Thor gets a hammer

Hey

so I liked that last myth SO MUCH
i am going to talk about norse dudes again
remember i was saying how thor is pretty much
the baddest motherfucker
you will ever lay eyes on
in fact if you ever laid eyes on him
he would probably walk up to you
and DESTROY YOUR EYES WITH HIS HAMMER
oh yeah basically thor’s hammer is the best thing
it is called mjolnir
and it was made like so:
so one day Loki
who is the god of being a needless prick
all the time
to everybody
one day he just sneaks up on this chick Sif
and cuts off all of her hair
like some fucking frat prank
just shaves her head
for absolutely no reason
now the problem with this
other than that it is a pretty shitty prank
is that Sif
is Thor’s wife
and thor fucking loves hair i guess
because he gets SO ANGRY
he chases down loki and is like hey
how about I remove you FACE
and loki is like no dont do that
i need my face
to make infuriating smirks with
when my shitty pranks are successful
and thor is like ok well
how about i just break every bone in your body
and loki is like shit
shit man
i need those
for like
making sure my skin and organs do not collapse
here check it out
how about instead
i have the dwarves make your wife some new hair
it will be made of GOLD
it will grow like NORMAL HAIR
it will be AWESOME
and thor is like shit
sounds pretty sweet
go nuts
so loki goes to these dwarves
called the sons of ivaldi
and is like hey guys i kind of promised thor
that you would make his wife the ultimate toupee
and the dwarves are like sure no problem
do you want us to make it out of gold
or DOUBLE-GOLD
you see
we are dwarves
we REALLY FUCKING LIKE GOLD
hey by the way im sorry if im being racist
but that is how dwarves are ok
some of my best friends are dwarves
i can say this shit
anyway loki is like well you know
regular gold is fine
and the dwarves are like ok ok
well how about we also make you a boat
called Skiblandir
which can fit all your friends
and all your treasure
and always has wind in the sails
and can be folded up
and put in your pocket when not in use
and how about we also make a spear
wait wait
an UNSTOPPABLE SPEAR
for Odin
and loki is like shit guys
all we ever did for you guys
was make four of you hold up this skull we found forever
and the dwarves are like yeah but those dwarves got cool names right
so anyway the dwarves make these things
and loki brings them all to the gods
glues the hair back on thor’s wife and shit
and then he gets this great fucking idea
which is hey
why dont i go back to the dwarves
and bet them that they can’t make 3 more treasures
even better than these treasures they already made
FOR FREE
hm what can i bet them
oh I know
I’ll bet them MY HEAD
so he goes and finds this dwarf Brokk
like from pokemon
and he makes this retarded deal
especially retarded considering that the dwarves
do not have to wager
ANYTHING
so they take the deal
and brokk gets his brother Eiti
and they go to the forge
and brokk pulls out this bigass boar skin
and he is like hey eiti
what i need you to do
is constantly operate that bellows over there
this is completely crucial
i cannot successfully fuck around with this boarskin
unless you are constantly manning that bellows
so eiti is like sure
and starts doin it
and time passes
and a bigass fly lands on his hand
and stings the shit out of it
but eiti does not care
he is going crazy with that bellows
and brokk makes what he was trying to make
he brings it to loki and is like
ok listen
we all love boars
but what would make a boar even better?
i’ll tell you what
GOLD
GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER
I AM A DWARF
I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD
ok look guys i am just telling the story
it is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past ok
i forget what the term for that is but dont do it
anyway they still need to make two more things
so Brokk decides to cut out the middle man
and just put some gold directly on his forge
and is like hey eiti
remember what you did with the boar
I want you to do that
just do exactly that
again
it is crucial
so eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold
the same fucking fly shows up
only it lands on his NECK
and it bites him
it bites him SO HARD
this bite is harder than a furry at a petting zoo
is what i am saying
but eiti just toughs it out
and keeps on pumpin’
and brokk finishes the thing he was making
and brings it out to loki
and is like hey check it
this is a gold ring
i call it draupnir
but see the thing is
this is just one fucking gold ring
do you think that is enough gold
i dont think that is enough gold
so what i made it do is every ninth night
it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS
there will be SO MANY RINGS
i can melt them down
for their gold
and use them to make more rings
that drop out more rings
loki do you realize
i have created infinite gold
infinigold
this is the dream of every dwarf
because we love gold so much
did you know we invented rings so we could fuck gold
ok ok hold on guys
if you have any dwarf friends
maybe you should just have them like
not read this myth
if they have read this far it is too late
we’re pretty much done with the gold part
and you have lost a friend
anyway now its time to make one more thing
and so brokk gets a bigass chunk of iron
and puts it on his forge
and looks at eiti and is like
you know what to do man
so eiti starts pumping that bellows
and he keeps doing that
and then this SAME
FUCKING
FLY
comes BACK
and lands on his FACE
and bites his EYELIDS
his EYELIDS
what kind of a vindictive asshole fly is this
holy shit
but you know what
eiti is such a badass
he just keeps on pumping
until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted
trickles down into his eye
and he takes one hand off the bellows
to wipe the blood out of his eye
and the bellows stops and everything is ruined
and brokk is like BITCH
i do not give a SHIT if you are screaming covered in blood and flies
you fucked up the hammer you asshole
because thats what he’s making is a hammer
its called mjolnir
and brokk is like fucking cockberries
i guess maybe i wont get loki’s head after all
well anyway lets go see what the gods think
and he bundles up all the shit and goes to asgard
and in asgard all the gods are like
HOLY DAMN
THIS SHIT IS AWESOME
YOU MADE A RING
THAT SHITS RINGS
THAT IS LIKE MAKING A BEAR THAT SHITS OTHER BEARS
BUT EXCEPT INSTEAD
IT SHITS AWESOME
DIRECTLY INTO OUR HANDS
oh also the boar is pretty nice
it could use more gold maybe
and then thor is like check out this hammer
it is so sweet it fucking hits anything i throw it at
no matter how far away that shit is
and then it always comes back to my hand
i mean the handle is a little bit short
but that is really the only problem with it
and guys
guys
do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
i’m gonna kill so many frost giants guys
this is the best norse christmas ever
and brokk is like damn right
looks like i won the bet loki
i need your head now
I am going to dip it in gold and then probably fuck it
thats what i do
because im a dwarf
ok look i lied when i said the gold part was over
if you had your dwarf friends just keep reading
because you thought there was gonna be no more stuff about gold
and dwarves fucking it
then i am really sorry man
but you need taller friends
so like anyway they get loki
and loki is like shit shit
why do my actions have consequences suddenly
and he just starts running
as fast as he can
he has shoes that can like
walk on water
AND air
making him like
double-jesus
but like i just said
thor has a hammer that can hit anything
all the time
and so he just kind of knocks loki out and brings him back
and brokk is like haha say goodbye to your skull bitch
and loki is like WAIT
you can have my head
thats fine
but i never promised you the neck it rests on
so you cant cut it off
HAH
and instead of just deciding to cut off loki’s head REEEEALY carefully
brokk is like fine
and just sews loki’s mouth shut
with an awl
which is a like bigass metal spike
and so loki can’t talk
which is probably the best thing for everybody
since all he does when he can talk is make shitty bets
so what we have learned today
is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends
no matter how short they are
or how bad they smell
or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings
and licking their lips
god i fucking hate dwarves

The end

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17 thoughts on “Thor gets a hammer

  1. Thank you for taking some awesome myths and covering them in awesome sauce! I was sad that there were no comments on this sweet sweet myth, so I am posting one.

  2. "hey by the way im sorry if im being racist
    but that is how dwarves are ok
    some of my best friends are dwarves"

    I died laughing and had to come back as a ghost to comment.

  3. Pingback: Magdi is Strong | Myths RETOLD

  4. And I thought your Silmarillion was funny. This one had me on the floor.

    “this bite is harder than a furry at a petting zoo”
    Haaaa!!!!

  5. Simply want to say your article is as astonishing.
    The clarity in your post is just cool and i could assume you are
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    signs – Shantell

  6. Loki
    who is the god of being a needless prick
    all the time
    to everybody

    and loki is like no dont do that
    i need my face

  7. Came back to this story because I loved it so much when I first read it. It’s still amazing.

    “and loki is like shit shit
    why do my actions have consequences suddenly”
    was probably one of the best parts. But I’ve got to give it to you, each and every paragraph was brilliant!

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