The Nutcracker is a Total Head Trip

For some reason I keep getting reminded of this story
so now I’ma tell it to you
BOOM

So it’s christmas
and this family is getting presents
there are all these kids and shit
but the only people who really matter
are this girl named Mary
and her creepy magic uncle Drosselmeier
Drosselmeier shows up at the party with a present for the kids
the present
is a WHOLE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
that Drosselmeier built HIMSELF
because he is a BOSS
so Mary is pretty jazzed about this
but she is even more jazzed about this regular-ass nutcracker
which isn’t even a present for her specifically
but actually one of those cheapass gifts that people give “to the whole family”

that’s right
this girl thinks a dumb wooden dude who can break nuts in his mouth
is more fun than an ENTIRE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
this girl is not my kind of girl, let me just say that right now.

So anyway, all the kids get in this big fight over the nutcracker
but Mary is clearly the most responsible out of all of them
so she gets put in charge of all the nutcracking
and then they proceed to crack nuts with the nutcracker
until the nutcracker cracks from excessive nut cracking

NUTS

So Mary is sad about this, but fuck it, who cares
she’s just some dumb kid
but so she ends up staying up late staring at this nutcracker
and it sorta turns into a tiny dude for a second, which freaks her out
and then the clock strikes midnight
and creepy uncle Drosselmeier is hanging out on top of the clock
like some kinda crazy time gargoyle
and then ALL THE SHIT HITS EVERY SINGLE FAN
cause like BOOM
RATS
ALL UP IN THE ROOM
and one of the rats has SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so Mary flips out, obviously
and she falls over and busts open the glass toy cabinet with her elbow
and then the nutcracker is like FUCK THIS
only his jaw is broken so it’s more like FFUTH VISH
and he runs into the toy cabinet
and leads an all out toy rebellion up in those rats
except the toys are just some dumb toys
whereas the rats are AN ARMY OF GODDAMN RATS
AND ONE OF THEM HAS SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so things are going pretty bad for the toys until Mary throws a shoe at the rat king
then she passes out from blood loss
cause remember
she just put her fucking elbow through a glass door.

So when she wakes up she tries to tell everyone what happened
but let’s face it
it’s a pretty dumb story
so everybody just figures Drosselmeier got her wasted at the party or something
but Drosselmeier, for his part
sits down with Mary to fix her nutcracker
and tell her the story of KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
(which is also apparently the story of why nutcrackers look so fucked up)

okay so basically what happens in the story
is there is this queen and she is making sausages
because apparently she is a pretty poor queen who cannot afford a cook
but then this other queen shows up
and this queen is the queen of the RATS
and she is like “Yo queen
I am also a queen
we are basically like sisters
you should let me eat all the lard for your sausages”
and the queen is like “THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE”
so the rat queen and her babies eat all the sausage lard
and then the king comes home
and the queen is like “hey honey, I know you were looking forward to some sausage
but I thought maybe tonight we could try … a salad?”
and the king is like “NOOOOOO FUCK THAT GIVE ME SAUSAGES”
and the queen is like “Uhh the rat queen sort of ate them”
and the king is like “SCANDAL! SHE MUST BE STOPPED!
DROSSELMEIER!”
and Drosselmeier shows up inside his own story like “sup”
and the king is like “Oh man Drosselmeier
it’s a good thing you’re in this story
I need you to use your mad inventing skills
to build me THE ULTIMATE MOUSETRAP
put some robots in it, and some flamethrowers
put some cheese covered in rat pheremones
those rats won’t know whether to eat that cheese or fuck it
and while they are confused, we can hit them with hammers!”
and Drosselmeier is like “I will build you a mousetrap
but I might not take all of these suggestions you are giving me”

so Drosselmeier builds a better mousetrap
wait what am i saying
dude builds THE BEST mousetrap
and it is pretty much like a rat massacre up in the castle
for weeks and weeks
until the rat queen is like “Okay, that’s enough
time to retaliate for this mechanical genocide
with CURSES!
Hey king!
KING!
I’m gonna curse your daughter and make her be super ugly!”
and the king is like “OH FUCK
I’m really shallow
I don’t know if I would be able to love an ugly daughter.
THE MOUSE QUEEN MUST BE STOPPED”
So what he does is he buys like a hundred cats
and he puts them around his daughter’s crib
(oh by the way, his daughter is named Pirlipat
which is not the kind of thing you name a person who you don’t want to be ugly)
and he hires all these nurses to constantly pet these cats so the cats stay awake
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is that he doesn’t hire anyone to constantly pet the NURSES
so all the nurses fall asleep
and then the cats fall asleep
and then the rat queen
(whose name is Mouserinks
which again, is not a name for a good-looking person
but she’s a rat so it works
although it doesn’t work TOO well because she’s a RAT not a MOUSE)
rolls on in and puts her ugly curse on Pirlipat

so the king comes in in the morning
and he finds his daughter
with a big creepy grin on her face
and a cottony beard
and he’s like “DROSSELMEIER
COME FIX MY DAUGHTER’S FACE”
and Drosselmeier is like “well that’s not really my area of expertise
I mean I could build a robot to impersonate your daughter’s face
but somehow I don’t think that’s what you want”
and the king is like “FUCK YOU, FIX THIS ANYWAY”
so Drosselmeier goes out hunting for a cure for butterface

he searches for a whole month and doesn’t find shit
and finally he just gets sick of failing and calls up an astrologer
and the astrologer is like “Dude, it’s simple
the princess can only be cured of her ugly
by eating the meat of the nut KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
and the nut must be cracked and handed to her
by a man who has never shaved or worn boots in his life
and after he feeds it to her
he’s gotta take seven steps backwards with his eyes closed
WITHOUT STUMBLING AT ALL.
I mean it’s pretty much just common sense is what I’m saying.”

So Drosselmeier and the Astrologer go out looking for KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
they go out looking for many many years
and finally it turns out it was just in some thrift store down the street
and also the man mentioned in the prophecy is Drosselmeier’s nephew
which you’d think he might have thought of in the first place
unless he mistook his no-shaving, no-shoe-wearing nephew for a bear or something

oh and the king has totally promised the princess’s hand in marriage
to whichever dude can crack the nut with his teeth
so dudes are spitting out teeth like a toddler spits out antifreeze:
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
man, I gotta stop saying shit like that
anyway, then Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew, Hippie McBearpants
and Bearpants cracks the nut no problem
hands it to Pirlipat
then he starts walking backwards
he takes one step
two
three
four
five
six
OH SHIT HERE COMES THE RAT QUEEN
FUCKING SHIT UP AS USUAL
and the dude trips
and then the curse flies across the room and sticks to HIS face
so at least the cottony beard is gender appropriate now
but that’s a small consolation
because now this dude is so ugly that Pirlipat refuses to marry him
and so he is cursed to be ugly FOREVER
and I guess that’s where nutcrackers come from?

so that’s a nice story
and now the nutcracker is fixed
and Drosselmeier goes home
and Mary goes to bed
but then in the middle of the night she wakes up
only to hear the seven-headed rat king whispering in her ear
like “hey girl come over here, lemme whisper in your ear
lemme tell you something that you might like to hear:

I’ll bite your nutcracker in half from his teeth to his taint”
and mary is like “WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THAT”
but then she gives the rat king a bunch of candy so he goes away

but then what do you think he does?
he KEEPS DOING THAT SHIT
all the time
until finally the nutcracker is like “FUCK THIS
GET ME A TINY SWORD”
so Mary borrows one from her bro
and then the nutcracker just kills that mouse king
and brings back all seven of his crowns as proof
and then she is so happy to be rid of creepy rat voices
that she looks at the nutcracker and she is like “dude
I don’t care how ugly you are
I would still totally do you
that princess pirlipat was a biiiiiitch”
and BAM
all of a sudden Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew
who now magically does not look like a nutcracker anymore
but there is nothing to indicate that he has shaved or started wearing shoes?
but anyway Drosselmeier is like CONGRATULATIONS
YOU JUST WISHED SO HARD YOU BROKE THE FRAME NARRATIVE
HERE, HAVE A MARRIAGE
and then they get married
completely fucking with my preconception of how old Mary was

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need to actually go outside to find your soulmate
just profess your undying love to your action figures
and let the hotties come to YOU

THE END.

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12 thoughts on “The Nutcracker is a Total Head Trip

  1. Ugh man, better go and try and find a Nightwing action figure and just sit there and profess my undying love to it.

    Because as we all know, Dick Grayson falls into the hot category quite well

  2. The battle with the seven headed rat king was a little anticlimactic. I read “Seven Headed Rat King,” I expect some serious Jet Li elven kung fu shit to go down.

  3. There’s a German myth somewhere about an owl ripping a little girl’s eyes out that would be interesting to read from you… (that sounds less horrible in my head)

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