Masturbation, with BONUS HISTORY LESSON

Back to some Greek shit

Alright so Pan, right?
he’s the dude with the flute
always getting shitfaced and starting musical duels he CANNOT WIN
basically there’s this story
about how one time his dad Hermes
was like HEY SON
THERE’S THIS BRAND NEW DANCE MOVE CALLED MASTURBATION
HERE IS HOW TO DO IT
and Pan is like oh shit this is SWEET
I’m gonna teach this to some SHEPHERDS
and that is where we get masturbation

but guys
the real story here is not this story
but the story
of the dude
who used to TELL this story
his name is Diogenes
and he is the ultimate hobo

so this guy
he gets born in this place Sinope
his dad is a super important bank dude
and Diogenes uses this fact
to DEFACE ALL OF THE MONEY IN SINOPE
WITH A CHISEL
why?
because he hits up the oracle at delphi one time
and the oracle is like
DEFACE THE CURRENCY
and Diogenes is just like welp ok
but then he gets exiled
so he realizes maybe the oracle gave him TERRIBLE ADVICE AS USUAL
but no
he decides instead that it is his fault for misinterpreting
some REALLY OBVIOUS BAD ADVICE
and decides to deface the “political currency” of Greece

what the fuck does that mean?
well apparently
it means live in a bathtub
in the market square
bathe in the fountain
and jack off all over the fresh vegetables
sometimes people are all like BUT DIOGENES
IT’S WRONG TO MASTURBATE IN THE MARKET SQUARE
but Diogenes is just like I WISH I COULD SOLVE HUNGER
BY JACKING OFF MY STOMACH

one day Plato is walking around being a tool
like Plato tends to do
and he is like guess what
Socrates once defined man
as a featherless biped
pretty cool huh?
at which point Diogenes comes running into the room
with a plucked chicken
like LOOK PLATO I FOUND YOU A MAN
DON’T YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE
and Plato does kind of feel like an asshole
in fact he amends the defenition of a human
to include flat toenails
thus solving the problem forever

so one thing leads to another
and Diogenes finds himself on a boat
that gets jacked by pirates
and he gets sold as a slave to this dude Xeniades
and Xeniades is like hey slave what are you good at
and Diogenes is like all I can do is rule over people
also masturbate in public
sell me to someone who needs to be dominated
and Xeniades is like TUTOR MY KIDS

so that’s what Diogenes does for basically the rest of his life
except at one point
when Alexander the Great shows up while he is napping
and is like hey dude
big fan
anything I can do for you?
and Diogenes is like yeah
get the fuck out of my sunlight
and Alexander the Great is like shit
i kind of wish I was this guy
and conspicuously fails to murder him in any way
and Diogenes lives happily ever after
still occasionally living in a bathtub
even though he has a fucking house and everything

so the moral of the story is
success comes in many forms
be it a career in finance
or a career in public masturbation and insulting people
the choice is yours

The End.

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2 thoughts on “Masturbation, with BONUS HISTORY LESSON

  1. This had no comments. I felt like it needed one.

    Oh yeah, and “conspicuously fails to murder him in any way” made me laugh.

  2. You missed the best bit about his encounter with Alexander: alexander is all like “If I were not Alexander, I should wish to be diogenes.”, and Diogenes, smarmy fuck that he is, is all like “If I were not Diogenes, I, too would wish to be Diogenes.”

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