Guys I have a confession to make
I am not exhaustively researching these fairytales
i pretty much have this one book and i am using the versions in this book
what i am saying is your alternate versions in the comments are greatly appreciated
also
anyone who is not reading the alternate versions in the comments:
sucks to be you i guess

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS PIECE OF SHIT MILLER

not the miller from the canterbury tales
he is a piece of shit too
but he at least has the redeeming quality of telling rad stories
no
this guy is just 100% grade A prime ground asshole
one day he decides to go talk to the king
and he’s like hm
i’m just a piece of shit miller
how do i make myself seem important?
oh I know
LYING
so he rolls up on the king’s throne room like OY
MY DAUGHTER CAN SPIN STRAW INTO GOLD
PS: I DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS
JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE
and the king is like oh man
i have a fuckton of straw
and also a fuckton of gold but you know what they say
until you can swim in a pool full of gold like scrooge mcduck
you are not a real king
BRING YOUR DAUGHTER IN HERE
and the miller is like uh sure ok
are you gonna pay me to use her or anything?
and the king is like NOPE
and the miller is like shit well this went bad pretty fast

so he brings his daughter to the king
and the king locks his daughter in a room
mercifully fails to rape her
PROBABLY
and then is like OK
THIS ROOM IS FULL OF STRAW
I WANT THAT STRAW TO BE GOLD IN THE MORNING OR I WILL KILL YOU
THAT’S RIGHT
YOU
NOT YOUR SHITTY LYING FATHER
YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR EVERYONE ELSE’S MISTAKES
and the daughter is like well that seems fair
then the king leaves and she starts crying

so around midnight
the door unlocks and some weird sketchy looking dwarf rolls in
probably wearing all kinds of needlessly pointy clothing
hats and shoes and whatever
grinning like a goddamn grin machine
and he’s like hey gurl
i herd u needed sum straw spun in2 gold
i can do this
i am a dwarf and as a dwaf it is very useful to know how to make gold from straw
you know
so i can fuck it
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
but ok so first order of business
what are you gonna give me if i do this
and the girl is like uh
how about my necklace
and the dwarf is like DONE
and then he sits down and has a motherfucking gold party on that spindle
lotta fairytales about spindles i guess
but yeah the king shows up in the morning and the dwarf is gone and he is like
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
alright i am going to make you do this AGAIN

so he locks this chick in a BIGGER room
full of MORE straw
and is like goodnight
make this straw into gold
i’ll most likely kill you in the morning
and then the dwarf shows up like DID SOMEBODY SAY GOLD
and the girl is like here you can have my ring
and the dwarf is like SOLD
and in the morning the king comes back like OH SNAP
BUT I STILL DON’T HAVE ENOUGH GOLD
EVEN THOUGH I AM KING OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING CONTRY
so he puts her in a BIGGER room with MORE straw
and he’s like HERE’S THE DEAL
IF YOU FUCK UP
STILL GONNA KILL YOU
BUT IF YOU WIN
YOU GET TO MARRY ME
DING DING DING DING
and the girl is like oh awesome
i get to marry this homicidal goldophile
what a great incentive
but i guess the better incentive is not getting killed so i kinda gotta do this

so the king leaves and the dwarf shows up like NEED SOME MORE GOLD?
and the girl is like that would be nice yeah
but i am out of things to pay you
and the dwarf is like that’s cool
just promise me your firstborn child
no big deal
and the girl is like sure whatever i don’t need kids anyway
and then the dwarf sits down and makes a fuckton more gold
and the king comes in in the morning like OK FINE
LET’S HAVE SEX

so they do
frequently
and then this chick
who i will from now on refer to as the queen
gets pregnant
barfs out a baby
and then this fucking dwarf shows up like CHILD PLEASE
NOT LIKE THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED
THIS HAPPENS CONSTANTLY IN THESE KINDS OF STORIES
and the queen is like what
i totally forgot about that shit
HOW DO YOU FORGET THINGS LIKE THIS
THEY ARE PRETTY BIG THINGS
but hold on my friends
have you noticed that so far
no one in this fairytale has a name?
they still have the one name alotted per fairytale
and they haven’t used it up
WELL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE
because the little dwarf is like alright
i’ll give you three days
and if you can guess my name in those three days
you can keep your fucking baby
not even entirely sure what i plan to do with the baby honestly

so the queen makes the most out of these three days
she sends messengers all the fuck up over everywhere
just collecting bigass lists of names
and then the dwarf shows up every night
and the queen is like IS YOUR NAME BRADLEY?
KYLE?
VAMPIRELLA?
HULK?
CHEWY?
BODEGA?
NANCY?
BELLBOTTOMS?
FRANK?
and the dwarf is all nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope
so then day TWO happens
and it goes much the same way
except that the queen tries all the weird as fuck names
all like IS YOUR NAME TYRANNOSAURUS SEX?
PUNCH ROBOT MCGEE?
TITS DELIRIOUS?
SHORTRIB?
SPINY NORMAN?
COWSHIT DOUGLAS?
and the dwarf is like nope(6)
and then day THREE happens
but see day three is when the investigation gets its big break
because super early in the morning some messenger stumbles in
all like hey
so i had pretty much given up on this stupid quest
but then i just happened to be wandering through the mountains
when i came upon some dude dancing around a fire
freestyling
all like CHECK IT OUT
I STEPPED TO THE QUEEN BOUT TO TAKE HER BABY
SHE SAID CAN I KEEP IT AND I SAID MAYBE
YOU CAN TRY TO GUESS MY NAME BUT I KNOW THAT I’LL STILL WIN
CAUSE WHAT MOTHERFUCKER’S GONNA GUESS RUMPLESTILTSKIN
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so uh
yeah
try rumplestiltskin maybe?

so that night the dwarf shows up
and the queen is like IS YOUR NAME CACTUS?
HOBART?
OH WAIT I KNOW
RUMPLESTILTSKIN?
and the dwarf is like AWW FUCK
WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU
TOTALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE THAT FACEBOOK PROFILE HUH
OH BALLS I AM SO ANGRY NOW
so he does the sensible thing
he stomps on foot so hard it goes all the way into the ground
and then he tries to grab his other foot
and use it to pull himself out of the ground
but that is not how this shit works
so instead he TEARS HIMSELF IN HALF
METALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
and then the queen lives happily ever after and no one fucks with her ever again

so the moral of the story
is consider developing ludicrously unrealistic expectations for your children
it will encourage dwarves to appear and grant them wishes

THE END

Boy it must be great to be rich AND magical huh

the reason I say this
is because of this story i am about to tell you
which is about some rich as fuck king and queen
who happen to also be mega impotent/sterile
until one day the queen is taking a bath and crying about her broken womb
and this frog jumps out of the bath like RIBBIT RIBBIT YOU GON GET PREGNANT
and then what do you know
chick gets pregnant
perhaps the frog living in her bathtub had something to do with this?

but no
in nine months the queen does not pop out a hideous frogbaby
she actually pops out a normal human baby
a baby who she names Briar Rose
(have you guys noticed
that only one person is allowed to have a name per fairytale
except in hansel and gretel but whatever they’re siblings)
and the king is so excited about this
even though he is probably wondering if it is even his kid
that he decides to have a MASSIVE PARTY
and invite EVERYONE
probably even that frog that lives in his wife’s bath
but of all the people he invites
he ESPECIALLY invites all these wise women who live all over the damn place
and when I say wise women
what i really mean
is Wise Women
these women are not the ordinary kind of wise
nor are they the ordinary kind of women
probably a better name for them would be something like uh
WITCHES
but it’s cool
these witches are not naughty by nature
in fact
if you invite them to your dinner parties
they might even grant your babies SWEET WISHES
so that is the king’s clever plan here

except OH NO WHAT IS THIS
looks like they don’t have enough solid gold plates for all thirteen Wise Women
so they have to not invite one
but that’s cool because thirteen is an unlucky number anyway right?
YUP
but the problem is it is still unlucky if you don’t invite all thirteen
in fact it is more unlucky
because during the party
while the twelve witches who got invited are busy granting sweet baby wishes
like “you gon be super hot”
and
“you gon be mega virtuous”
and “blah blah blah tits”
the thirteenth witch shows up like BAZOOM ASSHOLES
I WASN’T INVITED SO NOW I AM RUINING YOUR PARTY
JUST LIKE ERIS IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY
OR LOKI IN THE FUCKING LOKASENNA
WHAT THE FUCK GUYS DON’T YOU READ ANYTHING HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING
and then she goes ahead and shits in everyone’s milk
by cursing Briar Rose to prick her finger on a spindle when she’s 15 and then die
and then she leaves
she doesn’t even shout any insults or anything
what a fucking buzzkill

but it’s okay because there is still one other wise woman
who has not used up all her wishjuice yet
so she uses her powers to downgrade the death part of the curse
to “hundred year sleep”
which i guess is the best she could do
not sure why but i guess she is a witch so she understands this stuff better than me

anyway then all the wise women leave and everyone goes about their business
apparently their business is to set fire to every spindle in the kingdom
so that there will be no spindles for Briar Rose to get fucked by
GUYS
IT’S A MAGICAL FUCKING CURSE
IT’S GONNA HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
JUST LIKE IN OEDIPUS REX
AND WITH DANAE
AND WITH CUCHULAINN
SERIOUSLY DON’T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING READ ANYTHING?
so yeah when this chick turns fifteen
she just stumbles into some random room in the castle
and there’s some old crone chilling in there just spinning shit
and briar rose
who has never seen a fucking spinning wheel before
is like WHOA WHAT IS THIS THING
and the old woman is like IT IS A SPINNING WHEEL
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME INJURE YOURSELF ON IT
and Briar Rose is like WOULD I
here’s the thing guys
if you grew up your whole life under the shadow of some prophecy
that was like YOU ARE GOING TO PRICK YOUR HAND ON A SPINNING WHEEL THING
would you maybe be a little paranoid about spinning wheels?
at the very least
wouldn’t you probably be a little careful
when picking up and examining THE FUCKING SPINDLE
maybe you would
but briar rose sure as shit doesn’t
she all but breaks her face running across the room to impale herself on that spindle
and then WHABOOM
she falls asleep
and WHABOOM
everyone ELSE in the castle falls asleep
wait hold on
that wasn’t part of the deal
what the fuck witch you don’t get to just go adding bullshit clauses to your spell
shit’s a MAGIC SPELL
not a magic fucking suggestion
shit i mean even the fire falls asleep
fire doesn’t even sleep
what bullshit is this
and then on top of that
a fuckton of brambles suddenly grow around the castle
SERIOUSLY
THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING

so okay
everyone’s asleep
covered in brambles
great
but that’s not the end of the story
AS USUAL
apparently all the princes heard
that there were not enough princes in the last 2 myths
so they all lined up and started flinging themselves bodily into the brambles around the castle
FOR A HUNDRED YEARS
until finally some special prince shows up
all like i’m sure i will not get murdered like everyone else
and GUESS WHAT
HE’S 100% RIGHT
THE BRAMBLES MOVE OUT OF HIS WAY
AND TURN INTO FUCKING FLOWERS
why?
is he magic?
is he pure of heart or something?
exceptionally pretty
NOPE
IT’S JUST BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS SO IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP NOW
I GUESS ALL THOSE OTHER PRINCES JUST HAD SHITTY TIMING
WAY TO GO EVERYONE GOOD JOB
NO ONE IS SPECIAL EVERYONE SUCKS

so this prince just strolls on in
comes up on hotpants mcprincess all asleep in the spindle room
and is like oh man i wanna break me off a piece of that
marinate it in a brown sugar and vinegar reduction
slow roast it at low temperature
and then fuck the shit out of her

several hours later he kisses her and she wakes up
all like man my ass hurts who are you
let’s get married
and then everyone else wakes up too and they all live happily ever after i guess
except that everyone they knew before they went to sleep is dead
pretty depressing but that’s the risk you run living in a fucking fairytale

so the moral of the story
is if your friends are having a baby shower
maybe you should buy them some extra plates
extra plates could have prevented all of this shit

THE END

guys you are buying shirts too fast
i am already starting to kind of run out
and i am sick of fucking making these things
so what i am going to do
is once these sell out (there are 2 smalls left and one of them is grey
also 3 Large, 3 XL, and 3 Med)
i am going to just suck it up and screenprint like a hundred of these
so there is going to be a period where I am not going to be shipping out any shirts
i will let you know when that is

BUT ANYWAY

Wow this Jack guy is an asshole

seriously
I’ve written well over two hundred of these myths
from like six hundred different cultures
over a year or so
and in that time i’ve come across a lot of assholes
but i don’t think any of them were quite so greedy, lazy, and needlessly cruel
as this festering little beershit with no last name
this is his story:

so jack lives with his mom in bumfuck poortowne, England
and they are pretty bumfuck poor
they are selling all of their possessions one at a time
just to be able to afford BREAD
and they are poor already so it’s not like they have a ton of possessions to sell
so pretty soon they run out of shit
all they have left is a cow named Milky White
yep
they put more effort into naming the damn COW than they did with the MAIN CHARACTER
although honestly Milky White is not that clever of a name
that’s like naming your best pig Bacon O’Shaugnessy
except less creative actually because MILK IS WHITE
but anyway eventually the cow’s udder breaks
and they’re like fuck it
guess we gotta sell this piece of shit
and Jack
who is too young (read: lazy) to work
is like MOM I TOTALLY GOT THIS
LEMME RIDE THE COW TO TOWN AND I WILL GET TONS OF MONEY FOR IT
and his mom is like i’m too poor to go outside so go for it

so jack gets on this cow and he’s like YAHH TRICK YAHHH
and he’s riding to town when he passes a butcher
and the butcher’s like OY KID
WHERE YOU GOIN WIV DAT COW
(Myths RETOLD! NOW WITH ACCENTS)
and Jack is like uh i’m try’na sell this bitch
and the butcher is like man it’s a long way to the market huh
how about i save you the trip by swindling you out of your cow RIGHT NOW
and Jack’s like sounds good tell me more
and the butcher is like ok i’ve got these five beans right
i will give you those for my cow
but these are not just any beans
these beans are MAGIC
and jack is like MAGIC?!
I WISH I HAD MORE COWS
and he runs home with these beans and no cow

so imagine you are the mom
you trusted your lazy piece of shit son to do ONE THING
ONE THING
and he comes home with a handful of beans and a big fat idiot grin on his idiot face
so obviously you pimp smack him so hard his face teleports to next tuesday
toss his idiot beans out the window
then send him to bed without food
because remember
YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING FOOD
this is what happens
this is good parenting and it is the only thing i agree with in this WHOLE TALE

but what happens next just pisses me right off
because jack wakes up in the morning and GUESS WHAT
THE BEANS HAVE GROWN INTO A GIANT BEANSTALK GOING ALL THE WAY UP TO HEAVEN
OR AT LEAST ENGLAND’S CLOSEST EQUIVALENT TO HEAVEN:
A CLOUD CITY INFESTED WITH EVIL GIANTS
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE JACK WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD?
but so obviously this has a really catastrophic effect on Jack’s ego
also his morals and his decision making calculus
because see
he has just been rewarded for making a shitty stupid decision
at least if you consider a bridge to a land full of massive cannibals a reward
and if you are a person who routinely makes shitty stupid decisions
as Jack does
a reward is probably exactly what you consider this to be

so of course jack just jumps directly out of his window and onto the beanstalk
and he climbs it all the way up to Giantstowne
and immediately some fairy appears next to him like OY
THAT GIANT WHO LIVES IN THAT CASTLE OVER THERE?
HE KILLED YOUR DAD
YOUR MOM IS SWORN TO SECRECY
ANYTHING YOU DO TO THIS GUY IS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED
and of course jack takes this claim at face value
why?
because EVERY GROUNDLESS, IDIOTIC THING HE HAS BEEN TOLD SO FAR HAS BEEN TRUE
but here’s the thing
FAIRIES LIE
ALL THE TIME
HOW THE HELL WOULD JACK’S DAD EVEN GET UP HERE
THIS SHIT IS MORE EXCLUSIVE THAN A GATED COMMUNITY
YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO BE A FUCKING IDIOT TO EVEN TRY COMING UP HERE
although if his dad did find some stupid way up to cloud city
i guess we know where Jack got his idiot genes

but that is neither here nor there
remember jack didn’t get dinner last night
so he’s pretty hungry
he decides that the thing to do
is just roll straight up to the castle of the giant who apparently killed his dad
and ask for breakfast
perhaps this is how his dad died
just a thought
but anyway he’s a lucky motherfucker because instead of running into the giant
he runs into the giant’s wife
who is also a giant
but not quite as bitey as her husband
and she’s like sure whatever you can come have breakfast
but if my husband catches you he’s gon’ fuck you up
and Jack is like whatever man

so Jack has a fat breakfast but then they hear the giant coming
and the giantess is like OHHH SHITTTT
QUICK
HIDE IN THIS GIANT TEAKETTLE
so Jack hides
and then the giant enters
rapping
like YO
SKIBBITY BEBOP A REBOP SCOOBY-DOOD
I FEEL LIKE SOME ASSHOLE’S BEEN EATING MY FOOD
I’LL GRIND HIS BONES AND FLESH TO PASTE
I’VE GOT A WEIRD IDEA OF HOW BREAD SHOULD TASTE
and his wife is like nope no one here but us giants
and the giant is like OK WHATEVER
GONNA EAT A WHOLE TON OF MEAT
NOW I WANNA COUNT MY MONEY
WIFE
BRING ME MY MONEY
so his wife brings him two bigass sacks of gold
and the giant starts counting it
but i guess there are sheep on the coins because then he falls asleep
and jack is like OH MAN
NOW’S THE TIME TO ABUSE THE GIANTESS’S HOSPITALITY
and he jumps out of the kettle
snatches up the sacks of gold
and makes tracks for the goddamn beanstalk
the giant doesn’t even wake up until Jack is like 2 towns over

ok now riddle me this:
Jack is supposed to be too young to work
but he is clearly fit enough to lift TWO ENTIRE SACKS OF GIANT GOLD
AND RUN WITH THEM
GET A REAL FUCKING JOB YOU CRIMINAL
but anyway yeah with their stolen gold jack and his mom are officially rich
there is no record of jack asking his mom if his dad was killed by the giant
presumably because he’s afraid she’ll say no
and his thievery will no longer be morally justified
oh yes
there is definitely more thievery

so Jack and his mom don’t have to worry about food or anything anymore
they are rich as fuck
but Jack cannot stop thinking about fucking over that giant
so one day he climbs up the beanstalk again
and he rolls up to the giant’s castle
and the wife is there again
but she doesn’t recognize him
because he’s dressed like the fucking pimpmaster general
and he’s like hey
can i get some breakfast up in here
and she’s like what does this look like
a goddamn breakfast nook
the last kid who came by looking for breakfast ROBBED OUR HOUSE
and Jack is like look at me
do i look like I need to rob your house
and the giantess is like good point
welcome to breakfast

so jack eats some breakfast
and then they hear the giant coming
and the giantess is like QUICK
INTO THE KETTLE
so in he goes
and then the giant comes in like YO
FLIBBITY BLIP BLAP A BOBBITY BLOUSE
WOMAN I TOLD YOU TO GUARD THE DAMN HOUSE
I’LL ROAST THIS POOR FUCK ON THE END OF MY SWORD
BECAUSE HUMANS ARE THE ONLY MEAT WE CAN AFFORD
and his wife is like CHILL OUT MAN THERE ARE NO HUMANS HERE AT ALL
and the giant is like SERIOUSLY?!
fine whatever
and he sits down and eats a TON of food
and then he’s like WOMAN
BRING ME MY MAGIC CHICKEN
and his wife brings in the magic chicken
and the giant is like HEY MAGIC CHICKEN
LAY ME AN EGG
and it does and it is an egg made of GOLD
and the giant is like LAY
and the chicken is like MORE GOLD
and the giant is like LAY
and MORE GOLD
and then the giant falls asleep for basically no reason at all
what is he out doing all morning that makes him so tired at fucking breakfast time
but anyway Jack again takes this as his cue to fuck everything up
he jumps out of the kettle
grabs the hen
and runs down the beanstalk and back home
thus needlessly adding to their already stupid amount of riches

so time passes
and jack and his mom have so much money they don’t even know what to do with it
they are trying to grow flowers in it and shit but it is not working
because that is not what gold is for
gold is not really for anything
other than making certain kinds of wires and shit
and these people are too dumb for technology
but anyway jack gets bored and he’s like you know what
i know we already have more money than we could ever possibly need
but i just got this new diamond encrusted watch
and because this is the goddamn middle ages and watches don’t even fucking work
it only displays one time
and that time
is time to go fuck over some giants again

So Jack climbs up the beanstalk for a third time
but this time he figures the giant lady might not be too happy to see him
seeing as he has taken advantage of her hospitality TWO TIMES now
so instead he sneaks in through the back way and hides in the oven
now i know what you’re thinking
and no
no one turns on the oven with jack inside and burns him alive
even though they should
no he just stays perfectly safe and cozy in there while the giant comes home like YO
SHIMMY SHIMMY YAH AND HOW YOU DOIN’
SOME DICK’S IN MY CRIB AND MY LIFE IS RUINED
YOU NEED TO GET BETTER ‘BOUT GUARDING THE DOOR
FUCK, WE LIVE IN A CASTLE, HOW’D WE GET THIS POOR?
and his wife is like seriously this time I have no idea what you’re talking about
I know we sat down and had a discussion about bringing strangers into the house
but you gotta believe me i honestly didn’t let anyone in this time
CAN’T YOU SEE
THESE ROBBERIES ARE DESTROYING OUR MARRIAGE
and the giant is like bitch I will destroy YOU
he’s in the kettle isn’t he
i’m gonna look in the kettle
but NOPE!
JACK IS NOT IN THE KETTLE THIS TIME
HE OPTED FOR THE MORE DANGEROUS OPTION AND LIKE USUAL IT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL
so the giant is like fuck this
it’s not even like we’ve got anything worth stealing left anyway
woman
please bring me my magic harp that sings songs
it is the one thing we still have that brings me some comfort and joy
so the giantess brings in the harp
and the giant is like sing me a lullaby harp
and then the harp sings a mega sweet lullaby and the giant passes out
OF COURSE
and Jack is like YESSS
I BET I CAN SELL THIS THING FOR AT LEAST TWENTY BUCKS
and he busts out of the oven and grabs the harp

ALRIGHT
let’s try and contextualize this a little bit
what jack is doing right now
would be like if you invited someone into your house
and they walked out with your computer and your TV
then they came by later
and you invited them into your house again for some reason
and they stole all your credit cards and cleaned out your bank account
and then
while you were struggling to make rent payment and dig yourself out of debt
this same person came back
broke into your house in the middle of the night
and STOLE YOUR FUCKING IPOD
I don’t even have an ipod and this pisses me off

but this harp isn’t about to stand for this shit
see as soon as Jack picks up the harp
it just starts screaming OY
OY
GIANT
WAKE THE FUCK UP
IT’S THAT LITTLE SHIT’S BEEN STEALING ALL YOUR STUFF
and the giant is like WHAAAAAAAT
and he starts chasing after jack
this is it
this is his moment
is jack finally going to have consequences for his actions?
NOPE
he makes it all the way to the beanstalk
and he slides down
and the giant starts climbing down after him like FEE FI FO FUM
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I CHECK THE HOUSE DIRECTLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BEANSTALK
and jack gets to the bottom
and chops down the beanstalk
and the giant falls like several miles out of the sky
probably crushing a lot of the surrounding neighborhood
and jack and his mom live happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if you have some magic beans
i don’t care how much you want a cow
hold onto those fucking beans
you can’t help but use them better than this jack asshole

THE END.

Gonna be a slight delay on new shirt orders gettin’ shipped
cause I gotta make em all
but I GUESS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AREN’T YOU

okay so poor people right

this story is brimming with poor people
if I had to make a pie chart of this story
it would be like
66% POOR PEOPLE
16.5% UNSPEAKABLE EVIL
16.5% DUCKS
no princes anywhere in sight
which doesn’t mean there aren’t any princes lurking around in the forest
there are probably like fifty or sixty of those dudes roaming around
offering people slippers and fucking chicks in the hair
but they are not what the story is about

no my friends
this story is about a poor woodcutter dude
and his poor woodcutter wife
and their poor woodcutter children
who are the only people in this whole goddamn story lucky enough to have names
they are called Hansel and Gretel
to clarify
Hansel is a boy
Gretel is a girl
they just have really asexual names is all

but yeah like i was saying
everyone is mega poor
they are pretty low on breads
and papa woodcutter gets kind of worried
he’s like oh no what happens when we run out of breads
and his wife
(who is the biggest twankbank within a hundred miles
which doesn’t seem that hard in the middle of a forest
until you consider that they live within walking distance of a FUCKING WITCH)
is like here let me pitch you this idea i had
how about
we take our kids into the woods
and we abandon them in the woods
and the husband is like what
no
and the wife is like look if I starve to death who is gonna give you blowjobs
and the husband is like INTO THE WOODS WITH YOU KIDS

but luckily for hansel and gretel
they both have hunger induced insomnia
i mean normally that is not a very lucky thing
but in this case it means that they already know what’s up
so Hansel is like don’t even trip sis i got this
and he runs outside in the middle of the night
and he stuffs a bunch of rocks in his pockets
and Gretel is like Hansel now is not the time for rock collecting you fucking nerd
and Hansel is like shhhh i have a plan

so the next day the mom puts on her bitch cape and starts yelling her kids to death
all like WE ARE GOING INTO THE WOODS TO CHOP WOODS
YOU GET SOME BREAD AND THEN WE ARE TOTALLY NOT GOING TO ABANDON YOU
but Hansel is too clever for her
as she and dad are leading them to their dooms
he keeps hanging back
because he is pretending to hallucinate his pet cat on the roof of their house
but really he is dropping pebbles to mark their way home
FUCKING BRILLIANT RIGHT?
so then the parents build a fire for their kids
and the kids take a nap
and the parents run off home to bone

okay here’s a question
how did the parents find their way home
and not expect their kids to find their way home too
could it be that the parents are also dropping pebbles?
are there just pebbles all the fuck everywhere?
who knows?
the point is then hansel and gretel wake up and follow hansel’s pebbles home
at which point the mom is like FUCK YOU KIDS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and the dad is like oh man thank god you’re back i feel so bad
not bad enough to have not done it but still
pretty bad
and then Hansel and Gretel go to bed
and the mom is like YOU KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO
and the husband is like have more sex?
and mom is like NO WE HAVE TO ABANDON THEM AGAIN
and the husband is like fuck what is it with you and abandoning our kids
why don’t we just eat them how about that
kill two birds with one stone
but the birds are kids
and the wife is like HONEY THIS IS NOT THAT PART OF THE STORY YET
and the husband is like oh
ok
abandonment it is

but hansel and gretel are listening in AGAIN
and hansel is like haha what fucking idiots
i’ll just go out and get more rocks OH SHIT THE DOOR IS LOCKED
no no wait it’s cool i have a plan
it’s a really shitty plan but don’t worry it will totally work

so the next day the mom is like COME NOW CHILDREN
TOTALLY NOT GONNA ABANDON YOU AGAIN
and hansel and gretel are like yeah whatever
and the mom gives them a little bit of bread
presumably to strengthen the lie that they are just going on a family outing
and then Hansel proceeds to crumble the bread in his pocket
and try and do a repeat of last time
all hanging back pretending he sees his pet pigeon on the roof
HOW MANY PETS DOES THIS KID HAVE
AREN’T THEY LIKE FUCKING STARVING TO DEATH?
IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE BEFORE YOU ABANDONED YOUR FUCKING KIDS IN THE WOODS
YOU MIGHT PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO EATING THEIR PETS
but anyway yeah he drops bread crumbs
all the way from his house to the middle of the woods
and then their parents build a fire and they fall asleep and their parents run away
and then hansel wakes up and he’s like gretel
see i handled this
there’s totally a trail of breadcrumbs back home
OH WAIT
BIRDS ATE THEM
COME ON ASSHOLE
YOU ARE IN A FOREST FULL OF BIRDS
BREAD CRUMBS ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEED TO FUCKING BIRDS
THAT’S LIKE TRYING TO MARK YOUR WAY OUT OF A BEAR CAVE
WITH A TRAIL OF STEAKS
actually that’s even worse because then the bear would follow you and eat you also
BUT ANYWAY
so they’re mega ultra fucked
wandering around the woods starving to death
totally unable to remember how to get home
proving that they are dumber than their parents and thus deserve to die
but then SUDDENLY
here comes a house made ENTIRELY OF CAKE
well not entirely
there are obviously parts that are not made of cake
like the parts that are made of CANDY
and so of course hansel and gretel start eating the candy house
even though who else would live in a candy house other than pedophiles
oh that’s right
witches
witches live in candy houses all the time
that’s practically all they ever do
seriously have these kids never read hansel and gretel?
but anyway then the witch comes out like OH HELLO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN
COME EAT MORE FOOD INSIDE MY PEDOPHILE HOUSE
and they do
but then all of a sudden the witch slaps some handcuffs on hansel
all like WHABAM I LOVE EATING LITTLE BOYS
and then she locks him in a cage and makes gretel her slave
the end

no just kidding that’s not the end even though that would be sweet
basically the witch keeps feeding hansel trying to make him fat
but then when she comes by and asks him to stick out a finger to see how fat he is
he sticks out some chicken bone he found
and she is all ARE YOU ANOREXIC YOUNG MAN
EAT MORE FOOD
and this goes on for FOUR WEEKS
and that entire time gretel never manages to come up with a plan for killing her
until finally the witch is like fuck this
you are eating all my food and i am not getting to eat you or anything
it’s dinner time i don’t care how skinny you are
HEY GRETEL COME WARM UP THE OVEN FOR ME
so gretel turns on the oven and it gets super hot
like fire is coming out of it any everything
and the witch is like HEY GRETEL CLIMB INTO THE OVEN REAL QUICK AND SEE IF IT IS HOT
and Gretel is like seriously?
you are about to kill and eat my brother
you expect me to crawl into a stove that is clearly full of fire
now would be a good time to come up with some clever plan to kill you huh
so she racks her brain and then she’s like UH
WHAT IS OVEN?
and the witch is like you fucking idiot
here let me show you what i want you to do
and she goes ahead and CLIMBS INTO THE FUCKING OVEN HERSELF
at which point Gretel slams it behind her
and watches her burn like a goddamn psycopath
and then she’s like well that was easy
and she releases hansel
and then they loot the witch’s house
which is apparently chock full of PRICELESS PEARLS AND DIAMONDS
WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE DOING OUT IN THE WOODS IN A CANDY HOUSE
SHE COULD HAVE JUST BOUGHT CHILDREN TO EAT
man these kids are lucky
they apparently ran into the STUPIDEST FUCKING WITCH ON EARTH

but so they load up their pockets with priceless treasures
and then they start heading home
because suddenly they know the way home
i guess four weeks of forcefeeding and slave labor jog your memory?
and eventually they come to a river they can’t cross
but they see a duck
and they’re no fools
they know how to talk to birds
so they’re like YO DUCK
I KNOW YOU’RE ALL COOL AND YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK
BUT WE’RE TRY’NA GET HOME AND WE’RE A LITTLE BIT STUCK
WE JUST COOKED AN OLD WOMAN AND WE ATE HER LIVER
SO GET YOUR ASS UP AND SWIM ACROSS THIS RIVER
and the duck is like OHHHHH SNAPPPPPPP
and it carries them across the river
and then they get home
and their mom is dead because she’s a bitch and that’s what happens
and their dad is super happy to see them
because now he’s not gonna get blowjobs either way
and he’d rather have his kids and no blowjobs than no kids AND no blowjobs
and then they start chucking priceless treasures all over the house
like HOLY SHIT DAD WE’RE RICH
and they never have any problems ever again forever

so the moral of the story is
if your family is having financial troubles
you should definitely abandon your kids in the woods
because either they will die or they will return with unimaginable riches
win-win

THE END.