So here’s a cool thing I learned
from my friend who was born in West Virginia:
long ago in england
before condoms or twitter
people entertained themselves by singing dumb songs
and then later some of these people moved to North America
but they kept singing their dumb songs
because I guess nobody told them about twitter or condoms
or anything else, apparently
because, see
the forms of these songs have remained ALMOST UNCHANGED
from way way way back in the day
like, compare this
to this
to this:

So there’s this dude Matty Groves
and he’s got a lot to prove
because first of all he is a very small fellow
(perhaps a child?
the ballad is not clear
but it is called a Child ballad so it’s possible)
plus
his name MATTY GROVES
that’s only one step above Dick Bush on the shitty names ladder

So Matty Groves is at a holiday party
it is the medieval equivalent of an office christmas party
which means that all the lords and ladies are in attendance
and people are getting drunk
and making decisions they will perhaps regret.
Matty Groves is one of these people.
So Matty is chilling in the great hall or whatever
and these three chicks walk in:
one is dressed in green
one is dressed in red
and Maddy Groves is like “red and green?
that’s a bit too matchy-matchy for me.”
but the third one is dressed in white
and Maddy Groves is like “D-D-D-DONUTS”
and he turns to the dude next to him and he’s like “yo
You see that chick dressed in white?
I know she got a man
specifically a man named Lord Daniel
(or lord Arlen
or lord Barnetts or Barnard or Barnaby
depending on the version you’re looking at
which just suggests to me
that this dame got AROUND)
but do you know how many fucks I give?
none many
I’m gonna play the lap-sax with her ALL NIGHT.”

In other versions of the story
it’s the Lord’s wife that approaches Matty Groves
like “hey little boy let’s fuck”
so this interaction is either sleezy or pedophiley
take your pick.
Either way, the problem
(other than the sleaze and pedophilia)
is that some dude who works for Lord Daniel
just HAPPENS to be standing nearby
and he overhears this shit
and he’s like “Oh fuck
if Maddy Groves bangs Lord Daniel’s wife
and he finds out I didn’t do shit
I’m gonna be out of a job
and Lord Daniel gives DENTAL
that is SO RARE in medieval England
it’s practically an anachronism!”

But this pageboy doesn’t have a horse
he doesn’t even have a bike
he has to RUN
He has to run like TEN MILES
and then he gets to a river
and the BRIDGE is broken
so he has to swim across
and run like another ten miles
and finally he shows up at Lord Daniel’s house
because I guess Lord Daniel hates christmas
and also maybe his wife.
Maybe this whole infidelity thing is starting to make sense.

Anyway the page starts banging on the door
and Lord Daniel opens it up in his smoking jacket like “WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
IT’S LIKE 3AM”
and the page is like “Dude, Matty Groves is about to fuck your wife
actually at this point he probably has fucked your wife
it took me a while to get here
and from what I’ve heard about Matty Groves
and your wife tbh
they are probably L-O-V-I-N-G IT”
So lord Daniel picks him up by the collar
and he’s like “Ok kid
if you’re lying to me I will straight up kill you
but if you’re telling me the truth
I don’t know, I’ll buy you a pizza or something.”
So Lord Daniel puts on his shades
jumps on his motorcycle
and takes off.

MEANWHILE, IN LORD DANIEL’S BEDROOM
(because oh yeah
I guess the christmas party was at Lord Daniel’s house
which makes it even weirder that he wasn’t there)
Matty Groves wakes up and he’s like “shit
what was that noise
that sounded like a motorcycle revving
and Lord Daniel is the only dude I know
who owns a motorcycle in Medieval England
I gotta get out of here”
but Lord Daniel’s wife is like “shhhh
don’t worry about that sound
it’s just … feudalism or something
go back to bed”
so clearly she wants Maddy Groves to fucking die

because what happens next is they both wake up
and Lord Daniel is standing at the foot of the bed
with TWO SWORDS
like “SURPRISE, BITCHES
Now get up, Matty Groves
put some damn pants on
I’m not gonna kill you with your dick out
people would talk”
So Matty starts putting on his clothes
and he’s like “Ok man look
because of our ridiculous code of chivalry
you definitely can’t kill me right now
I have zero swords
you have two swords
that’s like
200% more swords than I have
not cool.”
And Lord Daniel is like “Ok first of all
200% of zero is still zero
and fuck me if I’m getting talked down by someone who doesn’t understand math
but second of all yes
these swords are dope
I brought them from the future, I’m a time traveler
but I ain’t greedy
I give my employees dental, for fuck’s sake
one of these swords IS FOR YOU”

So Matty Groves, having run out of excuses, takes a sword
and Lord Daniel even lets him strike first
but Matty is a lover, not a fighter
so Lord Daniel gets to strike back
and he kills the poor little bastard in one blow
and then
with the dead body still bleeding all over the floor
Lord Daniel goes over and sits his wife on his lap and he’s like “ok look
if I was you and you was me
what would you do about all this”
and Lord Daniel’s wife looks deep into her own soul
and asks herself that eternal question:
Was the D worth it?
and the answer
is YES
so she says, “Boy
you’re pretty and everything
you got a nice chin
but not only do I like Matty Groves better than you
I like him better than your WHOLE family
so when you murder me
because I know that’s what’s going down
bury me somewhere nice
like, away from your gross parents
and put Matty right next to me
like within dicking distance
and when you die?
boy i know what you’re into
you can be buried by my feet.”

So yeah then Lord Daniel kills his wife
and probably has a hell of a time finding another one

so the moral of the story
is that open relationships solve a lot of problems.

The end.