No One Agrees Who The Hell Pan Gu Is

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT
TODAY IS BONUS DAY
it is bonus day because I give too little of a shit to pick one myth
and so instead I am going to tell you TWO CONFLICTING MYTHS ABOUT THE SAME DUDE
they are about personal hygiene and genetic modification respectively

okay so Pan Gu right?
apparently back in the day he was a dude living inside an egg
where was the egg, you ask?
probably in china
because that is where this myth is from
BZZ
WRONG
CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THIS STORY
THIS IS A CREATION MYTH
TRY TO KEEP UP
so yeah actually this egg is pretty much all there is anywhere
and inside the egg is all this cool shit
like lava and birds and mountains and shit
and also this dude Pan Gu like i said
but so even though Pan Gu literally has access to EVERYTHING THERE IS
he gets pretty bored inside this egg
and he’s like FUCK THIS
and he picks up an axe and breaks that fuckin’ egg in half LIKE A BOSS
then he proceeds to have an EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND-YEAR growth spurt
constantly holding the top of the egg balanced on his head in the process
which basically turns the top of the egg into the sky
and the bottom into the earth
it is very important that Pan Gu maintain proper posture because otherwise we’re all fucked
but so yeah then his beard turns into forests and shit
I think his bone marrow turns into rubies also
and something about his breath and wind and birds
whatever
this dude is basically everything
so you can kind of assume that if there is a thing
it probably came about as a result of one of Pan Gu’s bodily processes
but the best part is where humans come from
because apparently
humans are the lice coming off this dude’s corpse when he dies
yep
we are lice

so the moral of the story is
never bathe
because it is genocide

BUT GUYS THERE IS A DIFFERENT STORY ABOUT PAN GU THAT MAKES NO SENSE IN RELATION TO THIS ONE
in this one Pan Gu is a dog
owned by the Emperor of Heaven
Gao Xin
and Gao Xin is terrible at animals
so he keeps his dog inside a gourd on a plate in his house
i don’t even know if he pokes any air holes in the gourd
but anyway Gao Xin has an enemy named King Fang
which I think we can all agree is a great name for an enemy
and Gao Xin is like OKAY GUYS
WHOEVER KILLS KING FANG CAN BANG MY DAUGHTER
but despite the fact that his daughter is mega hottt
no one wants to go up against King Fang
because King Fang is a pretty rough and rowdy dude with a very intimidating name
but see Pan Gu the dog gets fed up with everybody’s sissynandering
and he just busts out of his gourd
runs over to king Fang’s house
and is like WOOF WOOF ASSHOLE
and King Fang is like oh look at the little puppy
NOW THAT GAO XIN’S DOG HAS ABANDONED HIM WE SHALL BE UNSTOPPABLE
but his evil monologue is cut short by Pan Gu removing Fang’s head with his teeth

so Pan Gu brings the head back to Gao Xin
and Gao Xin is like OH SNAP
NICE WORK DAWG
HAVE SOME MEAT
but the dog won’t eat anything at all
I guess he is kind of freaked out that he just BIT A MAN’S HEAD OFF
he doesn’t eat for 3 days and he just lies around like a chump
until finally Gao Xin’s daughter shows up like sup dawg
are you depressed because I don’t want to bang a dirty canine?
and the dog is like FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK
turns out all you gotta do is place me under a golden bell for seven days
and not look at me at all
and I will turn into a human
and Gao Xin’s daughter is like well that is convenient
good thing you can talk and are also magic
man being an animal in an ancient myth is great

so the chick puts the bell on the dog
but after like six days she gets worried
because i mean
chilling out under a golden bell is pretty pimp and all
but it is also a great way to starve to death
so she lifts up the bell to look at Pan Gu
but OH SHIT WHAT’S THIS
LOOKS LIKE THE TRANSFORMATION IS NOT COMPLETE
so he’s got the body of a human
but the head of a dog
like some kind of chinese minodogataur
and after that the magic won’t work
it’s like cooking rice or something
all the magic steam got let out so now he’s this weird thing forever

but the princess feels bad so she still marries him
but then she kind of doesn’t want to be seen with him
so they move to earth
and they live in hiding for the rest of their life
and Pan Gu wears a bag over his head during sex

so the moral of the story
is let sleeping dogs lie
so you can have sex with them and it won’t be gross

THE END

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2 thoughts on “No One Agrees Who The Hell Pan Gu Is

  1. the chick’s cool…well it would’ve been better if the transformation was from the other side…dog legs aren’t as bad as dog face

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