duh.
I’m a magic sword.”
and Kullervo is like “Cool, cool.
Would you mind stabbing me in the heart and drinking all my blood?
I’m just not feeling great right now and I think that would help.”
and the sword is like “Well, suicide is never really a solution to anything
but you did just make me kill like a thousand innocent people
so I’m okay with it.”
and Kullervo is like “Okay, rad.”
then he stabs himself and dies.

So, the moral of the original story
is actually good enough
that I’m going to reproduce it here:
don’t raise your children badly
(I mean, that’s a given)
but also
don’t give them out to strangers
especially if they’re wizards.
Seriously, who just goes around passing out wizard babies?
A wizard baby, properly husbanded
can be the jewel of any farm
but handled poorly
they just become big screaming piles of poop and incest
sort of like a Tamagotchi
OF MURDER.

THE END.

RedditStumbleUponShare

3 thoughts on “Kullervo Dies Finally

  1. Thanks for doing this one. I really enjoyed it. I’ve been thinking about reading the original for years and it was nice to finally learn what it was about in the funniest way possible.

    Also, I have a question. Does your hatred of birds include a hatred of eating them?

      • Dude, your metalness is way beyond any dispute. You rock those myths like the Gahe and Cabrakan took their lessons from you.

        I will henceforth base my assessments of how metal or un-metal something or someone is on their aptitude to avoid such huge fundamental mistakes like not eating the flesh of their enemies.
        Or something appropriately equivalent.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>