Cuchulainn is the megatron of killing people

desperate sweaty thankyou
to human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinson
for hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal myth
and also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this post
PS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to me
that would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?
ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?
BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
AND HAND THEM TO YOU
ALL OF YOU
ALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstory
cause there are these two swineherds right
they belong to these two different gods who don’t really matter
but they hate each other SO MUCH
they keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each other
you know
instead of herding swine
don’t give your swineherds superpowers guys
this is the kind of shit that happens
productivity goes WAY DOWN
anyway they turn into birds or whatever
and then they get careless and some cows eat them
and thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLS
there is a white one and a brown one
and the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster
(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)
and the white one gets taken by this chick Medb
who rules the kingdom of Connacht
except the bull is sexist
and decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husband
which is problematic because apparently in Celtic households
whoever has more money makes the rules
and Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit on
not about to lose that privelege
so she is like OY
KING OF ULSTER
I AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHS
COST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULL
and the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSS
but then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guys
like haha joke’s on that asshole
if he said no we were just gonna take the bull anyway
and the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAT
and Medb is like ok fine
hurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on you
AND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulster
because due to some hilarious curse
all of the warriors in the whole damn place
are laid up with ultimate menstrual cramps
because they pissed off some sorceress or whatever
so Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSURED
but actually
victory is not assured
because remember
Cuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right now
and Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPS
OBVIOUSLY
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPS
HE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN
AND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNS
AND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPE
JUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM
who can do anything about this incoming invasion
but whoops
he kind of forgets
and starts having a bunch of sex
but then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMY
and he is like it’s cool guys i got this
and just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBAT
ONE AT A TIME
AT A RIVER
BECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODY
oh man i don’t think i ever told you guys
Cuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOES
ALSO FOURTEEN PUPILS
WHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?
BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITS
but anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudes
and Cuchulainn keeps murdering them
and this goes on for a WHILE
some people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those people
but anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJURED
and he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancing
and he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulster
just charge at that whole army and get MASSACRED
and then Cuchulainn is like wait a second
I have two options here
I can lie here like bleeding
like a PUSSY
OR
I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE
I CHOOSE OPTION B
and this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friends
there is a thing in this legend
called the warp spasm
and it is like a combination of footage from transformers
voltron
and an american werewolf in london
NOW WITH MORE BLOOD
let me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of all
his legs turn backwards
I have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampage
but apparently you need your knees on the same side as your butt
also your feet and shins apparently
i guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONT
but that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his face
in fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADS
and they are all moving around and flexing
and then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head
until it disappears
and then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking face
I have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous rage
but i guess apparently it does
also his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking ears
and his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throat
along with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIRE
oh yeah
and now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULL
STRAIGHT UP
JUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOOD
FIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR
MY FRIENDS
IF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KING
AND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABY
WHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATE
AND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME
THE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HERE
oh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people
in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALP
also he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshit
which ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the army
and leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two options
stay here and get killed
or run away and still probably get killed
but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has become
so they start running the fuck away
along with Medb
but BAM
right at this very moment
MEDB GETS HER PERIOD
KAPOW
NATUREBULLET TO THE COOTER
and she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GOD
and Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOU
WAIT
NO
KILLING WOMEN IS WRONG
THERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DO
AND THAT IS KILL WOMEN
EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFORE
so he lets her go
and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behind
and eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual cramps
and run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left over
and no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story is
fuck plastic surgery
the uglier you are
the badder your ass

THE ENDDDDDDDD

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Candide is like Candid, but with an E at the end and an entirely different meaning

Hey guys what is up

if you are in Japan then the answer is probably horrible tidal waves
which is why i think i ought to repost this thing that another guy posted
which is this:

you can donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting “REDCROSS” to 90999.

so do that
If you can spare 16 bucks for one of my dumb shirts
you can spare 10 bucks to rescue japanese people from beneath a FLAMING WALL OF WATER
okay now let’s hear about the aftermath of FICTIONAL earthquakes
well i mean actually the earthquake in candide was a real life earthquake
but you know what i mean
VIDEO:

PS the guy who posted that thing i copied (or girl, i dunno) runs this website
which has stolen HOURS OF MY TIME
and since some of you claim i have stolen hours of YOUR time
maybe this person has stolen hours of YOUR TIME
BY PROXY
THINK ABOUT IT

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Sir Gawain is a guy who only accepts shitty propositions

Groveling thank-you to gun-wielding murder hurricaine Maximillian Deathpitt
for paying me money to do something I was ALREADY DESPERATE TO DO
HERE IS WHAT IT IS:

Man Sir Gawain is the ultimate motherfucker

in fact
there’s a good chance he actually fucked your mother
because where Sir Gawain goes
few asses remain untapped
seriously he is the patron saint of titillating the tuna taco
and also apparently the sworn protector of ladies
which is only kind of a conflict of interest
but how that came about is a story for some other time

the story for right now
is about how one day
pretty much immediately after Lancelot joined the round table actually
all the knights are chilling out eating lunch
and suddenly this dude just busts in on his horse
guys
this shit happens all the time
people are constantly just walking into the dining room of this fucking castle
do they just leave the gates open with a sign that says
PROBLEMS?
CONSIDER CAUSING THEM IN HERE

anyway this is no ordinary knight we are talking about
because this fucker is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GREEN
also his horse is green
his armor is green
everyone assumes his pubes are green but no one wants to check
oh yeah also his skin

so Arthur is like whoa dude what the fuck
either you are making some kind of a statement about the environment
OR
some seriously weird shit is going on right now
OR
both
and the green knight is like OPTION B IT IS
you see i am known as the green knight
and King Arthur is like no shit
and the green knight is like shut up
look
i am trying to find a knight for an idiotic adventure
have I come to the right place?
and Arthur is like YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
and the knight is like great
ok here’s what you do
pick one of your knights, and he gets to hit me once
with my axe
and if I survive I get to hit him back one year from now
so basically like that game where I kick you in the nuts
and then you kick me in the nuts
and so on
except you get to go first
and we are playing with AXES
and Arthur is like THAT DOES NOT SOUND SUSPICIOUS AT ALL

so then he turns to Lancelot
like hey Lancelot
you just joined the round table right
and you’re the best knight in the world
this shit sounds like it is right up your alley
but Lancelot
who pretty much refuses EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK LIKE A BADASS
is like nah i’m too weak to do whatever it is
let Sir Gawain do it
he looks like he really wants to do it
and Sir Gawain is like HOLY SHIT PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME
so Arthur is like sure ok go for it
and Gawain is like HA HA HA NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG
and he picks up the axe and he REMOVES THE KNIGHT’S HEAD WITH IT
but then PLOT TWIST
the head just rolls around the room like HAHAHAHAHA BITCH
and then the knight picks his head up
puts it back on his neck
and is like ok Gawain see you in one year
and Gawain is like aw balls

so for a year Gawain kind of tries to forget about this shit
but eventually it is time for him to go find the Green Knight
but luckily Gawain has no idea where that fucker lives
so he just starts wandering around on his horse
pretty much just going wherever
probably hoping that he’ll get lost and not have to die
and that plan is going pretty well
i mean this green knight could basically be anywhere in the fucking universe
and Gawain only has 4 days left to find him
but then night falls
and Gawain’s horse rams into a castle wall
and Gawain is like OH SHIT BEDS
MUST HAVE
and some dude comes to the door like HELLO SIR
and Gawain is like hey man do you know if there are any green knights up in here?
and the dude is like oh yeah man he lives like 2 blocks from here
and Gawain is like DAMMIT WHAT ARE THE ODDS
well can I at least hang out here for the next couple days
and the dude is like DO COME INSIDE

so Gawain gets inside and this castle is P-I-M-P
fucking tapestries all up the hell right now
couches so finely upholstered it is like there are couches on those couches
and Gawain is like whoa this is some pretty sweet shit
and the dude is like OH I KNOW
WELCOME TO LIBERTY CASTLE
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AT LIBERTY CASTLE
THE ONLY LIMIT
IS YOURSELF
so can i get you some young boys to fuck or anything?
seriously whatever you want
and Gawain is like WHY IS YOUNG BOYS THE FIRST THING YOU OFFER ME
DO I LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE OR SOMETHING
DO I HAVE A CREEPY UNWASHED BEARD
DO I LOITER NEAR SCHOOLS AND PLAYGROUNDS
and the lord guy is like whoa whoa calm down
you can fuck my wife instead if you want
look here she is
isn’t she hot
and Gawain is like DUDE I AM GOING TO DIE IN 4 DAYS
TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE VIRTUOUS RIGHT NOW
and the lord is like oh ok that’s cool that’s cool
we were just about to have dinner
do you want some midgets to suck your dick under the table
I can make that happen
PS: Tonight’s menu is nothing but POWERFUL APHRODISIACS
so basically
Gawain has just stumbled into the castle from the fucking Rocky Horror Picture Show
NOW WITH SWORDS

So Gawain is like nope nope nope nope
just gonna have some cold mutton
and then go to my room and masturbate furiously until i forget about your wife
pretty sure it is not possible to walk ten feet in this place
without committing some kind of mortal sin
so i am going to play it safe
and just stay in my room more or less constantly until it is time to leave

SO THE NEXT MORNING HAPPENS
and the lord of the castle shows up in Gawain’s room like hey buddy
bout to go out hunting
wanna make a suspicious deal?
and Gawain is like DO I
WHAT IS IT
and the lord is like ok how about at the end of the day
I give you whatever I get during the course of my day
and you give me whatever YOU get
and Gawain is like well shit
not like i’m gonna get anything
just gonna hang out here and pray for forgiveness for all the vag I’ve pounded
this sounds like free stuff city right here
I ACCEPT
and the lord is like EXCELLENT
and then he leaves
and Gawain starts trying to figure out where the chapel is

but he has NO IDEA where the chapel is
so he rings this little bell the lord gave him to summon servants with
and who shows up but THE LORD’S HOT WIFE
wearing a dress that can only be described as a goddamn tits fiasco
and she is like hey sugarduck what part of you do you want fellated
and Gawain is like NONE
NO PARTS
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE CHAPEL IS
and the chick starts crying
and Gawain is like whoa i’m sorry i’m sorry
and the chick is like MY HUSBAND THINKS MY LIPS ARE GROSS
and Gawain is like madame i assure you
your saliva pillows are some straight up artisinally crafted shit
and the chick is like NO NO THE CONSISTENCY IS ALL WRONG
HERE KISS THEM SO YOU CAN GIVE ME AN INFORMED OPINION
and Gawain is like WELL OKAY
BUT JUST THIS ONCE
and he kisses her
and she is all trying to jam her tongue down his throat and shit
but Gawain is super honorable about this shit and he keeps those teeth SHUT
and then he is like uh um okay
forget about the chapel
just get the fuck out of my room
and then he goes back to praying and masturbating
like GOD I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN
BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO BE VIRTUOUS IN A METEOR SWARM OF TITS

anyway then the lord comes home
and he is like HEY I GOT YOU SOME PHEASANTS
DID YOU GET ANYTHING TODAY?
and Gawain is like nope
and the Lord is like ARE YOU SURE
ANYTHING AT ALL
and Gawain is like aw fuck
I got kissed
so he has to make out with this dude a little
and then he is like you know what man
how about I just leave this fucking place and sleep in the woods
and the Lord is like NOPE
INVISIBLE WALL BITCH
GOTTA STAY HERE UNTIL IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GO DIE
OH HEY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THE SAME DEAL TOMORROW?
and Gawain is like uh no thanks
not really hungry for more meat
in any sense of the word
and the lord is like well dude I can get you some sweet bear pelts or whatever
come on
are you a pansy?
and Gawain is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PANSY
I ACCEPT

so the next day
Gawain decides he is going to just try and find the chapel on his own
and not risk running into the dude’s wife
but the dude’s wife is apparently IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT RUN INTO
because she finds him pretty much immediately
and she is like BOO HOO MY HUSBAND DOESN’T LIKE MY TITS
and Gawain is like look bitch i am wise to your pranks
you are just trying to get me to squeeze your soft firm love buoys
WELL COUNT ME IN
and then he honks her boobs
and maybe he honks them a little too thoroughly
because then she is like WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE COWBOY
I JUST WANTED A QUICK FIRMNESS ASESSMENT NOT A FUCKING MAMMOGRAM
and she leaves
and Gawain is like PLEASE GOD PLEASE
STOP TRYING TO BURY ME IN A BOOB TSUNAMI

so then the lord gets home
and he is like here is a bear pelt
WHAT DID YOU GET
and Gawain is like sigh
unbutton your shirt
and then he honks the dude’s hairy manboobs
and the lord is like hm I wonder whose boobs you honked
not even clear if it was a man or a woman…
and Gawain is like CERTAINLY WAS NOT YOUR WIFE
OF THAT MUCH I CAN ASSURE YOU
and the lord is like welp
you’re only in my castle for one more day
WANNA MAKE THAT SHITTY DEAL AGAIN?
and Gawain is like fuck it
whatever
oh hey where is your chapel by the way
and the lord is like WE DON’T HAVE ONE WE’RE PAGANS
and Gawain is like wow that explains everything
probably should have seen that coming

SO THE NEXT DAY
Gawain wakes up
and he’s just like you know what
fuck it
that chick is gonna find me no matter what
i’m just going to find her first and give her a piece of my mind
my MIND
NOT MY PENIS
DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GIVE HER PART OR ALL OF MY PENIS
so he walks around for a bit and it is not long before he finds the chick’s room
and he busts in like DON’T EVEN TRY TO SEDUCE ME BITCH
and she is sitting on her bed reading all proper-like
and she’s like what
who are you why are you in my room
GUARDS
SEIZE HIM
and Gawain is like what
what is this
and then some guards run in
and Gawain CHOPS THEM IN HALF
and then the chick jumps on him like I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF
OOP WAIT I MEANT HAVE SEX WITH YOU
MY MISTAKE
and before anyone realizes what’s going on
SEX IS HAPPENING
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY TWO DUDES HAD TO DIE TO MAKE THIS OCCUR
IS THIS
THE MOST BRUTAL SEDUCTION?

anyway Gawain lays the sexytimes on pretty thick
and then when sex time is over
he’s like oh fuck
several problems suddenly occur to me
1) I just fucked another dude’s wife
2) as per my agreement with the dude I now have to fuck HIM
3) I just killed two men but honestly who gives a shit
FUCK WHAT DO I DO

so he goes back to his room and he starts feverishly praying again
and pretty soon the lord shows up like HEY BUDDY I BROUGHT YOU SOME MORE MEAT
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEAT FOR ME?
and Gawain is like NONE
I GOT NOTHING
and the Lord is like ARE YOU SURE
and Gawain is like SURE AS CRYSTAL
and the Lord is like welp
okay then
guess you are free to go
and Gawain is like YESSSSSS

but he still feels like shit though
because he just fucked a dude’s wife and then lied to him about it
and even worse
he broke a SWORN AGREEMENT BETWEEN TWO MEN
this is not something that knights are supposed to do
so he mopes his way on down the road to the chapel where the green knight lives
and the knight is there like oh hey man
right on time
and Gawain is just like hurry the fuck up and end me man
I’m a wretched piece of shit and I deserve to die
and the knight is like alright dude just put your head on my murderblock right here
and then he brings down the axe
BUT HE DOESN’T CUT OFF GAWAIN’S HEAD
HE JUST KIND OF GRAZES HIS NECK A LITTLE
and then he stands up like haha Gawain I pranked you
i am actually the lady of the lake
and that whole castle was an illusion
and that chick was me
and the dude was also me
and this whole thing was a test
and you passed
because it is better to lie
than be gay
ONLY FUCK VAGINAS MY FRIEND THAT IS THE LESSON

but that isn’t the moral of the story
because see
if the lady of the lake was the chick
and also the dude
then the dude wasn’t really a dude
he was a chick
so Gawain wouldn’t have been fucking a dude
he would have been fucking a chick
so the moral of the story
is your life will probably be a lot more fun
if you assume every moral quandary is a test from magic fairies
and just have sex with EVERYONE

THE END

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Gilgamesh and Enkidu: ULTIMATE BROMANCE

Alright so a bunch of people wanted me to do this one
but it was unstoppable love torpedo Sylvester “Suspense Wizard” Studsington
who pushed me over the edge
by appealing to my GREED
so here goes nothing
fuck that who am i kidding
here goes EVERYTHING

Oh my fucking god have you heard about this Gilgamesh guy

seriously you get like two paragraphs into this shit
and parts of your brain are already hemorrhaging testosterone and steroids
because of the sheer manliness that is boiling off the page
and BRUTALIZING YOUR FACE AND NECK LIKE A BOBSLED FULL OF PUNCHES
and by the time you get to the end of the first fucking tablet
your entire mind is a hulking mass of furious distended tissue that FEARS NO MAN
seriously they actually describe Gilgamesh
as a dude who is “perfect in awesomeness”
THOSE ARE ACTUAL WORDS THEY USE TO DESCRIBE HIM
and also in order to even FIND the story of this dude
it says you’ve gotta basically bust balls-first into a temple
pull out PART OF THE FUCKING WALL
and then grab the twelve stone tablets
on which some righteous motherfucker has CHISELED THIS WHOLE MURDERFEST
then you just gotta hope that the badassery within does not LASER YOUR FACE OFF
oh also his dad is some dude and his mom is a goddess who bangs him SO HARD
that Gilgamesh is TWO THIRDS GOD AND ONE THIRD HUMAN
THAT’S RIGHT
they do the wango bango with SUCH FURIOUS DEDICATION
THAT THEY DESTROY MATH

but here is the problem guys
gilgamesh is such an unbelievable badass
he cannot comprehend how people can be ANY LESS BADASS THAN HE IS
so he makes all the dudes in the city he is king of
constantly do feats of strength and shit
and they all get really tired and cranky
and also there is a law that Gilgamesh gets to fuck everyone’s wives
THE BEST KING

so this goddess named Eiru
or Aruru depending on where you read this shit
but i’m gonna use Eiru because Aruru sounds JUST A LITTLE TOO DUMB
anyway Eiru hears everyone complaining
they are like hey Eiru
hey
can you make a dude who is a bad enough dude to cockwrestle Gilgamesh
because we are worried that if you do not
Gilgamesh will fuck us to death
and Eiru is like WELL I WAS WONDERING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS ROCK I HAVE
BOOM
NOW IT IS A PERSON
ENJOY

so this dude that Eiru creates is called Enkidu
and he has so much hair
THAT HIS INDIVIDUAL HAIRS MUST EACH BOOK SEPARATE APPOINTMENTS WITH HAIRDRESSERS
or they would
if he EVER FUCKING SHAVED
but as it stands he is basically just cousin it
if cousin it had the ability to TEAR YOU IN HALF AND THEN FEED YOU TO YOURSELF
that would have made that show WAYYYY more interesting
but anyway yeah Enkidu basically just runs screaming through the forest
chilling with animals
assraping bears
until one day some pussyass hunter sees him
drinking water with all his sweet animal pals
and the hunter is like OHHH FUCCKKKK
JUST SHAT MYSELF
IT IS UNLADYLIKE TO HUNT WITH SHIT IN ONE’S PANTS
I MUST POSTPONE TIL TOMORROW
and this happens for THREE FUCKING DAYS
until finally the hunter gets so freaked out
he goes running to his dad or something
like DADDY THERE IS A HAIRY MAN AND I AM AFRAID
HOLY SHIT WHY IS THIS GUY A HUNTER
ALL HE SEEMS TO BE HUNTING UP
IS NEW WAYS TO TOTALLY EMBARASS HIMSELF
but the dude he is whining to is like holy shit chill out asshole
just go hit up Gilgamesh for one of his whores
and then get Enkidu to fuck that whore
and he will lose all his animal magnetism
it is proven science fact that this is how things work

so that is exactly what the hunter does
and Gilgamesh hooks him up with the an exceedingly legitimate ho
seriously this bitch is comely as FUCK
and he brings her back to the ol’ watering hole
and she sees Enkidu
and Enkidu sees her
and Enkidu is like TITS OR GTFO
and the chick
(whose name is Shamhat by the way)
is like I CHOOSE THE TITS OPTION
and then they bang for SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT
and at the end all Enkidu’s animal pals get scared and run away
probably because they have never seen a dude slam the sausagesocket
for SEVEN SOLID DAYS
at which point Shamhat makes Enkidu a sandwich
and then is like hey come meet my husband/owner
they live in a time before women’s lib
it is important for you to remember this

so they go back to Gilgamesh
and on the way Enkidu helps out some shepherds
by murdering some lions
but then he actually gets to Gilgamesh’s kingdom
where Gilgamesh is right in the middle of trying to bang some dude’s wife
and Enkidu shows up like dude what the fuck are you doing
HOW ABOUT WE KUNG FU FIGHT
OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF FIGHT
THE KUNG FU IS NEGOTIABLE
BUT THE FIGHTING PART IS SORT OF A STICKING POINT FOR ME
and Gilgamesh is like YESSSSSSSSSSS
and they proceed to fistfuck each others’ faces for HOURS
at which point they are both just like ow
fuck
wanna be bffs?
AND THUS IS BORN THE GREATEST FRIENDSHIP OF ALL TIME
I AM NOT A SCIENTIST BUT THIS MAY BE WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN

so their first act as ULTIMATE BESTIES
is to walk like all the way across the known world
to fuck up the mystical guardian of some ancient tree
the guardian is not a bad dude or anything
he’s really basically just the ancient magical equivalent
of those fucking hippies that chain themselves to live oaks and whatnot
except he has INTESTINES all over his face
and his breath is a combination of DEATH and FIRE
SERIOUSLY THAT’S WHAT IT SAYS

anyway Gilgamesh and Enkidu skip off towards this sacred cedar tree
literally HOLDING HANDS
GUYS
I don’t think i’ve ever read a myth before
where two radical dudes were SUCH BOSOM BUDDIES
IT WOULD BE SICKENING IF IT WERE NOT SO TOTALLY GNARLY
and they walk for LEAGUES AND LEAGUES AND LEAGUES
and Gilgamesh keeps getting shitfaced every night
and then waking up in the middle of the night like ENKIDU I HAD A BAD DREAM
IT WAS ABOUT VOLCANOS OR FIREBREATHING BIRDS OR LIGHTNING OR SOMETHING
and Enkidu is like naw dude that is actually a good dream
those are totally sweet and appropriate things to dream about
it means we are going to kill humbaba
one might even call it
THE BEST DREAM?!
THIS HAPPENS FOR FIVE NIGHTS
BUT THEN THEY FINALLY FIND HUMBABA’S FOREST
oh yeah i think Humbaba has some kind of aura of death and paralysis of some shit?
but whatever i think they just flex their muscles and give each other a pep talk
and any danger is TOTALLY NEUTRALIZED
so then Humbaba pops out like sup
and then this god Shamash
(he is the sun god apparently)
who has basically been hooking up Gilgamesh this whole time
is like not much dude
just thought i’d drop by and attack you with ALL THE WINDS
seriously dude
there are thirteen fucking winds
I had no idea there were that many
there’s the ones you would expect
like north wind south wind east wind west wind
and then there’s like
blizzard
and storm
and sandstorm
which are apparently all seperate winds
and then shit really flies off the handle
and we get into like
whistling wind
ice wind
demon wind
and just straight up bad wind
what the fuck is bad wind?
how can wind be objectively bad
is it a wind that just goes out of its way to ruin ice cream cones
and like
remove wigs at inappropriate times?
because if so
i hereby petition to change its name to HILARIOUS wind
anyway yeah all those winds show up
and gather around Humbaba in an aetherial bukakke throwdown
and Humbaba CANNOT MOVE AT ALL
so Gilgamesh gets his sword out
and he is all ready to chop off Humbaba’s head
when humbaba is like WHOA DUDE CHILL OUT
I WILL TOTALLY GIVE YOU ALL THE WOOD YOU CAN HANDLE
WE ARE IN A FOREST
THERE IS WOOD FUCKING COMING OUT OF OTHER WOOD
YOU DO NOT NEED TO MURDER ME FOR THIS SPECIFIC TREE
and Enkidu is like FUCK THAT DON’T LISTEN TO HIM
MURDER MURDER MURDER
and Humbaba is like DUDE ENKIDU COME ON MAN
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU GUYS
and Enkidu is like LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS HILARIOUS WIND
HEY GILGAMESH HURRY UP KILL THIS DUDE I GOTTA TAKE A PISS
IN HIS MOUTH

so finally Gilgamesh just murders Humbaba
and then jacks his head
and is like YES EXCELLENT
NOW I CAN USE THIS TREE TO MAKE A DOOR
I DON’T NECESSARILY HAVE ANYPLACE TO PUT THE DOOR
BUT YOU KNOW
NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GONNA NEED A REALLY HUGE DOOR
so they chop down the tree
and they make a raft
and AWAYYYY THEY GO

so they get back home
and they are enjoying this sweet door
and also each other’s company
because they are SUCH GOOD BUDDIES
when Ishtar has to just come along and fuck it all up
(Ishtar is the goddess of basically everything worth doing
sex war and babies
i don’t mean that you should do babies though
that is gross/illegal)
she is like HEY GILGAMESH
I HAVE THIS GAPING HOLE IN MY BODY
I’M PRETTY WORRIED THAT IT MIGHT JUST START SHOOTING OUT MY ORGANS OR SOMETHING
PRETTY DANGEROUS
I HEARD YOU HAD SOMETHING ABOUT THE RIGHT SIZE TO PLUG THIS HOLE
I BELIEVE IT IS YOUR PENIS?
and Gilgamesh is like WHOA BITCH SLOW YOUR ROLL
YOUR TITS ARE EXCEEDINGLY FINE
BUT I AM AWARE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED HISTORY
AND HISTORY TELLS US THAT EVERY DUDE YOU HAVE EVER BANGED
HAS ENDED UP EITHER ON FIRE OR TURNED INTO SOME KIND OF DWARF
[obligatory joke about fucking gold]
SO UH
I’M SURE THERE ARE RODS APLENTY IN THIS KINGDOM OF MINE
GO NUTS
JUST STEER CLEAR OF MINE
MY NUTS I MEAN

and ishtar gets SOOOO ANGRY
she goes back up to godtowne
and she is like HEY GUYS
GILGAMESH REFUSED TO STUFF MY MUFF
GIVE ME THE BULL OF HEAVEN I AM GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING
yeah apparently they just keep this fucking bull around
in case they need to ruin everything
and the other gods are like NAW BITCH
and Ishtar is like IF YOU DON’T LET ME I WILL THROW A FIT
IT MAY INVOLVE ZOMBIES
and the gods are like fuck fine
but for some reason this is going to ruin the harvest in Gilgamesh’s kingdom
for SEVEN YEARS
and Ishtar is like whatever
and she drags the bull down to earth

so the first thing the bull does
is kill like several thousand people
then eventually Gilgamesh sees it
and he and Enkidu are like BEST BUDS TAG TEAM MURDERCYCLE YEAH!
(somebody draw that please
i don’t know what it looks like but i’m sure it’s awesome
maybe there is a rainbow and maybe the rainbow is MADE OF BLOOD)
anyway they handle the bull to pieces in a matter of seconds
and then steal its horns
which are made of lapis lazuli
which pretty much EVERYTHING in this poem is made of by the way
and then they high five so hard that another thousand or so people die
but that is okay because FRIENDSHIP

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL MY FRIENDS
usually it is Gilgamesh who has all the dreams
but tonight it is ENKIDU’S TURN TO HAVE THE DREAMS
he dreams that the gods are all sitting around talking
and they are like fuck man
Enkidu and Gilgamesh are a two-man meat grinder for all our best abominations
this should maybe stop?
also maybe Shamash needs to stop helping them?
and Shamash is like shit sorry guys
how about I make it up to you by killing one of them
and the gods are like ok but which one do we kill
we can’t kill Gilgamesh his name is in the title
oh shit wait HOW ABOUT ENKIDU
yeah that works

so then Enkidu wakes up like THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO INTERPRET THIS FAVORABLY
WAAAAAH I’M GONNA DIE
FUCK EVERYONE
and then he gets real sick and he dies
he doesn’t even get to go down in a super metal way or anything
and then Gilgamesh gets SUPER SAD

now guys
we all know about the nine stages of grief or whatever
but those are for CHUMPS
Gilgamesh’s grieving process has different steps:
1 – cry about it
2 – make everyone else cry about it
3 – seek immortality
TRY THIS THE NEXT TIME YOUR CAT DIES

so gilgamesh goes running around all the fuck everywhere
and he does this shit for so long he explodes his clothes
and has to beat animals to death and rip off their skin so he’s not naked
or really just because he feels like it
and he talks shit to some scorpion dudes
who let him walk through a mountain
and the sun is like chasing him kind of
and he walks for twelve “double hours”
so twenty four hours i guess
and then he sees a garden made out of jewels and shit
wait did he just wander into that cave from aladdin?
oops no no he didn’t
because then he emerges out the other side
and he finds THE WATERS OF DEATH
YESSSS
wait hold on
if I was seeking immortality
the waters of death would NOT BE THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED
but anway there is an inn there
but the inkeeper chick is freaked the fuck out
because Gilgamesh LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN PSYCHOPATH
but eventually he threatens her enough that she tells him how to get across the water
and then he threatens the fuck out of the guy who can get him across the water
but in the process he breaks all the stone giants that can actually cross the water
cause it is the waters of DEATH remember
this is not the kind of water you fuck around with
so then Gilgamesh has to go make more boat supplies
but then finally THEY ACTUALLY START SAILING

so they get to the other side
which is where Gilgamesh was trying to get apparently
i have no idea how he figured out where this place was
but there’s this dude there called Utnapishtim
and he’s like whoa who the fuck are you
and Gilgamesh is like I’M GILGAMESH MOTHERFUCKER
MY BEST PAL DIED SO NOW I WANNA BE IMMORTAL
HOOK A BROTHER UP?
and Utnapishtim is like seriously?
you’re fucking shitting me right?
that has got to be the most weaksauce reason anyone has given me to do anything EVER
but anyway let me tell you my life story

SUMMARY:
UTNAPISHTIM IS NOAH
EXCEPT HE SAVES A LOT MORE HUMANS
AND EVERYONE DRINKS A LOT MORE BOOZE
AND THEN HE GETS TO BE IMMORTAL AFTERWARDS THE END

so after he finishes his story
Utnapishtim is just like so you see my friend
i got to be immortal
but it was a fuckton of work
and frankly i don’t think the gods are down to do that shit again
you may want to just step the fuck off and die like a man
in fact i think that is exactly what you should do

but joke’s on Utnapishtim because GILGAMESH GOT SO BORED HE FELL ASLEEP
but actually joke’s on Gilgamesh
because Utnapishtim just uses this as more proof Gilgamesh shouldn’t be immortal
and rubs his face in it by baking a ton of bread and putting it next to his face
so that when he wakes up SEVEN DAYS LATER
he sees all this moldy bread and he is like ew gross
guess i’ve been asleep for a while huh
and Utnapishtim is like PRAAAAANKED

so then Gilgamesh is like man ok
i guess i’m just gonna mope on home now
and Utnapishtim feels kind of bad about it and is like wait dude
there is a plant at the bottom of the ocean
if you eat it it will make you young again
you should get that shit
and Gilgamesh is like YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE
and then he ties some fucking rocks to his feet
and sinks himself to the bottom of the ocean
(again
i do not see this as the behavior of a dude
who is trying to not die)
and he gets this plant
and he’s like SWEET BEANS
TOTALLY GONNA TEST IT ON SOME OLD DUDES WHEN I GET HOME
but then he stops to take a bath
and a snake steals it
and then eventually he gets old and dies
miserable and alone
or maybe content and surrounded by whores
the epic is not clear on this part

so basically
Enkidu wouldn’t have died
if that chick hadn’t boned him and then made him take a shower
and Gilgamesh would’ve had eternal youth
if he hadn’t stopped for a fucking bath
so the moral of the story
is hygiene is for mortals

THE END.

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The Inferno, God dammit

So if you were/are an english major/complete loser
you have probably had a conversation with your friends/imaginary friends
where you all try and remember what all the circles are in hell
and you CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU REMEMBER
wanna know why?
BECAUSE ALL THE CIRCLES HAVE CIRCLES IN THEM

NOW YOU KNOW

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Don Quixote is like the Napoleon of Doing Stupid Shit (part 2)

Alright so

when last we left our heroes
you know what fuck that
no one in this story is a hero
you could not be less heroic if your job was throwing hammers at orphans
basically Don Quixote was being a dumbass and Sancho Panza was helping
and it occurred to me last night that if I spend an exhaustive amount of time
talking about every stupid thing Don Quixote does
we will be here INDEFINITELY
so here is a stupid shit rundown
courtesy of my FISTS
because that is what i have decided to type with today

so Sancho wakes up
and Don Quixote is like QUICK HELP ME BEAT UP THESE MONKS
and Sancho is like why
and Don Quixote is like WHATEVER I’M CRAZY GET USED TO IT
and Sancho is like welp i guess i better steal everyone’s clothes
and then a dude ruins Don Quixote’s ear but whatever he doesn’t need those
not like he ever listens to ANYONE
then he beats the shit out of more innocent dudes
and sancho is like island plz?
and Don Quixote is like NOT QUITE
and sancho is like fuck what about the po po
i am not going back to jail
and Don Quixote is like DUDE I’M A FUCKING KNIGHT
I’M SO FULL OF RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE
IF A COP TRIED TO ARREST ME
TEN COPS WOULD ARREST HIM
AND THEN SET HIS FAMILY ON FIRE

so then they sleep outside some more
and then meet some goatherds
and sancho gets trashed
and then some dude shows up like LOL MY FRIEND DIED FROM GETTING REJECTED TOO HARD
LETS ALL GO TO HIS FUNERAL AND CALL THE CHICK WHO REJECTED HIM A HUGE BITCH
and Don Quixote is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR CHIVALRY
but then when they show up
it turns out that the dead guy was just a total pussy
and the chick who rejected him is pretty chill
it’s not her fault she has huge tits
that all the dudes wanna motorboat SO BAD IT KILLS THEM

so that chick leaves after telling everybody off
and Don Quixote follows her
to see if her or her tits need any help
but then instead his shitty horse ends up trying to fuck some other horses
and the dudes who own the horses are like man what the hell is this
is some kind of moldy skeleton trying to do the hokey pokey on our legitimate living horses
get this thing away from here
and Don Quixote is like DID SOMEBODY SAY TIME FOR VIOLENCE?
but it turns out no one said that
and furthermore that Don Quixote is really shitty at violence
so he and sancho get their everythings broken
and lie on the ground for a while
and eventually decide they should probably find an inn
or as Don Quixote calls it
A CASTLE?!

but shit is fucked up
because Don Quixote thinks the inkeeper’s daughter wants to bang him
but really it is the daughter’s hunchbacked maid
but actually that chick just wants to bang some other dude
who is staying in the same ROOM as Don Quixote
and that dude gets upset
and then the chick hides in sancho’s bed
so then the dude attacks Sancho
and the inkeeper is like WHAT WHAT WHAT
and VIOLENCE ENSUES
and a POLICE OFFICER APPEARS
and then Don Quixote is like hey tinydick asshole how about i RUIN YOUR SPINE
AND SUDDENLY IT IS DOUBLE VIOLENCE JACKPOT

but it’s okay
because then Don Quixote refuses to pay for his stay in the inn
wait that doesn’t make it ok
that makes Sancho get tossed in a blanket by the inkeeper and his dudes
although actually that sounds like a lot of fun
but that doesn’t stop Sancho from bitching about it FOR THE REST OF THE BOOK

but the fun doesn’t stop there
because suddenly
Don Quixote sees more things
and Don Quixote’s default response to seeing things is to ATTACK THOSE THINGS
the things in question happen to be some sheeps
he thinks they are knights i guess
and so he murders like 7 of them
before the shepherds knock out his teeth with rocks
and then he’s like hold on Sancho
let me make a potion for us out of some trash and dirt i found
and then they drink it
and Sancho vomits
and he’s like hey Don Quixote lemme see how many teeth you lostOH GOD YOU VOMITED IN MY EYES

so quick recap:
after about 3 or 4 days on the road
these dudes have managed to get robbed
(oh yeah i forgot to say they got robbed)
severely beaten
and covered in vomit
THERE IS SO MUCH SUCCESS IT IS GIVING ME SCABIES JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

so then Don Quixote is maybe i should cut back on the violence
so the next time he runs into some innocent priests
he basically just brutally injures ONE of them
instead of all of them
and then sancho robs them
and then they go pass out in a valley

BUT BEFORE THEY PASS OUT
Sancho tells the SHITTIEST STORY POSSIBLE
it is about a shepherd or something
and Don Quixote keeps interrupting him
and then in the story the shepherd has to take all these sheep in a boat
and Sancho is like MAKE SURE YOU COUNT ALL THE SHEEP DON QUIXOTE
and Don Quixote is like fuck dude i don’t give a shit about the sheep
just tell the end of the story
and Sancho is like HOW MANY SHEEP ARE THERE MOTHERFUCKER
and Don Quixote is like I really have no idea
and Sancho is like WELP GUESS IM NEVER GONNA FINISH MY STORY THEN
THE END

wait wait not the end
Don Quixote has not exhausted his stupid meter yet
in fact by the time we get to the end of this travesty
Don Quixote will have maxed his stupid bar so hard
he will be able to do some kind of stupidity limit break
where he flies like sixty feet in the air
and then does a flip
and then takes a dump in his helmet or something

speaking of helmets the next thing Don Quixote does is steal one from a poor person
except it isn’t a helmet it’s just a bowl
but Don Quixote turns it into a helmet through the power of HALLUCINATIONS
and then uses some leftover hallucinations
to convince himself to release a whole bunch of CONVICTED FELONS ON A CHAINGANG
and those dudes beat the shit out of him and Sancho
and then rob them
although honestly i don’t know what they have left to steal
these dudes have been beaten and robbed so much already
and anyway the rest of their possessions are covered in vomit

but regardless Sancho starts freaking out
because you know
they’re CRIMINALS now
and he’s like FUCK LET’S FLEE TO THE MOUNTAINS
so they do
and what do they see but SOME CRAZY ASSHOLE LEAPING THROUGH THE WOODS BUTT NAKED
cause he didn’t get to bang some chick he liked
cause his shitty friend stole her
and Don Quixote is like aw hell no
is someone trying to out-crazy me?
I AM NOW ALSO NAKED AND LEAPING THROUGH THE FOREST
ALSO BEATING MY FACE AGAINST TREES
TAKE THAT
PS sancho take a letter to my fair Dulcinea
tell her i’m crazy now
and Sancho is like fuckkkk that’s going to take forever

but luckily on his way to complete this shitty mission
Sancho runs into Don Quixote’s old friends the priest and the barber
and he’s like DUDES
I NEED YOUR HELP
DON QUIXOTE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BALLSACK SHITHOUSE NUTBASKETS
and the priest and the barber are like oh shit
stop the presses
and sancho is like seriously dudes
his crazy is starting to impinge on my good times
and they are like ok fine
one of us will dress up as a damsel
and be like hey Don Quixote come save us
and then we will lead him home ok?

SO THIS IS WHAT THEY PROCEED TO DO
but then when they get to the mountains
they run into some chick named Dorothea
who is all butthurt cause she got abandoned
by the same dude who stole crazy mcnakedpants’ sex target
WHAT AN ODD COINCIDENCE
and the priest or the barber or whatever
is like shit girl
you are an actual woman
whereas i am only dressed as a woman
here
put on this dress
let’s go fool an idiot
so they do that
and Dorothea isn’t very good at it
but it’s okay because Don Quixote is even less good at BEING IN TOUCH WITH REALITY
so he agrees to follow them back to town
and so does nakedpants
who i guess i should start calling Cardenio now cause he just put on some pants
and they weren’t even nakedpants or anything
he decides to come along cause Dorothea tells him that the chick the other dude stole
still has total ladyboners for him

SO THEY ALL CLIMB OUT OF THE MOUNTAINS TOGETHER
and where do they end up?
THE SAME FUCKING INN DON QUIXOTE WAS AT BEFORE
Spain just does not have any other inns
pretty sure
and the Inkeeper is like aw fuck
it’s that crazy guy again
maybe we should burn all our books about knights
wait no that’s a stupid plan that will never work
in fact how about instead we READ SOME OF THEM OUT LOUD

so the priest reads a story about these dudes Anselmo and Lothario
it is basically about how Anselmo goes to Lothario and is like dude
make my wife cheat on me with you
and Lothario is like naw
and Anselmo is like come on
and Lothario is like shit well ok
and then bones the dudes’ wife and they run away together
and the moral of the story is maybe don’t hire your best friend to fuck your wife?

ANYWAY BACK TO THE REAL STORY
DON QUIXOTE IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME WINESKINS
dammit i wish we hadn’t gone back to the real story
i guess he thinks the wineskins are giants
but then again
he thinks EVERYTHING is giants
so that’s unsurprising
BUT SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS THAT IS SURPRISING:
THE DUDE WHO STOLE CARDENIO’S WOMAN SHOWS UP
ALONG WITH THE WOMAN HE STOLE
SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS REUNITED AND IT IS GREAT
THEY ARE ALL TOTALLY GOING TO GET MARRIED TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE NOW
THANK YOU DON QUIXOTE FOR BRINGING US ALL TOGETHER
WITH YOUR STUPID SWORD AND YOUR STUPIDER IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO USE YOUR STUPID SWORD

but that is not the end of the ridiculous stream of people who show up here
because while Don Quixote is busy claiming the inn is enchanted
and yelling about how great it is to be a knight
a dude and a chick show up from MOORELAND
I MEAN ALGIERS SORRY
yea basically the dude wants to get the chick baptized and then marry her
cause he was in prison and she dropped some money on his head
BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE HERE COMES THE ALGERIAN DUDE’S LONG LOST BROTHER WHO IS A JUDGE
ALSO HIS SUPER HOT DAUGHTER CLARA
seriously
are there no other inns in spain?
anyway then it turns out some asshole has been following Clara around
singing love songs through her window like a total stalker
so she decides to get married to him
and WHOA LOOK AT THAT 4X MARRIAGE COMBO
3 MILLION POINT STUPID MODIFIER
LEVEL UP
so yeah then there’s some more violence
i don’t even fucking remember why at this point
and then the cops show up
and they’re like holy shit there’s that dude who released all those felons
GET HIM
and everyone is like dudes
chill out
look at this guy
he is covered in vomit standing on his shitty horse
yelling about how the pan he is wearing on his head is the legendary MAMBRINO’S HELMET
you do not want a guy like this shitting up your nice prison
he pleads insanity ok?
so the cops are like fine
and leave
and then the barber and the priest knock out Don Quixote
and put him in a cage
and drag him back home
and the whole time Don Quixote is totally convinced he is enchanted
which is his default assumption about anything and everything
and they eventually get him back home
and the stays there for a while
until he busts out again for another MONUMENTAL CAVALCADE OF BULLSHIT
but that shit is in book two
which i will do AT A LATER DATE

so the moral of the story
is if you have lost your true love
and you are thinking about going crazy/killing yourself
chill the fuck out for a second
and just try and locate a violently delusional psychopath covered in kitchenware
your true love will not be far away

THE END.

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