Whatever it’s only 2:30 AM

So this other time

Loki is flying through the woods in jotunheim
dunno what he’s doing
probably looking for some hot giant poon
but what he finds
is the exact opposite of that
because this giant Geirrod
(read: Gayrod)
puts grabs his ass and locks him in a chest made of ice
and loki is like dammit let me out
and Geirrod is like NOUP
and Loki is like come on man
pretty hungry
might starve to death
(also remember norse gods are not immortal for some reason
they can die for basically ANY REASON)
and Geirrod is like ok here’s what i’ll do
i’ll let you go
provided you convince thor to get his ass over here
without any weapons or magic girdles or wisecracking animal pals or anything
and Loki is like sure dude trust me
betraying my friends is WHAT I DO

so Geirrod lets him go
and Loki goes back to Asgard
and is like hey Thor
there is something super important going on in Jotunheim
but only people who have no weapons
or magic girdles
or wisecracking animal pals
can see it
so you’re gonna need to leave that shit behind
WAIT HOLD ON
WHY IS LOKI DOING THIS
GEIRROD ALREADY STUPIDLY RELEASED HIM FROM THE ICE CHEST
HE HAS NO LEVERAGE
So either geirrod is holding onto some very risque polaroids
of loki daintily dabbing his ballsack on some giantess’s adam’s apple
or Loki is basically just doing this TO BE A DICK
but EITHER WAY
thor agrees to do this
LIKE AN IDIOT
and thor and loki head over to jotunheim
and on the way they stay with this giant chick
and she is like where are you going
and Thor is like im supposed to see this dude geirrod
and the giant chick is like psh dude
you know he’s gonna try and kill you right?
and Thor is like DAMMIT LOKI
WAS THAT GOING TO BE THE SUPER IMPORTANT THING
WAS IT GOING TO BE GEIRROD KILLING ME
and loki is like well i mean that is a possibility
look dude you have to learn not to do things just because I tell you to
I LIE Thor
I am the GOD of lying
but it’s ok
because the giant chick happens to have a bunch of weapons
that are BASICALLY IDENTICAL IF NOT BETTER THAN THOR’S SHIT
also it fits him somehow

So the next day they have to wade through some fucking river
and it just keeps getting higher and higher
and they are like OH SHIT GONNA DROWN
NEVERMIND THAT LOKI HAS ALREADY DEMONSTRATED HIS ABILITY TO FLY
NO
FUCK THAT
INSTEAD THOR THROWS A ROCK AT THE EVIL GIANT CHICK WHO IS FUCKING WITH THE WATER
Yet another problem solved THANKS TO VIOLENCE
so then they show up at Geirrod’s place
and Geirrod is like oh hey thor whats up
why dont you just sit on this single chair
in the middle of this VERY LARGE ROOM
while i go somewhere else for a while
so thor sits down
LIKE AN IDIOT
and all of a sudden the chair starts rising
because apparently Geirrod’s 2 kids were hiding under it
and now they are trying to crush thor against the ceiling
but thor just takes this unbreakable iron rod out of his pocket
and braces it against the ceiling
and breaks those giants’ BACKS
YAHHHHHHHHHHHH
and then Geirrod comes back in
and is like DAMMIT YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTERS
I TOLD THEM THIS WAS A SHITTY IDEA FOR A TRAP
COME ON
YOU’RE A GIANT
AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A PLAN THAT REVOLVES
AROUND YOUR OPPONENT NOT SEEING YOU HIDING UNDER A FUCKING CHAIR?
TWO OF YOU?
I THINK MY DAUGHTERS WERE ACTUALLY PRETTY STUPID NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT
ANYWAY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW
and he throws a red hot fireplace poker at thor
but thor just catches it in his unbreakable iron gauntlets
and then throws it THROUGH AN IRON PILLAR
DIRECTLY INTO GEIRROD’S SKULL
thus making the all time top ten list
of MOST METAL WAYS TO KILL SOMEONE
and then everyone lives happily ever after
or at least until some new bullshit occurs

so let this be a lesson to all would be evil masterminds
the best way to kill your arch-nemesis is NOT
I repeat
IS NOT
to ask his notoriously untrustworthy friend to act as your agent
then rely heavily on a trap composed solely of your daughters and a chair
at least spring for some fucking henchmen
seriously

The end.

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7 thoughts on “Whatever it’s only 2:30 AM

  1. “Look dude You have to learn not to do things just because I tell you to

    “I LIE, Thor.

    “I am the GOD of lying.”

    XDD oh my god I died laughing

  2. The version I read said the evil giant chick fucking with the water was menstruating in it, causing it to flood. And Thor just throws a stone… up there. To plug her ladyparts. Ow.

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