So there’s this hen
this hen has three traits:
and FUCKING INSUFFERABLE
as our story opens
she is busy finding some wheat seeds all over the ground
but instead of eating them
like hens are supposed to
she picks them up with her nonexistant opposable thumbs
and lugs them all the way back to the farm where she lives
so she can show them to her friends
her friends are as follows:
A lazy dog
a sleepy cat
and a noisy duck
in other words
animals behaving like animals are supposed to behave
and all of a sudden here comes this hen like GUYS GUYS GUYS I GOT SOME WHEAT SEEDS
WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME PLANT THIS WHEAT
and the dog is like what? no.
and the cat is like how would we even do that? we are animals.
and the duck is like YOU CANNOT BE LOUDER THAN ME I AM THE NOISY DUCK.
so the hen is like FINE
I WILL PLANT IT MYSELF
and somehow she does that
so then she waits for several months for this wheat to grow
i do not know how many months specifically
i am not a farm guy
and also i think it depends on what time of year
but no matter what it is an amount of time far longer than a hen is able to conceptualize
so one day this hen is walking along and she’s like HOLY SHIT
I FOUND SOME WHEAT
WHO IS GOING TO HELP ME HARVEST THE WHEAT?
and the dog is like uhhhh, not it.
and the cat is like maybe try the farmer? I hear he has thumbs.
and the duck is like QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK THEY CALL ME THE NOISY DUCK
So the hen once again pulls some kind of crazy witchcraft
which allows her to harvest the wheat
and then she’s like HUFF HUFF
I HAVE HARVESTED THE WHEAT
WHO WANTS TO HELP ME TAKE IT TO THE MILL TO GET IT GROUND INTO FLOWER
and the dog is like wow, that sounds like pretty much the worst thing I could do.
and the cat is like don’t they have trucks for that kind of shit?
and the duck is like BEING LOUD IS ALL I HAVE AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME
so the little red hen travels all across the country
trying to find a mill that will accept wheat from a crazy talking hen
and finally she finds one
pays the miller with her invisible hen-money
and then lugs the bag of flour all the way back to the farm
and she’s like OKAY, GUYS
I HAVE THE FLOUR
PEOPLE LIKE BAKING, RIGHT?
THAT IS A THING THAT PEOPLE LIKE, ISN’T IT?
SOMEBODY HELP ME MAKE THIS WHEAT INTO FUCKING BREAD ALREADY
and the dog is like I would love to except i just discovered heroin
and the cat is like I try to make a policy out of not hanging around red-hot ovens
and the duck is like HEN
IF YOU DO NOT STOP SHOUTING I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SKULL AND USE IT TO MAKE A FUCKING MEGAPHONE
so the hen bakes the bread
i am not even going to theorize about how she does it
and the bread comes out of the oven all piping hot and delicious
and she is like OKAY GUYS, WHO WANTS TO HELP ME EAT THIS BREAD
and the dog doesn’t say anything because of the heroin
and the cat is like I’m not even sure i can digest bread
and the duck is like BITCH YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE
THEN I AM COMING OVER THERE AND SEWING UP YOUR FACE
and the hen is like HAHA WELL YOU DIDN’T HELP ME MAKE THE BREAD
SO NOW YOU DON’T GET TO HELP ME EAT IT EITHER
then she eats an entire loaf of bread all by herself
and probably dies because that is too much bread for a hen
and then the farmer comes out and feeds all the other animals
because they live on a FARM and that is how farms WORK
so the moral of the story
is that agriculture is for jerks