Tao Time Motherfuckers

Oh hey so first of all guys
Good news
I just got TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS DONATED TO ME
by loving fan(s)
through the medium of the INTERNET
so i am going to pass the joy i feel in my heart
along to you
in the form of the first ever ULTRA VIDEO MYTH
as in tomorrow I am going to post a totally new
totally sweet myth
that i have never written down
and i am just going to scream it into the camera
and it is going to come flying out of your speakers and monitor
and just utterly rip off your face
and then i am going to have to find new readers for my blog
so for my sake
when you come to this website tomorrow
please
hold on to your faces
hold on tight

now to the pleasure part of this business
you are about to hear a story
about magic
and poop
and i wish i could say the magic was the most important part

So Fei Chang-fang right
he’s interested in the tao from a very early age
and then at a slightly less early age
he becomes a police officer
but then he quits because fuck the police

so then one day Chang-fang is hanging out at a restaurant
and he sees this old man
come walking into the town square
and sit down
and pull some medicinal herbs
cough cough
out of a large gourd
and sell them all day

now chang-fang
having just quit his job
has nothing better to do
than sit in the restaurant
and watch this dude sell drugs all day
so that’s what he does
and at the end of the day
the old dude puts all his herbs back into the gourd
and then
shoop
jumps into the gourd himself
and chang-fang just sits there like

what

so he comes back to the restaurant every day
for like the next week
and the old guy does the same thing every day
and finally chang-fang is like
fuck it i’m gonna go talk to this dude
so he gets up
and walks across the courtyard
but right when he is about to get up in the old guy’s shit
the old guy goes SHOOP MOTHERFUCKER
and jumps into his gourd
so Chang-Fang goes and looks in the gourd
and i will be DAMNED my friends
if there isn’t an entire fucking HOUSE in that gourd
(clarification: there is
there is definitely a house in that gourd)
and the old dude is sitting in there
and he walks right up to the mouth of the gourd
and looks chang-fang right in the eye
and is like HOW DID YOU SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
ONLY PEOPLE
WHO CAN LEARN MAGIC
CAN SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
DO YOU WANT TO LEARN MAGIC
HERE
COME HAVE LUNCH IN MY GOURD

so chang-fang jumps into the gourd with the old dude
and they have a tasty lunch
and they have many tasty lunches for days afterwards
and discuss the mysteries of the tao

now this could be the end of the story right here
but i think that we can all agree
that that would be pretty lame
and some of you out there are probably thinking to yourselves
hold on
didn’t he promise us some poop
i want to see some poop
well hold your poophorses my friends
because this story is just getting started

so one day the old man in the gourd is like
hey chang-fang
i have a confession to make
i am actually a taoist immortal
imprisoned on earth for breaking the laws of heaven
they make me sell drugs down here
to atone
probably
for selling drugs up there
anyway I get out tomorrow
and i’m totally going back to the immortal kingdom
do you want to come

and Chang-Fang is like DO I
fuck do i?
cause see
Chang-fang has a family
and he doesn’t want them to worry about him
and the old dude is like boy do i have a solution for that
here
take this bamboo stick
and hang it from a tree in front of your house
so chang-fang does
and then his parents come outside
and they see the stick
only instead of a stick they see THEIR SON
HE KILLED HIMSELF THEY ARE SO SAD
and they start crying
and meanwhile chang-fang is like guys
guys
totally not dead guys
standing right here
right next to the stick you are crying about
but they don’t see or hear him
so the old man is like welp
looks like i just destroyed your only reason
for not coming with me
wanna come with me?
and Chang-Fang is like yeah ok

so they journey to the immortal mountains
which are some pretty sweet mountains
let me tell you
i mean actually that’s all i know about them
never having been there or anything
but trust me they are pretty sweet

so the old man leads chang-fang into a cave
and he is like sit down on this slab of rock
and chang-fang does
and then the old man is like WAM BAM WIZZOW
and conjures a huge rock over chang-fang’s head
suspended by a puny-ass rope
and then he’s like FIZZANG PACHOW BLORB
and summons a bunch of snakes
that start biting the shit out of the rope
and the rope starts to fray
and chang-fang is just like yawn
i see you have some snakerope
well done i guess

so the old man is like NICE!
you can totally learn magic and divination
alright follow me
and he leads him up a mountain pass
and then
wait for it guys
wait for it
he waves his hands
and ABRA KADABRA
IT’S POOPTIME
seriously there is just so much poop all of a sudden
just a massive pile of poops
and do you know what it is covered in
not marshmallows
or peanut brittle
MAGGOTS
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF MAGGOTS
and the old man grabs three maggots
and is like here Chang-fang
here are some maggots for you to eat
and chang-fang is like what no
and the old man is like aww man
i thought you were cool
looks like you don’t get to be an immortal
EVER
and chang-fang is like i guess that’s ok
if being an immortal means i have to eat poopmaggots
wait actually
what i meant to say
is i’m totally cool with not being immortal
as long as i can use my powers to help people
and make their lives better
by the way do you have any magic gifts for me
and the old man is like well
since you have SUCH A GOOD HEART
you can have my gourd full of drugs
and you can have this magical walking stick
just tap it on the ground
and it will teleport you wherever you wanna go
really not much of a walking stick
more of a teleporting stick
anyway GOODBYE AND I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN

so then chang-fang kind of starts to wonder
how his parents are doing
and he teleports home
and knocks on his door
all like hey dad what’s up HOLY SHIT YOU’RE OLD
and his dad is like OH FUCK A GHOST
so no one is happy all of a sudden
but then chang-fang is like calm down dad
i’m not a ghost
i just pranked you into burying a bamboo stick
and thinking it was me
here we’ll go dig it up
so they do
and then everyone is happy again
and they have a banquet
but chang-fang is confused
because all his relatives
are mega old for some reason
and he is like mom why are you guys so old
i was only gone for like
a day
and his mom is like WRONG SON
YOU WERE GONE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS
BECAUSE OF CELESTIAL TIME DILATION
and chang-fang is like oh
well ok
by the way i have to go help people now
i’ll try to visit sometimes

so then he travels all over the place
healing the sick and capturing demons and shit
and one day he comes to a town
where the inns are full
so he goes to a mansion
like can I stay here
and the mansion guy is like sure no problem
so he goes in
and while he’s having dinner
he is like OH SHIT GUYS
I SENSE AN EVIL FOG OF DEATH ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE
LEAVE NOW
LEAVE ME ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE
WITH YOUR POSESSIONS
DON’T COME BACK UNTIL SUNRISE
OR YOU WILL DIE
and the house people are like well WHAT
WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS
and chang-fang is like NOTHING GUYS
SHIT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES IS ALL
so the people leave the house
while the rest of the village is like
great job getting your posessions stolen
by some random shitty healer guys
but when they come back to the house in the morning
all their animals are dead
every single one
and they are like damn
thanks for saving us chang-fang
i mean you probably could have tried
to save some of our animals too
but still
thanks man
we’ll totally make offerings
to the mountain shrines
once a year
on this day
in honor of your weird death-prescience

so yeah
eventually chang-fang dies
because he didn’t want to eat poop
but before that he lived a long life
healing people
and making sure that the gourd
became the symbol of healers everywhere
and in the end
i’m not really sure
if there was ever a chance
that chang-fang was gonna be an immortal
or if that whole poop mountain thing
was just that asshole immortal’s idea
of a really great prank
which just goes to show
that you should never eat poop
or the maggots that live in poop
no matter who tells you to
or what they are offering you
just to be safe

The end.

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