Hansel and Grettel is a story about eating stuff

Gonna be a slight delay on new shirt orders gettin’ shipped
cause I gotta make em all
but I GUESS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AREN’T YOU

okay so poor people right

this story is brimming with poor people
if I had to make a pie chart of this story
it would be like
66% POOR PEOPLE
16.5% UNSPEAKABLE EVIL
16.5% DUCKS
no princes anywhere in sight
which doesn’t mean there aren’t any princes lurking around in the forest
there are probably like fifty or sixty of those dudes roaming around
offering people slippers and fucking chicks in the hair
but they are not what the story is about

no my friends
this story is about a poor woodcutter dude
and his poor woodcutter wife
and their poor woodcutter children
who are the only people in this whole goddamn story lucky enough to have names
they are called Hansel and Gretel
to clarify
Hansel is a boy
Gretel is a girl
they just have really asexual names is all

but yeah like i was saying
everyone is mega poor
they are pretty low on breads
and papa woodcutter gets kind of worried
he’s like oh no what happens when we run out of breads
and his wife
(who is the biggest twankbank within a hundred miles
which doesn’t seem that hard in the middle of a forest
until you consider that they live within walking distance of a FUCKING WITCH)
is like here let me pitch you this idea i had
how about
we take our kids into the woods
and we abandon them in the woods
and the husband is like what
no
and the wife is like look if I starve to death who is gonna give you blowjobs
and the husband is like INTO THE WOODS WITH YOU KIDS

but luckily for hansel and gretel
they both have hunger induced insomnia
i mean normally that is not a very lucky thing
but in this case it means that they already know what’s up
so Hansel is like don’t even trip sis i got this
and he runs outside in the middle of the night
and he stuffs a bunch of rocks in his pockets
and Gretel is like Hansel now is not the time for rock collecting you fucking nerd
and Hansel is like shhhh i have a plan

so the next day the mom puts on her bitch cape and starts yelling her kids to death
all like WE ARE GOING INTO THE WOODS TO CHOP WOODS
YOU GET SOME BREAD AND THEN WE ARE TOTALLY NOT GOING TO ABANDON YOU
but Hansel is too clever for her
as she and dad are leading them to their dooms
he keeps hanging back
because he is pretending to hallucinate his pet cat on the roof of their house
but really he is dropping pebbles to mark their way home
FUCKING BRILLIANT RIGHT?
so then the parents build a fire for their kids
and the kids take a nap
and the parents run off home to bone

okay here’s a question
how did the parents find their way home
and not expect their kids to find their way home too
could it be that the parents are also dropping pebbles?
are there just pebbles all the fuck everywhere?
who knows?
the point is then hansel and gretel wake up and follow hansel’s pebbles home
at which point the mom is like FUCK YOU KIDS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and the dad is like oh man thank god you’re back i feel so bad
not bad enough to have not done it but still
pretty bad
and then Hansel and Gretel go to bed
and the mom is like YOU KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO
and the husband is like have more sex?
and mom is like NO WE HAVE TO ABANDON THEM AGAIN
and the husband is like fuck what is it with you and abandoning our kids
why don’t we just eat them how about that
kill two birds with one stone
but the birds are kids
and the wife is like HONEY THIS IS NOT THAT PART OF THE STORY YET
and the husband is like oh
ok
abandonment it is

but hansel and gretel are listening in AGAIN
and hansel is like haha what fucking idiots
i’ll just go out and get more rocks OH SHIT THE DOOR IS LOCKED
no no wait it’s cool i have a plan
it’s a really shitty plan but don’t worry it will totally work

so the next day the mom is like COME NOW CHILDREN
TOTALLY NOT GONNA ABANDON YOU AGAIN
and hansel and gretel are like yeah whatever
and the mom gives them a little bit of bread
presumably to strengthen the lie that they are just going on a family outing
and then Hansel proceeds to crumble the bread in his pocket
and try and do a repeat of last time
all hanging back pretending he sees his pet pigeon on the roof
HOW MANY PETS DOES THIS KID HAVE
AREN’T THEY LIKE FUCKING STARVING TO DEATH?
IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE BEFORE YOU ABANDONED YOUR FUCKING KIDS IN THE WOODS
YOU MIGHT PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO EATING THEIR PETS
but anyway yeah he drops bread crumbs
all the way from his house to the middle of the woods
and then their parents build a fire and they fall asleep and their parents run away
and then hansel wakes up and he’s like gretel
see i handled this
there’s totally a trail of breadcrumbs back home
OH WAIT
BIRDS ATE THEM
COME ON ASSHOLE
YOU ARE IN A FOREST FULL OF BIRDS
BREAD CRUMBS ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEED TO FUCKING BIRDS
THAT’S LIKE TRYING TO MARK YOUR WAY OUT OF A BEAR CAVE
WITH A TRAIL OF STEAKS
actually that’s even worse because then the bear would follow you and eat you also
BUT ANYWAY
so they’re mega ultra fucked
wandering around the woods starving to death
totally unable to remember how to get home
proving that they are dumber than their parents and thus deserve to die
but then SUDDENLY
here comes a house made ENTIRELY OF CAKE
well not entirely
there are obviously parts that are not made of cake
like the parts that are made of CANDY
and so of course hansel and gretel start eating the candy house
even though who else would live in a candy house other than pedophiles
oh that’s right
witches
witches live in candy houses all the time
that’s practically all they ever do
seriously have these kids never read hansel and gretel?
but anyway then the witch comes out like OH HELLO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN
COME EAT MORE FOOD INSIDE MY PEDOPHILE HOUSE
and they do
but then all of a sudden the witch slaps some handcuffs on hansel
all like WHABAM I LOVE EATING LITTLE BOYS
and then she locks him in a cage and makes gretel her slave
the end

no just kidding that’s not the end even though that would be sweet
basically the witch keeps feeding hansel trying to make him fat
but then when she comes by and asks him to stick out a finger to see how fat he is
he sticks out some chicken bone he found
and she is all ARE YOU ANOREXIC YOUNG MAN
EAT MORE FOOD
and this goes on for FOUR WEEKS
and that entire time gretel never manages to come up with a plan for killing her
until finally the witch is like fuck this
you are eating all my food and i am not getting to eat you or anything
it’s dinner time i don’t care how skinny you are
HEY GRETEL COME WARM UP THE OVEN FOR ME
so gretel turns on the oven and it gets super hot
like fire is coming out of it any everything
and the witch is like HEY GRETEL CLIMB INTO THE OVEN REAL QUICK AND SEE IF IT IS HOT
and Gretel is like seriously?
you are about to kill and eat my brother
you expect me to crawl into a stove that is clearly full of fire
now would be a good time to come up with some clever plan to kill you huh
so she racks her brain and then she’s like UH
WHAT IS OVEN?
and the witch is like you fucking idiot
here let me show you what i want you to do
and she goes ahead and CLIMBS INTO THE FUCKING OVEN HERSELF
at which point Gretel slams it behind her
and watches her burn like a goddamn psycopath
and then she’s like well that was easy
and she releases hansel
and then they loot the witch’s house
which is apparently chock full of PRICELESS PEARLS AND DIAMONDS
WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE DOING OUT IN THE WOODS IN A CANDY HOUSE
SHE COULD HAVE JUST BOUGHT CHILDREN TO EAT
man these kids are lucky
they apparently ran into the STUPIDEST FUCKING WITCH ON EARTH

but so they load up their pockets with priceless treasures
and then they start heading home
because suddenly they know the way home
i guess four weeks of forcefeeding and slave labor jog your memory?
and eventually they come to a river they can’t cross
but they see a duck
and they’re no fools
they know how to talk to birds
so they’re like YO DUCK
I KNOW YOU’RE ALL COOL AND YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK
BUT WE’RE TRY’NA GET HOME AND WE’RE A LITTLE BIT STUCK
WE JUST COOKED AN OLD WOMAN AND WE ATE HER LIVER
SO GET YOUR ASS UP AND SWIM ACROSS THIS RIVER
and the duck is like OHHHHH SNAPPPPPPP
and it carries them across the river
and then they get home
and their mom is dead because she’s a bitch and that’s what happens
and their dad is super happy to see them
because now he’s not gonna get blowjobs either way
and he’d rather have his kids and no blowjobs than no kids AND no blowjobs
and then they start chucking priceless treasures all over the house
like HOLY SHIT DAD WE’RE RICH
and they never have any problems ever again forever

so the moral of the story is
if your family is having financial troubles
you should definitely abandon your kids in the woods
because either they will die or they will return with unimaginable riches
win-win

THE END.

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10 thoughts on “Hansel and Grettel is a story about eating stuff

  1. well, clearly the children can speak to the duck because they ate the witch, and one of her many witchy powers (besides stockpiling pearls and diamonds and actually keeping a house made of candy and not having woodland critters eat it) was speaking to waterfowl, and possibly other fowl, but most definitely waterfowl, and ducks in particular.

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  3. Ah yes, Gretel letting the witch burn in the oven – THE classic example of terrifying fairytale violence!! 😀

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