65 thoughts on “CONTACT

  1. So i heard you’ve done all the greek myths
    Nuh uh bro, that’s not gonna fly
    there are like, 10 billion of these things
    Because when its a little fucking humid outside
    There is some divine reasoning
    And a small town of demi-god bastard children are born

    Now this shit is some good shit, I hope you enjoy it

    (I honestly have no idea if you’ve done this or not)

    The Wanderings of Dionysus

    Once he had grown to manhood Dionysus decided to wander far and wide, including areas outside of greece. Where ever he went he taught men how to cultivate vines, and the mysteries of his cult. He was accepted until he returned to his own country of Thebes.

    As he journeyed back to greece he was spotted by pirates. He appeared to them as a rich young man. He might even be the son of a king. He certainly looked like his parents would pay a rich ransom for his safe return. Happy at their good luck the pirates siezed him and brought him aboard their ship. They then attempted to tie him to the ship but, the ropes refused to hold. Anyplace a rope touched him it just fell apart. Dionysus watched calmly, smiling.

    After some time the helmsman realized that only a god could be responsible. He called out that the crew should free Dionysus and beg his forgiveness. But, the captain mocked the helmsman as a fool and called for the crew to set sail. The crew raised the sail and caught the wind but, the ship did not move. Looking around they saw the ship quickly becoming overgrown with vines that held it fast. Dionysus then changed himself into a lion and began to chase the crewmen. To escape they leaped overboard but, as they did they were changed to dolphins. Only on the helmsman did Dionysus have mercy.

    As he passed through Thrance he was insulted by King Lycurgus, who bitterly opposed his new religion. Initialy Dionysus retreated into the sea but, he returned, overpowered Lycurgus and imprisoned him in a rocky cave. Dionysus planned to let him reflect and learn from his mistakes. However, Zeus did not care to have the gods insulted, so he blinded then killed Lycurgus.

    He pressed on to Thebes, ruled by his cousin Pentheus. However, Pentheus did not know of Dionysus. Dionysus was with a group of his followers, who were naturally singing and dancing loudly, flushed with wine. Pentheus disliked the loud, strangers, and ordered his guards to imprison them all. He refered to their leader as a cheating sorcerer from Lydia. When he said this the blind old phophet Teiresias, who had already dressed as one of Dionysus’s followers gave Pentheus a warning: “The man you reject is a new god. He is Semele’s child, whom Zeus rescued. He, along with Demeter, are the greatest upon earth for men.” Pentheus, seeing the strange garb Teiresias had on, laughed at him and ordered his guards to continue.

    The guards soon found that ropes fell apart, latches fell open, and there they could not imprison Dionysus’s followers. The took Dionysus to Pentheus. Dionysus tried to explain at length his worship but, Pentheus listened only to his own anger and insulted Dionysus. Finally, Dionysus gave up and left Pentheus to his doom.

    Pentheus persued Dionysus followers up into the hills where they had gone after walking away from his prison. Many of the local women including Pentheus’s mother and sister had joined them there. Then Dionysus appeared to his followers in his most terrible aspect and drove them mad. To them Pentheus appeared to be a moutain lion. In a berserk rage they attacked him. Now Pentheus realized he had fought with a god and would die for it. His mother was the first to reach him, and ripped his head off, while the others tore off his limbs.

  2. I just discovered this yesterday so I haven’t read all of these beautiful stories but I’m curious to know if you have written about the Japanese myth where Amaterasu’s brother Susano shows up and fucks everything up to the point Amaterasu decides to have a massive tantrum and go into hiding and they had to lure her out with a massive stripper party

  3. Apparently there’s a version of Sleeping Beauty called Talia, the Sun and the Moon. If you could look this up and retell the story in your super cool way, I would explode with gratitude. Also, if I concinve my friend, would it be okay if we did some readings for Youtube? I’ll let you know more if I can get her to agree

  4. as far as hindu myths go, would you do the mahabhrata?
    i think some blind goddess gives birth to a bowling ball somewhere in it.

  5. Hey dude I heard rumor on the wind that some of your great retellings would be collected in physical format. Is this true? If so will I be able to throw my money at you for such a thing before Christmas this year?

    P.S. Keep rocking!

  6. please do the song of roland.

    I was going to say do roland

    but that wasn’t quite what i meant

    unless you’re into spilled brains

    but maybe you are


  7. Dude. Have you read The Life of Patrick by Muirchú? It’s pure sparkling lemon scented madness, we are talking about Nordic levels of squirrely nut sauce only it’s about St. Patrick. Oh, and he just happens to kill way more people than it’s probably okay for a saint to kill.

  8. Hey o-most-awesome-story-retelling-dude-with-the-cool-name, I was checking through the fairytale category (and totally laughing my ass off) and I noticed a certain story that should totally be there wasn’t! If you could rectify this fact it would be so beyond super-ultra-fantastic. It’s a cool story too, it’s got drugs and parties and dancing and beheading and sneaking out and invisibility and like a dozen princes (literally) cuz everyone knows it’s not a fairytale without some princes up in there am I right. http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/TwelDanc.shtml

  9. I just discovered this site and would love to browse through the posts, but is there some way to find out what stories each of these posts are about, if I’m not familiar with them?

    • You should totally cover the story of El Cid. Although he, like Alcibiades and Themistocles, is kind of a giant dick, this guy ends up beloved by both the Spaniards and the Moors and even ends up establishing permanent control over Valencia. He is, perhaps, the biggest WTF of the Reconquista — a period full of countless WTFs.

  10. Reading your book and I’ve got to the judeo-christian bit and I was slightly disappointed that you neglected to include Lilith but other than that, 1000 gold stars my friend

  11. Hello! Look up the Manananggal. Please and Thanks! (If you think Russian tales are bad, FILIPINO MYTHS WILL MELT YOUR EEEEYYYEEEES.) 😀

  12. Perhaps it’s not a myth, nor a saga, but in many many years this specific religious figure might be featured in many as the radical gangsta he is.

    I would absolutely love a summary of the acts and beliefs of Pope Francis from when he was elected until now. Your rhetorical techniques would provide an amazing change compared to rehtorics usually associated with… popes.

  13. I finally got through all the myths (and read the best to my unsuspecting/ long-suffering family). But I wondered if you knew about a fairy tale book series by Andrew Lang. If not, it’s really extensive and full of the dark versions of the stories which should entertain you even if you don’t manage to retell any on this site 🙂
    Here’s the wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Lang's_Fairy_Books

  14. i read the post office thing…. cool shit dude.
    i’ve been wondering… are you a homestuck? you said abscond, which is very homestuck, and you write like hussie and dave PUT TOGETHER

  15. So if you want a new myth you should do Theseus and pithirous. It is the best myth and one of my faves you’d like it too. Its got bad life choices and centaurs and murder.

  16. If you’re looking for more fucked-up fairy tales, I highly recommend The Juniper Tree and The Three Snake-Leaves!

    The Poor Boy in the Grave is another short one you could do.

  17. So I just read your story “The Green Snake Eats Inedible Garbage” and you seemed a little confused about some parts of the original story plot. I know the German original and if you want I can explain some stuff to you.
    For example the “name” of the dog. “Mops” isn´t a name but a dog race. (here´s the link to a picture: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b3/Mops_oct09_cropped.jpg)
    Anyway you do a brilliant job and I love to read your stories. If you´re interested in more German farytails just write me an email and I´ll do my best to find them in English or to translate them for you 🙂

  18. Just wanted to say that I love your stuff. From the fun boisterous myths, to the piercing often bleak Face my Face, really enjoyed Cthulhu in video form. I happen to live in Chicagoland, so I’ve seen you back when here’sthestory was a thing, and have a signed copy of your book.

    Just wanted to let you know, you’re awesome.

  19. You need to get a copy of Eberhard’s Folktales of China. There’s stories in that book about messed up stuff like a mynah bird who jacks up a bureaucrat for jailing his best friend, the origin of opium smoking, and why being a vegan means you get a shitty afterlife.

  20. If you need some more myths to write about, check out the myths around Kumarbi, a hurrian/hettite god. Biting off dicks and having sex with stones are just the highlights of the stories involving him.

  21. I have simply adored these for a very long time and they have brought chaotic laughter to myself and my friends. I recently browsed through Face a Week, and I must say that you are rapidly becoming one of my favorite writers.

  22. I always liked reading mythologies, even as a little’un. I never realized that it was because I was reading them in your voice. Cheers, mate.

  23. Do more Hindu stories! There are literally ( I am not using this word wrong and actually mean figuratively) thousands of stories out there for you retell. Krishna has 2 whole chapters of a very long book about Vishnu dedicated to him, and Ram has an entire book named after him. There is also an entire book that is all stories of Shiva. Other gods show up in these stories and get into hijinks as well.

  24. I’m currently studying abroad in Italy right now and one of the books I’ve brought with me is your myth book. I came alone since everyone else in my university wanted to go to England because they don’t have to learn another language there (ha wimps but England is pretty cool but they’re still wimps) anyways while using your book to entertain slightly drunken people I have now become the ‘funny girl who has that weird but awesome mythology book’ and it made making friends to drink with a lot more easier. Thanks!!

  25. Dare you to retell Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan, it’s kind of under the same genre as Lord of the Rings except really fucking long, like, the books are around 700 – 900 pages each, and there are 14 of them, it’s good shit.

  26. Ever consider doing the myths of video games?
    You probably have. But it would be awesome to see the lore of Dark Souls or The Elder Scrolls put on display.

    Like the Elder Scrolls crazy fucking lore is pretty insane since it basically spawned a Rome, Norse, Arabian-Cats, Dark Elf Jews, Elf Nazi’s, and cannibalistic Elf people all in one go.

  27. Just bought your book for myself for Christmas.
    Your site ha given me hours and hours of mirthful laughter.
    Will you be posting more in the future, or, do you perhaps have another site of some different content.
    You really are brilliant.
    Thanks for all the laughs.

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  30. Hi,

    I thought I would mention that it looks like the word “mary” is spelled incorrectly on your website. I’ve seen some tools to help with problems like this such as SpellAlert.com or WebsiteChecker.com. I just thought you should know!


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  32. Your site looks great but I did notice that the word “mary” appears to be spelled incorrectly. I saw a couple small issues like this. I thought you would like to know!

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