Shahmaran is Probably Delicious

First of all I just want to say
that whoever is responsible for all of these spam comments
that have suddenly started appearing on my site
I hope your nuts catch on fire
so that your only hope of saving yourself from total immolation
is to punch yourself in the balls OVER AND OVER AGAIN
when I walk down the street now
I am pointing a magnifying glass at EVERYONE I SEE
just in case one of them is you and I have an opportunity to immolate your battersatchels.

SO THERE’S THIS DUDE TAHMASP

He’s just a regular woodcutting guy
and you may have noticed that highly irregular things tend to happen to woodcutters in these stories
and this story is NO EXCEPTION
right out the gate, Tahmasp is walking with his friends in the woods
and they find a WELL FULL OF HONEY
So being an adventurous wood-cutty dude
Tahmasp climbs down into the well to help dig all the honey out
and he hands all of it to his friends
AND THEN THEY FUCKING DITCH HIM
no one told me that big sacks of honey made people forget the meaning of friendship
this may be helpful for my evil schemes…

anyway, now Tahmasp is stuck in this well
and he can’t get out
but luckily this well has a hole in it
so he stabs his knife in that hole, over and over again
until it gets big enough for him to crawl through
and he emerges in a chamber FULL OF SNAKES
GREAT
AT LEAST BEFORE, HE WAS SURROUNDED BY HONEY RESIDUE
NOW ALL OF THE HONEY IS GONE AND HE IS TRAPPED WITH SNAKES
QUICK RULE OF THUMB:
IF YOU ARE EVER IN AN UNDERGROUND SITUATION THAT WOULD MAKE EVEN INDIANA JONES SHIT HIS PANTS
YOU ARE BEYOND HELP, MY FRIEND

Except i guess things are not as bad as my yelling would imply
because in the middle of all these snakes
is a Shahmaran
which is basically like a mermaid
but with snake instead of fish
WAIT, HOW DOES THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER?
Oh, because the Shahmaran is actually pretty chilled out
she’s like what up dude
welcome to my cave full of snakes
would you like some breakfast?
and Tahmasp is like HELL YESS SEXY SNAKE LADY

so they have breakfast
and Shahmaran keeps Tahmasp entertained by telling him a LOT of stories about shit
I mean
not about actual literal shit
but about history and stuff like that
and Tahmasp finds this fascinating
just like he finds breakfast fascinating
just like anyone would find stories and breakfast fascinating after being TRAPPED IN A WELL
so they fall in love
due to what is known as the Stockholm Syndrome
but then Shahmaran runs out of stories and Tahmasp is like fuck this, I’m out of here
i think I even have a family or something?
And Shahmaran is like aww
well, I respect your decision
I guess I should have been more entertaining
can you at least make sure not to tell anybody where I live?
I hear people like to eat Shahmaran meat in order to gain ultimate wisdom
and that would sort of ruin my day if it happened to me
and Tahmasp is like yeah, no problem
and Shahmaran is like by the way
all of that boning that we did gave you this weird STD
that makes your skin turn into snake scales whenever you take a bath
so try not to take a bath with any other dudes
or else they will know that we boned
and Tahmasp is like …okay
I mean, I wasn’t planning on taking baths with a bunch of dudes
but thank you for the heads up I guess

So Tahmasp goes back to society
and he assiduously avoids bathing with any dudes
(assiduous: constant; unremitting
for all of you who are reading my blog instead of studying for the GRE)
but then something dumb happens:
the king gets sick
and his evil advisor
(why do kings always have these?)
is like hey king
I know this sounds like a long shot
but I have it on highly suspicious authority
that the only prescription for your fever is Shahmaran meat
and the king is like okay well there’s an intelligent way of attacking this problem:
let’s just have all of the dudes in the kingdom bathe together
and first of all that will be super hotttt
and second of all, then we will know who has banged a Shahmaran and we can torture them

so the secret police round everybody up and force them to take a bath
which is nice for everybody except Tahmasp
whose skin turns into snake scales
and then his wife leaves him
and then to top it all off he gets TORTURED
until he reveals where the Shahmaran lives
so they go grab her
and Tahmasp is like I AM SOOO SORRY
THEY DID THIS THING WHERE THEY STUCK A PEAR IN MY BUTT
IT HURT SO BAD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
and the Shahmaran is like no worries, dude
I understand
sometimes you just gotta betray a sacred trust
no big deal
but let me tell all you guys a secret:
my head
is TOTALLY POISONOUS
anyone who eats it will die instantly
but my tail:
FULL OF WISDOM
so of course the evil adviser immediately cuts her torso off and eats her tail
and then she dies
and Tahmasp is so bummed out about this that he decides to kill himself
BY EATING THE SHAHMARAN’S HEAD
GROSSSSSSSS
THERE HAVE GOT TO BE BETTER WAYS TO KILL YOURSELF, DUDE
THERE IS A SWORD
IN THE FUCKING ROOM
but it turns out Tahmasp made the right decision
because then the evil adviser dies
and Tahmasp gets ultimate wisdom
and the king dies of leukemia because no one was actually trying to cure his disease this whole time

so the moral of the story
is do not take dietary advice from anyone who lives in a cave and encourages cannibalism

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Shahmaran is Probably Delicious

  1. “okay well there’s an intelligent way of attacking this problem”

    whaaaat? Why leave these things to chance? why not do a ‘bathe-off’ every year to establish these things? king knows about bathing but not that eating questionable meat will cure him?

    Persians.

    I love Persians.

  2. I want to use the word ‘battersatchels’ at least once a day for the rest of my life.

    This was a triumph, my friend. Well played.

  3. “no one told me that big sacks of honey made people forget the meaning of friendship
    this may be helpful for my evil schemes…”

    if the plan involves fighting ponies
    that’s been tried
    just an fyi

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