Cuchulainn is the megatron of killing people

desperate sweaty thankyou
to human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinson
for hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal myth
and also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this post
PS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to me
that would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?
ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?
BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
AND HAND THEM TO YOU
ALL OF YOU
ALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstory
cause there are these two swineherds right
they belong to these two different gods who don’t really matter
but they hate each other SO MUCH
they keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each other
you know
instead of herding swine
don’t give your swineherds superpowers guys
this is the kind of shit that happens
productivity goes WAY DOWN
anyway they turn into birds or whatever
and then they get careless and some cows eat them
and thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLS
there is a white one and a brown one
and the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster
(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)
and the white one gets taken by this chick Medb
who rules the kingdom of Connacht
except the bull is sexist
and decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husband
which is problematic because apparently in Celtic households
whoever has more money makes the rules
and Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit on
not about to lose that privelege
so she is like OY
KING OF ULSTER
I AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHS
COST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULL
and the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSS
but then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guys
like haha joke’s on that asshole
if he said no we were just gonna take the bull anyway
and the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAT
and Medb is like ok fine
hurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on you
AND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulster
because due to some hilarious curse
all of the warriors in the whole damn place
are laid up with ultimate menstrual cramps
because they pissed off some sorceress or whatever
so Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSURED
but actually
victory is not assured
because remember
Cuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right now
and Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPS
OBVIOUSLY
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPS
HE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN
AND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNS
AND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPE
JUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM
who can do anything about this incoming invasion
but whoops
he kind of forgets
and starts having a bunch of sex
but then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMY
and he is like it’s cool guys i got this
and just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBAT
ONE AT A TIME
AT A RIVER
BECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODY
oh man i don’t think i ever told you guys
Cuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOES
ALSO FOURTEEN PUPILS
WHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?
BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITS
but anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudes
and Cuchulainn keeps murdering them
and this goes on for a WHILE
some people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those people
but anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJURED
and he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancing
and he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulster
just charge at that whole army and get MASSACRED
and then Cuchulainn is like wait a second
I have two options here
I can lie here like bleeding
like a PUSSY
OR
I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE
I CHOOSE OPTION B
and this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friends
there is a thing in this legend
called the warp spasm
and it is like a combination of footage from transformers
voltron
and an american werewolf in london
NOW WITH MORE BLOOD
let me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of all
his legs turn backwards
I have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampage
but apparently you need your knees on the same side as your butt
also your feet and shins apparently
i guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONT
but that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his face
in fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADS
and they are all moving around and flexing
and then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head
until it disappears
and then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking face
I have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous rage
but i guess apparently it does
also his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking ears
and his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throat
along with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIRE
oh yeah
and now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULL
STRAIGHT UP
JUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOOD
FIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR
MY FRIENDS
IF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KING
AND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABY
WHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATE
AND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME
THE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HERE
oh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people
in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALP
also he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshit
which ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the army
and leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two options
stay here and get killed
or run away and still probably get killed
but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has become
so they start running the fuck away
along with Medb
but BAM
right at this very moment
MEDB GETS HER PERIOD
KAPOW
NATUREBULLET TO THE COOTER
and she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GOD
and Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOU
WAIT
NO
KILLING WOMEN IS WRONG
THERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DO
AND THAT IS KILL WOMEN
EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFORE
so he lets her go
and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behind
and eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual cramps
and run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left over
and no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story is
fuck plastic surgery
the uglier you are
the badder your ass

THE ENDDDDDDDD

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Cuchulainn Rapes His Way To Success

So first off i just want to say whats up
to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog
over the past couple days
thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit
I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME
so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos
where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk
well I have wanted to do something with them for a while
but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking
is anyone good at animating stuff?
because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated
if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you
60/40
WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT
Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations
even though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guy
who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines
rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND
well this myth takes place earlier in his life
back when he still had all his intestines in his body
see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer
so her dad
FORGAL THE WILY
is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter
so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad
and hangs out for like ten minutes
to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING
like this dude is winning at JUMPING
and SWIMMING
and FISTS
and BAKING
and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit
if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well
I can’t have that
luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass
I have a plan
HEY CUCHULAINN
and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT
and in the process he wins at yelling
and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do
go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach
she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit
that will definitely murder you
and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you
and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homies
Laegaire Battle Winner
and Connall the Victorious
except both of them puss out almost immediately
and are like sorry dude gotta go uh
wash our beards
yes
which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames
by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES
but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal with
is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass
that can like impale your feet and give you aids
guys this is either some kind of magic
or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment
but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet
Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD
so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen
if it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it
but he just grabs those fuckers
and stuffs them down each others’ throats
basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder
murducken
you’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE
because then there is this bridge
it is the shittiest bridge ever
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT
THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES
IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE
THAT’S BASICALLY JUST
A SHITTY LADDER
but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge
and he is like no problem i can handle this
but it turns out nope
no he can’t handle this
he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure
until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS
and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE
I wish I could draw you a picture of this
because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place
and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok
i’ll train you
so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter
then she finishes training him
and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior
how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine
i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA
it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs
you should steal it
and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE
but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife
although honestly
i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends
because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife
I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough
so he rapes her
and then she gets pregnant
and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go
dammit what happened to my gae bulga
CUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude
so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible
which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name
or who his parents are
and then when he’s like 13 or whatever
Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad
so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place
and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you
but the kid can’t say
you know
BECAUSE OF MAGIC
so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION
and the kid still can’t say shit
and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT
ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU
so he does
but then it turns out he just killed his son
PRANKED
some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge
but i prefer to think of this
as a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the story
is sometimes actions have consequences
but that only matters
if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

THE END

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