The Wizard of Oz is an Exercise in Futility

So Dorothy

She’s real bored
and she lives in a monochromatic version of Kansas
Her last name is Gale
This is what is known as foreshadowing
because pretty much immediately this storm starts happening
as storms tend to do in Kansas
it rips up all the animals and kills her family
and then tears her house out of the ground and throws witches at it until it crashes
and then Dorothy wakes up and walks outside into a TECHNICOLOR WONDERLAND
this wonderland is full of midgets
and Dorothy has inadvertently murdered an old woman
whose shoes she is encouraged to steal
and this is all pretty disconcerting
so she asks the midgets if they know how to get back to Kansas
and they’re like OH SURE
JUST WALK ON THIS ROAD MADE OUT OF YELLOW BRICKS
and Dorothy is like oh well that’s convenient
does it lead back to Kansas?
and they’re like NOPE
IT LEADS TO A HUGE EMERALD CASTLE
OWNED BY A SHADY-ASS WIZARD
WHO WILL PROBABLY FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO TELEPORT YOU HOME OR SOMETHING
SORRY
THAT IS THE BEST WE’VE GOT
WE ARE A COMMUNITY OF BLUE MIDGETS WITH A GOVERNMENT THAT INCLUDES A LOLLIPOP GUILD
WE ARE NOT EXPERT CIVIL ENGINEERS

so since she pretty much has no other option
Dorothy sucks it up and starts walking down this crazy road
oh, also there is a good witch that blesses her or something?
whatever
anyway, pretty soon she runs into this scarecrow
who is REALLY BAD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS
and also can talk
and is severely depressed because he has no brain
although how is that possible
and also
HOLY SHIT A TALKING SCARECROW
jesus
anyway he agrees to come with Dorothy to see the wizard
because if the wizard has teleportation powers
he probably also has brain-transplanting powers
so they walk for a while
and the conversation kinda drags a little because hey
no brain

so they keep walking and pretty soon they run into this robot
the robot is rusted real bad
so he can’t move basically at all
but there’s some oil nearby
which they apply to the robot
and then the robot wakes up like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN UNSPEAKABLE HELL
I WAS THERE FOR LIKE 11 MILLION YEARS
AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY DEVOUR ALL OF A MAN’S COMPASSION
AND I’M NOT EVEN A MAN
I DIDN’T HAVE COMPASSION TO BEGIN WITH
SO NOW I HAVE LIKE
NEGATIVE COMPASSION
I EXIST ONLY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF PURE UNBLINKING HATRED
I AM A TOOL OF A COLD STEEL SATAN IN A TITANIUM HELL
and Dorothy is like holy shit dude
you better come with us and see if the wizard can give you a heart or something
and the tin man is like GOOD
I DEVOUR HEARTS

so they roll out
and pretty soon they are passing through some spooky woods
and BAM
here comes a lion
except bam is not a sound lions make
more like GRUUUUARGH
except more like OH SHIT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFRAID RIGHT NOWWWWWW
because this is no ordinary lion
this is a lion with PTSD
i mean if you think about it
lions see some pretty fucked up shit
sometimes the lions are the ones DOING the fucked up shit
which is probably even worse
so this lion is a shell-shocked wreck
he basically lunges into the clearing just in time to start pissing himself
and Dorothea is like uh ok eww
um
we’re going to a wizard?
maybe he can give you some balls?
and the lion is like I WILL GO WHEREVER YOU SAY JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

so now dorothea’s rolling along with a lobotomy patient, a sociopath and a lion
and also some jerk witch has been fucking with them this whole time
like setting them on fire and laughing her dumb witch laugh
and peering at them through her crystal ball like that evil chick from Power Rangers
until finally she just says fuck it
and just kidnaps everyone with flying monkeys
or maybe she steals something later in the story and they have to go get it?
I forget
the book and the movie are wildly different on this point
and then someone wrote another book that was like
despicable pro-witch propaganda or some shit
further confusing the point
which is
that Dorothea straight handles with witch
by like filling up a bathtub
but then fucking up while she’s filling it
and accidentally splashing water on the witch
because I guess she’s working for the witch or something?
and then the witch melts
because apparently she is made of cotton candy
which i suppose is a point in favor of her not being evil
but also raises the question:
HOW DID SHE LIVE THIS LONG????
1) Water is literally EVERYWHERE
2) Cotton candy is DELICIOUS
but anyway she’s dead now
we can get back to the story

SO THEY GET BACK ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
and pretty soon they are in this big field full of poppies
which are famous for their super delicious opium
and they are like wading through these poppies
and just getting SO FUCKED UP
except just Dorothea and the lion
the Tin man and the scarecrow are constructs with no soul
plus they party harder than pretty much any living creature
so they are more or less unfazed
and they end up getting saddled with the task
of dragging Dorothea’s sweet zonked-out ass to safety
AND THEN THEY GET TO THAT EMERALD PLACE

so the emerald city is pretty sweet
it’s got like rainbow horses and more midgets and expert hair stylists
and also
THIS WIZARD THEY’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
but it turns out this wizard is just a giant green head projected on some crystals
so basically like Zordon from the power rangers
in fact I’m pretty sure this story is just a cover of the power rangers
but anyway then it turns out he’s not even THAT
like, he’s being all snarky with his giant head
and then they run up and break his crystals and shit
and it turns out he’s just some balding motherfucker in a sound booth
pulling levers and shooting out flares and yelling about how great he is
and they’re like aww man
talk about disappointing
and the guy is like no, no, no
it’s totally cool guys
I can definitely solve all your problems
you
Scarecrow:
you are a scarecrow
you are not supposed to have a brain
that would be weird
and in fact
the fact that you walked all the way here
and are capable of making any semblance of conversation
is pretty remarkable/terrifying on its own
so I think you’re coming out ahead of the game
and you
Lion:
DRUG THERAPY!
and you
Tin Man:
you are a horrifying monstrosity of modern engineering
uh
you can kill all my midgets
I’m about to skip out of town anyway
on this hot air balloon I have
which I guess solves Dorothea’s problem
because we are about to totally balloon our way out of this technicolor crazyland

so they get on the balloon
or rather
the dude gets on the balloon
but he sucks at balloons
so Dorothea gets totally left behind
and she’s like aw fuck
now what
and the midgets
(at least the ones the tin man has not already destroyed)
are like HEY REMEMBER THAT GOOD FAIRY WITCH FROM THE BEGINNING
YOU SHOULD ASK HER
and so the good witch appears
and Dorothea is like sup witch
and the witch is like hey so remember those shoes you stole way back at the beginning
those are teleport shoes
they will teleport you to your house
and Dorothea is like SERIOUSLY?
YOU’RE TELLING ME I BUSTED MY ASS FOR LIKE WEEKS
MELTED A WITCH
GOT FUCKED UP ON OPIUM AND SET ON FIRE AND MOLESTED BY MONKEYS
TO SHOW UP AT A DRUNK WIZARD’S HOUSE AND WATCH HIM DESERT ME IN A HOT AIR BALLOON
ALL SO THAT YOU COULD SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE
WITH YOUR FANCY PRANCY HOOP SKIRT
AND TELL ME THE POWER WAS INSIDE MY FUCKING SHOES THIS WHOLE TIME?
WHAT IF MY SHOES BROKE
WHAT IF I TRADED THEM IN FOR MORE COMFORTABLE SHOES
THESE ARE HIGH HEELS
MADE OF RUBIES
MY FEET ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT BLISTERS AT THIS POINT
okay
whatever
I’m going home
and then she does
and her family is probably still dead
but at least she got to get fucked up on opium

so the moral of the story
is before you set off on any epic and dangerous journeys
probably check your shoes

THE END.

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13 thoughts on “The Wizard of Oz is an Exercise in Futility

  1. this was another good one
    but
    I would like to count all the dumb "'blank' (good) sir, 'blank'!" comments you always get, Ovid and run them back to back.
    see how cool you guys think it sounds when there's a list of how you ALL SOUND LIKE THE SAME DOUCHE

  2. So I think this was a great represenation of this movie.

    But I have another request.
    You should watch "Thor: Tales of Asgard" The animated movie that Marvel felt the need to release, and then comment on it. I feel like that would be hilarious.

    ALSO
    MORE NORSE MYTHOLOGY. I could read your blog forever, and if I were immortal I totally would.

  3. Oh pu-leeeze, Wicked is not pro-witch propaganda, it's let's-fuck-up-this-fukked-up-story-even-more-so-people-buy-it. Sumwhat precursors to you, methinks 😉

    Also, there should be at least one comment of "You've seen that youtube video of Dorothy and shoes rant too, haven't you!"

  4. Awesome, you managed to make that story actually interesting. I damn near fell asleep when they played the musical here, but this was entertaining.

  5. Oh my gosh, I've finally caught up! I found this and started reading your myths when my house was flooded and it's been so amazingly helpful to me. Keeps me from being super stressed about everything and going loopy. ^-^

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  7. okay, late to the party here, but I just want to point out an important difference between the book and the movie:

    in the movie, Glinda apparently thinks sending minor children into mortal peril quests is hilarious, so she just doesn’t tell Dorothy how the shoes work until they meet up again in the Emerald City.

    in the book, the good witch at the beginning and the good witch at the end are TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE and the one at the beginning has just NO IDEA how the shoes work.

    so if you were wondering why there were witches of the East, West, and North, but not the South, it’s because the movie rolled the North and South witches into one Northern ball of sadism.

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  9. A billion years after anyone will see this (or you know, about five), but I am SHOCKED that you missed something as metal as the Tin Man’s backstory. Or at least as fucked up.
    Because he didn’t used to be tin.
    He used to be a dude. In the books, anyway.
    He had a house and a girlfriend and stuff and he was out choppin’ wood as was his job as a woodsman. Then the evil Witch of the West happens along for…some fucking reason, I forget why, decides “Let’s ruin this guy’s life” and puts a curse on him that every time he swings his axe, he cuts off another part of his body. This strikes me as the time most people would go find new jobs but this idiot just goes to the local mad scientist and get his body parts replaced with tin one at a time until that’s all that’s left, except his heart which the lunatic fixing him just plain forgot.
    And, just in case this story wasn’t awful enough, the mad scientist used all those spare body parts to make a new guy.
    Who married his old girlfriend.
    Tin Man: Probably better off without the heart.
    Actually all the Oz books were a little fucked up, even before the All The Creepy Sex adaptation.

    • Only 4 months later before someone saw your comment haha, you’re not the only one still reading Myths Retold in 2017 friend!

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