Poseidon is a Prankster of Dubious Hilarity

(Larges and Extra Larges are back in stock
also I will be starting a video myth on monday
OF THE BOOK OF MATTHEW)

I think it says something about ancient greece

that they have one god of sleep
and THREE GODS OF WAR
There’s Eris
the goddess of fucking everything up all the time
Ares
the god of ceaseless stabbing
and Athena
the goddess of hey guys maybe we should stop stabbing for a second and make a plan
maybe it would help us not get stabbed?

today we are going to focus on Athena
of all the unreasonable assholes packed sardine style onto the tip of mount olympus
Athena is both the least unreasonable
and the least asshole
FACT
lemme prove it to you:
despite the fact that she is a goddess of war
Athena doesn’t own any fucking weapons
that would be like being a god of cookery
and not owning any fancy chef hats
PS have you guys seen God of Cookery
it has this scene
where a woman is rolling back and forth pounding a giant steak with her fists
it is worth a look let me tell you

ANYWAY
usually when Athena needs some weapons
she just hits up Zeus and borrows his
Zeus is more of a lover than a fighter anyway
but ONE TIME
during the Trojan War
when Zeus has made it SUPER CLEAR that he is MEGA NEUTRAL
Athena just doesn’t feel right about borrowing his weapons
so she decides to finally get her ass in gear and buy some of her own

to that end
she goes over to Hephaestus’s place and she’s like hey dude
how much for some sweet weapons and armor?
and Hephaestus is like ZERO DOLLARS
I WILL DO IT…
FOR LOVE
and Athena just completely misses the innuendo boat on that one
also the throbbing cripple boner in Hephaestus’s toga
and just says OK SOUNDS GREAT SEE YOU IN A COUPLE HOURS
and Hephaestus gets to work on that armor

so a few ours later Athena comes back
and Hephaestus is like HERE’S YOUR ARMOR
ALSO MY PENIS
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF AIMING IT SQUARELY AT YOUR VAGINA
TRUST ME I’M AN ENGINEER I KNOW ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS
LEVERAGE AND STUFF
and Athena is like EWW SO UNSEXY
and she pushes his penis away
but see what she doesn’t realize
is that pushing on penises tends to get them pretty excited
so she ends up with a big wad of jizz all over her thigh
guys i’m not making this up
this was part of someone’s religion
anyway Athena is super grossed out so she wipes the jizz off her thigh with some wool
and then chucks it to the ground
where it remains so potent that it IMPREGNATES MOTHER EARTH
we’ll get to that in a second

so Athena is like HEPHAESTUS EW WHAT THE FUCK
and Hephaestus is like what?
Poseidon totally told me about how you were on your way over here
hoping someone would have some nonconsensual sex with you
i guess he was trying to prank me
or you
or mother earth
i’m pretty sure he was just chucking a prank grenade into the pantheon
and then laughing hysterically at whoever got dismembered
anyway he told me that and i believed him
because frankly my wife Aphrodite and I haven’t been getting it on lately
pretty sure she’s banging Ares now and I’m so lonely and my leg really hurts and
Athena is like NO TIME FOR THAT
MOTHER EARTH IS YELLING AT ME
and Mother Earth is like Athena why did you throw a bunch of Jizz at me
now i’m pregnant
I resent that
and Athena is like what are you gonna do about it
and mother earth is like well i’m certainly not gonna raise this kid
and Athena is like FINE
I WILL
and then she does
and that kid has a son who builds a city that worships athena
and also invents monogamy and paternity
and replaces blood sacrifice with sissypants rice cake offerings
so basically no one wins

So the moral of the story
is that telling your friends to rape each other is not a prank
it is a disaster
I thought everyone knew this already

THE END.

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12 thoughts on “Poseidon is a Prankster of Dubious Hilarity

  1. I think Hestia wins the reasonable un-asshole contest, but she accomplishes that mostly by NOT DOING ANYTHING! Which, when dealing with Olympian gods, is full of win for mortal-types.

  2. I thought there were three gods of sleep; Morpheus, Phobetor, and Phantasos. Or do you mean Hypnos? Were they all brothers or sons and father? Seriously, I can’t sort out this screwy family tree.

    • Thanatos was the god of death itself,
      hypnos was sleep, ( thus the word hypnosis is from his name),
      Morpheus was god of dreams (and the son of Hypnos),
      phobus was the god of fear (phobia comes from his name.)

      You may have misspelled some of their names. I corrected them. Tell me if I’m wrong.

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