T’ieh-kuai Li is an evil ghost

It is an indication of how my tastes change over time
that I apparently thought this story sucked the first time I read this book
either that or it is an indication
of how stupid past-me is

OKAY SO T’IEH-KUAI LI RIGHT?
keep that name firmly in your mind
because I swear that’s the only time I’m typing that
but anyway so this guy is a taoist immortal
he is already a taoist immortal BEFORE THIS STORY EVEN STARTS
he’s super adept at longevity and spirit travel
which basically means he can shoot his ghost out of his body
and then make it do things
like get groceries and shit
it’s a pretty cool trick and everyone is jealous
and it doesn’t help that this guy is like SUPER HOT
because of the longevity and secret taoist herbs and stuff
and he’s way proud of that
because I mean
why wouldn’t he be?

So one day
all the taoist immortals get invited to a sweet party up in
uh
wherever the hell these dudes hang out
so this guy goes to his servant and he’s like hey
dude
gonna shoot my ghost out of my body and into space
so i can go to a sweet party
hang out here and watch my body for a while, k?
just make sure it doesn’t like
get eaten by wolves or anything
and uh
we immortals
we tend to party pretty hard
I mean
we’re immortals
so if I’m not back in a week
just burn my corpse, ok
I’m probably so drunk it doesn’t matter
and the servant is like SURE THING BOSS

so this immortal dude goes ahead and vomits his soul up
and the servant sits there for DAYS
waiting for him to come back
shooing away pesky wolves
until the morning of the seventh day arrives
and a messenger shows up like HEY
SERVANT
YOUR MOM’S DYING
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SAY WHAT’S UP
and the servant is like aw fuck
the week isn’t technically over yet
but you know what
it’s been seven days
fuck it
so he sets the corpse on fire and goes to say what’s up to his dying mom
and like TEN MINUTES LATER the ghost shows up
and he sees his body on fire
and he’s like AWWWWW FUCK
oh well
I guess sometimes
your body just catches on fire
what are you gonna do?

and that’s a good question actually
because without a body
this dude is fucked
his ghost can’t last forever
he still needs some flesh to roll around in
PLUS
he’s super hung over and he could really go for a burrito
and ghosts don’t have mouths
so he’s floating around looking for a body
and he’s getting pretty desperate
when FINALLY
he discovers a dead hobo
decaying by the roadside
and he’s like aw man
do I have to
but burrito hunger is a powerful thing my friends
and he finally mans up and crawls inside the smelly hobo corpse
and that is how the most handsome of all the Taoist immortals
became a gross-ass hobo with a metal crutch

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is don’t hire servants with moms
or else one of these days
it is going to come down to a decision
between their mom
and setting your corpse on fire

THE END.

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2 thoughts on “T’ieh-kuai Li is an evil ghost

  1. Li Tieguai is NOT a Taoist Immortal before this story starts, that’s why he needs a body to continue cultivation so he can BECOME immortal.

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