Frankenstein: Pretty Irresponsible

Happy halloween assholes
I’m about to go put on spandex
and drink many cups of what I can only hope will be alcohol
because that is apparently what we all do on halloween now
now that we are responsible adults
but anyway here is a thematically appropriate myth
which i am pretty sure numerous people have asked me to retell
it is about stem cell research

OKAY SO THE NORTH POLE RIGHT?

yup
this story takes place AT THE NORTH FUCKING POLE
PAGE ONE
NORTH POLE
BAM
and there’s this dude there whose name I don’t remember
who is like this super rad north pole explorer guy
except not that rad because his boat is stuck in the ice
and then whoa what’s going on
looks like there’s ANOTHER DUDE HANGING OUT AT THE NORTH POLE
doing the main thing people do in the arctic:
freezing to death
So Explorer McStuckboat picks up Colonel Freezypants
who is not actually a Colonel but rather a DOCTOR OF SCIENCE
his name is VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
AND HE HAS A STORY TO TELL
his story is called Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
it goes like this:

so Frankenstein is this dude who is really into science
his mom dies and then he goes to university and gets real smart
and as often happens when dudes get real smart
Frankenstein starts making REAL DUMB DECISIONS
much like a certain other Doktor in another german-centric tale of fail
so Frankenstein is like Hm
I’m a really great science guy and everything
but you know what I should really be doing?
NECROMANCY
so he proceeds to rob every grave in a nine mile radius
duct tapes everything together
and builds a giant ultrahandsome mancoprse
at like 2x scale
so he wont hafta use a magnifying glass to see all the fiddly little nerves and shit
which is basically like if you were building a toaster
and you were like hey you know what would make wiring this thing easier
is if I made it as big as my DOG
MY FRIEND
A DOG-SIZED TOASTER IS NOT GOING TO TOAST YOUR TOAST
IT IS GOING TO TOAST YOUR DOG
AND A DOUBLE-SIZED HUMAN IS GOING TO TOAST MUCH MORE THAN THAT
and this is exactly what Ol’ Franky realizes
IMMEDIATELY AFTER COMPLETING HIS PROJECT AND ANIMATING IT WITH LIGHTNING

but it’s okay, right?
I mean, any intelligent and responsible scientist would have planned for this
maybe put some blast doors on his laboratory
kept some tranquilizers on hand
you know,
anything at all to prevent your GIANT ZOMBIE MANBEAST from rampaging everywhere
no
the only preparation Doctor Frankenstein appears to have made for this
is putting on a pair of grade A sissypants
because his immediate response to this horrible nightmare scenario he created
is to flee the premises and leave his laboratory TOTALLY UNLOCKED
and then he comes back the next day like DURR WHERE DID MY MONSTER GO
I’LL TELL YOU WHERE YOUR MONSTER WENT, ASSHOLE
YOUR MONSTER WENT DOWNTOWN AND MURDERED YOUR BROTHER
yup
that’s what happened
and Frankenstein figures that out pretty quick
but the police don’t
instead the police arrest and hang some random chick
based on really shaky circumstantial evidence
and Frankenstein is CONSUMED BY GUILT

he is so consumed by guilt that his only recourse is to go wandering in the hills
where he meets
GUESS WHO
THE FUCKING MONSTER
and Frank is like OH SWEET HIBBITY JIBBITY
and the monster is like SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH AND LISTEN TO MY STORY
AHEM
(now for those keeping track at home, this is the THIRD frame narrative so far
we are inside a story about the north pole
hearing a story from a dude
about a monster
who just jumped him in the hills inside his story
so he could tell ANOTHER FUCKING STORY)
anyway here is the monster’s story:

so I was animated by lightning, right
and then the first person who saw me fled
so naturally I got pretty freaked
and I ran outside and i ended up in a village
where everyone threw rocks at me and called me names
so i got real sad and hid in the woods
near this house where some blind dude lives
and I spent a long time there
eavesdropping on the dude and his two hot daughters
and also stealing their books to learn how to read
because oh yeah
seeing as my brain is DOUBLE NORMAL SIZE
that means supersmarts ahoy
but anyway yeah I kind of took a shine to this blind dude
so i started secretly doing all these chores for him
but I didn’t tell any of them I was there
because i figured they would throw rocks at me
but then finally one day the blind dude was home alone
and I was like SWEET BEANS, NOW’S MY CHANCE
and I ran in and started having this AWESOME CONVERSATION with him
but then his fucking twank daughters showed up
and flipped their shit
and threw rocks at me
so I ran away and then I kinda found your brother and killed him
because he was your brother and I hate you a lot
oh and then I used my super smarts to frame some random chick
how about having THAT SHIT on your conscience, huh?

so Frankenstein is like geeze dude
I’M SORRY I ASSEMBLED YOU OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE PARTS AND DOOMED YOU TO BE A GIANT FREAK
THERE, I SAID IT
WE COOL?
and the monster is like uh no
how about this
you make me a super sexy doublesize bride
with like a crazy fright wig and shit
and we’ll call it even
and Frankenstein is like okay, sure

so he start building this frankenbride
but he gets halfway through and he’s like waaaaaaait a second
what if this chick just ends up hating that dude?
or even worse
what if she DOESN’T
and then they end up having KIDS
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
and soon after that the monster shows up like hey bro how’s my wife coming along
OH SHIT YOU SET HER BODY ON FIRE
and Frankenstein is like damn right I did
we can’t have you people breeding
and the monster is like WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PEOPLE
I’LL SEE YOU ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT MOTHERFUCKER
and then he immediately runs off and kills Frankenstein’s best bro from College
the dude’s name is Clurvel or something
but I’m not gonna look it up because FUCK SIDE CHARACTERS

so cut to like ten minutes later
frankenstein totally has a bride
and they get married on like a boat or something
and Frankenstein is super freaking out about it
because the monster was all threatening to see him on his wedding night
and he can’t bring himself to believe that what the monster meant
was that he was going to show up with a set of fine china for the dining room
so he’s sitting in his room like OH MAN I’M TOTALLY GONNA GET KILLED HUH
and in the meantime totally neglects to consider
that maybe the monster was planning on killing his WIFE instead
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MONSTER DOES
he like jumps in through a window and is just like HIYAAAA BITCH
and strangles her
and then Frankenstein’s dad dies of shock
because he just found out his son’s new wife got chokeslammed by a zombie
at which point Frankenstein is just like fuck this
it’s monster-stabbin’ time

Now I’m not sure what Frankenstein’s plan is here
like how he figures on defeating a dude double his size and intelligence
but a key part of the plan seems to be following the monster to the north pole
which is a really bad decision because
well, because north pole
and that’s where the boat dude finds him
and hears the story we just heard
and then Frankenstein dies
because, let me reiterate:
NORTH FUCKING POLE
and then immediately afterwards the monster jumps onto the deck and he’s like YESS
I TOTALLY WIN
WHY WAS THIS DUDE STUPID ENOUGH TO FOLLOW ME TO THE FUCKING NORTH POLE
WELP
NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR
BETTER SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO ATONE FOR MY MANY MURDERS
and on that cheery note he leaves
and the ship gets loose from the ice
and everybody sails home
and is severely disturbed for the rest of their lives

so the moral of the story
is that santa claus is dead
he was killed by frankenstein’s monster
who then set himself on fire

THE END.

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Saint Catherine of Alexandria is an Execution Hazard

GUYS GUYS
THIS GREAT AWESOME LADY MADE ME A BEOWULF SWEATER
I WISH I HAD A THOUSAND OF THESE
BECAUSE THAT IS APPROXIMATELY HOW MANY I WILL NEED TO WEAR WHEN IT GETS COLD HERE
BUT YEAH ANYWAY THIS SUPER CLASSY LADY
(Known in underground cage-fighting arenas everywhere as Kate “The Hate” Bates)
WANTED ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANOTHER SUPER CLASSY LADY
NAMED SAINT CATHERINE OF ALEXANDRIA
SO LET’S DO THIS

Alright so Saint Catherine

like most saints this chick was precocious as fuck
like by the time she was seven years old she was already swearing off sexytimes
even though there is no wholesome way she could even know what those WERE
and then she devotes the fuck out of herself to god and jesus and things
and people start to kind of think she is pretty rad
score one for catholocism, am I right guys?

NOT SO FAST
CAUSE HERE COME THE INFIDELS, RUINING EVERYONE’S DAY
Specifically there is this king Maxentius
who is just rampaging up and down the countryside
throwing christians of cliffs and stapling them to bears and shit
and Catherine is having none of that shit
so she shows up at Maxentius’s crib like yo
enough with the stapling christians to bears
and Maxentius is like OH YEAH HOW COME?
and Catherine is like BECAUSE CHRISTIANITY, THAT’S HOW COME
and Maxentius is like oh man that argument is watertight how do I even BEGIN to argue
better call FIFTY PHILOSOPHERS TO DO IT FOR ME
so he does
and Catherine proceeds to brutally subdue each and every one of these philosophers
WITH SHEER FORCE OF RELIGION
this is like a dialectic version of that scene in kill bill
where uma thurman brutally swordrapes the crazy 88
ANYWAY
by the time the dust clears all fifty philosophers are THOROUGHLY CONVERTED
and Maxentius is like fuck
who is going to do my arguing for me now?
Oh I know
HOW ABOUT MY DUNGEON
so he beats the shit out of Catherine and throws her in jail
then he goes out to staple more christians to bears
problem solved right?

WRONG
because while Maxentius is gone, his wife is dumb enough to visit Catherine’s cell
at which point Catherine just instantly converts her to christianity
and also a bunch of other people
and Maxentius comes home like DEAR GOD CATHERINE
YOU ARE LIKE SOME KIND OF RELIGIOUS PLAGUE-BEARER IN MY PLEASANT HEATHEN HOME
What do I gotta do to get you to give this shit up?
huh?
you want a royal marriage?
Bam
royal marriage ahoy
and Catherine is like uh nope
I think I would rather hang out in this prison cell converting your wife
and Maxentius is like OKAY FUCK IT PLAN B YOU GET STAPLED TO BEARS
but he’s all out of bears so they have to use this wheel they found
with like a bunch of knives hot-glued to it
like some kind of crazy knife-wheel
but come on
who thought a knife-wheel was a good idea?
no sooner do they strap catherine to that shit
than it EXPLODES
sending wood and knife shrapnel DIRECTLY THROUGH THE FACES OF EVERYONE IN THE CROWD
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR RUBBERNECKING, ASSHOLES
and Maxentius hears about this and he’s like okay
geeze
just behead her, guys
enough with the fancy stuff
and then they behead her
and guess what
she REFUSES TO BLEED
that’s right, guys
Saint Catherine of Alexandria was a TIME-TRAVELING CHRISTIAN ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to executions
keep it simple
you never know when you’ll have to execute a saint or a robot or something

the end.

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How About Some Subtlety, Apaches?

This myth was brought to my attention by furious drunken brawler extraordinaire
Miller “The Champagne of Dropkicks” Asswhuppensteinn
It is a coming of age story

So this is one of those myths where I almost don’t even need to retell it
I could just copy and paste it
maybe find and replace to swap all instances of “and” for “fucktits”
and i could pass it off as something I just made up

but so there’s this house full of vaginas, right?
yup
big ol’ house just stuffed full of vaginas
they have actually got vaginas hanging on the walls
thick as wallscrolls in an otaku’s cave
this is the quintessential tunaparty
tacofest
clambake
cervical circus
this place is lousy with vaginas is what I’m saying
but the lousiest vaginas of all
are these four girls
called the vagina girls
because as it turns out
they are actually just giant vaginas
giant shapeshifting vaginas that look like girls
oh also
there are no vaginas anywhere else on earth at this point
this place is essentially the fort knox of vagina
except the security team is actually just one guy
or actually a monster
named Kicking Monster
whose MO is to roll up on any poor asshole who enters the vicinity
and kick him INTO THE HOUSE
that is not how guards work usually
but hey
no one who gets kicked into the house ever leaves
so Kicking Monster must be doing something right

so this goes on for a while
and even despite kicking monster
dudes are lining up around the block to take a crack at this vagina house
because let me reiterate
this is a house full of vaginas
and not just a house
THE house
that would be like if someone took all the
well
uh
it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in a house
i don’t know how to make it any clearer than that

so dudes keep getting killed mysteriously
or at least disappearing
until finally this one badass rolls up
named Killer-Of-Enemies
I tell you, man
these Apaches cut right to the chase with their names
and Killer of enemies takes it upon himself to fix this vagina problem
so he kicks kicking monster in the nuts and he busts into the house
and here come the four beautiful vagina girls like OH MY GOD TAKE US NOW
WE LIKE SEX AND THAT’S NO LIE
and Killer-Of-Enemies is like hm
that is a tempting offer
but first I gotta ask you ladies
what happened to all the dudes who got kicked in here?
and the vagina girls are like oh
we ate them
with our vaginas
which are also our whole bodies
and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp teeth
that’s kind of what we do
and Killer-of-Enemies is like WHAT
THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA
look ladies
I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’
but first you gotta take these drugs I brought with me
and the vagina girls are like FREE DRUGS?
COUNT US IN
so Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour berries
which are actually just a ton of rohypnol and ecstacy
and also some kind of tooth-decaying powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth
and the vagina girls are like OH MY GOD THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD
and Killer-of-Enemies is like dang girl I ain’t even banged you yet
and then later he totally bangs them
right in their domesticated vaginas
and it’s great
everyone is very happy for him
and I guess he probably distributes the loose assorted vaginas amongst the people
and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina teeth or women’s rights ever again

so the moral of the story
is that people who live in vagina houses
should not get stoned

THE END
THE END.

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Even Native Americans Have Problems With Giants

so there’s these two bros

their names are Moose and Caribou
isn’t moose the name of one of the guys in Animal House?
that would make sense because a moose is an animal
BUT I DIGRESS

so moose and caribou decide to go fuck around in the nearby giant-infested woods
for no better reason than that there are woods nearby and there are giants in them
THIS IS HOW PROBLEMS GET STARTED GUYS
but apparently not this time
because this time the idiot twins have the good luck to run into this random lady
who is half giant and half Indian
and she is like hm
giants raped my mother
maybe I have a vested interest in helping these two bros fuck over some giants
so she sits them down and she’s like okay dudes
there are three giants up ahead and they are all TREMENDOUS TOOLCLOWNS
they are going to try and kill you IN A VARIETY OF WAYS
and all three of us know you are way too dumb to just not go into the woods
so here is where I totally bail your shit out

so the first giant is no big deal
I will just give you this box of dogs
yes, I said box of dogs
it is a tiny box full of tiny dogs
just rub your hands all over them and they will immediately become large and FURIOUS
and they will take out their fury on the nearest giant

GIANT TWO
he’s this rude crude totally gross dude with toads in his hair
giant poisonous toads
he is going to ask you to do him a solid and crush a toad for him
because he has toads on his head and they hurt
DO NOT CRUSH A TOAD FOR HIM, GUYS
THE TOADS ARE POISONOUS LIKE I SAID AND THEIR POISON WILL KILL YOU
instead, here is a handful of cranberries
break these cranberries over his head and it will sound like you popping a toad
and he will be satisfied by that because really he is a very lazy murderer

GIANT THREE
uh
well there’s really no trick to this one
just
I guess
here
here’s a knife
it’s magic
it can like
stab really good?
honestly you could just use this knife on everybody and it would be fine
anyway have fun

SO THEY DO
they kill the three giants exactly like she said they would
it is fairly unexciting
and once they’re done, what happens?
do they receive magical treasures and sweet promotional contracts for energy drinks?
NO, ASSHOLE
THEY GET NOTHING
THEY JUST ROMPED THROUGH A FOREST FULL OF KILLHUNGRY DICK GIANTS
AND THEIR PRIZE IS NOT HAVING HAD THEIR FACES TORN OFF
I think a lot less people would play DnD if that’s how it worked

but so naturally these two dudes are disappointed
they decide maybe it would be best if they split up
increase their odds of finding treasure and whatnot
and the rest of the story is pretty much just about moose

so moose is walking around and he meets this hot chick
but see the problem is that this chick’s mom is a witch
I do not mean that in a derogatory way
i mean her mom is an actual witch
like with magic and toads and shit
but Moose is all impatient to get his bone on with the witch’s daughter
so he just rolls up to her like HEY MISS WITCH CAN I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER?
and the witch is like SURE
YOU JUST GOTTA DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO FOR A WHILE
and Moose is like dur ok sounds reasonable

so the first night
he goes to sleep in the house
and the witch is like HERE LET ME GET YOU A BLANKET
LET ME GET YOU SEVEN THOUSAND BLANKETS
HAHA YOU WILL SMOTHER MY PLAN IS BRILLIANT
but Moose just cuts some airholes in the blanket
like you might do for a jar full of insects
and he’s totally fine
and for some reason the witch finds this ASTONISHING

so the next day she’s like HEY MOOSE
SEE THAT GIANT HEMLOCK TREE OUTSIDE?
BEAT IT WITH A STICK UNTIL ALL THE BARK FALLS OFF AND GIVES YOU A CONCUSSION
and Moose is like ok
i’m gonna go ahead and not do the concussion part though
because I like not having concussions
so he just uses some fancy dance moves and debarks that tree no problem

so now the witch is SUPER astonished
and she is like okay new plan
let’s go hang out on this far-off island for a while
oh oops I need to go back home and get my
uh
something
can you just hang out here indefinitely while I do that?
and moose is like duhh sure
but then she leaves and he’s like FUCK
SHE TOTALLY JUST STRANDED ME
WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING?
which is a good question
but it’s okay because he gets carried gandalf-style by some seagulls
and shows up back at the house like sup

so finally the old woman is like alright son
I didn’t wanna have to do this but you forced my hand
time for an all-out wrestling match on top of a rocky mountain cliff
no holds barred
may the best man win
and then moose breaks her spine because she is an OLD FUCKING WOMAN

so now that the witch is dead
Moose is totally free to marry her daughter
but oh shit
it turns out the daughter is also a witch
not in the magic and toads sense
she’s just really unpleasant
although in restrospect
that accurately describes the mom as well
I guess there was no magic after all
but yeah the only thing the daughter does that doesn’t piss Moose off
is fishing
she’s great at fishing
but then one day she falls through a hole in the ice and she’s gonna freeze to death
and she’s like HELP ME HUSBAND
HELP
and Moose is like hm
nah fuck it
and then she dies
and Moose is a swingin’ bachelor once more

so naturally after all that shit goes down
Moose has a pretty low opinion of like
other people
so he pretty much keeps to himself
meanwhile his bro is totally living it up with booze and whores
which is why caribou travel in groups and moose do not

so the moral of the story
is before you kill someone’s mom to be with somebody
make sure you are actually into that person first
otherwise you have to let them die in an icefishing accident and that is traumatic

THE END.

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MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER LESBIANS

Today’s myth comes courtesy of a book I found
in a place where the walls were all books
which I think we can all agree
is probably the best kind of place
it is about gay rights

so this chick named bear-skin woman
(which probably should have been a hint right out of the gate)
has this dream about some other chick called Double-Moon-Woman
(so named because her boobs are the size of planetary bodies)
and bearskin woman wakes up and she’s like holy shit that dream was hot
guess I’m a lesbian, huh?
so she goes into the woods and she finds herself a nice bear to settle down with
not a bear as in large hairy gay man
but a bear as in an actual goddamn grizzly bear
a ladybear, just to be clear
because I guess the same-sex dating prospects
in her small native american village
leave something to be desired

so bearskin lady and actual bear lady get along famously
that is until all bearskin lady’s dad and bros back in town hear about this
and become FURIOUS
because now their family is a total sausage fest
and the dad is like BEARS ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING
YOU KNOW
THE GREAT SPIRIT RESIDES WITHIN US ALL OR WHATEVER
I JUST DON’T WANT MY DAUGHTER MARRYING ONE, OK?
so they get together a lynch mob and they show up at the bear cave

but here is something that maybe slipped everybody’s mind:
YOU DON’T LYNCH BEARS
YOU GET MAULED BY BEARS
and guess what sugarpants
looks like bear-skin woman has turned into an actual bear BECAUSE OF SNOGGING SO HARD
so these guys expected a lynching
but instead they get TWO BEARS
needless to say it is a very bad day for a lot of dudes
and the dad and bros return home pretty disappointed

and after that whole violence fiasco
the two bears send a very politely worded letter to the town
all like hey guys we don’t want to cause any trouble
we just want to be allowed to enjoy our marital bliss
(bearital bliss)
in this cave peacefully
and hey
to sweeten the pot
we will even use our magical bear powers to make your farms and shit prosper
just don’t fuck with us
remember:
we are bears

and everybody finds this pretty reasonable
EXCEPT FOR THE DAD AND THE BROS
they’re like SO WE ALLOW LESBIANS TO MARRY
GREAT
WHAT’S NEXT?
ARE WE GONNA ALLOW PEOPLE TO MARRY ANIMALS?
WAIT
FUCK
OKAY ENOUGH POLITICS
TIME FOR VIOLENCE

so they sneak up to the bear cave
and they drop a ton of prickly pears out front
which are apparently a type of fruit that is only good for injuring people
kind of like coconuts
and then they are like WOOP WOOP WE’RE OUT HERE TO MURDER YOU
and the two bears come charging out
and get all these pears in their paws
and it hurts, sure
but guys
THESE ARE FUCKING BEARS
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
DID YOU EXPECT THEM TO FALL OVER AND SCRAMBLE FRANTICALLY FOR SOME TWEEZERS?
BEARS MOTHERFUCKER
UP IN YOUR GRILL

so these dudes are seeing these two huge bears bearing down on them
and they are like oh fuck we are so pooched
when suddenly their sister shows up
because apparently they have a sister
and she shoots an arrow STRAIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS
and they’re like what the hell sis
are you playing for the other team too?
except it’s not a regular arrow
it’s a TELEPORTING ARROW
THAT TELEPORTS EVERYONE IT PASSES
so it passes over all those dudes and teleports them to a slightly farther place
but the bears are STILL AFTER THEM
and also
everywhere their feet bleed
TREES GROW
and everywhere their claws dig into the ground
LAKES APPEAR
guys
even when these dames are murdering
they STILL HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON THE ECOSYSTEM
but so yeah at least the bros have a head start now
they end up running up this huge tree
and the two bear chicks sit down under it
just waiting for these dudes to fall asleep so they can be mauled
when HERE COMES THAT RANDOM SISTER AGAIN WITH HER TELEPORTING ARROWS
she stands in the middle of the tree
and just teleports one dude after another DIRECTLY INTO THE SKY
and then instead of them getting killed by gravity
they all turn into stars
and then she rides her bow
which – oh yeah – WAS ACTUALLY THE MOON THE WHOLE TIME
and goes up into the sky with them
and makes them all her bitches
and the two bear ladies live happily for a very long time
and then when they die they also get to be stars
and they spend the rest of eternity chasing their rascally bros across the sky

so the moral of the story
is lesbians have magic powers
that allow them to change shape and terraform vast tracts of land
you can do whatever you want with this information
but my advice is don’t fuck with lesbians
unless you are a lesbian
in which case probably spend some time thinking about what animal you wanna morph into
I suggest bears

THE END.

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It’s Not As If We Didn’t Know Trolls Were Idiots

I think someone asked me for a troll myth a while ago
and meanwhile, sexy story sage Scheherezade Soulburger
spun me this excellent tale which I will now share with you
it is about woodland conservation

So there’s this family
it is a dad and three sons
and the dad is horribly in debt
these fairytale dudes seem to always be in debt
it’s gotta be either heroin or gambling
or both
but anyway the dad is in some way recklessly irresponsible
and he figures the only way for him to fix his terrible mistake
is to force his eldest son to go out and plunder the surrounding forest for wood
so his eldest son goes out
and he starts murdering a tree
and suddenly a troll pops out like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK
TREES ARE OUR BROTHERS MAN
DO I HAVE TO CHAIN MYSELF TO EVERY TREE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN FOREST?
NOT COOL MAN
I’M GONNA HAVE TO GET SERIOUSLY NONVIOLENT ON YOUR ASS
but of course all of this is in troll language
so what it sounds like is MURDER BLARR DEATH DEATH KILL BLARR TITS
and so the eldest son is like FUCK THIS I’M TOO PRETTY FOR SKULLFUCKING
and he drops his ass and treks his little babypants home

so he gets home
and his dad is like WHAT HAPPENED SON?
DID SOMEONE INSTALL A FLOOR DRAIN IN YOUR TESTOSTERONE GLAND
LEAKING PURE COURAGE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BOWELS
WHERE IT WAS CONVENIENTLY EJECTED
WHEN YOU SHAT YOURSELF IN TERROR
OVER A WUSSY-ASS TROLL?
KID, BACK IN MY DAY WE’D SEE A TROLL
AND WE’D BE LIKE HEY GRANDMA WHAT’S SAGGIN’?
AND IF THAT TROLL RIPPED US IN HALF WITH HIS BARE HANDS FOR OUR IMPERTINENCE
WHY,
WE WOULD KNIT OUR FLESH BACK TOGETHER LIKE THAT COP ROBOT FROM TERMINATOR 2
AND THEN LANCE THROUGH HIM WITH KNIFE ARMS
YOU HEAR ME SON?
KNIIIIIFE ARRRRRMMMMSSSS

and then he turns to his second son and he’s like hey kid
go into the woods and fix papa’s bad decisions okay?
and the second son is like sure pops no problem
and the next day he goes into the woods to fuck up some trees

but no sooner has he taken swing one at this fucking tree
than the troll shows up again like MY FRIEND PERHAPS I DID NOT MAKE MYSELF CLEAR
ALL LIVING CREATURES ARE PART OF A DELICATE WEB OF LIFE
WE MUST STRIVE TOGETHER TO PRESERVE THE MAGIC OF MOTHER NATURE
DON’T YOU REALIZE
EVERYTHING WE DO TO THE EARTH
WE DO TO OURSELVES?????
which in troll language sounds like BALLS BALLS I WANNA SHIT IN YOUR RIBCAGE
so the second dude pisses all over himself and sprints home
and of course his dad is waiting for him at home
and he’s like WASSAMATTER PUSSNEXUS O’MAMMARIES?
CAT GOT YOUR BALLS?
LIKE
DID A CAT ACTUALLY SNEAK INTO YOUR PANTS AND PURLOIN YOUR TESTICLES
SECRETING THEM AWAY IN A HIDDEN DIMENSION WHICH ONLY CATS CAN ACCESS
SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A LEGITIMATE MEDICAL EXCUSE
FOR YOUR CHRONIC FAILURE
TO MAN
THE FUCK
UP?
DIDN’T THINK SO.
HOLY DAMNBOTS WHY DOES MY FAMILY SUCK SO BAD?
at which point is YOUNGEST son
(whose name is Askeladden
which means Ash lad
so apparently this is the origin story of the dude from Pokemon)
is like hey dad let me try how about?
and his dad is like HAHA FUCK THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN GROW A MUSTACHE
and his son is like who needs a mustache when I have BALLS OF STEEL
and he goes into the woods armed only with an axe, a backpack, and some gross cheese.

so he gets into the woods and he starts chopping a tree
and the troll shows up like MURDER MURDER KICKFLIP FACEPUNCH
and the kid runs over to his backpack
pulls out his cheese
and starts squeezing the gross cheesewater out of it
like BACK OFF TROLL
OR I WILL SQUEEZE THE PISS OUT OF YOU LIKE I SQUEEZE THE PISS OUT OF THIS ROCK
and the troll is like HOLY SHIT DUDE CHILL OUT I SURRENDER
and thankfully that phrase sounds the same in both troll and people language
so the troll proceeds to stand idly by while the kid fucking mauls his precious woods
and then when it gets dark he’s like hey man
your house is pretty far away
wanna just come chill in my troll cave?
I try to be a gracious host
you know
when i am dealing with people who could demolish my chest with their bare hands
and the kid is like sure why not

so they go back to the troll’s place
and the troll is like hey dude help me make dinner
go put that MASSIVE IRON POT ON THE FIRE
and the kid is like nah man that’s baby shit
I’ll just go grab the WHOLE DAMN WELL
and the troll is like NO NO DUDE DON’T FUCK UP MY WELL
HOW ABOUT I JUST DEAL WITH THE WATER AND YOU CAN LIGHT THE FIRE
and the kid is like sure
I GUESS
so they start making this huge pot of porridge
and then the kid is like hey
you know what?
I bet I could beat you at an eating contest
and the troll is like SEZ YOU
YOU’RE ON
but see the kid has hidden his leather backpack inside his shirt
so when he appears to be shoveling porridge into his fat face
he is really stuffing it into his backpack
and when it gets full
he slits open the backpack and lets porridge dribble out
and the troll is like OK MAN I CAN’T EAT ANYMORE
and the kid is like relax dude
you can totally eat more
just slit open your stomach like I did
you can eat INFINITE PORRIDGE THAT WAY
and the troll is like What?
That sounds really dumb
and the kid is like Dude did you not just watch me do it?
and the troll is like DURR OK
and slits open his own stomach
and dies
and then the kid loots his massive gold stash
and lives happily ever after with his heroin addicted father

so the moral of the story
is all environmentalists are secretly wealthy
and you should have no qualms about using deceit to murder them
and then taking their gold

the end.

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Don’t worry, Elves will fix it

Today’s myth brought to you by crime-fighting human statue
GRANITE STONE
and it is about poor labor practices

So there’s this shoemaker, right?

he’s super duper poor
not sure why though
according to the story he works mega hard
and he’s virtuous and everything
so I guess life just sucks?

but anyway, this shoemaker is down to just enough leather
to make ONE LAST PAIR OF SHOES
so he sits right down and he cuts out all the pieces
and then he lays them out on his work table and goes to bed
because he wants to get up SUPER EARLY to make these shoes
but when he wakes up in the morning OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
looks like the shoes done got ALREADY MADE
WHAT?!
IS IT DEMONS AND WIZARDS?
WITCHCRAFT?
probably
but we will get to that later
what matters now is that these are some damn fine shoes
and pretty soon a dude walks in and is like I WOULD LIKE TO BUY THOSE SHOES
and the shoemaker sells them
and he makes enough money to make TWO MORE PAIRS OF SHOES
so this shit continues
the shoemaker proceeds to geometrically increase the amount of leather he cuts up
and the shoes just make themselves overnight
and then people show up and buy ALL OF THEM

so this begs the question
this shoemaker was like right on the edge
he didn’t have any money at all
but meanwhile there is apparently a limitless supply of people who need shoes
and are willing to buy them from him at exorbitant rates
so here’s my question
what the fuck happened to all his shoes/money?
answer:
HEROIN ADDICTION

so this heroin addicted shoemaker finally becomes pretty well-off again
and he and his wife are shooting up by the fire one night
and they’re like duuude
we should totally figure out who’s been making all these shoes
i mean i know it’s been like several months
and a normal couple might have already wondered who was breaking into their house
just to make free shoes
but we obviously have more important things to worry about
like heroin

but so they manage to hide behind a curtain
and wait up all night
and all of a sudden
HERE COME A COUPLE OF NAKED DWARVES
and they use their super-nimble fingers to sew up all the shoes child-labor style
and then they scamper back to their dwarfhole to keep each other warm
because they are naked and it is cold
and the cobbler’s wife is like duuuude
we should totally make some tiny clothes for those tiny dwarves
they look cold
and you know
they’ve kind of been solely responsible for our whole fortune
and the cobbler is like okay that sounds good

so the next day instead of laying out a bunch of shoeleather
the cobbler and his wife lay out some really pimped out doll clothes
and the naked dwarves scuttle out to make shoes
and they find the clothes
and they are like YIPPEE
YAHOO
FUCKIN’ CLOTHES TIME UP IN HERE
and they put on the clothes
and they run out of the house
and they are never seen again
and the cobbler is like GOD DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
NOW WHO’S GONNA MAKE ALL THE SHOES?
ME?
PAPA’S GOTTA FEED THE MONKEY, SWEETIE
IT IS A FULL TIME JOB
but then they’re affluent forever so it’s okay
although not really because they have to work and working sucks

so the moral of the story
is never
EVER
clothe your slaves

the end.

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Today’s Myth Brought To You By The Number EIGHT

I was kind of half-intending to do this myth for a while, but then I forgot
thankfully I can count of Rastafarian Action Dynamo Razz “Clever Dan” Amsterdam
to leap out of my forehead Athena-style at opportune intervals
and remind me about important things
it’s great, you should try it

So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods
but those motherfuckers are nothing but problems
we’ve got Zeus for starters
I don’t even wanna open that can of worms right now
but as if Zeus wasn’t enough
we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence
ladies and gentlemen allow me to present to you:
SUSANOO

now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera
my friends, I assure you it is not
it is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms
birthed by Izanagi when he washed his nose one time

So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy
and on his way out he goes to say goodbye to his sister Amaterasu
now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms
so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her
like on his way out
but Susanoo is like noo sis I just wanna say goodbye
here
let me prove my sincerity to you
by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST
and Amaterasu is like sure okay

so what they do
is they each pick an inanimate object
and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to
because in ancient Japan
causing unlikely things to give birth
is a time-honored tradition

so Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword
and she makes it give birth to three chicks
i don’t think i want to know the details of that one
and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes
jeeze the longer i think about this the weirder it becomes
but anyway they finish doing this
and Susanoo is like well I guess I win
because my sword was what gave birth to chicks
and chicks are worth double points
and for some reason they don’t argue over this at all
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because seeing as he is the god of storms
it takes all of six seconds for Susanoo to start making bad decisions
everyone is basically just going around minding their own business
when WHAM WHAM WIMMY WOZZLE here comes Susanoo
he shits all over his sister’s rice fields
then cuts up a fucking pony and throws it at her loom
and then kills one of her attendants for no good reason
basically you can tell he didn’t spend very long planning this rampage
but even so, it ends up being so horrible that the SUN GETS SAD
and it’s dark for a while so that sucks

so of course now he gets exiled for REAL
and he’s wandering around down on earth
when he sees this man and woman crying all over their daughter
and he’s like whoa whoa stop that
what’s going on?
and they’re like oh
well, see, we used to have eight daughters
but every year for the last seven years
one of them has been eaten by the YAMATA NO OROCHI
and Susanoo is like uh
what is that?
and they’re like WELL
it’s a snake
but instead of one head it has eight
and instead of one tail it has eight
and instead of being normal snake size it is as long as eight hills and eight valleys
ARE YOU BEGINNING TO NOTICE A THEME?
also moss grows on its back and its eyes are like cherries
I don’t know how the world turtle and santa claus got mixed in here
but GOD DAMMIT THIS THING IS SCARY
and Susanoo is like pshaw my friends
I am the god of storms
romping and stomping shit is what I DO
how about you let me have your daughter, and I will kill this big snake
and the parents are like ok sure sweet

so immediately Susanoo goes WAZZAP KAGOW
and turns the daughter
(whose name is beautiful rice-field princess by the way)
into a comb
which he immediately stuffs in his hair
presumably to keep her safe
but more likely because he has no idea how sex actually works
we are talking about guy who has made a career out of forcing necklaces to give birth
and then he’s like ALRIGHT GUYS
HERE’S THE PLAN:
I need you to build eight gates
and eight pedestals to put behind the eight gates
and I want you to make eight pots
full of booze that has been distilled EIGHT TIMES
because we’re kind of on a roll with the whole eight thing
and then i want you to set that shit up
and we should be good

so they set all that shit up
and pretty soon the bigass snake comes along
and it smells the octuple-distilled booze and is like OH SHIT
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS HAVING A PARTY
TIME TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE LIQUOR CONTENT OF THAT PARTY INTO MY STOMACH
which is basically what I yell every time i show up to a party

but so yeah, the snake gets absolutely trashed
every single one of its heads is bobbing and weaving and seeing cartoon birds
and then they all pass out
at which point susanoo just strolls by
idly decapitating all eight heads in succession
except he only gets halfway when his sword his something and TOTALLY BREAKS
oh no wait it’s fine
it turns out what he broke his sword on is just A BRAND NEW SWORD
so it looks like it all worked out in the end
pretty soon after that i think they let him back into heaven
because who is going to argue with a guy who just decapitated a snake eight times

so the moral of the story
is no matter what shape or size
drunk animals are HILARIOUS

the end.

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Cry Me a River Why Don’t You?

Today’s myth comes courtesy of avenging super-angel
Gabriel “Celestial Heat Laser” Langston Hughes
it is about how when people are sad they turn into jerks

So there’s this hot chick

oh my god she is so hot
her left breast alone is completely off the Scoville scale
and her right breast is like getting slimed with a dumptruck full of magma
and taken all together
her perfect perfect body has the capacity to melt your face off
like you’re a nazi in raiders of the lost ark
except instead of your face it’s your penis
and instead of melting it
well I mean I think you can extrapolate
and if you don’t have a dick, you’ve still got problems
cause this chick’s red-hot gorgeosity cuts through heterosexuality LIKE BUTTER

so yeah she’s not ugly
and so as a result of her marked lack of ugliness
she is attracting guys left and right
like moths to a really hot chick
but whenever a guy tries to get up ons
she’s like EW GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH
I AM ONLY GOING TO MARRY THE HOTTEST DUDE AROUND

and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
here comes the hottest dude around
he is so hot
that the convection zone created above his head causes birds to burst into flame
melts clouds and heat-lances airplanes
he is the sole cause of global warming
this guy is a sexy, sexy disaster is what i’m saying
and not only that
he is a total badass
like he refuses to ride a horse that is not TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE
and if his horse ever becomes, like, sane or reasonable
he just gives that horse away and goes and ropes him THE MOST RIDICULOUS HORSE
also he’s rich
he’s a rancher or something
and in the immortal words of Mister Gabriel Langston Hughes,
he is canvassing for vaginas.

So Maria sees this hunk of white hot man magma
- or mangma as we call it in the biz –
and he not only melts her icy heart
he fucking VAPORIZES IT
and she’s like DAMN I NEED A NEW HEART
BETTER FIND ME A HUSBAND THAT CAN AFFORD HEART REPLACEMENT SURGERY
AND IS ALSO REALLY GODDAMN SEXY
RANCHER AHOYYYYYYYYYY

so Maria proceeds to win the Rancher’s heart by being a huge bitch
basically by ignoring him all the time and refusing his gifts
which has the paradoxical effect of making him fall TRIPLEBONERS IN LOVE WITH HER
and pull out ALL THE STOPS trying to get up ons
and then they get married
kind of out of spite, it sounds like
and they have a couple kids
but as time goes on
Rancher McHotpants seriously starts to lose interest in his bonerdacious wife
he starts disappearing for like months at a time
and when he comes home he only really wants to talk to his kids
he doesn’t even look at his wife’s sizzling body perfection
and finally ONE DAY
while Maria is out walking the kids
the Rancher pulls up next to them in a big fancy convertible carriage
along with a BRAND NEW MEGAHOT BABE
and he’s like hey children what’s up
gonna go ahead and keep ignoring your mom while talking to you
oops time’s up, gotta go bang my new wife
ZOOM

so now Maria is standing there
with all her kids
and she’s like you know what guys
fuck this
fuck ALL of this
and she drags all her kids down to the river
and just starts chucking them in
one after the other
maybe she is just trying to quench their budding hotness
before it causes any more problems
but honestly I think it is more likely that she is just trying to drown them
but no sooner has she thrown all her kids into the river
than she comes to her senses and is like OH FUCK MY KIDS ARE IN THE RIVER
WHAT DO I DOOOOO
and she starts trying to chase them down and catch them
but how the fuck does she expect to do that?

so yeah her kids die
and then she dies
and everyone buries her and it’s sad
except then the same night they bury her
everybody starts hearing this really obnoxious crying
and they see this woman in a white funeral gown running up and down the river
bawling her eyes out
except those aren’t regular tears
those are GHOST TEARS

so yeah, now Maria
AKA La Llorona
AKA Miss Cryingpants
hangs out by the river in New Mexico
and when she sees kids she does her best to chokeslam them and then steal them
presumably to replace her missing children
but also because that is just the kind of shit ghosts do

so the moral of the story is:
dudes
when you have just done everything in your power to piss off your wife
try not to leave her unsupervised with the children
while you go on a rowdy sexcapade with your new fling
and ladies
don’t cut off your children to spite your husband
he’s probably too busy with his rowdy sexcapade to even notice

THE END.

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Geese Are Jerks

this myth comes courtesy of deadly sniper/barrister
Nate “Bullseye” Lawthrower
it is about a dizzying series of mistakes

so there’s this little girl
she lives in russia
but for some reason her family is in NO WAY DESTITUTE
this feels like maybe the first russian story of any sort
where no one has to live on nothing but grim misery and stale crusts of wretchedness
but i guess stranger things have happened
FOR EXAMPLE:
one day this little girl’s parents go out for the day
they’re like goodbye daughter, we love you
make sure to keep an eye on your little brother so he doesn’t get stolen
and the little girl is like WHATEVER
and her parents are not gone THREE SECONDS
before she stows him on the front lawn and takes off running through the woods

so of course her little brother gets stolen
by GEESE
OBVIOUSLY
and the little girl comes back from her dumb idiot adventure and is like WHOA
WHERE DID MY LITTLE BRO GO
IT IS ALMOST AS IF MY GROSS NEGLIGENCE HAS CONSEQUENCES
oh wait nevermind I totally know who did this
it’s those damn thieving geese
they’ve been hanging around town lately
congregating in alleyways
leering at women
snapping their fingers and starting dance battles
these are clearly unsavory geese and OH SHIT LOOK
THERE THEY GO FLYING INTO THE FOREST RIGHT THERE
so of course she takes off after them

but seeing as she is a dumb little girl who is trying to chase GEESE
she quickly loses them in the forest
but all is not lost
because what does the little girl find
but a STOVE
a TALKING STOVE
and the girl is like oh hey stove do you know where my bro is at?
and the stove is like I WILL TELL YOU
BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT MY DELICIOUS BREAD FIRST
and the girl is like ew no
I have a gluten allergy
and the stove is like fine, suit yourself

so the girl keeps walking
and pretty soon she sees an apple tree
and since everything everywhere can talk ALL THE TIME
she’s just like hey apple tree
where the geese at?
and the apple tree is like FIRST YOU GOTTA EAT MY APPLES
and the girl is like ew no
those apples do not look farm fresh organic to me
and the tree is like what are you talking about
I am a tree in the middle of the fucking woods
and the girl is like DON’T ARGUE WITH ME YOU TREE
TREES DON’T GET TO HAVE OPINIONS
and she keeps walking

so pretty soon she comes across a river of milk
obviously
and the river of milk has banks made of pudding
seems to me like this would be a perfect time to abandon the quest for the brother
and just live in eternal bliss next to a river made of pudding
but instead the girl is like hey river
where the geese at?
and the river is like I WILL ONLY TELL YOU IF YOU EAT MY PUDDING
and the girl is like geeze
what is with all these inanimate objects begging me to eat them
is there a fetish in these woods or something?
seriously
and she keeps walking

and what does she find?
she finds a hedgehog
and she’s like hey hedgehog
where the geese at
please don’t ask me to eat you
and the hedgehog is like what?
dude the geese are like right over there
I’ll totally show you
what, did all the creepy inanimate objects try to impose their eating fetish on you?
happens all the time

so they go find where the geese went
and it turns out they went to BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
you know, the one with the chicken legs and a big ‘ol twank living inside
so the girl just rolls straight up to the house
snatches her brother
who is actually having a super good time playing with golden apples
and starts running
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?

NO
because now the geese are chasing them
and the geese have already demonstrated
that they can fly faster than these dumb kids can run
so the girl and her bro are in kind of a tight spot
but luckily now is when they run headfirst into the milk river
and the girl is like QUICK, MILK RIVER
HIDE US
and the river is like ARE YOU GONNA EAT DADDY’S PUDDING?
and the girl is like SURE WHATEVER
and she eats some pudding
and the river hides them
and then they gets out and starts running again
and the geese are catching up
and they run into that apple tree
like QUICK, APPLE TREE
SAVE US FROM THESE JERKS
and the apple tree is like boy I would love to
but I have all these apples that are remaining woefully uneaten
and the girl is like FINE I WILL HUMOR YOUR APPLEJACK BULLSHIT
and she eats an apple and then the tree grows a million new branches
and protects them from the geese
but see then they need to bust out again
and keep running home
and now the geese are seriously right the fuck up on their heels
and it is at this moment
that they run smack dab into that magic talking stove
like HEY CHILDREN JUMP INSIDE ME
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU EAT THIS BREAD I MADE
and the girl is like GLUTEN ALLERGY BE DAMNED
ALSO DANGEROUS HEAT-CONDUCTING DEATH CHAMBER BE DAMNED
and she eats the bread and jumps into the stove with her bro
and the stove slams shut
conspicuously fails to roast them alive
even though everyone agrees that would be TOTALLY HILARIOUS
and also 100% justified
and then eventually the geese get bored and go home
and meanwhile the girl and her bro rush back to their house
just in time for their parents to get home
and never have to find out how worthless and incompetent their daughter is

so the moral of the story
is never turn down free food
it saves time, and protects you from angry geese

THE END.

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