Samson is Metal

okay so there is this guy samson right

holy
fucking
shit

ok so first of all
there is this group of dudes called the philistines
who god for some reason is not fond of
so god is like i need a dude to murder all these philistenes
i know
I WILL MAKE SAMSON
so he sends this angel down
to this dude Manoah and his wife
all like HEY HEY HEY
YOUR WIFE IS STERILE
BUT USING GODMAGIC
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A KID
IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT
HE IS GOING TO KILL SO MANY GODDAMN PHILISTINES
and Manoah is like sweet where do i sign
and the angel is like
YOU DONT GOTTA SIGN SHIT
JUST NEVER CUT THAT KID’S HAIR EVER
AND HE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE
ALSO YOUR WIFE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT
and manoah is like what are you the surgeon fucking general
and the angel is like NO
I AM AN ANGEL OF THE MOTHERFUCKING LORD
CHECK OUT ALL THIS HOLY FIRE
and manoah is like DAMN
lemme make sacrifice some meat real quick
seeing as i have been trying to impregnate this bitch
for like 4 million years
and the angel is like THANKS FOR THE SACRIFICE
GONNA DEVOUR IT WITH MORE HOLY FIRE
PEACE
and he leaves manoah to kind of sit there
like what
and actually he gets pretty fucking freaked out
like shit shit shit that dude just set my meat on fire
what if he sets me on fire
and his wife is like shut up asshole
why would god send an angel
to tell us an elaborate lie
just so he could set us on fire ten minutes later
also i think i am pregnant
anyway later samson is born

so samson grows up
and his hair gets super long and shit
and pretty soon
he decides he wants to go see the cities of the philistines
and his parents are like sure whatever
so he goes out
and he falls in love with some philistine chick
i dont really remember her name actually
it’s not important she dies anyway

so regardless
on his way to woo this bitch
samson gets attacked by a LION
all like ROARRRRRRRR
as a sidenote that is totally not how lions sound
but i can’t accurately transliterate the sound
that lions actually make
so ROARRRR IT IS
anyway samson sees this lion attacking him
and just casually rips it in half
and leaves it there
and decides not to tell anyone about it
because honestly
it isn’t a very good story
other than the killed a lion part
i mean there was no struggle or anything
it’s just kind of like
oh
a lion
RIIIIIP

so samson shows up to philistinetown
like hey
woman
marry me
and the woman is like ok
so then samson walks to the marriage
and on the way
he passes that dead lion again
and apparently bees have decided
that this dead lion
is the perfect place for a beehive
so there is all kinds of honey in there
and samson
being a fucking longhaired dumbass
decides to reach on in there
and get a big fistful of honey
and eat that shit
and nothing bad happens to him
and then he pushes his luck by grabbing more
and bringing it to his parents for some reason
like hey mom
hey dad
here is some beejizz i found in a dead lion
enjoy
maybe you can put it on toast

so then he goes to the wedding
and this is where the shit
starts to get fed
unceasingly
into the fan
because samson decides that it would be a good idea
to tell a high-stakes riddle
to all of the philistine groomsmen at the wedding
and the riddle he makes up
is about the lion he killed
which only he knows about
so they all get super frustrated trying to figure it out
and then
being the monumental assgremlins they are
they run up to samson’s wife
like HEY HEY HEY TELL US THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE
OR WE WILL SET YOU ON FIRE
and she sucks samson’s dick until he tells her or whatever
and then she tells them
and then they tell samson
and then samson tells them to go fuck themselves
because they cheated
then he kills all of them

then he’s still pissed off
so he runs crying to his dad
meanwhile his bride gets married to his best man
then samson comes back
only the chick’s dad won’t let him see her
and wants him to marry her sister instead
so samson does the sensible thing
and sets 300 foxes on fire
so they run around like adderall addicted toddlers
torching all the fields
and this kind of upsets the philistines
who respond in the only sensible way
which is to set samson’s ex-wife on fire

so then samson runs away for a bit
and hides in this cave
and the philistines show up
and they find these 3000 men of judah
who i guess live right in front of the cave
and they are like GIVE US SAMSON
and samson is like it’s fine dudes
just do it
and the men of judah are like sure ok
so they tie him up
and give him to the philistines
and then samson breaks free and murders EVERYONE
except the men of judah probably
i don’t think he has any beef with them
oh yeah
also
he does all this murdering
WITH THE JAWBONE OF A DONKEY
i am not sure where he gets that though
maybe he just rips off a donkey’s face
and then kills everyone with it
seriously this is a fucking massacre
he kills like 1000 guys

so then some other stuff happens
like he crashes at a whore’s place for a bit
and some dudes are hiding behind a gate to ambush him
so he picks up the gate
and puts it somewhere else
and the dudes are like well shit
guess we can’t ambush him anymore
then samson becomes king for 20 years

but all is not well
because it is about this time
that samson starts making BAD DECISIONS
like he falls in love with this chick Delilah
who is the ultimate in skank technology
in fact no sooner do samson and delilah get married
then all the philistines show up
like hey delilah
20 bucks if you find out samson’s weakness
and she is like ok sure
hey samson
what is your weakness
but samson isn’t stupid
so he makes up some bullshit about being bound with bowstrings
and she does it
and he wakes up
and breaks them

OKAY
STOP RIGHT THERE
let’s say you have a girlfriend, right?
she asks if you have any food allergies
you say yes
you are deadly allergic to pineapple
and you wake up the next morning
to find her injecting a pineapple smoothie
into your forearm
what do you do?
do you continue to live with this person?
do you proceed to confide in her?
are you a fucking IDIOT?

well apparently samson is
because he wipes his ass with this massive red flag
and just keeps lying to his wife
telling her different things that are not actually his weakness
and she keeps trying them
so really
everyone is a fucking retard in this situation
until samson one-ups everyone
by telling delilah his actual weakness
which is cutting off his hair
so
predictably
she cuts off his hair
which breaks that whole commitment to god thing
that his parents did
so he loses his strength
and the philistines come fuck him over
stab out both his eyes
and make him a slave
awesome

MANY
YEARS
PASS

and samson has been working for the philistines
for quite a while
one day they are going to do a sacrifice to some bullshit god
thanking him for delivering samson to them
and they are like hey samson
you are cordially invited to this jackassery
so he shows up
and is like man guys i am so tired and blind
can i please lean against these structural supports right here
and they are like sure whatever

but here’s the thing
delilah may have been a retard
and samson may have been a double-retard
but the philistines are triple 360 kickflip retards to the moon
because in all this time
they have totally forgotten to cut samson’s hair
so he prays to god
like hey give me my strength back real quick
and god is like sure i guess your hair is long enough
so samson flexes his biceps
and basically just collapses the entire temple
killing himself
and all the philistines inside

the moral of the story is pretty simple guys
never cut your hair
also never let anyone else cut your hair
also never tell your treacherous wife
that cutting your hair will render you worthless
in fact
your best bet
is to just wear a helmet at all times
a helmet with a padlock on it
that you don’t have a key to
just in case

the end.

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One thought on “Samson is Metal

  1. "and his wife is like shut up asshole
    why would god send an angel
    to tell us an elaborate lie
    just so he could set us on fire ten minutes later"

    this is old testament god. that is EXACTLY the sort of thing he'd do!!

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