Sucks to be Lancelot

hey so I got a lot of people asking me
HEY WHEN DOES YOUR SITE UPDATE
ANSWER:
WHENEVER I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT
but it just so happens
that i feel like it every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
so that’s convenient
also!
when I am doing videos
(which should start happening some time this week
depending on how my throat feels)
i post the videos on every day that i do NOT NORMALLY UPDATE
so Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday
NOW YOU KNOW
TELL YOUR FRIENDS

Alright so there’s this dude Lancelot right

some people call him Launcelot
but those people are FRENCH
anyway Lancelot is a dude
who is the best knight in the entire goddamn universe
this is due to the fact that god ABJECTLY REFUSES TO LET HIM DIE
it’s not like he doesn’t try to get his ass killed
he lives in a fucking monestary for like a million years
beating himself with whips and eating gruel and murdering giants
but every time he is about to die
God is just kind of like NOPE
NUH UH
GOTTA KEEP ON TRUCKIN’ LANCELOT
and Lancelot is like fuckkkkk
guess i better beat myself with more whips

so this continues for a long time
pretty much just a shitty arrangement for everyone involved
when one day Lancelot’s nephew Sir Bors shows up
he’s like hey Lancelot what’s good
and Lancelot is like nothing
clearly
and Bors is like that’s cool that’s cool
hey listen
so I am one of king arthur’s knights right
and a bunch of his knights just got their asses killed
you know
like knights kind of tend to do
so Arthur is having a tournament to find some more knights
wanna do that?
and Lancelot is like no not really
I don’t want to do anything
and Bors is like fuck you do it anyway
and Lancelot is like well ok i guess but I’m not gonna like it

so Lancelot puts his special sadness whip away
and gets on a horse
and he and his nephew head back towards camelot
BUT FUN FACT GUYS
APPARENTLY SUBSISTING FOR YEARS ON A DIET OF GRUEL AND SELF FLAGELLATION
DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PREPARE YOU FOR CROSS COUNTRY HORSE TRAVEL
WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS
so Lancelot gets sick
and he and Sir Bors have to stop at this castle
and Lancelot is thinking to himself
SWEET
THIS SICKNESS MIGHT FINALLY KILL ME
I LOVE DYING
so he’s pretty jazzed about this
but unfortunately there is this super hot chick there
named Elaine
who is equally jazzed about keeping him alive
and subsequently boning the shit out of him
HOLD ON HOW IS THIS UNFORTUNATE
ALSO WHY IS EVERY SINGLE CHICK THESE KNIGHTS ENCOUNTER
THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
YOU CANNOT TIE FOR HOTTEST CHICK IN THE WORLD
THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE THE HOTTEST WOULD YOU ASSHOLE?
anyway Elaine prays to god
like god make Lancelot better
and god is like sure
I LOVE doing things that make this dude sad
even though honestly he has no reason to be sad
because he is INVINCIBLE
and a hot chick is rubbing her ERECT NIPPLES on his FACE
but so basically Lancelot recovers
and he is thankful to Elaine for sure
but he certainly does not have any boners to spare for her
NONE
he needs to hold onto his boners for ADULTERY
more about that later
meanwhile instead of hot makeouts with Elaine
Lancelot is engaging in hot man on man knight training with Elaine’s bros
and when the time comes to leave
Lancelot is pretty much just like bye
thanks for the soup or whatever
I’ll totally wear your sleeve on my head
as a token of your favor in this tournament i’m going to
but that doesn’t mean i give a shit about you
in fact i’m going to come back here later
and tell your dad to put you in a nunnery
and then you’re gonna kill yourself
so heads up on that
and then he leaves with her two brothers to go fight dudes

BUT PLOT TWIST
Lancelot cannot abide by getting credit for his actions
so he is like hey
one of Elaine’s bros
give me your armor and shield
and i will give you mine
and then everyone will think you are me
and i will be free to romp and stomp anonymously
so they do that
and then they go to the tournament
and Lancelot romps and stomps
as predicted
and Arthur sees that shit going down
and he is like whoa
someone beat the shit out of that guy
and sir Kay
who is completely worthless at everything he does
is like I WILL DO IT
and then Arthur is like fuuuuuck
hey Sir Gawain will you go ahead and follow Sir Kay
just so he doesn’t embarrass himself
and Gawain is like I AM ON IT
so he goes and fights Lancelot
and loses
predictably
even though Lancelot tries to lose PRETTY MUCH AS HARD AS HE CAN
cause eventually god is just like fuck this
and makes Lancelot break Gawain’s sword at the hilt
at which point Arthur is like shit dude wanna be a knight?
and Lancelot is like don’t mind if I do

so then later everyone is having dinner
(the ladies are eating seperately from the dudes
i guess because there is a law
that men cannot look at boobs and eat at the same time
although i don’t know whether that was a law of Britain
or a LAW OF NATURE
actually i’m leaning towards law of Britain
because there is pretty much no circumstance
that can render me unable to look at boobs
even something as complicated as eating)
and a knight named Sir Meliagrant busts into the ladies’ room
and he is like I AM JUST SO FUCKING EVIL
and sir Kay is there serving everyone some sauteed mushrooms
and Sir Meliagrant just backhands him like HAHAHAHAHA BITCH
NOW I’M TAKIN UR WOMAAN
and he picks up Guenevere and just walks out of the castle
GUYS
THIS IS THE SHITTIEST PALACE SECURITY I HAVE EVER SEEN
SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE OFF THE STREET JUST WALKS IN
TAKES THE FUCKING QUEEN
AND THEN WALKS OUT
THERE ARE HOLES IN THIS SECURITY PROTOCOL
BIG ENOUGH TO DRIVE A FUCKING BLIMP THROUGH
LIKE LITERALLY
I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD NOTICE
MAYBE SOME GUARDS WOULD BE LIKE OH LOOK WHAT IS THAT
IT APPEARS TO BE TAKING THE QUEEN
AND THEN SOME OTHER GUARDS WOULD BE LIKE WHATEVER DUDE
IT’S PROBABLY JUST A PARADE OR SOMETHING
ANYWAY I’M WAAAAAAY TOO DRUNK TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

so yeah Sir Kay wakes up from being backhanded
and sees all the ladies freaking out
and he is like I MUST RESCUE THE QUEEN
so he gets on his failhorse and proceeds to gallop onwards towards failure
and then pretty quick after that
Arthur finds out his wife is gone
and he’s like FUCK I GOTTA GO GET HER
but Lancelot is like pshaw my friend
let me do it
and Arthur is like YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so Lancelot saddles up his invincihorse
and gallops onwards with 100% assured success

HERE IS THE IMMEDIATE PROBLEM:
Sir Meliagrant lives in a kingdom
on the other side of a bigass river
and the only bridge
IS A SWORD
SWORDS ARE NOT GOOD BRIDGES
THEY LACK BASICALLY EVERY QUALITY A GOOD BRIDGE REQUIRES
- RAILINGS
- NOT CUTTING YOU IN HALF WHEN YOU TRY TO WALK ON IT
but Sir Meliagrant can walk on it it’s fine
cause he’s evil and that’s how that works
so he goes back to his palace and locks Guenevere in the dungeon
and is like hey i’m gonna rape you later so just sit tight
and Guenevere is like make me
and Meliagrant is like yeah ok
just lemme figure out which torture implements to use on you

MEANWHILE KAY ARRIVES
but he can’t cross the sword obviously
so he takes off all his armor and weapons
and then he throws himself in the river
AND SWIMS TO THE OTHER SIDE
AND THEN CLIMBS THE SHEER CLIFF FACE INTO THE CITY
burn this into your memory my friends
because this
is the ONLY COOL THING
Sir Kay EVER does
IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE
and even this one is pretty shitty
cause no sooner does he get to the top of the cliff face
then Meliagrant is like oh hi there
i see you are unarmed and exhausted
I have a dungeon for that
so he locks up Sir Kay
and then goes back to threatening Guenevere

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SHOWS UP
he ALSO cannot cross the bridge
but he hates swimming
so instead he strips all the armor off his horse
drapes it over the blade
and then monkey crawls to the other side
which honestly isn’t nearly as badass as what Kay did
but is significantly more effective
and then when he gets to the other side
he sees a dwarf
dressed as a jester
with a big ol cart full of feces
and he is like hey dwarf
i don’t have any gold for you to fuck
but could you do me a favor and give me a ride in your shitcart
and the dwarf is like well i want to see you get poop on you
so ok
and Lancelot rides into town and everyone laughs their ass off at him
and the dwarf takes Lancelot RIGHT UP TO MELIAGRANT’S CASTLE
and Meliagrant comes out like hey man good to see you
how about a hug
and Lancelot is like well i do like hugging
and then while they are hugging
some dudes come up and handcuff the fuck out of him
and he is like AW BALLS
and then Meliagrant has to do some really awkward maneuvering
in order to free himself from Lancelot’s arms
it’s like that human knot game
but with only two dudes
and one of them is evil and one of them is invincible
so actually more like dragonball Z?
anyway then Lancelot gets put in jail
and Meliagrant taunts Guenevere some more

BUT UH OH
SUDDENLY IT IS PROBLEM CITY FOR MELIAGRANT
because all Guenevere’s verbal abuse
gives him a ROCK HARD LOVE ERECTION
that WILL NOT GO AWAY
and he is thinking about it to himself
and he is like fuuuuuck
how do i get this girl to like me
i feel like one of the main problems is that i stole her
and put her in prison
and now i am threatening her with torture
but i’m not gonna stop doing any of THOSE things
hm
OH I KNOW
HOW ABOUT I BECOME VIRTUOUS INSTEAD
so the first thing he tries
is he goes outside and he sees a beggar
and he gives the dude some money
the dude then proceeds to go into a store
BUY A CROSSBOW
and then TRY AND ROB HIM WITH IT
so Meliagrant kills him
and he’s kind of back to square 1

so next he goes to Sir Kay
and he’s like hey dude i need a favor
if I let you go
will you promise to go tell Guenevere i’m a cool dude
and she should consider consensual sexytimes with me?
and Sir Kay is like I SWEAR ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE
and then Meliagrant lets him out
and Kay is like POW BITCH
TURNS OUT I HAVE NO HONOR SO FUCK YOU
and then he goes over to Guenevere’s cell
and he’s like hey look I brought you some freedom
I kind of had to lie to a dude to get it but that’s ok right
cause that guy was a dick
and Guenevere is like hm
nope
i better stay here until you figure out how to free me
WITHOUT being a lying sack of tool
and Kay is like SERIOUSLY?
COME ON
THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO BE THE HERO RIGHT NOW
I CAN LITERALLY OPEN YOUR CELL AND YOU CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW
and Guenevere
who as we will soon discover
is a HUUUUUGE BITCH
is like nope
no that is not how we are doing this
so Kay just kind of leaves and starts wandering around the castle
crying softly to himself

MEANWHILE sir meliagrant heals from all his wounds
USING THE POWER OF EVIL
and then he is like shit well
what do i do now
oh I know
I’ll face Lancelot in a fair fight
hey Guenevere
I’m gonna kill Lancelot fair and square
and then we can bang right?
and Guenevere is like oh dude you are so fucked
you do not even KNOW

so Meliagrant brings some swords and armor and horses and shit
and leaves them in front of Lancelot’s cell
but he TOTALLY FORGETS TO UNLOCK THE CELL
so Kay comes along and steals all that shit
and goes out to fight Meliagrant himself
and Meliagrant just RUINS HIS SHIT
AGAIN
FOR THE THIRD TIME
at which point Meliagrant realizes this is probably not Lancelot
and then he is like FUCK
I FORGOT TO UNLOCK HIS CELL
so he does that
and Lancelot comes out
and literally cuts him in half
it’s not even that big of a deal
and then he puts the bloody sword in Kay’s hand
and wakes him up
and is like hey buddy
looks like you are the big man today huh
but then Guenevere is like cut that out Lancelot
Kay’s just going to get himself murdered if you lie to him like that
and Lancelot is like fuck fine
i’m sorry Kay it looks like you failed again
and Kay is surprisingly reasonable about all this
I guess because he is used to failure at this point

so everybody goes back to Camelot
and Arthur is pleased as punch about this shit
and he is like you know what Lancelot
you are now officially in charge of my wife
I mean it’s not like that’s even necessary
I hardly ever do anything but sit on ass
and have feasts with my knights
but really I mainly just want to give you the opportunity to fuck my wife
meanwhile Guenevere is not fine with this AT ALL
and honestly Lancelot is only ok with it because he’s ok with EVERYTHING
these two do not like each other that much is what i’m saying
and plus Lancelot has a vow of chastity apparently
but remember when I said Guenevere was a huge bitch?
well here is where that really comes into play
see she is like hm
Lancelot is basically perfect in every way
he’s invincible
he is modest
he is virtuous
et fucking cetera
that’s awesome
I would like to ruin it
HEY LANCELOT
COME OVER HERE SO I CAN SEDUCE YOU WITH REPEATED INSULTS
THEN YOU WILL BONE ME
BECAUSE I AM ANOTHER ONE OF THE HOTTEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD
and that is what happens
for a long ass time
until problems occur but we will talk about those later

So the moral of the story
is if you are an evil mastermind
try not to systematically give up EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ADVANTAGES
for the sake of getting laid
because what you are actually going to get is killed
and then the dude who killed you is going to get laid
and there is no transitive property on getting laid my friend
especially if you are already dead

THE END.

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11 thoughts on “Sucks to be Lancelot

  1. Yay, masochistic Lancelot! Medieval BDSM for the win!

    On a seriously nerdy note, what source(s) are you riffing off of? Not out to critique accuracy or some shit like that, just curious.

  2. I imagine Kay wakes up with that sword and thinks "oh lord, I actually succeeded at something!" and is riding the high until Guenevere is just like "pfft no you got punk'd."

    Man, Arthur just gives out knighthoods to every self-flagellating monastery dweller and cross-dressing teenager who thinks he's twelve that shows up in his court.

  3. @ Ovid: Thanks! I thought some of the details sounded unfamiliar, and now I have a new thing to go look at! New sources are always fun.

  4. It is, indeed, British law that the sexes must eat separately, which leads to the sale of many large cardboard dividing shields and is why no-one in the south of England talks to anyone else on public transport.

    Burger King don't like it much either.

  5. You should do some Grimm's fairy tales
    even though they are not myths
    cause they are EXTRA FUCKED UP
    and all full of VIOLENCE and shit

  6. Hey so I just thought I'd let you know that whenever I would google search for your blog I'd have to go through like a couple pages of google to find it.

    And now it's number one at the top. So yay!

  7. The fairy tales idea is a good one, but you should probably try to incorporate some of the elements from before the tales were faceraped by the Grimms. I'd be especially interested in hearing your take on Little Red Riding Hood, with all of its sex and murder.

  8. Marion Zimmer Bradley and her pagan take on these myths would give you much fodder! Great blog, I am loving that I stumble across you on the Huffinton Post!

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