Okay so christmas right?
many of you are probably having some RIGHT NOW
others are probably having some chinese food
and yet others are probably having sex or ambivalence
it’s a big crazy world out there and not everybody likes christmas
but you know what everyone likes?
STORIES ABOUT JERKS
FEATURING GHOSTS
so that’s what we’re gonna partake in right now
religion be damned

so there’s this guy Ebenezer Scrooge
and how the hell are you supposed to not be an asshole
with a name like EBENEZER SCROOGE
that’s like naming your dog poopypants mcpisscarpet
and then being all shocked when he shits your bed
but yeah
this guy is TERRIBLE at christmas
first he threatens to call the police on some holiday charity dudes
and then he only begrudgingly gives his secretary christmas day off
and even then
he only does that because EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT
so not only is he a jerk
he is an impressionable jerk
he also kicks some puppies and has some pretty uncomfortable ideas about racism
just saying
this guy is top notch at being terrible

so he goes home
to sit in his cold house and ruminate on how much he hates kittens and friendship
when BAM
HERE COMES A GHOST
although Bam is not really a good sound effect for a ghost appearance
and Bamf is copyrighted
so let’s just say the ghost appears with a SPAGOOSH
and leave it at that
okay so there’s this ghost
this ghost is the ghost of one of scrooge’s old partners in douchebaggery
one JACOB MARLEY
who does not even have the excuse of an evil name to fall back on
he died 7 years ago from laughing too hard when an orphan fell down
and now here he is
a ghost
COVERED IN CHAINS
and he’s like hey scrooge
and scrooge is like JESUS BALLS GET AWAY FROM ME
and Marley is like no dude it’s okay
i usually watch you sleep anyway
but listen man
you gotta clean up your act
these chains represent what an asshole I was while I was alive
and your chains are bout to be DOUBLE STRENGTH LEAD GIRDERS at the rate you’re going
so just a heads up
there are gonna be some more ghosts coming by here later tonight
they are going to tell you about christmas and stuff
seriously
these guys pulled out all the stops for you
I dunno why they’re trotting out the holiday heavy-hitters
for an emaciated miser with a name like an anal polyp
but hey I don’t make the decisions
I’m just some asshole covered in chains
anyway see you later
try to get some sleep

so scrooge is scared shitless obviously
but he’s also a little senile so he falls asleep anyway
and then later
SPAGOOOOSH
here comes another ghost
this ghost is super gender ambiguous
wearing a white robe
and balancing a candle on its head
not the most intimidating of ghosts, my friend
so scrooge is like okay ghost
who are you and why are you in my house
and the ghost is like I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
I AM HERE TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH A SERIES OF CHRISTMAS FLAAAAASHBAAAAAACKS
SPOOOOOOOKY
so okay they go back in time
they use some kind of spooky ghost time travel
and they go back to scrooge’s childhood
and they watch him sit in a room reading books over the christmas holiday
at boarding school
because his dad won’t let him come home or something
but honestly
reading books over christmas is pretty much what I do ANYWAY
so I don’t see where this guy gets off complaining
except then cut to the next scene
and it is his sister saying he doesn’t have to stay at the boarding school
cause his dad has stopped being a dick
and he can come home now
and they have a feast and it’s great
BUT THEN LATER HIS SISTER DIES
oh nooooooo
and then there’s this other time where scrooge is working for this dude
the dude’s name is Fezziwig
which is basically the opposite of scrooge
so it is no surprise at all when that dude throws a MEGA SWEET CHRISTMAS PARTY
and everyone gets laid
and this illustrates the true meaning of christmas
and also scrooge is lightly traumatized from having to relive his sister’s death
yessssss
so then the ghost puts the final nail in the coffin
(a figurative coffin though, not a literal coffin
the literal coffin comes later
uh
spoilers)
by taking him to see the time when this chick he was into totally dumped him
because he was too into his money
and scrooge sees this
and he feels really bad
he feels so bad that he punches the ghost right in its candle head
like he literally punches its lights out
and then he wakes up in bed
and he’s like shit
I gotta do this 2 more times?

YES
because then here comes the ghost of christmas present
who is a big fat dude who knows how to PARTY
he’s got a big beard and an empty scabbard cause i guess he forgot his sword
and he shows up to Scrooge’s house WASTED
and he’s like duuuuude
it is time to look at the PRESENT of christmas
and Scrooge is like great
we’re in the present right now
done
and the ghost is like no dude
I am going to take you on an adventure
THROUGH SPAAAAAAAAACE
WHOAAAAAAA
so the teleport to this awesome crowded holiday market
where everyone is buying gifts and shit
and Scrooge is like what are we doing here
and the ghost is like oh not much
I just needed to pick up some more booze
I am RUNNING LOW my friend and it is CHRISTMAS
and I mean
I am the ghost of christmas present
which means that after tonight
I FUCKING DIE
so fuck if I’m not gonna PARTY DOWN beforehand
but okay I have my booze now
wanna see something depressing?
and scrooge is like no not really but SPAGOOSH
now they are in the house of Scrooge’s secretary
who’s name is Bob
and they are watching bob and his whole family
slowly starve/freeze to death on CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE
while his small adorable child
whose name is TINY TIM
SLOWLY SUCCUMBS TO POLIO
it is truly
the worst christmas
and the ghost is like aw man
what a buzzkill
let’s go see some other places
so they go to some other places for a while
and then the ghost conjures up some homeless kids to attack scrooge
presumably to teach him about charity but also because it’s hilarious
and scrooge either learns an important lesson or is scared shitless
and then BOOM
he is back in his bed

but is that the end?
fuck no that’s not the end
are you simple?
I SAID there would be THREE GHOSTS
THREE
GHOSTS
and Marley doesn’t count
because he has chains on him and he behaves rationally
so after a suitably suspenseful delay
HERE COMES GHOST NUMBER THREE
or wait
fuck
actually this is not a ghost at all
actually this is just the grim reaper
it is the grim reaper except his skull is invisible inside his hood
and he doesn’t have a scythe
and he doesn’t talk AT ALL
BOOOOO-RIIIIIING
except not boring
because this ghost
can TIME TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE
so it takes Scrooge with it
to a not-so-distant dystopian future
full of flying guns and some jerk’s funeral
this anonymous jerk apparently died recently and no one gives a shit
look, here come some businessmen
they do not give a SHIT
one of them is like I WILL ONLY GO TO THIS FUNERAL IF THEY HAVE FREE SANDWICHES
and another one is like HAHAHA I DON’T EAT SANDWICHES SO I WON’T GO AT ALL
and then some other people are like HEY
WE JUST STOLE ALL OF THAT JERK’S STUFF
LET’S GO SELL IT TO A PAWNSHOP
and then some other people are like SHIT YES
WE USED TO OWE THAT GUY MONEY
NOW WE CAN INSTEAD USE THAT MONEY TO BUY HIS STOLEN GOODS FROM THIS PAWNSHOP
basically everybody is happy and no one is sad
and then they go to the graveyard
and WHOSE GRAVE DO YOU THINK IT IS?
COME ON
IT IS SCROOGE’S GRAVE
IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN YOU ARE TOO DUMB FOR THIS STORY
YOU ARE TOO DUMB EVEN FOR THIS WEBSITE
but yeah
this is obviously some pretty freaky shit
so scrooge is like AAH
AAH
GET ME OUT OF HERE
SHOW ME A FUNERAL WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT FOR A CHANGE
and SPAGOOSH
now they are at a much more heartfelt funeral
the funeral
OF TINY TIM
oh man the pathos is unBEARABLE
and scrooge is like okay dude okay
fine
I give up
i’ll be good at christmas from now on
as long as I can somehow shift myself into an alternate timeline
where I don’t die and then get all my shit stolen by poor people
and no sooner has he made this decision
then he wakes up in bed
and he is alive and it is christmas day
and he actually keeps his word
and goes and hangs out with his nephew and his nephew’s family
and anonymously donates a big fat turkey to his secretary
(although he does not anonymously donate them any polio vaccine
which would have been a lot more helpful)
and generally just skips down the street
throwing fistfuls of money at homeless people
and from that day on
everyone forgets what a jerk he used to be
and when he dies nobody steals his stuff
PROBABLY

so the moral of the story
is that if you have a friend who does not understand the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
your best bet
is a calculated campaign of sleep deprivation and necromancy
carefully orchestrated to break down the will and strip away the personality
until nothing but CHRISTMAS SPIRIT remains

Merry Christmas guys