Mudtits

So there’s this cat Cheng Wei

he’s some kind of chinese nobleman or whatever
who gives a shit
this story isn’t really about him
it’s more about
what an asshole he is
and also about his wife
whose name i have no way of knowing

anyway one day Cheng Wei is being a puss nexus
like WAAAAAH
WAAAAH
I’VE GOT A BIG OL MEETING IN AN HOUR
WITH LIKE THE EMPEROR OR SOMETHING
AND I ORDERED A SILK ROBE
AND IT IS NOT READY YET
WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO

and his wife is like chill dude
and she waves her hands
and two bolts of silk appear on the table
and then she waves her hands
and the silk becomes a really sweet robe
way to take all the skill out of robemaking by the way
but so then she gives the robe to Chen Wei
like BAM
THE DAY IS SAVED
THANKS TO MY WEIRD FASHION MAGIC
and her husband is like thanks
but also i am secretly jealous
of your weird fashion magic

so both Chen Wei and his wife
have a hobby
this hobby
is called ALCHEMY
so while some people like to spend their evenings
having sex and smoking opium
these two spend their evenings
not having sex and turning mercury into gold
or at least trying
see Cheng Wei sucks at alchemy
he could not even transmute bacon
into slighly less bacon
he is just really shitty at this

but then one night
after a long evening of solitary failure
cheng wei walks past his wife’s laboratory
yeah
she totally has a laboratory
and he looks in and sees something glinty in her hands
and he busts in like BITCH
DID YOU MAKE GOLD AND NOT TELL ME
and his wife is like yeah what of it
and Chen Wei is like WELL
WE COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING TWICE AS MUCH GOLD
DO YOU HEAR ME
DOUBLEGOLD
and his wife is like sure ok
but you aren’t destined to learn alchemy
so fuck that
go away

so then Cheng Wei goes away
but he’s SUPER PISSED about it
and he starts trying to like
bribe his wife into telling him the secret
using gold and jewels
and his wife is like psh
i can MAKE gold and jewels
out of PISS and CARDBOARD
fuck off
so then Cheng Wei gets DOUBLE PISSED
and he hits up his friend
like hey
why dont you go beat up my wife for alchemy secrets
if you get me some secrets
i will make you rich i promise

so Cheng Wei’s friend
we’ll call him Cheng Asshole
comes up with a plan
that involves poisoning Cheng Wei’s wife
and then withholding the antidote
but she figures out that this is what is going on
and she goes to her husband like
hey Cheng Wei
hey
certain people just aren’t destined
to receive the tao
okay?
maybe i’ll meet a guy on the street tomorrow
and decide to teach him alchemy
because of destiny
maybe i will never tell anyone
and Cheng Asshole will poison me and i will vomit my uterus
either way
quit being a dick

then she goes to her room
gets naked
smears mud all over her body
and goes streaking out of town
like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH
TOTALLY CRAZY NOW GUYS
and her husband tries to chase her
but she has crazy legs
and so can’t be stopped

later all the townspeople
see a crazy woman go shooting up towards heaven
to live with the immortals
and meanwhile Cheng Wei
spends the rest of his life
trying to make the pill of immortality
and turn mercury into gold
and fails at both things
and is bitter and sad forever

moral of the story?
never marry someone smarter than you
they will just end up smearing their naked body with mud
and ascending to heaven

The End

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