The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

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Warning: This Myth Contains a Taxi

Hey guys guess what

some awesome masked superhero
donated ten dollars to me
TEN
AMERICAN DOLLARS
what does that mean guys?
that means that if some combination of caped internet vigilantes
gives me a total of TEN MORE DOLLARS
I will do a video myth
of the ENTIRE FUCKING ILIAD
skipping all the boring parts
guys my car is broken
yesterday I sat in my broken car
with a large bisexual man
who conducted a very personal interview
for three hours
because he said he would pay me 40 dollars
it cost me 50 dollars to get my car towed

anyway here’s a myth

so I hope you like ethiopia guys
because this is the most ETHIOPIAN GODDAMN MYTH
you have heard ALL WEEK
unless you are in the habit of seeking out and reading
very ethiopian myths
and even then
i feel like those would probably just be
exactly the same amount of ethiopian as this myth

basically there is this taxi ok
the taxi driver is giving three animals a ride
because either he is crazy and has nothing better to do
or he is an idiot who thinks animals have money
anyway the animals in his car are a donkey
a goat
and a dog

so the driver comes up to the donkey’s stop
and the donkey is like here you go sir
here is exact change
followed by a reasonable tip for your services
and the taxi driver is like I KNEW ANIMALS HAD MONEY
THEY ALL LAUGHED
BUT I KNEW
and then he speeds off

so then he comes up on the goat’s stop
and the goat does a fucking dive roll out of the car
like HAHA LOOKS LIKE NOT ALL ANIMALS HAVE MONEY ASSHOLE
SEE YOU IN HELL THUNDERTITS
and runs the fuck away

so now it’s just the dog and the taxi driver in the car
and the taxi driver goes ahead and drives the dog
all the way to his stop
and it is pretty awkward the whole way
because like
the dog’s friend just ripped the cabby off for 20 bucks or whatever
but finally they get to dog’s house
and the dog hands the cabbie a hundo
oh wow
did i just fucking say hundo
dammit now i am going to have to spend the rest of the week
going back through the events of my life
to figure out when i became someone i never wanted to be
anyway dog gives the driver a large
LARGE
bill
and is like may i have some change please sir
and the cabbie is like NUP
LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE PAYING FOR YOUR ASSHOLE FRIEND TOO
VROOM BITCH
and he takes off

so of course dog is like AW FUCK NO
and starts running after the cab
and that is how it has been ever since:

dogs run after cabs trying to get their hundos back

goats get the fuck out of dodge cause they still owe money

and donkeys do not give a fuck

so this is actually a very instructive myth
there is a lot of wisdom to be gained
depending on who you are

if you are a donkey
don’t worry about it
you’re good

if you’re a goat
what the fuck asshole
come on

if you’re a dog
try carrying exact change
and having less shitty friends
also instead of running after a fucking car
trying running after your shitty friend
even though he probably doesnt have any money
prolly spent it all on booze and goatwhores

and finally
if you are a taxi driver
which is more likely because you can read
do not give rides to animals
even if they do have money
which they shouldn’t
because they are animals
one in three of them is going to rip you off
although if one does
you can always steal the money from a dog
which shouldn’t be hard
cuz they are already running after your car

The end

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