Esther Must Be Really Good at Sex

Alright so shakespeare time is over
FOR NOW
I did like doing it a lot it was just very labor intensive
you can count on more from that immortal bard in the future

what you get instead
is a myth that is dedicated to a chick named Esther “Gorilla Killa” Godzilla
she is having a birthday like RIGHT NOW
or at least at some point in the near future or past
and so I guess I should talk about someone really legit who shares her first name

but our story does not begin with Esther
our story actually begins with some guy
no big deal
just KING ACHASHVAIROSH
he’s king of basically everything it is possible to be king of
all the way from india to ethiopia
pretty respectable
too bad King Achasvairosh is in no way a respectable dude
see he’s having a party, right?
and his wife, Queen Vashti, is also having a party
King Achasvairosh’s party is what we might call a sausage party
and Queen Vashti’s would be more akin to a fish taco fiesta
so things get a little out of hand at the king’s party
as sausage parties tend to do
and the King is like GUYS
GUYS
WHO WANTS TO SEE MY WIFE NAKED?
and everyone is like YEAHHHHHHHHHH GET SOME TITS IN HERE
and the king is like OK I’LL CALL HER
so he calls up his wife like OY WIFE
GET IN HERE
you can wear a crown but you cannot wear ANYTHING ELSE
and the queen is like well uh
no
and the king is like WHAT
GUYS SHE SAID NO
WHAT DO I DO NOW
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW???
and his advisors are like dude chill out
just divorce her
get a sluttier wife
problem solved
and the king is like AWRIGHT
but i have a strict no fatties policy
so i gotta hire this eunuch named Hegei
GUARDIAN OF THE WOMEN
(which would be a pretty sweet gig
if he wasn’t
you know
a eunuch)
to gather virgins from ALLLL OVER THE PLACE
and pretty em up
and THEN i will decide who i want to make the sex with

so true to form, Hegei gathers an assload of hot chicks
and one of them is this broad named Esther
she is the cousin of this dude Mordecai
who is pretty cool but we will talk more about him later
right now what’s important is that Esther is a jew
and she gets her ass dragged out to the palace
and then they proceed to apply perfume to her
FOR A YEAR
what are they marinating her in perfume?
I guess they kinda have to since no one has figured out showers yet
everyone probably smells like a dogshit souffle

so after that year of intense cosmetics
Esther finally gets to meet the king
and the king is like OW
I JUST POPPED A BONER SO HARD IT CAME OFF
PLEASE GLUE IT BACK ON WITH YOUR MOUTH
and then they get married!
and also Mordecai gets promoted to one of the king’s ministers or something
i guess he’s a minister
he hangs out in front of the gate though so i dunno what kind of minister he is
minister of homelessness?

anyway at one point mordecai is just chilling by the gate
when he hears some guards all like MAN WE HATE THE KING SOOOOO MUCH
BETTER GO POISON HIM
and Mordecai is like uh hey king
you might want to look into these guards you hired
they are not very good guards
and the king is like RIGHT YOU ARE and has them killed and the day is saved
and then the king is like GREAT WORK MORDECAI
SOMEONE’S DUE FOR A PROMOTION
AND THAT SOMEONE IS…
HAMAN, DESTROYER OF JEWS
and Mordecai is like uh hey
why did you promote the destroyer of jews all of a sudden for no reason
and Haman is like WATCH AND LEARN JEWFACE
I SEE YOU DIDN’T BOW DOWN TO ME WHEN I GOT PROMOTED
WHAT IS THAT SOME RELIGIOUS THING?
and Mordecai is like uh yes actually
and Haman is like THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD REASON TO KILL YOU
BUT I CAN’T JUSTIFY GETTING MY MURDERING IMPLEMENTS OUT IF I’M JUST KILLING ONE DUDE
NOPE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
GENOCIDE!!!

so then Haman goes to the king and he’s like yo king
i’ll pay you ten thousand bucks if you let me kill all the jews
and the king is like keep the money whatever who gives a shit
oh god esther that feels so good don’t stop
so Haman puts the word out that in a couple weeks everyone is supposed to kill jews
EVERYWHERE
we’re talking about every scrap of land between India and Ethiopia
and apparently that whole stretch of nonsense is CRAWLING with jews
because Mordecai is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THIS
so he goes to Esther like hey
remember how I told you not to tell the king you were a jew?
and Esther is like ayup
and Mordecai is like now might be a good time to tell the king you’re a jew
and Esther is like don’t worry pops
I’ve got a plan in mind that will make this WAY more complicated than it needs to be

so Esther goes to the king and the king’s like ESTHER
JUST THE TITS I WANTED TO SEE
WHAT’S SHAKIN’, SUGARGUNS
and Esther’s like hey king can i ask a favor
and the king is like ANYTHING YOU WANT MY LITTLE SEX WAFFLE
and Esther is like ok I want you to come have dinner with me tonight
and bring Haman
that’s what I want
and the king is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so they have dinner that night
and Esther is very pleasant
and the king is like ALRIGHT ESTHER SERIOUSLY
ANYTHING YOU WANT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
(please say more freaky shit in bed
oh god please come on more freaky shit in bed)
and Esther is like all I want
is for you to come to another dinner party I’m throwing tomorrow night
you too, Haman
and the king and Haman are both like well ok
cya tomorrow

so Haman is feeling pretty good about himself for getting invited to dinner
but on the way out through the gate he sees Mordecai
and Mordecai pisses him off SOOOO MUCH just by existing
that he can’t sleep until he builds a huge-ass gallows to hang him on
and then he goes back to the castle to get the king to have Mordecai hung
but that is a stupid plan
wanna know why?
because during a bout of insomnia that night
the king decides to go through the old court records
and remembers how back in the day Mordecai totally kept him from being poisoned
and the king is like hot damn what kind of reward did Mordecai get for that?
and his advisors are like uh
nothing
you were too busy promoting Haman, the destroyer of jews
and just then Haman shows up about to be like HEY DUDE LET’S HANG MORDECAI
and the king is like hey Haman
I need some advice
if I really wanted to honor the shit out of someone, what should I do?
and Haman, who cannot imagine anyone getting honored besides himself
is like WELL I’D GIVE HIM A TON OF FANCY CLOTHES
AND A SWEET HORSE
AND HAVE SOME NOBLE LEAD HIM THROUGH TOWN SAYING “THIS GUY IS SO GREAT”
and the king is like oh man I love the way you think
go do that to Mordecai
and Haman is like MORDECAIIIIII
(next time you get really frustrated
I suggest looking up at the sky and bellowing MORDECAIIIIII
it really helps)

so but then the next day Haman and the king show up to dinner at Esther’s place again
and the king is like OK SERIOUSLY HONEY
I KNOW YOU DON’T JUST WANT DINNER
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO FOR YOU?
DOES IT PERCHANCE INVOLVE BEING
SHALL I SAY
FREAKY IN BED?
and Esther is like well no
it has to do with i’m a jew and you should kill Haman and reverse his decree
and the king is like whoa shit Haman made a decree?
fuck yeah reverse that shit
chop his goddamn head off who gives a shit
oh god that feels so good esther don’t stop
and Haman is like how are you executing me and getting a blowjob SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the king is like I DUNNO BUT I SHOULD TOTES DO IT MORE OFTEN

so yeah Haman gets hung on the gallows he built for Mordecai
and Mordecai takes his house
and then they send out a letter to all the jews everywhere
telling them to murder the fuck out of the guys who Haman sent to murder them
so they do
they kill like 75 thousand people
including all ten of Haman’s sons
and then everyone is fucking terrified of the jews
and NO ONE EVER FUCKS WITH THEM AGAIN
NEVER EVER
oh and also that shit gets celebrated every year now
that’s what that Purim shit is all about

so the moral of the story
is if you want to save your people from extinction
find a king and start passing out blowjobs
the future is in your hands
(and mouth
and maybe on your face a little)

the end.

Share

8 thoughts on “Esther Must Be Really Good at Sex

  1. Well, the Purim shit stems from a couple of details you omitted because they’re boring. Pur means something akin to making a bet on some predictions or shit, Purim is just plural. Apparently Haman also did some random chance-taking to see whom to kill first or whatever and that’s where it gets its name. The traditions involved are fun as well. There’s supposed to be a parade on this day, called the Adloyada, which kinda means “till you don’t know” in which, at least in the olden days, you were supposed to get hammered so hard you couldn’t recognize your way back home and such. Plus there’s this shit called Nahafochu, or “reversed”. Since the decree got reversed, we’re supposed to wear masks and costumes. I was Zombie Jesus this year. And my favorite part, they apparently hung Haman by the ears, so they got stretched, and we commemorate that by eating triangle-shaped cookies with date or chocolate filling called Haman’s ears. Trust me, I’m Jewish I know this first hand. Try it sometimes, it’s a fun holiday.

Leave a Reply to Ilya Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *