J is for Jackal, and Also Jerkass

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So today’s myth was lovingly hand-translated for me
by this guy
who is some kind of language wizard I think so don’t fuck with him
It is a berber myth
which means it comes from ancient Berbaria
which is actually not called that
and is not exactly a place
and is really just a bunch of dudes in North Africa who speak a language
whatever
it’s about what would happen if someone told Loki he could be whatever animal he wanted

okay so there’s this Jackal and he is FAMISHED
his stomach is emptier than my shriveled black heart
you could drop a quarter down his gullet and never hear it hit bottom
and he wouldn’t even grant you any wishes
because in addition to being hungry
he is also a huge asshole
with no powers more magical than the ability to speak and start shit

so this Jackal is walking along and he sees a lion
and he’s like “Yo man does your face hurt?”
(preparing to lay down some sick burns on this chump)
but the lion totally ruins the joke by saying “Yes actually
my face hurts real bad
mainly my eyes”
So the Jackal is like DUDE
sounds like you’ve got a serious case of leonine glaucoma
what you need
is some MEDICINE
and out here in the middle of the fucking desert
the best kind of medicine we have is hyena hearts
because weed has not yet been invented
hold on, I’ll be right back.

So the jackal goes out and finds a hyena
(PS: Hyena is apparently a dirty word in Berberese
because every time anyone says it they feel the need to apologize
Someone needs to teach these dudes how to say crusty ballsack or something
are you reading this, mister language wizard?
can you teach me how to say crusty ballsack in Berber?
For research, obviously.)
anyway the jackal is like YO HYENA MY MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT?
(Jackal is not known for his tact)
And Hyena is like man I sprained it doing backflips and shit
I don’t know, what do hyenas do?
anyway I need a doctor
(Holy shit this desert is just chock full of miserable animals)
and Jackal is like YOU’RE IN LUCK MY FRIEND
FOLLOW ME
And Hyena follows him
like an idiot

three hours later Hyena and Jackal arrive at Lion’s place
and Jackal is like alright man
here’s the doctor
and Hyena is like I don’t know
that looks less like a doctor and more like one of my natural predators
and the Jackal is like dude
DUDE
we live in the middle of a fucking DESERT
the best medicine we have is Hyena hearts
and the best doctors we have are lions
and the Hyena is like what was that about hyena hearts
and Jackal is like NOTHING SHUT UP
IT’S GOING TO BE FINE
HE TOOK THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH OR WHATEVER
and Hyena is like okay, I guess I’ll trust you
and he goes over to the lion
and the lion hits him on the head with a shovel and kills him
just like bam
and Jackal is like okay Lion
you go over there for a minute
I’ll just cut this dude up for you right quick
and then he does
but before the lion gets back
Jackal EATS THE FUCKING HEART HIMSELF
holy shit man
the one fucking part of the body you promised to the lion
and that is the part you eat
I thought this guy was being clever
convincing the lion to just take a small part of a big meaty corpse
but no
just being an asshole
all across the desert
yup.

Oh, consequences?
You want to hear about the consequences?
There are none.
No consequences at all for jackal.
What, you thought this story was going to have a moral or something?
Well it does
it’s this:
you wanna make an assload of money fast?
fuck impersonating a doctor
impersonate an insurance agent.

THE END.

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