The Thing at the Doorstep Would be a Good Porn Title

Someone suggested I tell a myth about Shoggoths
and while Shoggoths are only tangentially involved in this story
I just said the word Shoggoth three times in three lines
and the funniest thing about Shoggoths is their name, so you’re welcome
(Shoggoth)

So
like all of lovecraft’s stories, this one begins with a disclaimer from the narrator:
DISCLAIMER:
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY IS MIND-SHATTERINGLY HORRIBLE
MY MIND IS SHATTERED
PROBABLY YOURS WILL BE TOO IF YOU READ THIS
SO UH
SORRY?

In fact the narrator (whose name is Dan, for what it’s worth)
has had his mind shattered to such a degree
that he just got home from shooting his best pal in the head SIX TIMES
his only regret?
THAT HE DID NOT ALSO SET THE BODY ON FIRE
so guys
this is your last chance
stop reading this story now
or else shoot your friends and maybe burn their bodies

yall still reading?
yeah
that’s because these disclaimers NEVER FUCKING WORK
SO ANYWAY

the friend that Dan just shot is named Edward
he’s eight years younger than Dan
and he’s been writing creepy-assed poetry since he was eight years old.
that was how old he was when he met Dan
who had such a DEEP NEED FOR CREEPY POETRY
that the two were bosom buddies from that point on
but there is a big difference between Ed and Dan
the difference is that while Dan is capable of doing normal people things
(going to school for architecture, getting married to a human, having human children)
Edward seems to only be capable of going to the local university
and reading creepy-assed books in the creepy-assed basement
he doesn’t even have any social skills to speak of
due to the fact that he spent basically 100% of his formative years with his mom
and thus never had to interact with any real people because moms don’t count
(sorry, mom)

but actually I exaggerated about the no social skills
it turns out Ed is just a late bloomer
about TWENTY YEARS late
as in, when he turns forty
(and his mom dies, which obviously does wonders for his social life
because moms are terrible and they will destroy you
{sorry mom})
he starts hanging out at the university
with the students
who are half his age.
I was about to say this was creepy behavior
but this is a guy who has lived and breathed creepy for forty-one years
and has a literature degree on top of that
so maybe it’s just performance art

except no
no it’s not
because Eddie falls genuinely, completely in love with this chick Asenath
who is clearly, irredeemably evil

first of all
her name
is ASENATH
when have you ever met someone named Asenath who wasn’t evil?
Come to think of it, when have you ever met someone named Asenath at all?
This should have immediately clued Edward in to the fact that he was in a Lovecraft story
which might have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Second of all
her dad is (was, cuz he’s dead) a notorious wizard from a town nobody likes
(because this is new england and and wizards are lower-class)
and his mom was a mysterious lady who never took off her veil
which means she’s probably an evil fish person or something
or else just a practicing muslim
which is even worse if you’re in a lovecraft story

finally
(and this is just a minor detail)
Asenath has demonstrated a startling ability to SWITCH BODIES WITH PEOPLE FOR NO REASON
also she can call up thunderstorms and make dogs bark at will
plus she’s constantly complaining about how she doesn’t have a man’s brain
and if she had a man’s brain (with all the magical powers men’s brains apparently possess
like the ability to get boners for no fucking reason
and the loss of the ability to reason when boners)
she could be an even better wizard than her dad
so not only is she a witch
but she’s a fucking BIGOT
like okay, I get it
the end of witch-burning was a big step forward for new england as a whole
but some people are just begging to get set on fire

That’s not what Edward thinks, though
he thinks Asenath is THE BEE’S KNEES
and you know what, he’s right
she IS the bee’s knees
that is, she is the the seemingly innocuous mechanism that allows STINGING INSECTS to WALK AROUND ON YOUR SKIN

because, see, as soon as they’re married
(oh yeah, they got married
because duh, why not marry an evil hypnotist)
Edward starts spending a lot less time hanging with his friend Dan
and a lot more time driving randomly around the countryside
with a look of EXTREME CONFIDENCE ON HIS FACE
which is weird, because Ed never learned how to drive
but I guess they didn’t need driver’s licenses back in the day so it’s cool

So Dan, being a highly intelligent gentleman
immediately guesses what the problem is
clearly the problem is that Ed is overly sweet on his sinister honey
and forgotten the immutable code of bros before hos
BUT THAT IS WRONG
THAT IS NOT WHAT HAS HAPPENED
actually what has happened is that Asenath
(SERIOUSLY, THAT NAME)
has been using her aforementioned BODY-SWITCHING POWERS
to repeatedly take over his body
and then use his man-brain to go meet with SHOGGOTHS
(there, I told you there were shoggoths
oh what, you want to know what shoggoths are?
fine okay
shoggoths are basically the kool-aid man
except instead of a glass body full of fruit punch
they have a gelatinous body covered in thousands of temporary eyes
and instead of busting through the walls of your house
and providing you with aforementioned fruit punch
they bust through the walls of your DIMENSION
and provide you with LIMITLESS HORROR
the analogy is perfect)

but one day Asenath goes too far
and she loses control of Ed while he’s out in some horrible woods
and Dan has to go pick him up
and Ed is like DUDE
MY WIFE HAS BEEN USING MY BODY FOR EVIL
and Dan is like ha ha bro you don’t gotta tell me
I know all about the birds and the bees
and Ed is like NO DAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
THAT BITCH IS THE BEE’S KNEES
and Dan is like haha i getcha I getcha
whatever you’re into
and Edward is like I AM NOT INTO THIS
I AM NOT INTO THIS AT ALLLLi mean hello Dan
it is I, Edward
definitely not Asenath controlling Edward’s body
pardon me while I steal your car and drive us back to my house
nothing to worry about
everything is normal
and Dan is like Phew
glad that everything is normal.

Dan
Dan, it’s me, the guy telling the story
everything is NOT normal, Dan
it is very obviously not normal
what’s it gonna take, buddy?
is Edward gonna have to murder his wife
and then bury her in the basement
and then go crazy so you have to put him in a mental hospital
and then get possessed by his now-dead wife
and trapped in his dead wife’s corpse
which he uses to dig himself out of the basement
call you on the phone unsuccessfully
and then write a long letter explaining all of this
and hand-deliver it to your door before collapsing in a pile of goo and organs?
IS THAT WHAT IT’S GONNA TAKE, DAN?
BECAUSE GOD HELP ME I WILL MAKE ALL OF THAT HAPPEN IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

turns out that’s exactly what it takes
and when Dan finally gets over being fucking terrified by the oozy corpse letter
he does the only reasonable thing
which is to go to the mental hospital
and shoot Ed like six times
and then come back home and write this story
to explain what he did
and ask that the city please set ed’s body on fire
to keep Asenath’s spirit
(which is actually her dad’s evil ghost)
from possessing anybody else

then I guess Dan sends his letter to the Arkham Daily Herald or whatever
and H.P. Lovecraft steals it and makes it into an award-winning short story

so the moral of the story
is that it’s only okay to be sexist if you’re a witch
and even then you’ll probably get shot

the end.

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3 thoughts on “The Thing at the Doorstep Would be a Good Porn Title

  1. Stupid shoggoths…

    I can’t read about shoggoths without thinking that, which is from a short noir-parody story set in the Cthulhu multiverse. I wish I could remember more ’cause it was awesome. :)

  2. Asenath is the name of Joseph’s wife (he of the technicolor dreamcoat). Which is not that bad of a name when you consider that Joseph’s Egyptian name was Zaphenath-paneah.

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