The Aeneid: The Iliad, but with more war (Part 2)

Alright so
when last we left our hero
he was finally getting his ass over to italy
BUT NOT SO FAST
because FIRST
he has to go
TO HELLLLLL
to see his dad so his dad can tell him about the future
this is not as easy as it sounds
and it does not sound easy

basically in order to prove that the fates want Aeneis in hades
he has to go into some nearby forest
and find this golden branch
and pull it off the tree it’s growing out of
and then give it to Charon
the boatguy of the damned
and then and only then does he get to fraternize with corpses
so he does all that shit
with the help of holy doves
and he goes to Charon like sup dude can you take me to hades
and charon is like bitch you best step off
and Aeneas is like how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIG
and charon is like oh shit fine

so than Aeneas is in hell
and who does he see
but DIDO
cause she KILLED HERSELF OVER HIM
so he feels kind of bad about that
but anyway he finds his dad
and then he is like sup dad did you wanna tell me something
that you could not have just told me
when you showed up as a ghost earler?
and his dad is like not really son
i just wanted to tell you some facts about hell
also your descendants are going to found rome
and it’s going to be a great empire and whatnot
because this book is basically a propaganda piece
for the great roman empire
did i already how tell you how great caesar is going to be
he’s going to be a pretty great dude no lie

so after Aeneas is done with all THAT bullshit
it is time for him to get more of his men murdered
so first off he and his men are sitting on the shores of italy
like damn we are hungry
let’s eat some fruit
using all of this awful rock hard bread as tables
oh man that fruit was nowhere near enough food
how about we eat our breadtables
OH SNAP
THE HARPY’S CURSE JUST CAME TRUE
WE JUST GOT SO HUNGRY WE ATE OUR TABLES
THAT WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS WE EXPECTED
KIND OF FEEL GYPPED NOW GUYS
so that’s one obstacle down

but then they still gotta found their kingdom and everything
so they go hit up this dude Latinus
king of the latins
and also his daughter
Lavinia
and they are like hey can we chill for a while
and Latinus is like sure guys no problem
how about you just marry my daughter too while you’re at it
because see
Latinius heard a prophecy
all like “FOREIGN ARMY GONNA CONQUER YOUR KINGDOM SON”
and he was like shit i better ask the oracle to clarify this
because everyone knows that is exactly what oracles do
they clarify things
so basically the oracle is like HEY HEY
YOU SHOULD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER OFF TO AENEAS
NOT TURNUS
WHO IS A GOOD FRIEND OF YOUR KINGDOM
AND HAS BEEN COURTING HER
FOR YEARS
YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRS
so Latinus is like sure no problem
and that is what he does

but NOT SO FAST, SUGARTITS
remember Juno?
she is not ABOUT to let anyone be happy just yet
i mean this is only book 7
there are 12 books
what the fuck do you think is going to happen in the next five
sewing circle?
FAT CHANCE
man having read this fucking legend
i really wish it had just ended here
reading the Aeneid was not a pleasant experience for me

so ok what happens next
is Juno sends this fury Allecto
to go piss off Latinus’s wife Amata
by wrapping a snake around her legs or something
so she is all like BLUH BLUH KILL AENEAS
and then Juno also tricks one of Aeneas’s dudes
into killing Turnus’s favorite stag accidentally
which is apparently enough reason
for shepherds to start murdering the FUCK out of Aeneas’s dudes
and from that point it’s just a nonstop avalance of murder
for like 5 books
wait 4 books
yeah that’s right
the murder does not stop until the VERY LAST PAGE
and actually
(SPOILER ALERT)
it doesn’t even stop then
you have to turn to the page after the last page
like
the acknowledgements
although depending on the edition you’re reading
there might be murder in the acknowledgements too
your best bet is to find one of the blank pages
they always leave in the front and back of books
presumably for people like me to draw dicks on
i’ve been experimenting with these for YEARS and i have found NO OTHER USE FOR THEM

so yeah then a war happens
Turnus is especially excited about this
since Aeneas was poised to snatch his woman
but really everyone is jazzed about special murder time
with the notable exception
of king Latinus
but finally
after a lot of yelling
he is just like CHRIST GUYS GET OFF MY DICK
I’M GOING TO SLEEP DO WHAT YOU WANT
so war
yes

first thing Aeneas does is run away
now to be fair
he is running away to get reinforcements
but that is not going to stop me
from calling him a pussy
so he goes to a place called Latium
and gets him some Latiums
and then he sails his ass all the way to Arcadia
where this king Evander guy
is like YEAH SURE WE’LL HELP YOU KILL LATINS
BUT FIRST LET US FEAST
NOT LIKE YOU’VE GOT ANY TIME PRESSURE OR ANYTHING
so they feast
and shoot the shit for a while
and then suddenly remember OH SHIT WE NEED TO GO FIGHT LATINS
and they raise an army of several thousand
but there are too many dudes for Aeneas’s boats
so they have to walk
which SUCKS

meanwhile Venus is like hey Vulcan
(Hephaestus)
make our kid Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like hold on
how do I know that’s even my son
and Venus is like come on i’m your wife
and Vulcan is like you’re also a WHORE
and Venus is like i’ll suck your dick if you make Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like now THAT’S what i pay you for
(why did he marry her?)
so Aeneas is on his way back to the war
when venus shows up like HEY SON
GOT YOU SOME ARMOR
IT’S GOT THE HISTORY OF ROME ON IT
PRETTY SWEET HUH

meanwhile Turnus is like hey Aeneas is gone
how about we kill all his dudes
so he leads his army over to their camp
but he can’t find a way in
so he just sets their ships on fire
but PLOT TWIST
turns out the boats are made of sacred wood
so instead of catching on fire
they dive under the water and turn into NYMPHS
BOOYAH
at which point Turnus is just like fuck this
SIEGETIME

so the Trojans are well fucked at this point
and decide their best bet is to get word to Aeneas
so they get these two dudes
Nisus and Eurylaus
to sneak out and get Aeneas
but apparently they confuse “sneak out and get Aeneas”
with “kill as many Latins as possible
until they hear the sound of your massive lootbag
and cut off your heads
and parade them on stakes in front of the Trojan camp”
these guys are not great at following directions
so then the Latins decide to attack
they manage to collapse a tower
but then the Trojans charge out of the fort like YAAA
and kill a bunch of dudes
then Turnus kills a bunch of dudes
and gets inside the city
but there’s too many dudes in there
so he has to jump in the river and float to safety
WHY DO THE LATINS NOT JUST SWIM IN THROUGH THE RIVER

Meanwhile Jupiter is watching this shit happen
like what the fuck Juno
what did you do
Just stop, ok?
please just stop
and Juno is like psh fine
i guess enough people have died
and will continue to die
as a result of my dickery

then Aeneas gets a boat
and arrives at the battle
and everyone kills each other a whole bunch
mainly Aeneas kills everyone
but also Turnus kills Pallas
who is the son of Evander
who Aeneas was specifically supposed to protect
and he gets REALLY PISSED OFF
(kind of like Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliad
kind of EXACTLY LIKE ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS IN THE ILIAD)
and he kills even MORE dudes
pretty much singlehandedly winning the battle
like i don’t even know why he brought dudes with him
this guy is a one man meatgrinder

so at this point Juno is like can i please just make Turnus not die
and Jupiter is like psh fine i guess
so Juno makes Turnus hallucinate SO HARD
he chases what he thinks is Aeneas onto a boat
and then the boat sails away
good luck explaining that later asshole

so then everyone is pretty tired of war for the next 12 days
and basically just dick around
you know
BURYING THEIR MOUNDS OF DEAD
and during this time king Latinus is also kind of like hey guys
we’re losing this war
harder than anyone has ever lost a war
and that is a tall order
considering the trojan war just fucking happened
can we just cede some territory and bow out of this murderfest?
and Turnus is like PUSSY
and Latinus is like oh yeah tough guy
howsabout dueling Aeneas to end this shit for good
and Turnus is like NO TIME GOTTA GO FIGHT MORE TROJANS
cause see the trojans are on their way right at that very moment
to fuck Lavinium down around the Latins’ ears
and then fuck their ears

so along with the great warrior maiden Camilla
Turnus rides out to
you guessed it
murder more dudes
but Camilla is murdering EVEN MORE DUDES
MORE DUDES THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
until she sees something shiny
and gets herself stabbed trying to get it
The Aeneid:
Most crucial piece of feminist literature ever?
anyway it’s all downhill from there
and basically the Latins end up cowering in their city
wishing they had never listened to Turnus

well Turnus finally decides to take responsibility for his actions
and duel Aeneas for all the marbles
those marbles being Lavinia’s tits
but Juno gets all worried
cuz she knows Aeneas is way better at killing than Turnus is
so remember when Juno promised not to interfere anymore?
well FUCK THAT SHIT
SHE’S A GODDESS
SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS
she hits up Turnus’s sister Juturna
like hey chick
get war started again so Turnus doesn’t have to die in this duel
come on
you have the power
to replace Turnus’s death
with a thousand pointless deaths
and Juturna is like I’LL DO IT
so she dresses up like a noble
and goes over to the Latin soldiers
like hey
hey
i bet you could win right now
if you all just threw your spears
look
they are totally not expecting you to do this
because they are HONORABLE FUCKING PEOPLE
so a Latin dude throws his spear
and then all hell breaks loose
for like the FOURTEENTH TIME
and when the smoke clears
Aeneas has been shot in the leg
and Amata has been shot in the leg
and a bunch of dudes..
well
they have been killed
and we are back to square one
with Turnus challenging Aeneas to a duel again

so this time they actually fight
and Aeneas seems to have somehow acquired Turnus’s ass
at some earlier time
because during this battle
he HANDS IT TO HIM
and turnus is lying on the ground
like please Aeneas
don’t chop off my head
you can have Lavinia and everything it’s fine
i would just like to keep my head exactly where it is on my body
and Aeneas is like nope
and kills him

and that ends the story of Aeneas
which is basically just a combination of the Odyssey and Iliad
with most of the names changed
and less mercy
and a lot more hailing of Caesar and the Roman empire
so the moral of the story is
plagiarism is wrong
unless it’s government sponsored plagiarism

good luck on your term papers guys.

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3 thoughts on “The Aeneid: The Iliad, but with more war (Part 2)

  1. hahahaha i found this like a month after i actually read the aeneid for class and i love it! you're the best ever

  2. "how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIG" sounds like a great phallically-based insult that I ought to use more often

  3. I do not even know with incredibly blog greatly that warned me. Thank you “Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.” – Plato

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