No One Agrees Who The Hell Pan Gu Is

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT
TODAY IS BONUS DAY
it is bonus day because I give too little of a shit to pick one myth
and so instead I am going to tell you TWO CONFLICTING MYTHS ABOUT THE SAME DUDE
they are about personal hygiene and genetic modification respectively

okay so Pan Gu right?
apparently back in the day he was a dude living inside an egg
where was the egg, you ask?
probably in china
because that is where this myth is from
BZZ
WRONG
CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THIS STORY
THIS IS A CREATION MYTH
TRY TO KEEP UP
so yeah actually this egg is pretty much all there is anywhere
and inside the egg is all this cool shit
like lava and birds and mountains and shit
and also this dude Pan Gu like i said
but so even though Pan Gu literally has access to EVERYTHING THERE IS
he gets pretty bored inside this egg
and he’s like FUCK THIS
and he picks up an axe and breaks that fuckin’ egg in half LIKE A BOSS
then he proceeds to have an EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND-YEAR growth spurt
constantly holding the top of the egg balanced on his head in the process
which basically turns the top of the egg into the sky
and the bottom into the earth
it is very important that Pan Gu maintain proper posture because otherwise we’re all fucked
but so yeah then his beard turns into forests and shit
I think his bone marrow turns into rubies also
and something about his breath and wind and birds
whatever
this dude is basically everything
so you can kind of assume that if there is a thing
it probably came about as a result of one of Pan Gu’s bodily processes
but the best part is where humans come from
because apparently
humans are the lice coming off this dude’s corpse when he dies
yep
we are lice

so the moral of the story is
never bathe
because it is genocide

BUT GUYS THERE IS A DIFFERENT STORY ABOUT PAN GU THAT MAKES NO SENSE IN RELATION TO THIS ONE
in this one Pan Gu is a dog
owned by the Emperor of Heaven
Gao Xin
and Gao Xin is terrible at animals
so he keeps his dog inside a gourd on a plate in his house
i don’t even know if he pokes any air holes in the gourd
but anyway Gao Xin has an enemy named King Fang
which I think we can all agree is a great name for an enemy
and Gao Xin is like OKAY GUYS
WHOEVER KILLS KING FANG CAN BANG MY DAUGHTER
but despite the fact that his daughter is mega hottt
no one wants to go up against King Fang
because King Fang is a pretty rough and rowdy dude with a very intimidating name
but see Pan Gu the dog gets fed up with everybody’s sissynandering
and he just busts out of his gourd
runs over to king Fang’s house
and is like WOOF WOOF ASSHOLE
and King Fang is like oh look at the little puppy
NOW THAT GAO XIN’S DOG HAS ABANDONED HIM WE SHALL BE UNSTOPPABLE
but his evil monologue is cut short by Pan Gu removing Fang’s head with his teeth

so Pan Gu brings the head back to Gao Xin
and Gao Xin is like OH SNAP
NICE WORK DAWG
HAVE SOME MEAT
but the dog won’t eat anything at all
I guess he is kind of freaked out that he just BIT A MAN’S HEAD OFF
he doesn’t eat for 3 days and he just lies around like a chump
until finally Gao Xin’s daughter shows up like sup dawg
are you depressed because I don’t want to bang a dirty canine?
and the dog is like FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK
turns out all you gotta do is place me under a golden bell for seven days
and not look at me at all
and I will turn into a human
and Gao Xin’s daughter is like well that is convenient
good thing you can talk and are also magic
man being an animal in an ancient myth is great

so the chick puts the bell on the dog
but after like six days she gets worried
because i mean
chilling out under a golden bell is pretty pimp and all
but it is also a great way to starve to death
so she lifts up the bell to look at Pan Gu
but OH SHIT WHAT’S THIS
LOOKS LIKE THE TRANSFORMATION IS NOT COMPLETE
so he’s got the body of a human
but the head of a dog
like some kind of chinese minodogataur
and after that the magic won’t work
it’s like cooking rice or something
all the magic steam got let out so now he’s this weird thing forever

but the princess feels bad so she still marries him
but then she kind of doesn’t want to be seen with him
so they move to earth
and they live in hiding for the rest of their life
and Pan Gu wears a bag over his head during sex

so the moral of the story
is let sleeping dogs lie
so you can have sex with them and it won’t be gross

THE END

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Makóma is better than you

Here is a story I thought you might like
it is about testosterne

alright so this chick gives birth to a fully formed dude
and not just any fully formed dude
but a fully formed megadude complete with a hammer and a sack
and I don’t mean his ballsack
although let me assure you
he has one of those
more than one, actually
this guy has a whole wardrobe of ballsacks for different occasions
but they are all the same model:
KEVLAR MAGMA FURY

so this guy is kind of intimidating obviously
even his mom is a little afraid of him
but finally she comes up to him like hey son
uh
what should we call you?
and instead of answering her very simple question
this dude is like BRING ME EVERY RADICAL DUDE IN THE LAND

so his mom summons all the rad dudes
and this sack guy leads them all down to the river
where there are thousands of angry crocodiles
and he’s like okay guys
who wants to murder all these crocodiles?
and predictably no one raises their hand
so he’s like fine
straps on his heftiest ballsack
and just dives right into the water
and then ten seconds later the whole river EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF CROCODILE BLOOD
and this guy walks out all gory and shit
and he’s like okay
you guys can call me Makóma
it means >
because I > you

so everyone is pretty okay with this
because no one wants to be greater than Makoma
if it means one-manning a river full of pissed off crocodiles
so Makoma decides to go off into the world and kill shit for a while
presumably because he’s bored

so Makoma is walking along with his hammer and his sack
and he runs into a giant who is busy making mountains
and he’s like YO GIANT
WHAT CHOO DOIN’
and the giant is like i’m just making mountains dude
who are you?
and Makoma is like I AM MAKOMA
WHICH MEANS >
BECAUSE I > YOU
and the giant is like RAAAAA FUCK YOU ASSHOLE
but Makoma just hits him with his hammer and gives him a concussion
it is such a hardcore concussion that it causes the giant to shrink to tiny-size
and transfers all his powers to Makoma
and then the giant is really keen n being Makoma’s servant
dude
this is one hell of a hammer

so Makoma puts the giant in his sack and he keeps walking
and he runs into a giant who is digging massive trenches
and he’s like YO GIANT WHAT CHOO DOIN’
and the giant is like I am just making riverbeds dude
who are you?
and Makoma is like I AM > YOU
and the giant is like WHAT A SMARTASS ANSWER
TIME TO DIE
but then Makoma hits him with his hammer
and he shrinks
and makoma steals his powers and puts him in a sack

he proceeds to do this again and again
the first time he does it to a dude who is planting giant thorn trees
for elephants to eat
and the second time
he does it to this dude he finds up in the mountains
EATING FIRE
both of them he handles with the tried and true method
of insult/bludgeon/steal
and at the end of this ridiculousness
he has successfully deprived the world of its only sources of mountains,
rivers,
trees,
and fire
i mean he has all those powers now
but what
you think he’s gonna use them?
this is a dude whose goal in life is to roll up on big dudes while they’re at work
beat their skulls in
then remove their ability to work
this is not the humanitarian of the year we are talking about
but even so
all these tiny giants he’s captured are SUPER loyal to him
presumably because he still has his magic giant-beating hammer

so pretty soon Makoma comes across this nice clearing in the woods
and he’s like EXCELLENT
WHAT A PERFECT CLEARING FOR ME TO LIVE IN
THIS WAS MY GOAL ALL ALONG
that’s right guys
this dude just manhandled four giants
while he was out HOUSE-HUNTING
so yeah he tells one of his giant slaves to make him dinner
while everyone else goes out and gathers building materials

but oh shit what’s this
when Makoma arrives home in the evening he finds his cooking giant tied to a tree
by a SINGLE GIANT HAIR
and he’s like yo dude this is pretty lame
what happened?
and the little giant is like okay
right after you left this dude showed up
with the SWEETEST MUSTACHE
seriously
you could not see the ends of this fucking thing
this thing wasn’t just a soupcatcher
it was soup’s worst nightmare
a fiendish contraption designed to catch ALL THE SOUP
anyway yeah I told him I worked for you
and he tied me to a tree with part of his mustache
and here we are
and Makoma is like well FUCK THAT

so over the next few days he keeps leaving different dudes at camp
and they keep getting tied to trees
until finally he just says fuck it and waits there himself
and pretty soon this mustache dude shows up
and he’s like ARE YOU MAKOMA
and Makoma is like well I am certainly > you
and the mustache dude is like WELL I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE RIVER
MY MUSTACHE IS FOG
NOW WE MUST KUNG-FU FIGHT
and they do
and initially the river mustache guy is too slippery to hammer
but then Makoma just throws his sack over the guy’s head
and it’s no problem at all
so that’s good

and then the next day Makoma is like hey guys great job helping me build this house
but I just got a call from my ancestors
and they were like hey dude
you need to go kill this five-headed giant named Sákatirína
and I was like sure okay
I mean I’m the greatest so that’s fine
and then he gives all the giants their powers back for some reason
I guess cause otherwise this would just be TOO EASY
and then he goes to find Sakatirina and fuck him up

so he ends up in some far-off land or other
and he sees a house
and he walks in and there are 2 chicks inside
and he’s like hey guys have you seen this dude Sakatirina
and they’re like dude
you have totally come to the right place
we are his wives
and he is that giant thing outside whose legs look like mountains
and whose upper body is entirely obscured by clouds
honestly we are not sure how he plans to have sex with us
but when a dude like that decides to marry you
there are not a lot of tactful ways to decline
then they probably keep talking but it doesn’t matter
because Makoma is already outside
beating Sakatirina’s feet with his hammer

so he’s beating these legs
and he hears this voice from way far up
like HEY WHO’S BARELY MANAGING TO INCONVENIENCE ME DOWN THERE?
and Makoma is like IT’S ME
but he has poor stage presence and cannot project his voice into the stratosphere
so he is obliged to attract Sakatirina’s attention again
by setting his fucking feet on fire
at which point Sakatirina just kind of lightly picks him up
and murders him
except wait what the fuck is this
it turns out killing Makoma actually turned him into SUPER SONIC MAKOMA
because he suddenly grows huge
and picks up his hammer
and just starts beating the fuck out of Sakatirina
and Sakatirina is like oh man this is awesome
it was so lonely when i was the only tall guy
and they fight for like days and days
until they both pass out
and when they finally wake up the great spirit is there
like guys
that was awesome
that was too awesome for earth
you have to go live in space now
so they do
and everything pretty much goes back to normal
except for the dead crocodiles
who just stay dead

so the moral of the story
is that the only reliable measure of a person’s greatness
is their ability to beat people with a hammer

THE END

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