WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS, TO THE BLACK HEART OF SPACE
YOU HAVE ARRIVED JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THIS TEXT FLOAT PAST US
the text is like
“Alright guys, you know the drill
Han Solo is frozen in carbonite
and everyone else has to go back to Tattooine to save him
also, the Rebels don’t know this yet
but the empire is building a whole new death star
holy shit, right?”
Man, if the rebels would just send out a probe to intercept this crazy space text
I think it would have a really profound effect on the intergalactic war.
Anyway, down on Tattooine Jabba the Hutt is having a crazy party
this party is known as Jabba the Hutt’s entire life
seriously, this guy is constantly submerged in an underground bunker
flooded with smooth jazz, whores, and good times
when all of a sudden R2D2 humps down the door with his metal dick
followed closely by the nebula of cowardice and complaints that calls itself C3PO
and R2D2 busts out a sweet hologram of a gothed-up Luke Skywalker
who is like “Jabba, my man
you should give me Han Solo. I will totally pay top dollar for him.
As a token of my friendship, have these droids!”
and the droids are like WHAT
and then this bounty hunter busts in dragging chewbacca and demanding space dollars
but then it turns out that the bounty hunter is actually princess Leia
and she uses her disguise to unfreeze Han Solo
and make out with him while he’s blind from carbonite poisoning
except it turns out Jabba the Hutt saw this lameass plan coming a mile away
so he throws EVERYBODY in prison
except for princess leia, who he throws into a bikini and then ties to his neck
and then Luke finally decides to show up
So apparently since last episode, luke has changed a few things:
1) he has figured out what to do with his ugly-ass hair
2) he has started dressing in all-black and wearing a skirt
3) he has somehow convinced himself he is obi wan kenobi
so he walks into Jabba’s room in a dumb robe all like YOU WILL GIVE ME BACK HAN SOLO
and Jabba is like “Bitch please
that jedi shit don’t work on me
allow me to feed you TO THE RANCOR.”
So Luke falls into a pit and has to fight a monster, which he does no problem
and then he gets captured again, and Jabba is like “okay
I guess the monster i tried to feed you to didn’t have a large enough mouth.
TIME TO FEED YOU TO A MONSTER THAT IS BASICALLY JUST A GIANT MOUTH”
seriously, has this guy not heard of lasers?
They are a safe and effective way to murder people
they do not require feeding or cleaning up after
they really are the way of the future!
But no, instead they stick Luke and friends on a landspeeder
and cart them over to this pulsing alien sphincter that lives in the desert
and they’re about to make him walk the plank
when R2D2 shoots luke’s lightsaber out of his face and luke kills EVERYONE
THIS WAS HIS PLAN ALL ALONG.
Wait, who plans for this?
Who the fuck makes this kind of plan?
Well, whatever. The point is they all get away
including Leia, who strangles Jabba with his own sex-chain
and Han Solo is pretty traumatized
but he consoles himself with the fact that at least he got to see Leia in a bikini.
So that’s good
Luke did something positive for a change
and now he has to go fuck it all up
by going to visit Yoda again to get more terrible advice.
Luckily, by the time he arrives, yoda is pretty much dead
his lifetime of living in swamps and being a tiny green bastard finally caught up with him
so Luke is like “Hey, Yoda
before you die or whatever, could you finish training me?
You know, like you said you were gonna before I peaced out last time?”
and Yoda is like “Oh that
no, you don’t need any more training. That shit is over”
and Luke is like “Wait, so I’m technically a Jedi then, right?”
and Yoda is like “No, you still have to do one more thing”
and Luke is like “What?”
and Yoda is like “You have to go fight Darth Vader.”
and Luke is like “Wait, I already did that.
See, he chopped off my hand!”
and Yoda is like “You have to do it … again.”
Okay now wait just a goddamn second
last time Luke left Dagobah to go fight darth vader
Yoda was like “No man, don’t go, it’s a terrible idea
you have to finish your training!”
and then when luke finally came back to do what yoda said
it turns out that the final stage of his training
IS THE EXACT THING HE LEFT HIS TRAINING TO GO DO?!
WHAT THE FUCK YODA
WHAT THE PERFECT FUCK
I’M GLAD YOU JUST DIED
BECAUSE I WOULD PUNCH THROUGH CINEMATIC HISTORY TO WRECK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW
oh but before yoda dies, he totally confirms that Darth Vader is Luke’s father
and that he turned evil and stuff
and also he tells luke that he has a sister
but then he really does have to die
so it’s time for Obi Wan’s ghost to show up and finish the story:
see, it turns out that Luke’s sister
IS PRINCESS FUCKING LEIA
yeah that’s right, guys
for those of you with doubts about whether Star Wars qualifies as a myth
in the space of one scene we just got:
“Kill your father
and that chick you’re trying to bang is your sister”
INCEST AND PATRICIDE
TWO GREAT TASTES THAT DISSOLVE ENTIRE FAMILIES
WELCOME TO THE CANON, GEORGE LUCAS
So while Luke is busy getting a genealogy lesson from green midgets and ghosts
everyone else is back at the rebel fleet, learning actually important things
it seems as if the rebels have finally intercepted the flying space text
so they know about the new death star
and they also know that it is protected by a shield
that is being generated on the planet it is orbiting, which is called Endor
So Lando Calrizzian
whose name has become no less awesome since last episode
volunteers to go blow up the death star
and Han Solo volunteers to go blow up the shield generator
and Princess Leia is like “I will go with you and then we can make out some more”
and Chewbacca is like “GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG”
and Luke busts in like “AND MY AXE”
so the gang is back together, complete with the neurotic robot versions of Penn and Teller:
C3PO and R2D2.
So Han and Co go to sneak onto Endor
but immediately their plan is put in danger
by the fact that Darth Vader can literally smell Luke coming from LIGHT-YEARS away.
He doesn’t care, though
he lets them get through, for god-knows-what reason
and then he goes to talk to his boss.
YUP THAT’S RIGHT
Baron Chokeslams Von Evilmask has a boss
his boss’s name is THE EMPEROR
and he looks a lot like my great grandmother.
His main role in this whole thing
is to constantly remark at how everything is going according to plan
while simultaneously making the dumbest plans imaginable.
Right now his plan is to hide all his spaceships on the opposite side of the planet from the death star
and then send Darth Vader down to Endor to wait for luke to come turn himself in.
Meanwhile, Han and everybody are down on Endor partying it up with the locals
who kinda look like anthropomorphic terriers who have learned to use spears
and have mistaken C3PO for some kinda god
which is nice for him
cause it’s the first time anyone’s mistaken him for anything other than an ambulatory toilet
but in the middle of this huge party, Luke is out on the balcony, moping his ass off
he’s like “Hey Leia
turns out you’re my sister.”
and Leia is like “Somehow…
I always knew.”
And Luke is like “Well I sure as shit didn’t!
I was looking forward to exploring every vector of sex-space with your fine, fine ass!
What am I supposed to do now, huh?
Do you realize that you are the only female character in this whole trilogy?”
And Leia’s like “Well that’s not true!
What about that green slave girl from Jabba’s place?”
and Luke is like “THEY DROPPED HER INTO THE RANCOR PIT, LEIA.
SHE WAS SO HOT AND GREEN AND THEY FED HER TO THE FUCKING RANCOR.
Man, fuck this, I’m gonna go turn myself in to Darth Vader.”
So he does, apparently with the intention of turning Darth Vader good?
Thus totally validating the Emperor’s shitty plan
so obviously darth vader puts him in handcuffs and takes him to the death star
where the emperor is waiting
TO TURN HIM EVIL
Here is the emperor’s great plan:
step one: bring Luke Skywalker to his secret lair inside the death star
step two: lay his light saber out in plain view
step three: make him watch all the rebel ships get blown up
while repeatedly daring him to stab you in the chest
because if he stabs you in the chest it will somehow turn him evil?
So it’s no surprise when luke snaps and starts trying to stab him
but he ends up having to stab darth vader instead
except he keeps pussing out and refusing to fight
so darth vader has to keep trying to stab him
and finally luke loses his shit and chops off Vader’s hand
but then his conscience kicks in like “Luke!
Don’t kill all the evil guys and make a glorious escape!
That’s exactly what they want you to do!”
so instead he throws away his lightsaber, like an idiot
and the emperor responds in the only sensible way
which is to get up and shoot LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HANDS.
Just a thought, but if you are trying to convert someone to the dark side
a good up-front selling point might be “hey:
it lets you shoot FUCKING LIGHTNING OUT OF YOUR HANDS”
I think maybe Luke might have made a different decision
had he known about the sweet lightning-related prospects in store.
instead what happens is that Vader finally gets tired of watching his son have siezures
and just picks the emperor up and throws him off a bridge
and then the emperor explodes, and it’s awesome.
But what’s not as awesome is that now darth vader is going to die
because I guess picking up a dude who is covered in lightning is a bad thing to do
and before he dies he’s like “Oh man, luke
you totally turned me good or something.
Take off my mask so I can look at your beautiful face.”
So luke takes off the mask
and it turns out that his beloved father
looks a lot like a leukemia-riddled eunuch with a harmonica in his mouth
and Luke is so freaked out
that he immediately teleports straight out of the death star and onto Endor
just so he can set his dad’s body on fire and never look at it again
(or at least I can’t think of any other explanation for how he gets off of that space station)
which is a good thing
because Han and R2D2 just pried the deflector shield open with their metal dicks
and Lando Calrizzian blew up the death star
and then everybody on all the planets began to party more heartily than ever before.
Okay, so let’s take a step back for a second
over the course of this three-episode laser orgy
what has Luke Skywalker actually accomplished?
He didn’t save his aunt and uncle from the Empire
he didn’t save his friends in cloud city
and while his buddies were busy busting their asses to blow up the death star
he was busy bonding with his father over the exploding corpse of a geriatric psycopath
sure he blew up the death star
but only because Han Solo saved his ass with lasers
and then later, saved his ass AGAIN by cutting open an animal and HIDING HIM INSIDE OF IT.
On his own, Luke is about as helpful in a galactic conflict as a hefty bag full of dead fish
it seems like his main purpose in the story as a whole
is to keep the wayward ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi entertained
so I guess after all that
the moral of the story has to be
that if you find yourself suddenly in the midst of a space opera
try to be the protagonist
it’s a pretty sweet deal.