WE INTERRUPT THIS WEBSITE TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN:
AKA Santa Claus
AKA Kris Kringle
AKA Beardo McTreasurepants
Has been sighted on the way to your location.
Where is your location?
He’s on his way EVERYWHERE
ALL AT ONCE
So he can SNEAK INTO YOUR HOME
and leave his stuff in there.
Do not cry, or even pout
his sleigh is equipped with grief-seeking reindeer
in fact, try to avoid experiencing emotions of any kind
this is the safest way to avoid an incident.
Why is he here?
No one knows
what we do know is that he has created a list
which he has pored over EXTENSIVELY.
It is a list of every single living human
and he uses it to pass the sorts of judgements
normally reserved for the old testament god:
that is, whether you have been NAUGHTY
But this jolly red home invader does not need to concoct arbitrary tests of loyalty
or specify a list of commandments
in order to assess your virtue
no, no, no
Santa Claus knows EVERYTHING.
He watches you sleep
he’s there when you wake up
he KNOWS every bad thing you have ever done
so for fuck’s sake
DON’T DO BAD THINGS.
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU NEED A REASON NOT TO DO BAD THINGS?
Okay, well consider this:
we are talking about a man
who is constantly experiencing every moment
of every life
of every man woman and child on the planet
with special attention paid to their most wretched acts.
You know how police officers and criminal lawyers eventually lose faith in humanity
just because of all the shit they’ve seen?
The shit they’ve seen is like Bob Ross painting a happy little sheep
compared to the atrocities Saint Nick has witnessed
just to decide whether Kim Jong Un is getting any presents this year.
And that’s not the worst of it
Santa is specifically in charge of judging the souls of CHILDREN
if there was a button for children to press
that gave them a piece of candy
but killed a thousand people
there would be no more people.
I never thought I’d say this
What does all this mean?
It means that centuries of watching a montage of unforgiveable acts
has driven this omniscient fat burglar COMPLETELY INSANE
AND NOW HE IS COMING TO YOUR HOME
ALL OF YOUR HOMES
SWEET CHRIST I HOPE YOU LOCKED YOUR CHIMNEY
SO, I REPEAT:
DO NOT CRY
DO NOT EVEN POUT
I’M TELLING YOU WHY:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING
AND YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD
YOU’LL LEAD HIM RIGHT TO US.
So there are these animals in a hostile environment
they have wickedly hooked chitonous growths sprouting from their heads
and their feet are edged with a thin rim of razor sharp bone
these animals are called reindeer
and they have basically cornered the market for living in terrible places
I mean polar bears live in terrible places too
but what if a polar bear and a reindeer are living in the same place huh?
obviously the place you are living is significantly more terrible if there is a bear in it
and you are not the bear
REINDEERS WIN THIS DUBIOUS PRIZE
so anyway these animals are just chilling out in winterhell
digging craters into the tundra with their weaponized hooves
so they can slurp the lichen from between sheets of uncaring ice
when they notice that something is amiss in the herd
one of the reindeer
now what you have to understand
is that reindeer can see much further into the spectrum than humans
The world basically looks like a perpetual blacklight party to them
or maybe a crime scene
bodily fluids all conspicuously spattered over everything
especially places where you like to eat food
reindeer see ultraviolet light is what I’m trying to say
and it appears that one of these reindeer
has a SUSPICIOUS APPENDAGE
this dude’s nose is emitting ultraviolet radiation at a goddamn alarming rate
to the other reindeer this makes the nose appear very, very shiny
one might even say
This reindeer (let’s call him Rudolph, for convenience) is shunned by his comrades
this is because they do not want fucking skin cancer
and here’s this mutant reindeer with a tiny chernobyl going off inside his face
and he’s wondering about why he doesn’t have any friends
in this story reindeers have the ability to wonder
there is no research to support this
but this is what is known as narrative convenience)
luckily for Rudolph
a local entrepreneur is looking to take his freight-delivery business global
he is not a very good entrepreneur
seeing as he has set up business at the north pole
and also he carries his packages jumbled together in a huge burlap sack
tenuously secured to an open-topped sled
basically he is hoping that the novelty of his operation will outweigh any disadvantages
anyway what this guy
(let’s call him Santa)
is looking for right now
is a cheap and renewable source of energy to propel his stupid sleds
and he has heard about this reindeer with the carcinogenic nose
so, on the assumption that anything that causes cancer must do something cool
Santa goes and hits rudolph up
he’s like hey man
i hear you are some kind of mutant
can you like
run really fast
or fly or something?
and Rudolph is like hey yeah
I can totally fly
that’s not really that special though
all reindeer can fly apparently
and Santa is like holy shit how did I not know about this
I’m going to be fucking rich
But santa feels like he’s sort of commited to rudolph
so he hires him anyway
and when the other reindeer find out that rudolph has a job and money and shit
they all start trying to be his friends
and he is so starved for affection that he ends up getting them all jobs towing the sled
and they use his freakishly glowing nose as a form of radar or something
and at some point santa starts giving out all his shit for free
which is pretty irresponsible because who knows where that shit came from in the first place
there are a lot of holes in this story to be honest
what’s important to remember
is that everyone died of skin cancer