She-Who-Lives-Alone is a pretty sad name for a little girl

Okay short myth today
but don’t worry
it is heartwarming as FUCK

alright so there’s this chick named “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
no she is not some kind of rad lone wolf chick
with a belt full of shells and nothing to lose
who don’t need no man and bites the heads off snakes
no no no
she’s this little-ass orphan chick
who is part of a tribe of Comanche indians somewhere in texas
see there’s a drought and her parents starved to death
and as a result her name is actually officially changed to “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
that’s fucked up
that’s like if I got my dick chopped off in a car accident
and so everyone decided to change my name to “He-Who-Ain’t-Got-No-Dick”
great guys
way to rub it in
like every time you need me to pass the salt and you’re like
HEY HE-WHO-AIN’T-GOT-NO-DICK COULD YOU PASS ME SOME FUCKING SALT PLEASE
like THANK YOU SIR I KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
EVERYONE KNOWS I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A SHORTER NICKNAME FOR ME
LIKE DICKSY OR SOMETHING
THAT AT LEAST SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A REAL NAME
FUCK
so yeah She-Who-Lives-Alone
fuck that

but anyway i mentioned there was a drought right?
yeah shit’s pretty fucked up
everyone is kind of worried that they are going to die
so worried in fact that a bunch of the elders go up to the top of a mountain
and they’re like OY
GREAT SPIRIT
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
WE KNOW YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON A WHOLE WAREHOUSE OF FUCKING RAIN
HOW ABOUT LOOSENING THE PURSE STRINGS A LITTLE BIT
and the Great Spirit is like sure dudes no problem
yall just gotta each set fire to your most prized posession
no biggie right
and the elders are like BUT GREAT SPIRIT
WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO THAT
WE HAVE ALREADY LOST LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS
THERE’S THIS ONE CHICK
WE HAD TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SHE-WHO-LIVES-ALONE
WE CALL HER ORPHANS MCGEE FOR SHORT
IT’S PRETTY SAD
WHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO SET FIRE TO A BUNCH OF OUR POSESSIONS ON TOP OF THAT?
and the great spirit is like oh man
this rain feels so good all over my divine radiance
and the elders are like OK POINT TAKEN
HEY EVERYONE WE MADE A FIRE
COME SET FIRE TO YOUR SHIT

so Orphans Mcgee is pretty conflicted over this
because on the one hand she wants there to be rain so that everybody doesn’t die
but on the other hand
she owns exactly one thing
and that is a doll her grandmother gave her
shortly before dying
just like everyone else in her family
and this doll is like top of the line
it’s got berry juice all over its face
and a bunch of blue feathers stapled to its head
it is a pretty sweet doll guys i’m not gonna lie
and Orphans Mcgee is lying in her tent thinking fuck
does the great spirit actually want this doll
like what the hell is he going to do with it
what do you need dolls for when you’re fucking omnipotent
but on the other hand
my spider sense tells me that the great spirit is a huge asshole
who just wants to see a bunch of shit catch on fire
I guess I’d better burn my only posession
otherwise we’re all gonna die

so she goes out to the fire in the middle of the night
and she’s like alright great spirit
you win
go fuck yourself
and she throws in her doll
and she hangs out by the fire all night
and when it dies down she throws some ashes in the air
and then she goes to bed

and when she wakes up in the morning THERE’S FLOWERS EVERYWHERE
MOTHERFUCKING BLUEBONNETS ALL OVER THE HILLS AND SHIT
and everyone is like OH SNAP THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT
I MEAN WE ASKED FOR RAIN BUT THIS IS COOL TOO I GUESS
and then somehow they figure out that this is all because of Orphans Mcgee
I guess because the flowers are the same color as her doll’s feathers
and they’re like ALRIGHT GIRL
YOU GET A NEW NAME
YOUR NEW NAME IS SHE-WHO-DEARLY-LOVES-HER-PEOPLE
NO MATTER THAT THE REST OF US PROBABLY SACRIFICED PRETTY VALUABLE SHIT
BECAUSE WE’RE NOT TINY FUCKING ORPHANS WHO ONLY OWN ONE THING
NAW GIRL THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO YOU
and She-who-dearly-loves-her-people is like well that’s great
but can I get a shorter name that is possible to use in daily conversation
and everyone’s like NOPE
and the girl is like ok
and then i assume everyone dies of thirst
because none of the versions I read say ANYTHING ABOUT RAIN

so the moral of the story
is it doesn’t matter if you’re Greek or Christian or Comanche
everyone can come together in the common knowledge
that god is a dick

THE END.

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3 thoughts on “She-Who-Lives-Alone is a pretty sad name for a little girl

    • If Ovid is a god, he’s uncharacteristically benevolent. I mean, he actually answers to our prayers and accepts our offerings and shit!

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