[bad news guys
due to some crazy Neverending Story shit
I got sucked into a really bad Edgar Allen Poe piece
called The Purloined Letter
so today’s myth is being broadcast from inside of this travesty]
Okay, let me tell you about my bro August Dupin
He is actually sort of a tool and I don’t know why we’re bros
wait, SORT of a tool?
This guy is a 1000 volt multitool
a megatool that slices, dices, and condescends with superhuman rapidity
He’s a dick, is what I’m trying to get across here
but don’t let that sour you on him, friends
because he is apparently also the only person in the whole world
who is not 100% prime retard
ALLOW ME TO RELATE AN ANECDOTE THAT ILLUSTRATES THIS:
So me and Dupin are chilling in the study in the middle of the day
with big curtains over the windows cause we’re goths
when the chief of police busts in like DUPIN DUPIN
SOLVE CRIMES FOR ME
and Dupin is like Whoah chill out
what crimes are you referring to?
And the detective is like “OKAY CHECK IT:
so I am in the employ of the queen or something
and this dude she knows just stole a letter from her
he stole it literally right in front of her
while she was sitting at her desk talking to someone else
he is THAT SLICK
and that letter
that letter is basically like the analog equivalent of phone sex
is the analog equivalent of phone sex just real sex?
what about sexy telegrams? Where do those fit in?
the point is that letter has sex all up ins
and so this guy who stole this letter has been blackmailing the SHIT out of this queen
and she just offered me like a million bucks to get it back.
so far so good, right
but this thief dude is WAYYYY too smart for me and my army of police
seriously we searched all up IN that guy’s house
like under the tables
behind the walls
inside his dog
we fucking trucked in a sonar machine, dude
I am not even exaggerating
we went through the whole house square foot by square foot
and stuck needles into everything to see if they were letters
because that is how you identify letters
and Dupin is all “Hmm.
Did you search the papers on his desk?”
and the police guy is like “DURRR
Yeah of course we searched his desk.
We are looking for a letter, why wouldn’t we do that
we’d have to be mighty stupid not to have scrutinized the number one place where paper lives in a house.”
so Dupin is all “Mmhmm.
Go search it all again.”
A WHOLE MONTH PASSES while the police chief goes and does that
at which point he comes back like “Hey Dupin
shitty advice, buddy.
We didn’t find it and now a month of my life is gone.”
And Dupin is like “I’ll tell you why you didn’t find it
you didn’t find it because I HAVE IT
I will give it to you for HALF OF THE REWARD MONEY.”
So that happens.
Now my bro Dupin likes to talk a lot, so let me summarize why he has the letter:
everyone is a fucking idiot
guess where the letter was hidden?
ON THE FUCKING DESK WITH ALL THE PAPERS.
How was it so cleverly disguised that an army of policemen who were looking for letters did not find it?
I DON’T KNOW, MAN
ALL THE GUY DID WAS TURN IT INSIDE OUT AND PUT A DIFFERENT SEAL ON IT
YOU WOULD THINK
THAT IF YOUR JOB WAS TO GO INTO A HOUSE AND FIND A LETTER
YOU MIGHT MAKE A PARTICULAR STUDY
OF ANY LETTERS YOU HAPPENED TO FIND
apparently we live in moron world
and that’s okay, because we get paid
oh but how did Dupin get the letter back?
Good question, friends
what he did is he went over to the thief dude’s house
and then he paid a CRIMINAL
to discharge a BLUNDERBUSS
in a CROWD of WOMEN and CHILDREN
all for the purpose of distracting that one guy while Dupin stole the letter back
great job everyone
seriously I don’t know why I live with this guy.
I guess if I had to come up with a moral for this story
it would probably be
that in the kingdom of the blind
the one-eyed man is Dupin.
Someone get me out of the 1800s, seriously
it’s terrible here and everything is steam engines.