ORLANDO FURIOSO Barely Shows Up in His Own First Chapter

Now a number of you have asked me to tell this tale
But only violent sex-warlord Alexxxander the Great
was studly/generous enough to actually MAIL ME A COPY
so I finally started reading it
and wow
I really truly get why a book like this might make a guy like Don Quixote go insane
like seriously
if you try to behave like the people in this book
I claim no responsibility for your brutal, well-deserved death.
Let’s start at the beginning:

So there’s this chick Angelica
like most medieval damsels
Angelica has spent the past few years as little more than a very sexy football
being passed and intercepted by knight after knight
all of whom are SUPER CONCERNED with “protecting her honor.”
One of these knights is named Orlando Furioso
but then Orlando takes her to France
where there is a big war happening
between everybody and everybody
and Charlemagne is like “Haha you know what’s a great idea?
If I take that chick you have
and offer her as a prize to whoever kills the most dudes in this war”
and Orlando is like “WTF?
It’s like, don’t you even see that my name is in the title?”
and Charlemagne is like “I’M CHARLEMAGNE, BITCH
I FUCKED A LAKE
TRY TO STEP TO ME? THAT’S A BIG MISTAKE
I DON’T NEED MY OWN POEM, I’M A CAMEO MASTER
OH SHIT, WHERE’D ANGELICA GO? DAG-BLAST HER!”
And Orlando is like “Ok ok, stop rapping so we can go find Angelica.”

But Angelica has already been found
because she made the mistake of fleeing into Medieval Woods
forgetting of course
that Medieval Woods are where EVERYONE IS
so she almost tramples some random knight named Rinaldo
and he sees her and he’s like “OH WOW, SO SEXY.”
and she’s like “SHIT SHIT SHIT”
and they immediately embark on some Apollo/Daphne shit
except Angelica has a fucking horse so she gets away
and runs straight into ANOTHER night named Ferrau
who just lost his helmet in a pond
and he sees Rinaldo chasing a hot chick and he’s like “STOP THAT
I’LL FIGHT YOU FOR HER.”
so they start fighting
and Angelica is like “Wow, fuck this”

See, Angelica knows Rinaldo
they used to date
except it was the kind of dating where she was really into him
but he was not at all into her
and then they drank some witch-juice or fairy jizz or whatever
and now she hates him and he loves her
like in Midsummer night’s dream except WAY more violent/complicated.
So Angelica is like “I better get out of here
before Rinaldo figures out I’m me
and not just some random piece of ass in the forest.”
So she leaves those two dudes to beat each other with swords.

Then the two dudes beat each other with swords for a bit
(which they prolly should do anyway
because I think they’re at war right now?)
until finally Rinaldo is like “Bro, time out
do you see that chick anywhere?”
and Ferrau is like “Aw shit, where’d she go?”
and Rinaldo is like “I dunno
but as it stands, we have nothing to gain by killing each other.
what we should do is team up
so we can find her
and THEN kill each other
FOR THE RIGHT TO BANG HER.”
and Ferrau is like “That sounds awesome!
Man
I hope no one ever invents women’s rights.”

So they both climb on Ferrau’s horse
(Rinaldo lost his somewhere)
and gallop off into the woods like best pals
to find a woman to kill each other over
but then the path splits
and they are too dumb to figure out which way Angelica went
so they just split up
and Ferrau ends up right back at the pond where he lost his helmet
so he’s like “Oh well
Better try to get my helmet.”
so he takes a stick and starts poking around in the water
and a FUCKING ZOMBIE JUMPS OUT
and it’s like “Bro, not cool
this pond is my house
and you should know this
because you DUMPED MY BODY IN HERE
AFTER KILLING ME
you said you’d dump my helmet in too
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU FORGOT
UNTIL JUST NOW
SO I’M TAKING IT BACK, MOTHERFUCKER.
Oh also I’m Angelica’s brother
so probably she had a good reason for fleeing you just now.”
and Ferrau is like “Aw man. I feel like a total tool.”
and the Zombie is like “Yeah, you really should.”

Meanwhile Angelica is just hauling ass through the woods
but then she gets tired
and decides to nap under some trees
which goes well for about six seconds
before some dork wakes her up with his excessive crying.
He’s like “BOO HOO HOO
A WOMAN’S VIRGINITY IS A PRICELESS TREASURE
WHY ARE WOMEN ALWAYS SQUANDERING THEIR VIRGINITY ON STUPID ASSHOLES
WHY CAN’T THEY SQUANDER IT ON A NICE GUY LIKE ME?”
and Angelica immediately recognizes him as King Sacripante of the Saracens
who has had a huge pathetic crush on her since forever
so she’s like “Hm, this guy is pretty lame and I’m not attracted to him
but I’m magically bound to hate Rinaldo
Ferrau killed my brother
and Orlando Furioso has Furioso RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING NAME.
This guy seems like the lesser of countless evils.
Hey Sexy-Panties, what up?”
And Sacripante is like “OMG MY QUEEN”
but then a knight in white armor rides by and kills his horse
and as Angelica helps him climb out from under it
and tries to reassure him that he’s not as big of a failure as he obviously is
a messenger comes by like “Hey guys
have you seen a knight in white armor go by?”
and Sacripante is like “Yeah I just got mauled by one
right as I was about to get smooched on by my lady.
Fucking white-knighting son of a bitch.
Who was that?”
and the messenger is like “Oh that?
That’s just some chick named Bradamante.”
and Sacripante is like “NO WAY
NOT A GIRL
HAX
HAXXXXXX.”
So you see, this sort of behavior actually predates the internet.

Anyway, then Sacripante and Angelica pile onto Angelica’s horse
it’s embarrassing and slow
but suddenly a horse appears!
It’s Rinaldo’s horse!
This horse fucking loves Angelica
and Angelica loves the horse
because she didn’t drink any horse-hating potions, I guess
so she grabs it and Sacripante gets on
but then HERE COMES RINALDO
chasing his dumb horse
and he’s like “Oh dang
I just found my horse
and my lady
and some chump I can hit with a sword
I ask you:
COULD THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER???”

But that’s a question we’ll just have to answer next week.
In the meantime, here’s a moral for you:
try to never wear armor
it seems to make people think it’s okay to hit you with weapons.
Angelica doesn’t have that problem, all I’m saying.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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5 thoughts on “ORLANDO FURIOSO Barely Shows Up in His Own First Chapter

  1. Actually, “Furioso” is not his name. It’s sort of an epithet, but one he doesn’t earn until halfway through the book.

    Y’see, this book is actually a *sequel* to an earlier book, _Orlando Inamorato_, aka “Orlando in Love”, aka “That time that Orlando (and every other dude in the world, plus at least one woman) got serious boners over Angelica”. *This* book is _Orlando Furioso_, aka “Orlando Insane”, aka “That time that (spoilers) Orlando found out that Angelica was boning someone else and went so crazy that he became a major ecological catastrophe”.

    Otherwise, excellent retelling!

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