Okay so there’s this train
actually, it is just the front of a train
i think it is called a steam engine or a mechano-bear or something
but this engine has a problem
it is REALLY SMALL
and that wouldn’t be so bad
except it also has FEELINGS
and FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
and this shit is getting too real for me
trains can think now?
trains are people?
if I’m inside a train, does that mean I am getting digested?
is everyone who has ever ridden Amtrak secretly just TRAIN POOP?
Put these questions out of your minds, my friends
they will interfere with the enjoyment of this story
so we’re just going along with the whole talking trains thing
and one day
at the train place
there is this big long train
but without the steam engine part
just the back part of the train with all the zoo animals in it
or whatever else they put in trains that is less cool than zoo animals
and this train is like HEY ENGINES
WHO WANTS TO TOW ME UP THAT MASSIVE HILL OVER THERE
and at first it is addressing this question to one of the bigass freight engines
one of the ones that comes equipped with like ONE HO-JILLION BEARPOWER
but that engine is just like NO WAY DUDE
I JUST CLOCKED OUT
I AM ABOUT TO GO HOME
GET A NICE SCRUB-DOWN
AND GET BUSY WITH MY TRAIN-WIFE
holy shit guys
I know I said I wasn’t gonna bring up the whole anthropomorphic train thing again
but does this mean that train crashes are actually train SEX?
WHY DO SO MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE FOR YOUR PLEASURE, DEMON TRAINS
IS THE LOVE TRAIN STILL THE LOVE TRAIN IF THE TRACKS ARE SMEARED WITH BLOOD????
then the traincars turn to ANOTHER bigass engine
like hey handsome
I bet YOU want to tow me up that hill
but that engine is WAYYY POOPED
so he is just like fuck no
did I say HE?
How can you tell whether a train is a dude or a chick?
is there such a thing as trainballs?
WHERE DOES IT END????
no no okay shhhh
so finally the traincars turn to this tiny little engine i introduced at the beginning of the story
and the traincars are like okay you puny bastard
do you want to tow me up that hill?
and the little engine is like DO I?
so he gets his little caboose all hooked up
and he starts chugging along
right up that hill
but here’s the thing
this dude is TINY
this is not what he was built for
but that is okay
because what he lacks in technical specifications
he more than makes up for in GUMPTION
GUMPTION IS NOT A QUALITY TRAINS CAN HAVE
THEY ARE MACHINES
I DO NOT GO INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP AND SAY
WELL THIS CAR LOOKS GOOD BUT HOW MUCH GUMPTION DOES IT HAVE
but no one told that to this little engine apparently
because it is just chuffing the fuck out of this upward slope
muttering an inspirational phrase to itself
from the self-actualization class it enrolled in
because an inferiority complex brought on by its size
if it can have gumption it can sure as shit have psychological disorders
so the train is huffing and puffing and muttering
“I think i can i think i can i think i can i think i can”
NO YOU DON’T
YOU ARE A TRAIN
YOU CANNOT THINK
YOUR MENTAL PROCESSES ARE LIMITED TO A CEASELESS HUNGER FOR COAL
AND THE CAPACITY TO SHOVE ERRANT COWS OUT OF YOUR PATH
but holy christ on a gravyboat
apparently this shit ACTUALLY WORKS
the train gets up over the top of the hill
and then it’s coasting on down the other side
like “FUCK YEAH I KNEW IT”
and then the zoo animals get to the zoo on time and the children are pleased
so the moral of the story
is do not ride trains, because it is gross